Mood Swings & Other Things

Wed Rant

2006-11-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

My mood has improved since my last post. I refused to rant more yesterday, so if there is a double dose here today and you dont want to read it.................dont.

Lately I should call this blog "my annoying co-worker" blog. I dont know. I like the girl, I truly do, but apparently my edginess has left me slightly intolerant of her normal babble.

Im not much of a people person. Thats right, I probably wouldnt like you.....or at least choose to spend extended amounts of time with you. There are times that I wish I was more sociable, but more often than not I am content on my own little planet feeding my own little ego and my vast variety of housepets who's company I am beginning to prefer to any humans. My biggest problem is caring about what people say. Most of the time I just hear blah, blah, blah and to be honest when I dont hear that, I am often sorry about the things I allow others to plant in my brain. It has to come out, and if you read this, it will be like a tiny mocro-chip being implanted into yours brain. At least it will be gone from mine.

Coworker has met several guys on line. She has a horrendous crush on one that she met last week and now that is her only topic of conversation. No wait......we did do lunch together last week and had an adult conversation......one where we both could relate. It is time for her 6 month evaluation adn possible raise. Her question to me was how much she should ask for. I couldnt really answer that for her. We are in separate departments and while I do know that she requires alot of help and has several questions about tasks that are absolutely imperative to understanding her role, Im not exactly the one to judge what she has learned here in the past 6 months. Was she even more stupid then?

I wouldnt give her a raise. If I were her supervisor she would be here for another 6 months and then re-evaluated. If you need assistance from me to figure out how to run your own reports and ask me to do it for you.......I would say you are stupid and need more training. Not to mention fearful of your own position.

My job has allowed very little training. Thank God I have already worked the industry so I am aware of alot of what goes on and understand the process to a large degree. It is also not in my basic makeup to wait for someone to tell me to do something or to wait around while my boss in on maternity leave and have a stack of questions for her when she returns. I can and will figure it out myself. The greatest compliment i have received since I started here was how impressed she was that I was willing to "take the bull by the horns" and get things done. I liked that. Comments like that make me think I have a valid reason for asking for a raise when it is review time. I dont need a sitter, dont want one. I will figure it out, make sure it is right and you can simply show your appreciation by saying nice things to me and giving me nice paychecks. Its a great arrangement. Not so in her case. She is always tired, always sore, always saying "I dont feel like working today" and then trying to call me into her office to show me more photos of this and that guy. I am to the point where I just say no. All the time. OTherwise I feel I will get sucked into that little world of make believe and my work mantra will become "I dont know"

So for 20 minutes this morning I listened to her ramble about her hour spent with Mr On Line last night. Great, I was truly interested in the SHORT VERSION of that event. Where she goes so terribly wrong is repeating herself.....repeatedly!!!! (hehe) Its like a mantra "I like him so much" "I like him so much" Do people not realize that every thought they have does not need to be verbalized at that moment in time. Particularly if the thought is obsessive????? That is a habit that has always annoyed me. It probably goes along with the fact that the majority of the time I am not listening, maybe others feel the need to help drive the information home for me. But when it does register and registers more than one time........my skin crawls. So as she stood at my desk, childishly knocking my pencils and pens from their places, flicking paper clips randomly around my desk.....I am proud to say that although I felt an overwhelming urge to slap her - I resisted the temptation.

I think I developed this hatred for repetition from MRLI. He has the same habit, although frequently he will re-arrange the wording so that it isnt the exact same sentence. I still hate it. I used to ask him if he repeated himself and reworded his sentences just to hear himself babble or if he actually thought I was so stupid I didnt get the first version. I found he wasnt really receptive to my sarcasm, it generally would cause a ridiculous arguement about how the sentence may sound the same - but it had a different intended meeting. At which point, if I were my obsessive co-worker, I would begin my own rant of "SHUT UP" "SHUT UP" because I also have no desire to entertain any sort of arguement, particulalry one that ends in nothing but my desire to throttle someone.

Thank God for the holidays. I hope you all find wonderful things in your life to be thankful for. I personally am thankful I will not be here even if my paycheck will suck in return. Im not a big fan of this time of year and all of its commercialism and greed. I hate shopping to Christmas music and while I love my extended family, there is a reason I dont spend anything but holidays with them. I miss my dad and wish he was still here to keep the rest of them seeming a bit more sane to me. My mother is great, but she thinks the entire family needs to be together - sheesh. :)

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Pissy Pants

2006-11-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ohhh, apparently sleeping my entire weekend was not enough. I have to sit here at my desk and do the head bob as well. Lovely. I hate days that feel like you left your brain somewhere else and while I try downing as many pots of coffee as my kidneys will allow - the only thing I am accomplishing is restocking the bathroom with fresh toilet paper.

Ive been finding everything about life completely annoying for the past four or five days. I SAW the guy in the shop take the last of the coffee in the breakroom and not make a new pot. I saw him weasel out of the breakroom as if he had not just committed a cardinal sin. Everyone knows that rule. How hard is it for the lazy slob to just make a fresh pot anyway? You take it, you make it - you're momma doesnt work here and neither does your wife.

