Friday, September 30, 2005

Smoke, smoke, smoke

Today I have this urge to smoke, smoke and smoke some more. It would somewhat interfere with this job if I hung out outside all day chain smoking, but there are days I dont do much here anyway. I couldnt anyway, sooner or later the chain smoking would lead to beer drinking, which would lead to more likely than not rude behavior towards my collegaues and customers. Nevermind. Damn.

It could be the change in meds. Went to the doctor monday and he wasnt helpful at all. Blood work came back completely normal, there simply is no medical answer for my extreme fatigue lately. I gotta say I was disappointed. I am a firm believer in quick fixes. Lose weight TODAY, feel decent TODAY. Not a patient bone in my body. So when he handed me Effexor I was skeptical at the benefits. Sure it may help with the occasional night sweats that chase my dog out of bed thinking therese a flood coming, and maybe it will help with the hot flashes....the ones that convince me on occasion that I have died, gone to hell, and am just not aware of my situation yet. You've seen the movie. Stupid, but how do we know thats not what happens.

So for now its Paxil and Effexor. Great plan. Give a bi-polar patient not one but TWO anti-depressants. Save me a room in the loonely bin, I will be arriving shortly.
Ok, I am supposed to be weaning off Paxil. That drug is supposedly not addicitive. Please tell my system that because every few days it says "Fuck you, give it to me now." At that point I happily oblige. Gonna be interesting to see how the next few weeks pan out. They say it takes that long to kick in, but I am pretty sure thats a lie. Second time I took it I fell asleep on the school field trip. Ok, just on the bus, but drooling in front of my daughters entire 5th grade class was so not cool of me. I heard her whisper to her friend "If I had know she would sleep, I would have left her home." Ugh, bad, bad, mom award.

I feel bad now. Think I will step outside for a cigarette.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Sweet Tooth

I have a sweet tooth. Things like donuts and M&M's talk to me....no its not the medication, it has always been this way. I am drawn to chocolate by some magnetic field in the universe that always overpowers me and sucks me into temptation. What I would give to be one of those folks who complains that they cant GAIN weight. Shut the hell up because I just cant see how thats a big problem. I have no sympathy for you and dont want to hear it. I can gain five pounds drooling over a box of Krispy Kremes wihtout ever having to touch them.

Our entire office, minus one skinny guy is on a diet. We have all fallen prey to the M&M vending machine.

A few days ago someone had a birthday. As is customary, said dude received a chocolate cake from his wife. I had flash backs to last years cake, layer after layer of chocolate fudge and it was so good (and HUGE) that the sucker was here for a week and there wasnt a single day during that time that I did not go home with a stomach ache, swearing not to eat another piece the next day, only to give in and repeat the process. Stupid, yes, but Im just that way about chocolate. I was fortunate this year and able to resist the calls because she screwed up and destroyed the cake by putting coconut on it. Coconut should not be added to food, it should only be used as tanning lotion. I won that round.

Round two the next day. Boss brings in donuts. I am checking them out, only looking, fantasizing about how the long ones with creamy butterscotch frosting would taste. I resist, Im on a diet. I dont even open the box, the smell of them alone would drive me into a donut eating frenzy. Usually when this happens, the boss takes the leftovers home so 8 hours is the total length of my ability to not cave. Do I need to mention that the skinny person just happens to BE the boss???

So this morning I walk into the break room and here sits the chocolate cake, the box of donuts. usually in the first day, someone gets ahold of the good donuts and chows them before I have the chance. Not this time. There sits damn donut staring at me. Still I am strong and I resist.

I mention to others that it would be nice if they would eliminate this problem by eating what has been generously offered to them. Nobody is interested. Of course not! If I actaully wanted to eat the damn things we would be tripping over each other to get to the box. They are now two days old. Like that has any bearing. Like a donut has a shelf life. I can still lick off the frosting, lick the chocolate from the cake like I do at home and ruin it for everyone else. And I should.

Skinny boss brings the donuts out of the break room, opens the box and sets it on the counter in front of my desk. Laughter ensues from those I have asked for assistance, particularly when my eyes get huge and my stomach growls the second I get a whiff of the frosting. Dont try to tell me my body has any desire for me to resist.

I snatched up said box and took it promptly back to the break room. Men, they just have no idea how close I came to just shoving my face into the box and licking all the donuts. And I should have.....then they could all be upset about me ruining the donuts they would now want to eat instead of my stomach sitting here all pissed off and growling because I told it no. I have 7 more hours today to fight my belly and I hope to win this one. I keep telling it I have already eaten one. Yea, thats some dumb diet thing i did to myself when I had an eating disorder back in high school. It works, if you want to have an arguement with your brain half the day.

Thank God this diet allows for cheese sticks with Ranch or I would be dead. They actually laugh at me at the clinic because I eat pizza so many times per week. Of course I do now, Im only allowed 2 damn pieces of plain pizza. I have to have it at least 3 times a week to make up for the loss. They make me drink juice (blech) and eat fake chocolate bars. They are nasty tasting, kind of like baking chocolate, but again ya have to tell your brain its yummy and its a snickers. My brain aint buying that one, my tastebuds arent either, but when you are on a no junk food diet, even baking chocolate starts to taste good.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hands

Why girls have two hands.




Why boys have two hands....

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

fatty

This diet isnt so bad. The idea of being on a diet pisses me off and I have a tendency to then crave anything chocolate because I am by nature rebellious. I cant even tell me what to do without a big hassle.

So Im 6 pounds down and quite happy with my success in a week. I can live with that and I dont want anyone telling me it's water, it's this or that.....it's fat damn it and its gone. I know what it REALLY is, but in order for me to stay on this I have to lie to me ALOT. These bars are yummy. these shakes curb my appetite....salad is my favorite food, diet dressing really tops it off. Yeah, I have to make up all kinds of fantasies and so far it's working. I have no desire to break into the candy machine across the room from my desk. None at all.

I suck at this and I know it. I told the diet guru that as long as they dont cut me off pizza or cheese sticks I would be successful. She told me one beer a day and only three times per week and I decided that from now on I would refer to them as baked potato. They they count as a starch so I will gladly skip whatever is on that list and replace it with my favorite beverage. She also told me that wine is a fruit. And here all this time for my two daily snacks I have been having pineapple juice. Silly me.

Two years ago people were bitching at me for being too damn skinny and now Im PAYING someone to tell me Im not. Screw you to all of you who brought me cookies and pasta telling me I needed to eat. I started and evidently couldnt stop. Cant see my ribs NOW can you? Are you satisfied that I have to wear the same clothes all the time because I refuse to buy bigger sizes?? You could have been a decent human being and said something other than "You are filling out nicely" when I ripped the ass out of my favorite jeans. Did I forget to tell you then that I didnt WANT to fill out?

I freak out about my weight even when it gets a little out of wha. I could post family pictures here and you could see for yourself why. There's granny.......on both sides mind you.....a whole shopping 4' tall AND round. There are just alot of fatties weighing down the branches of the family tree and I dont wanna be included in that!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Diet

I started a diet Monday, a gift for my birthday. LA weight loss, we will see how it goes. I'm a little worried that the stuff they want me to eat is actually a buttload more food than I normally eat, but they are stuck to their promise that I will lose what I want to lose or they will have to continue to service me.

So far I am down three pounds, ok I know its water and it doesnt really excite me to lose weight until double digits have been reached and my clothing stops stretching to its max.

I see the star magazines, how skinny those chicks are and it amuses me that the only thing they will say about it is either "I lost my baby fat" ( I think that was Lindsay Lohan) or I stopped eating french fries (Hillary Duff). Well how nice and what crap. I cut out regular soda over a year ago hoping it would make some impact and nothing. I have been drinking diet soda and gaining weight like a pregnant heffer. Im learning to tolerate it, but there's just nothing like a soda with a bunch of sugar and carbonation to make me drool.