I love my job. Truly. But my coworkers I am finding rather annoying. The girl upstairs who insists on telling me every dumb detail of her weekend, who keeps insisting that I come up to her office to view the picture of the latest guy she has met on line. I know theses types. Truly they dont want my damn opinion on whether or not he is cute, looks like he would be funny, etc. etc. They just want to share something I dont give two shits about and want a lame excuse to drag me into their world of drama. I prefer to earn my paycheck - with the exception of the occasional blog here and there and the occasional need to disctract myself and group by reading the news. My work must get done. And no, Im not interested in sharing my lunch hour with you today so that you can fill me in on more mindless drivel. Its the same conversation over and over and honestly I dont think I look so stupid you need to tell me twice. Oh wait, did you realize I was not listening? That does not mean I will be any more interested the second time around. That is my kind way of saying shut up. k? When I ask you how your weekend was, please keep it to a three sentence minimum. I give you that respect. Do you have any idea what I did all weekend?????? Hmmmm, no. Why is that? Because I dont spend the first hour of work time rehashing my conversations with everyone to you!! Do I think you would give a shit? No. Please have the same consideration. If you get past three sentences and see that we are no longer making eye contact or that I am answering my email......please excuse yourself up to your office and do your job. That is the real reason we came here. If you need a signal, such as me clearing my voice when I am ready for you to shut up......I will be happy to oblige. The only exception to the three sentence rule is on days like today where I fully admit that I am operating in complete bitch mode. If I tell you that, it means a simple "Good morning" is all I want to hear from you. And until you drag a real life stud into your office, please dont call me up there on your fantasies. Thanks.

Tuesday

2006-10-10T12:01:00.000-06:00

Well I didnt say I'd be back EVERYDAY. I figured I could keep up on this blog but it turns out...IM A QUITTER. Yea, thats right. Quit the blog AND quit smoking. Woohoo!!!! Last day of smoking was August 1. Well that was until last week. Apparently there are some things that are going to be a struggle for me to give up. But, if I keep working on them, pretty soon I will be perfect. Well maybe not perfect, but I will smell better and that has to mean something to someone!!

MRLI have been in counseling!!!! I told him either a counselor or the newspaper (for apartment hunting). That, needless to say, has been interesting. The first few sessions were rather heated. Apparently I am some over protective momma bear. Well, name a single mother who isnt. It's not too much to ask another person to just leave your kids alone is it? I mean, I dont interfere with HIS parenting, he can back off on mine. Im capable afterall. Ya think? Sheesh.

So I took up a new hobby - saltwater aquariums. It started out as a birthday gift that has steam rolled into a complete and total fascination for me. See my babies????? Ok, well I will show them to you just as soon as blogger decides I can add photos. Whats up with that???

Im back

2006-10-02T14:17:00.000-06:00

Temporarily or whatever, I dont know. I just thought ti might be nice to stop and say hi to all the folks I have been dogging for the past 6 months. (Yea, like they remember me right!)

I left my old job. Not that I didnt like it, I did, but it just felt like nothingness. No credit for bustin my hiney for them for a few years, no nothing. I got called into the bosses office for somewhat of a review and was simply told I was getting an increase in pay. I did however get a reprimand for having a tiff in the office. That is a whole other story that basically boils down to my refusal to be treated like a child.

During my "tiff" I fired off resumes and the calls started coming in. I also got a call from a former colleague who went to work for our competitor. That is the position I ended up taking. A rather nice salary increase, and alot less responsibility. My former boss hired 2 girls to take my place. Needless to say I was slightly disgusted to learn they were paying one of my replacements almost the same as they had paid me. Although they threw me a little party with cake and flowers, I felt totally confident about this new change.

So here I am at my new job, screwing off and saying hi to all my old blogger friends. Keep in touch, Ill be checking in and out!

Sick

2006-03-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

The flu from hell has been in my house. How much snot can one head contain? It seems to multiply as you blow. Ive managed to work, last week praying for death instead. Yea, I suffered....alot. I start feeling a little better and BAM, exhaustion sets in.

The shittiest part abut this damn crap is the fatigue. I can survive the aches and pains and the box after box of tissue.....but being tired all the time is making me fucking depressed. A vicious circle. Exhausted = depressed. Depressed = exhausted. After awhile its hard to tell which is which. Am I still physically sick or am I just so depressed I cant function anymore!!!

Who can sleep as many hours as I do and still daydream about naps and sleeping all weekend. For shits sake I fell asleep yesterday at the dentist.....without gas!!! Thats right, doc has my mouth numb, yet pried open to the point of pain and instead of my normal feelings of terror .... I fell asleep!!! How can that happen? How do you have drills circling your head, suction equipment picking up your drool and ya just simply doze off as if you are watchin tv!!!

Effexor has been a wonder drug for my mania....but maybe I am cycling again and Im in that lovely depressed state. My brain has taken yet another hiatus and I am worthless at work. Cant even remember phone calls I made yesterday to customers. Cant cook very often because Im so damn fatigued. i can sleep all night and still sleep all day. I cant get rested!!! Lifes not about waiting for your next NAP.....I have things to do!

Sex

2006-02-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Thats right, todays blog is about sex. Perhaps some of my blogging friends can help me understand men.....bruhahaha. Not likely, but this is what is on the brain, so this is what you get. Lucky you.

Then entire time I was married my sex life confused me. I had a high sex drive at the time, or at least I thought I did....simply because my ex wasn't all that into the act. Once a month and the man was good to go. It wasnt a cage rattling experience or intimate by any means. It was a constant state of aggravation for me the entire time. Five whole minutes and it was over until next month. Needless to say it left me feeling unwanted, undesirable and at best, his friend. I dont recall many times it wasnt just plain awkward. I mean a hole in the fence could have provided him with that much. He had a vasectomy after our third child. Part of being neutered included.....you have to expel "the good stuff" before it is safe to not get pregnant. The doctor told him at least 15 times. I recall a day in my frustrated state that he flatly told me that he was on number 10. WHAT? I asked him point blank why I was not included in any of these rendevous. How can you be in the same house with a man that will not touch you, yet he is expelling himself 10 times in a matter of weeks!!! ALONE! And WHY? I came to the conclusion that he liked himself better than me. I wanted more sex, he knew that. We had counseling sessions and he told the counselor that he "just didnt think about it". It had nothing to do with men, he just didnt think about it??? Obiously he just wasnt thinking about ME. He preferred intimate encounters ALONE. Freak.

Fast forward to after our separation. I met MRLI and he had (and still has) the sex drive of a rabbit. One of the things I liked about him was that he was intimate. He loves to cuddle, loves affection in any form....never pushes me away for "hanging on him" during a hug. It made me feel desirable, wanted. We could lay wrapped in each others arms the entire night without moving. It was comforting, I was finally desired. Our mutual need for affection turned into major lust. We couldnt be around each other for long without feeling completely lustful. We had a magic, a physical connection that neither of us had ever had with anyone else. Chemistry.
I say HAD because I have somehow dropped out of that equation. Changes in meds, none of which have ever done anything but either kill my sex drive completley or leave me too drained to want to participate, have greatly affected this connection.

Sunday night when I got home from my big trip he was all over me. I felt pretty drained from the lack of sleep, so I told him after a restful night I would be more likely to want to participate. Monday night I found myself still tired, so tired that at 8 pm I was cuddling on the bed with my youngest, and he enters the room.....really pissed off. Of course my reaction was to be pissed that I couldnt sleep when I needed to. Ive always had insomnia and if my body was willing, and my mind is participating.....why is this NOT ALLOWED? That opportunity doesnt present itself very often. So instead of sleeping I did what I normally do when tired.....move. Just keep moving until the "allowed" bedtime. Naturally when we went to bed I was irritated at his childishness, so he knew better than to attempt anything. Jokingly I told him the next morning that "tonights the night".....apparently he looked forward to that all day. I hadnt given it a second thought. It was however "the night", and all was well. The following morning he was all over me again.....does this ever stop? Sheesh, can we still not be in the same room without ripping off all of our clothes???

My daughter brought home a book. I picked it up and started flipping through the pages. The first few chapters and I was hooked. It's a story of shocking abuse....similar to the sotry of Dave Pelzer's. I wish I could think of the name, but regardless, I was peeling back my eyelids as I tried to get through each chapter exhausted. MRLI was annoyed that I took the book to bed, but I couldnt put it down! I fell asleep reading.

This morning came his confession. As he rolled over and once again tried to become intimate (standard morning wake up call) I mumbled in frustration and climbed out of bed. He was visibly irritated, and I honestly didnt know why. Our house has been in chaos. There was my trip, shopping for my daughters weekend ski trip, my sister has been in the hospital for almost two weeks close to death.....Sex simply hasnt crossed my mind. It's nothing personal, but everyone knows I have a one track mind and am not capable of juggling ten things at once without becoming a raging lunatic.

He confessed that he has been pissed about the sex. Pissed because I promised it to him on Monday and was too tired to deliver. (Nevermind that it happened Tuesday!) He was pissed that I mentioned it the following morning and brought a book to bed that night. "You arent serious are you?". Oh yea, he had been annoyed all week about it. Everytime I mention it, he apparently thinks about it ALL DAY, working himself into a frenzy.

Alot has been on the brain as mentioned before. I have also been juggling thoughts of ways to get my daughter a car. Ways to hold her former employer responsible for the environment she worked in. Ways to get myself back into school so my entire future is not in a trailer court. SEX? ..... since its not an immediate need (for me anyway) has taken a back seat. It doesnt occur to me.

I have explained to him numerous times that I am simply not entertained by crawling into bed and feeling a hand creep across the sheet. Or giving a good night kiss to have his tongue shoved down my throat. It feels like a comedy routine and my sex drive thrives off of the spontaneous and unknown. However, since I have no sex drive anymore apparently, it is going to have to be up to him to create these scenarios. Its not as if he is unaware or clueless about how to do that.....we have done it together for 5 years. But please honey......dont crawl into bed, turn out the light, turn on the alarm, kiss me goodnight with a snake tongue and expect me to jump all over you. Its gonna take more effort than that...on the part of the person who is interested.....(sorry its not me!) to get this motor running.