I did see the doctor at my boss' insistence. Part of our conversation when I was busted for blogging was "Is there something wrong?" She had noticed changes over the summer, no doubt due to my medications, I knew it I just wasnt sure how to handle it. I was also frustrated. Everytime I schedule a day to do something, even a vacation day it seems its inconvenient for someone at work. So I kept putting it off. She told me to make the appointment and we would just work around it at work. Whew. Im having some weird hormonal thing or something going on as well, I guess I will wait for the bloodwork to come back before I get worried about it. I don't really care, I just want to stop feeling so damn tired. My kids are complaining "You are ALWAYS tired." And thats just not the mom I want to be. There are so many things I want to do, my mind stays busy creating projects and my body totally objects to anything but the couch and I hate it. Im not a huge tv fan, I might get a few hours in a week if Im lucky. It drives me nuts to have all this mental ambition and feel so worn out all the time.

Thus the diet. There seems to be a viscious cycle Im finding myself in. Gain a few pounds, get more sluggish, gain a few more because of the sluggishness and get more sluggish and lazy. Ive never been overweight and this is just not my cup of tea. Im hoping for off the weight, off the couch. Im not sure its that simple. Ive gained 16 pounds since December at my last doctor visit, and he wants to get to the bottom of it. Yippee, someone who finds my new body as ghastly strange as I do.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Busted

I was on hiatus due to being blog busted at work. Business has been slow so naturally internet usage has been on the rise!!!!

When I was called into the office last Wednesday and informed that they were aware of my blogging activities I panicked. To think of my boss and co-workers reading my thoughts, anxieties and piss fits here was just more than I could stand. I didnt want to blog, I certainly didn't want to look back on my posts and see what they could have read about me. Ugh, the vibrator story, peeing in the woods....not general office conversation. Ive never even told them I have a live in. My personal life is just that PERSONAL. My co-workers are great and so is my boss, but I have always been protective of my personal life and have often wished others were the same. Like the office gals who compare sex lives, techniques.....please leave that at home.

Anyway, Im back, a little less freaked out and paranoid and with a lot of catching up to do with others!!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Wedding Weekend

My weekend sucked. Four days off and all four sucked. I took Friday off to go to my b\f's brothers wedding and thats where suck started. I dont see taking a vacation day to do something so painful again.

It started Thursday night. B\f kept harassing me to get to bed because if I didnt, it would be hard for me to get up Friday morning. Never mind the fact that I have three kids to kick out the door and they are never late. Apparently when he is around, I lose the ability to manage my time.

Friday morning the kids are off and the next harassment phase begins. Hurry here, hurry there, and Im ok with all of it until our last trip back home to get the luggage. The phone rings and its my brother. The evening before things got ugly between my 17 year old and her b\f and it turned somewhat physical. My family was up in arms, everyone was upset and he was calling me to give his brotherly advice. No time for that, my b\f J was on a kick that we HAD to go NOW. He waits impatiently like a two year old, tapping the foot, following me around. The only thing missing was him throwing himself on the floor and screaming.

We go out to pick up his kids and his ex wife has errands for us to run. Ok they are kid errands, but errands that she is responsible for. So we go to the school, fill out paperwork, get the class assignments.....basically things she could have drug her lazy, always pregnant, stay-at-home ass over to the school to do herself. There is no complaining about running late anymore. Then we take them to lunch....another thing she could have handled. Again no complaints....except from me. The kids are 12, 10 and 8 and have no clue how to behave in public. Dad leaves for the restroom and all hell ensues. Racing from chair to chair, sneaking up behind me and pulling my hair, anything to keep from sitting and waiting for the food. Dad comes out, sees the mahem and pops them and they sit to eat.

In the FOUR HOUR car ride we listen to "he's staring at me!", "his seat is too far back", "hes' hitting me", until we finally pull over and dad pops em again. I am glad we have arrived. His mother is supposed to be helping watch the kids while J gets fitted for a tux. Im in his sisters house and as soon as he leaves the mahem begins again. Wrestling, picking, arguing....I finally get sick of it and pin the oldest to the floor, only to be attacked by the brother. I take the girl in to get her ready to go and one of the boys breaks the bathroom door in because he cant stand to be locked out and simply must pick. I get fed up and lock both boys in the heat outside. Again, a broken door. I take them for a walk to burn some ambition and secretly hope they get heat stroke. Nothing. They play kick the full pop bottle down the street, spit the left over pop at the little sister. THe only time I intervened was when one of the boys got in the girls face with his fist and attempted to slug her. He got popped in the side of the head. We get back to the house and I ask to have any available alcohol in the house. One beer. Ugh.