It all takes me back and makes me wonder.....why the hell cant people with similar sex drives attract each other?

Eric the pig

2006-02-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

......Its over. (sniff)

The girl time over the weekend was phenomenal. We have not all been together since high school and it was as if we never missed a day. The weekend was packed with giggles and good times.

The party was a smash. Mad was shocked beyond belief. HOWEVER, I have a tip for all you married guys out there....there is absolutely nothing less appealing than a married man pretending he is single because his wife is not present. Sexy is a man who loves and respects his wife and family.

Sometime during the evening our guest star disappeared with the office slut into the ladies room. Yes folks, the office whore and the movie star. I tried ignoring all of the horniness that was becoming more and more evident as people became more and more intoxicated, but I couldnt ignore the fact that this man was hired to entertain my friend, not his own bathroom fantasies. I was disappointed to say the least.

The following morning we went down to breakfast and it wasnt long until our star appeared. Full of himself but talking about his wonderful sons, his wife....and their current attempts at having more children. His antics form the night before kept running through my mind, and while everyone sat at the table enchanted by his stories, I felt sick to my stomach wanting to run. I excused myself from the table and went to shower.

I heard its customary for people of this status to have others arrange for them to have a "companion." God forbid they simply do their job and go home to their families. Of course, he didnt request one....he just tried to find himself a freebie before the night was over. By the time it came to be my turn to sit for a picture and autograph he had wiped his face over the necks and lips of dozens of women, thus this horriffic expression of mine when he started squeezing and pulling me close.

Mad Bash

2006-02-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

The pressure is on. The big birthday bash is TOMORROW night. Kinda makes me feel sick in anticipation. I am so not ready. It's semi formal, so my wonderful daughter took me dress shopping, aware that her mom is a complete and total nerd. After hours and hours of trying on dresses and checking out myself in the dressing room mirror......I really wanted to just slit my wrists. Im not used to this weight, even though its been here for over a year now. I cant get used to looking in the mirror and seeing lumps that shouldnt be there. Yea, yea.....put the fork down, I know.

I didnt want black. Black is basic and boring. But it hides the lumps....so black it was. There was a whole debate about wearing pantyhose with open toed shoes that I didnt understand with my cool Californian friend. Someone created the rule that if you have open toed sandals, you mustnt wear panyhose......if you must wear pantyhose, you must wear closed toe shoes. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS? Apparently you are supposed to go bare legged and anything you want jiggle free must be held in with a spandex something or other....Im assuming the new girdle. There are just too many rules for dressing women. There are too many rules to keep us groomed. $100 highlights in my hair and $100 on a dress and then there was the birthday gift. And lets not forget that you cant just pull your old duds out of the closet.....ya gotta have a regular new outfit. Oh and the tenny shoes needed to be replaced at $50. Its a damn good thing I filed my tax return early. I wanted to do the manicure, pedicure thing....maybe a facial as well. Instead, Im wearing pantyhose, taking 4 pairs of shoes to make sure I get it right. If I feel like a dork, I will simply reach in the bag and wallah......I have two giant suitcases full of crap to take for the weekend.

Eric Estrada is the surprise party host. The birthday girl had a crush on him in high school. We all had to write humiliating events that happened in her life so that we can basically roast her at the party. No expenses have been spared. There is a videographer, a photographer to take pictures with Eric, a dj, a limo.

I am so looking forward to seeing my friends again......the snobbiness of the event has my nerves a bit frazzled to say the least. The pajama party on Saturday is much more my speed. My bags are almost packed, my bank account almost drained. I havent left yet, but am already feeling like I forgot something important.

And if things couldnt get better. My best bud from high school and I have booked hair appointments together. Across from our hotel is a salon, so I figured if we look completely out of place in our dorky clothing, we could at least have fabulous up-dos. I am so psyched.

2006-01-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

Shorty after she started working, her boss asked her to clean the restrooms. With her mothers grace she politely declined and offered to quit instead. They teased her, telling her she was too good to clean toilets, in which she stated they simply couldnt pay her enough and she would rather quit. I saw her point, I have trouble using public restrooms and avoid them at all costs. Could I clean them? Hell no. I would have done the same thing. She brought home a "reprimand" from her supervisor. It "jokingly" stated that she was the only white person on the job and therefore thought too highly of herself to clean the restrooms. It stated that since the rest of the crew was mexican, that she apparently thought that the fucking wetbacks would wipe her ass as well as kiss it. (YEA, it really said this) It was filled with foul language and was signed by her immediate supervisor, who passed it off as a joke. I told her to save it, I didnt think it was funny and was obvious harassment.

Shortly after that the sexual comments started. It wasnt just co-workers, but her immediate supervisor that participated. He made several comments about her "nice ass" and other employees made regular comments about her in sexually explicit ways. Mind you that her supervisor is in his 30's, married with two children. That simply means to me that he really ought to know better. Sexual harassment laws are no big secret anymore, and people have been sued for much, much less. It wasnt until this week that she finally had enough to tell me everything that was happening.

One of her co-workers approached her and asked her if she would be willing to have sex with him. She said no. He then asked her if he could pay her for sex. She was very offended but played it off as a joke. She told me about it through tears, how much she has hated this job for that reason, but needs the money to buy herself a car. She told her supervisor about the comment and he asked her if she wanted to have him written up. She said not right now. He told her he would take care of the problem. Why would she have any faith in him to do anything? He sets the stage for this type of behavior. He supervises teenagers, yet participates and encourages sexual innuendo himself. Frequently he makes comments as customers leave that "She was hot, Id really like to f**k her" My daughter has no reason to think that he is serious about stopping the behavior when he is a participant.

There have also been several instances where male employees have slapped her on the butt or rubbed up against her backside in his presence and nothing has been said, in fact, that too is passed of as a joke. She works on a crew that may have one other female, but most frequently she is alone with the males. Go figure, other female employess dont last that long.

So here I sit today, frustrated as hell that the attorneys I have contacted have not responded. I have tolerated alot of the same shit at most of my jobs, mostly because I have no idea how to feed my children and pay my bills if I get fired or quit. The one time I walked out on this type of abuse, I was out of a job for several months. With a one income household, thats a problem.

I took her car shopping last night. We test drove a few and I have decided that if I am able, I will buy her the car. She bought her first one and it took a shit...so now it's up to me to help her. I believe that they should earn the priveledges in life....work for it. But the work this time doesnt necessarily have to be monetary. She has been convinced (as i was too) that 18 is tha magic age. No longer can anyone tell you what to do, or make choices for you. She had plans to move out with her boyfriend and my fear is that she will then drop out and destroy her education. Maybe a high school diploma doesnt mean much anymore, but to me is signifies

Wanted : Farm

2006-01-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

Oops, long time since between posts. Ive been doing well, just nothing much to talk about I suppose.

MRLI and I have been getting along beautifully. He has realized that our relationship is a tad more intimate when he's nice, and well......he's been nice and he's being rewarded. (evil smile)

Last weekend I saw the most beautiful thing. I wanted to post about it, but words couldn't even begin to describe the awesomeness. MRLI's former mother in law called and asked him to help her deliver a calf. (Yea, it's not calving season, but apparently these folks breed whenever they feel the urge) I had just gotten dinner on the table when he tells me "it's time." This has happened before and usually I just send him on his merry way to do the deed. Being his sweet self of late, he announces that it could be a learning experience for the kids. Cant say that mine have ever seen a calf be born.

Stepping through piles and piles of who knows what (I didnt want to know) in the dark out in the pasture while being followed by goats and llamas was interesting all on it's own. Its been awhile since Ive been out in true farm land. We made it through the mystery gush to the barn to find momma cow....sack hanging out her backside, full of blood, water and mystery juices.

I sat with the kids on the fence while MRLI roped and wrangled the momma to get her to hold still. Then came the interesting part. Yea, he got to stick his arm up her to pull out the baby. I've never seen such a glow on his face. He was definatley in his element. Who would have thought an arm up a cow would be anyones element, eh?

He got the chain fastened around the foot of the calf and pulled with her contractions. It didnt take long and a life was born. A steaming hot, bloody calf, half stuck in the birth sac. You wouldnt think that would be a pretty sight, slime and all......but I stood there in amazement that MRLI had just helped deliver a life. He pulled the sac from her face, and encouraged momma to come and see her baby. It was mommas turn to take over. It was truly awesome. He glowed for the rest of the weekend.

Happy New Year

2006-01-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a Happy New year........I insist. Half of "happy" is in your own outlook right?

We had a great New years eve with some friends. A few glasses of beer\wine, a few hands of poker and a few great stories and jokes and it was over. Not a single argument, or unhappy face. Yippee for us, it was a milestone.

My daughthers car broke down New Years Eve. New years day we went to take a look at the rolling box of junk and it had been towed. It had started to overheat and she pulled it into a gas station parking lot. Afraid to drive it any further she left it there for the night. I now hate all Kwik Ways. After finding out where it had been towed, I politely asked the manager to waive the towing fee, to which she basically told me to screw off. After several phone calls and arguments getting me no where, I decided I should simply wish these wonderful folks a Happy New Year and be on my way. It didnt happen that way. I couldnt bring myself to say a single kind thing to any of them. Especially when they told me that $80 CASH was the impound fee. I don't wish any of them a Happy New Year. But then again, its a convenience store manager.....how happy should I really expect them to be. And the toothless hair lip and his look alike son from the towing company - I hope they use my money as a start for some dentistry or cosmetic surgery.

Today being the first day of the office New Year, we get to work and get a surprise email. I work for a family owned company. This summer the company was to be taken over by the younger generation as the older retired. It sounded fantastic. But the bubble was burst this morning BY EMAIL that after 2 years of being here to learn the ropes, the younger son has cashed in hope and is moving back to a big city with his big paying former job with Mr Gates. So here we sit wondering what our futures hold, with little to no hope of any more explanation than that and just as much information about the plans for the future. I did ask if we will all still have jobs. I kinda need to know that. I dont want to be emailed at 4:30 that the doors are closing tonight at 5.