We get to the rehearsal dinner and all is well for awhile. I wont get into the personal stuff between J & I because I could write a book on that story, and this one is long enough. J's step dad gets after one of the kids for being disrespectful to me. Finally someone who doesnt find humor in their behavior. We get home and I am informed that I need to go to bed so I can be rested for tomorrow. The kids are asleep and I want to revel in the quiet. The harassment to go to bed is too much so I cave. The morning is worse. When I awake Im always tired for awhile, so I sat on the couch having coffee. The house (J & his mother) have informed me that we need to shower together to conserve water and energy. Im really not comfortable with that idea since there is a house full of people, we are not married, and J gets wood when I change my shirt in front of him. There's no water conservation when you are doing the hokey pokey in the shower. I decline politely. Others insists. I decline very loudly. I am looked at like I have four heads, but stand my ground and J pouts off to the shower.

I spend the afternoons listening to his family complain about EVERYTHING. Negative, complaining, bitching and whining and it drives me nuts. I start to feel more and more manic, the manic where you are feeling more homicidal than anything. They argue about everything from the name of the town to the order in which the bride wanted her pictures. Mind you it was not on their dime, but complain they must, and constantly.

At the wedding we are finally seated outside. Of course I am next to the two boys and within minutes my homicidal urges return. They start throwing rocks into the air. One hits the lady in front of us. Now mind you, I am talking to them quietly trying to get some control. Finally I give in and get Grampa, he threatens their lives and once again, for five minutes they behave. I complain to J afterwards and he dismisses it as boredom. NO SHIT. There are 15 other kids at this wedding sitting still, behaving, I dont want to hear about boredom. Nothing happens.

At the reception things didnt get any better. We ate and when the dancing started his kids disappeared. It was at a ritzy restaurant in the airport. I was secretly hoping they could hop a flight overseas. Of course J kept close tabs on ME. Couldnt smoke, use the bathroom.....nothing without him in full pursuit. Couldnt even get a beer without permission since he had the check card and I was being my public self and refusing to make a scene. We were there about three hours, me not once out of his sight, but when we got ready to leave we had to send out the posse to find his kids. Apparently I need a sitter and they dont.

The next morning I was so happy to be going home I was first in the shower. And locked the door so I could shower alone. Im sick of everyone at this point and quite cranky. Dont even look at me, much less say something smart. Just dont bother me at all.

While we are watching the bride and groom open gifts I get a phone call. A high school friend of mine is going to be in town and we will be home just in time to see her. I havent seen her in six years and we used to take vacations together. I am jacked to say the least. J is pissy. "How nice for me after all the people around this weekend." He's not ruining this hype for me.,,,but of course the kids can. They fire off pop guns in the car, fight with each other, whine that they are hungry, have to pee. We get to the restaurant and a son wants to sit by me. He rattles the shakers, plays with the silverware, grabs something else every time I take something away from him. He starts to kick my chair and I lose it. "Touch my chair again, agitate me again and I WILL backhand you." I am looked at as the evil monster and am ok with that as long as they all shut the hell up. I fall asleep on the ride home hoping to avoid the trip. I miss part of it but have to wake up and tell them to shut the hell up and stop bickering.

We take them home finally and the ex goes into a tizzy. The homework isnt done and the clothes arent clean. Nevermind that we arent HOME to do such things and the free time they had was all with me and thats not my fucking job. She pisses me off anyway. We ask her to pack nice clothes for them for the wedding so she goes to walmart, buys too big of jeans without belts for the boys, and red shirts with stupid sayings on them. Wedding attire. No doubt shes stupid AND a social retard. Do I even need to mention that this stupid woman wiht #6 on the way at 29 years old doesnt believe in spanking? Didnt think so, that was kind of a given.