In even more news, I bought Nicorette. I've been hating my smoking duty. Sometimes I really enjoy a cigarette, but others I am pissed that I HAVE to go through the routine to get my fix. The gum tastes shitty, especially when you dont read the directions first. I thought my throat was closing off and I honestly had a hard time swallowing. Mr Live In is joining me in my efforts, so we both kept saying "ARE YOU HAVING A HARD TIME BREATHING TOO???" I guess we found some comfort knowing the other person thought they were dying as well.

With change comes FEAR. For the moment Im simply counting on my belief that all things work together for good............

UGLY

2005-12-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

How do you convince someone who is truly beautiful of that fact?

We had a rough night in our household last night. The two youngest have been at each others throats for months. They used to be like two peas in a pod, but the older one went into junior high this year and you would think that her sister is the spawn of satan now. They cant be near each other without the rest of the room feeling the tension......and last night literally feeling it.

They sat quietly playing a game. I crawled into bed after threatening their lives if they continued any more of their earlier bickering. Within 15 minutes I heard blood curdling screams and thumps and the oldest child interrupted the fight that turned into a physical boxing match. Both were crying, both were hurt and both were sent to bed in separate rooms and grounded from all of their life's enjoyments.

The middle child likes to write. She's natured alot like me, she likes to hold her thoughts, emotions close to herself. But she likes to get them out of her brain by writing them on paper. The note I found really bothered me....still bothers me. Scrawled all over the paper was "I hate me. I am the ugliest thing in the world. I am ugly and smell funny. I am ugly and unwanted. I am ugly and hairy. I am ugly and friendless. I am ugly. I wish I could start over."

She has always been adorable. People have always commented to me and to her how adorable she is. And she's talented. She can write stories, and writes them well. She loves sports, and last year was involved in every opportunity to be involved in every school function and program possible. We ran ourself ragged accommodating these things. She played the violyn, soccer, volleyball...and was very competitive and good at all of them. Middle school was a little different. She joined cross country and quit. She doesnt hang out with any of the kids that she participated in all of these activities with anymore. And for craps sake, she seems to even hate herself now.

I have not had the oppotunity to talk to her about the note. I kept it for reference for our conversation. Ever since PMS kicked in she has been one moodly child. But her lack of self esteem lately really bothers me. She's a gorgeous child and doesnt even recognize it. Worse yet, I didnt know she had these feelings. No one would by being around her.

Anyone have any advice for how to perk up the self esteem of someone who has no reason to hate herslef in the first place?

Christmas Lessons

2005-12-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

So Christmas is over.......yippee. And everyone is happy with their gifts. Bigger yippee. Every year I stress out wondering what to get everyone. Apparently I did good.....the only complaint I heard was from my nephew who on Christmas day continued to ask me "Where's my present?" Grrr....

It makes you wonder where on earth to draw the line? Gifts for secret santas at school, gifts for the very special friends, gifts from one kid to the other, gifts from each kid to gramma, gifts from kids to step parents, parents........the cycle in mixed families could go on endlessly. And the reason for the line being drawn at this particular avenue is that ...... well, his mother divorced my brother, and while I still consider him my nephew for all intents and purposes, rarely do we have much contact except during holidays. It's not like I ever get invited to birthdays, even though his mother still lives with my brother. The kids dont play together.......I figured it was just as well within my budget to give them a family gift. Not to mention at 12 years old he is far too old to be following me around whining "where's my present." The parents missed the giving lesson on that one. So I tackled him, smothered his face with kisses, and told him that was all I had for gifts this year.....lovin's. I had to do it twice.......he wasnt as offended as I had thought. (snicker)

MRLI was very sweet all weekend. Considering it was a long weekend, thats quite an accomplishment....he didnt even complain about spending new years with my buddies. The talk my brother in law had with him may have helped some. They work together, and he has noticed an enormous change in his demeanor the past few months. To the point of wanting to quit his job to not be around him anymore. Thats pretty bad. So he told him he's been as ass. He said its due to stress, the same thing I always get, but apparently the point was made that I have not been making shit up.....that everyone has noticed he has taken a turn for the worse. I have been hoping that someone would come forward and mention something, anything to him, so he could take a closer look at himself instead of just being defensive like he does with me.

Things are looking up.

I realized that my emotions have been in a bit of limbo lately. We have been spared the grim reaper in our family this year, but I came across an obit from a school friend that saddened me. I dont know how he died, I havent had contact with him in years, but I was still saddened and affected by the feeling of mortality. We never know how long we have. The clock is always ticking but we have no clue how close we are to the timer going off. I'm not afraid of that concept, but everytime someone I have known dies, I wonder how much time we waste doing things that arent important and hope that when my timer expires that everyone I love knows it. I feel for their family, Ive been through the same.

I also was reading the local paper and realized that my best friend from junior high school was on the front page. It seems her 5 year old daughter has a form of childhood cancer. Ive also lost contact with her. Its amazing how we make choices that make us miserable, while others are afflicted with uncontrollable life circumstances that are far more tragic than anything we can ever imagine. I cant imagine anything in life more painful than a terminally ill child. God bless that family.

I was always taught when you start feeling sorry for yourself, feel free to take a look around. Sometimes I need to be reminded of those lessons, and this Christmas I was.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2005-12-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. How on earth did you make it without my rounds of ranting?? ; )

I've had a ton of things on the brain, much like the rest of you...all of the holiday cheer associated with draining your bank account in an effort to see some smiley faces for a few minutes as the gifts are unwrapped and one present is stashed aside for the next one.

I'm not a big fan of Christmas. I love the lights, the tree...but hate the music, the crowds of people and the general crabbiness of other shoppers. It all defeats the purpose of the season, which used to be to spread cheer but has been reduced to greed and selfishness. Yea, I know you probably havent heard about that stuff, its everywhere, but damn it it's true.

In our family the grim reaper likes to visit during the holidays. We have a sick running joke about who's "number is up" this year. Having a sick brother and sister, it wouldn't be a terrible shock if it were either of them, so you can understand why we all sort of hold our breath and wait for the season to pass. Alot of the traditions we still hang on to for the sake of the kids. It's important they have normal memories rather than the sick ones the rest of us seem to have.

I have alot to be thankful for and that is what I am putting my focus towards this week. Apparently that is why i havent blogged alot....no bitching, no blogging. I have a good job, a roof over my head that is my own, a car thats paid for, my mental health hasnt slipped a gear, and my children are happy, healthy and safe.

This isnt just a place for me to vent. When I havent been writing, I have still been reading, and even without commenting, I still feel the need to catch up on the daily lives of the bloggers I have become attached to. Kinda strange how you can wake up wondering about the life of a complete stranger. I wonder how so-and-so is doing on her meds, how another is doing in treatment, what another has found in the news that he's commenting on today. There are many others, you get the point.

So for all of my attachments, I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS. Now go out and spread some cheer!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

False Generosity

2005-12-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post about the pro's and con's of MRLI and this ridiculous relationship, but I realized that the pro's have pretty much dwindled down to his paying bills on time. Small things continously rear their ugly heads and the good things, the things I thought were good about him, have just disappeared and I feel like a sucker.

Before he moved in he was sweet. The things he would to to make me believe that he loved me. The things I missed about him when we were separated before. Things like hiding flowers in grocery bags, thoughtful things he would do to make me feel special. Not buying expensive gifts, just bringing home something small that made me know he was thinking of me while he was gone all week.

Some strange behaviors have amused and confused me lately and i wonder how long the manipulation has been going on and i have been improperly medicated and not noticing. For instance, recently we were discussing Christmas gifts. His work is seasonal so the past few weeks have sucked financially. During this talk he mentioned skipping his truck payment and using the money to contribute to Christmas. I found it to be sort of odd, since skipping bills would ultimately make him insane, even if it was just for a month. Today in the mail he received a letter from the financer of his truck. As a Christmas gift, they are allowing him to sjip his payment interest free. Of course, it also stated "second notice." I chuckled to myself, realizing it was not some act of generosity on his part, but an opporutnity for him to appear to be generous and making a sacrifice....since that is how he portrayed it to me. He never mentioned it to me, not until I brought it up tonight on the phone. He had filled out the paperwork weeks ago, but never once mentioned to me nor the fact that it was a bank offer. I felt slightly manipulated.

The person I thought I loved is disappearing into the shadows. I'm thankful for that, it will make ending things ultimately easier once his true character is brought into full view and I can see it for what it truly is.

Another odd thought....although he cowered back into the house after Saturdays incident I realized that all I really got for his behaviors was excuses, there was never an apology. He was the one to notice first the bruises on my back, never once an apology. He also, not surprisingly, has not asked about his "counseling appointment." I have decided that he can make those efforts on his own. I have had to seek out the help I needed on my own, even at times against the advice of others. I have mentioned several times in conversations over the past two days that he needs help, but he has simply laughed off my comments and changed the subject. Again, that nagging feeling of being manipulated surfaces.

Saturday

2005-12-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

Saturday was our great annual company Christmas party. Things that I plan have a tendency to turn to shit for some reason, but I was extremely hopeful about this evening. It had been a very long time since I was even interested in going anywhere, much less expect something fun to happen.

A week ago I mentioned to MRLI that Saturday would be my company dinner. His response "Why do they have to pick a weekend that I have kids?" Hmmm, perhaps if they gave a shit about anyones schedule, they would have consulted me since I work there. That didnt happen, so why would they go a step beyond and ask you? Idiot. So, as any noremal person would expect, I didnt look forward to bringing up the subject again to discuss what arrangements we would make for childcare....until I had to on Friday night. Of course, with his attitude lately being that of a nuclear time bomb, the fireworks began. How dare I tell them at work I will be going without asking him about it. How dare I just assume he could stay home with the kids? (His own kids mind you.....I had made arrangements for mine throughout the week)

As luck would have it, his ex called and she wasnt sending the kids because one had pink eye, another was spending the weekend with his grandmother....so there was only one child to consider. That was simple enough, it was settled. Until he went to pick them up on Saturday and the child with pink eye was also coming. Still, we managed to make arrangements, no matter how frequently he threw tantrums about various things.

I desperately needed a hair cut. I took my middle daughter with me to pick up gifts for the party, get my hair cut, and pick up a few groceries for the night. I was gone too long. I didnt pick out the right stuff for dinner. It was a pre cooked lasagna for the kids, but suddenly cooking time was an issue. I informed him of my intenetion to have a good time, and if he wanted to be a shit head he could stay home with his kids.