Im finally free, exhausted but free. I am jacked about seeing my friend. She comes over and we head to dinner. Its a nice restaurant, the same place she wants to go everytime she comes back here. After dinner I ask J to get to the ATM so we can pay for ours and he loudly states "I cant take out what isnt in there!" I have no desire to make a scene so we leave and stiff my friend. She pays for dinner and my emotions were teetering on insanity. She's at my house for just a bit before she has to head out again and we have alot of fun just talking. They leave and everything I have been holding in all weekend starts seeping out. My frustration level is registering on the Richter scale and I start sobbing uncontrollably. Innocently J asks me what is wrong. Nothing I continue to insist because I know once the eruption starts a fight will ensue. Finally I blow at his insistence. $300 for a miserable weekend with his family, but $50 for dinner with an old friend was out of the question. I would have done it myself but my cash card expired two days before so I had no control. Mind you our money goes into his account, but I make just as much as he does. I should have some say, right? He rants about how all I care about is money. I rant that you dont just fucking stiff people at dinner, much less your best bud you havent seen in 6 years.

I left Monday and took my kids to moms. All I could do was cry. I didnt speak to him much and slept with my daughter so he would leave me alone. I couldnt even stand the sound of his voice.

He left this morning and called me. Have I been into the savings account? He was confused about the odd amount......or was he just trying to tell me once again that what is important to me doesnt matter. There was no excuse for his stiffing them. Not with $600 in savings. Fucker.

Im left not wanting to talk to him or see him. Im disgusted that I support all of his family and friend plans, but everytime its not about HIM or HIS its discounted and bitched about....or simply not done.

He's been calling for the past hour as I sit here and bitch about him. Tough shit, he can rot in his motel room and wish he wasnt alone tonight. I have written him a letter. I have given him a stipulation for attending any friend dinners....he will give me $50 before anyone arrives to secure his payment for food. He doesnt pay, hes no longer invited. This is his second offense at stiffing the bill or attempting to and I wont play again. Im also opening a separate account simply for his stupidity and to cover my pride.

I would excuse his behavior as being that of his raising since his family has the very same issues, but that would be like excusing shitty behavior from his kids and I cant get over that, much less his acting like them. If raising is the reason his ass should be taking me out to nice dinners, buying me whatever I want and spoiling my ass because that is my background. Money was never an issue. There has to be some compromise and Im just not seeing it so for now he can simply kiss my ass until I get over it. The cound of his voice would likely still annoy me and Ive been annoyed enough.

Vigilante Stupidity

BELLINGHAM, Wash. - A man turned himself in to authorities in the killing of two convicted child rapists, saying he picked the victims from a sheriff’s Web site, police said.

Michael Anthony Mullen, 36, called 911 on Monday to claim responsibility for the killings, and officers who talked to him said he gave information that only the killer would know, according to a police news release. He was jailed for investigation of two counts of first-degree murder.

Hank Eisses, 49, and Victor Vasquez, 68, were found shot to death at their apartment Aug. 27. They were both classified as Level III sex offenders, considered the type most likely to reoffend. Sex offenders in Washington are required to register with local authorities, and the information is provided on the Web.

Mullen told authorities he targeted at least one of the two men after checking the county sheriff’s Web site July 13, according to the police statement.

The bodies of Eisses and Vasquez were found by a roommate, also a sex offender. He said a man wearing a blue jumpsuit and a cap that said FBI on it came to their home, told them he was an FBI agent and said one of them was on a “hit list” on an Internet site, police said.

The roommate said he left while the “FBI” visitor was still there and found the bodies when he returned about four hours later.

Days after the killings, The Bellingham Herald received an unsigned letter claiming responsibility for the killings. Police notified convicted Level 3 sex offenders in the area as a precaution, but said the letter was vague and could be a hoax.


That last sentence should be a hoax. Why would you warn the sex offenders. I can see the murderer's point. I mean he only went after the ones they let out regardless of the fact that there was no hope for them and their chances of reoffending were great. In this state the bastards were breaking the law by being in the same house together. Pop em, no big loss.

The sad part of this story, and I do mean the ONLY part that makes me feel bad is that they may stop publishing the addresses of these freaks and I wont know where they are. That puts the rest of us in jeopardy. The guy coulda popped em and shut his damn mouth. So much for a great idea in the hands of an idiot.