Dinner went well. Fabulous food, wine flowing, great conversations, alot of silliness among co workers. Then some of us decided to do a little dancing after dinner so we went to a karaoke bar and sang and danced and had a great time. Still great conversations, no indication of aNy type of problems.

MRLI was first out the door of the bar to go home. I tried catching up to him, but hit a patch of black ice and fell on my toushe in the parking lot. Of course I had a buzz on, so rather than feeling any pain I found it to be humorous. I got into the car, and with laughter said "It was nice of you to wait for me, some stranger just had to help me get off my butt out there." He blew a gasket. He was pissed I hadnt seen him talking to a co-worker earlier in the evening, pissed I hadnt heard other conversations going on among the loud music. He yelled at me for the duration of the ride home.

When we reached home we got onto the porch and he pushed me against the house. Never having been one to tolerate getting knocked around with out a fight, a physical altercation ensued. One that broke my glasses, bruised my back and elbows and pissed me off to no end. He's never hit me, never gotten physical with me really, but my daughter opened the door to see the shove and called the police. I had him escorted out of my house. Since he doesnt have anywhere to go and he couldnt drive, the only place he could be dumped at was his ex-wife's house. She let him sleep on the couch.

Sunday he comes home, wanting to talk. Admitting to having nager issues that he doesnt understand. I listen as he tells me that he knows he has tried to rob me of any joy in my life, that he is aware that he is doing it, but it seems to be impossible for him to control. He gets pissed about things and allows his anger to feed until it becomes this giant monster that has less and less control. He asks me to find him a counselor, he knows he needs help. He doesnt want to live out of a storage unit on weekends, he doesnt have the money to just go rent a place. I feel bad and agree that he has until his income tax return money to show some sign of improvement or he can use that money to get the hell out.

To be continued......

If You Read This, Consider Yourself Tagged

2005-12-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

1. Given a homeless guy more than $5? ... Yes

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out? ...Not quite that much, although several times it felt like I did.

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day? ... No, yuk, never. I have no desire to land on Jerry Springer with a string of men who "might be the daddy"

4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back? No way.

5. Dated two people at once? Yes, why not?

6. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before? No

7. Been raped?...Yea

8. Failed more than one class? ...At a time? No....In my life...yup.

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? ...No

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? ...Yes

11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? ...At night, yea.

12. Scuba dived? ..No, the shit underwater scares me.

13. Snorkled? ...No, see number 12.

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? ..Not regularly, but I have been on dates I wouldnt admit to later.

15. Got your stomach pumped from alcohal poisoning? ...No

16. Threw up from alcohol? ...Eww, yea....to this day tequila will shoot right out my nose if I even attempt to drink it. And dont come anywhere near me with a fuzzy navel. (the drink either)

17. Been suspended from school? ....No

18. Kissed someone of the same sex? ...No and I dont want to.

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties? Yup, AND told my date while we were out. ;)

20. Let a guy paint your toenails? ...Havent had any offers, although I do try to convince the men to let me paint theirs. (No takers so far)

21. Met someone famous? ...Yes, but I was drunk so even though I remember telling him he wasnt all that....I cant remember who he was. Some band member.

22. Saved someone's life? ...No

23. Seen someone die? .....Thank God, no.

24. Killed someone? ....No

25. Been in a physical fight? ... Yes, mostly with my ex. (I never won)

26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger than you? ...Older, yea. My ex was 12 years older. (Grosses my kids out now for some reason)

27. Been arrested? ...Yes

28. Spent the night in jail? ...No, the thought terrifies me.

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? ...No, but I have wrecked alot of vehicles.

30. Had sex outside? ....Lots of times

31. Given or gotten road head? ....Lots of times

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? ...Lots of times

33. Had phone sex? ...The point of that would be what? I have had webcam sex though....haha

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene "down there"? ....Uh, no...I have a fetish about dating clean men. Is that odd?

35. Watched the donkey show? ???????

36. Had sex without a condom? ...Yes

37. Had a one night stand? ...I plead the fifth

38. Triple Kissed? ...No

39. Had sex on the beach? just the drink.....I live in Montana people (no beach)

40. Watched porn with someone else? ....Well now, isnt it better that way?

41. Been fired from a job? ...Yea

42. Danced on top of a bar? ...Yea, and entered the contests. (And won bar tabs)

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? Uh, no....my school was a church....how wrong would that have been. Although some deeds were happening in the dark room, I was not involved.

44. Bought a vibrator? ...Yes

45. Been in a porn shop? ....Yes, and had sex in there.

46. Been in a dance competition? ...On the bar? Yea.

47. Had a threesome? No...not interested.

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? ...Yes

49. ODed on a drug? Yes, thats what got me three days in the hospital.

50. Set a burning bag of poo on someone's front door step? No, you wont catch me carrying around poo. Must have been someone else.

Kens Mail

2005-12-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

My best friend and I are planning a New years Eve party. Just a little get together of games, kids, movies, popcorn, wine....whatever, we are still in the beginning stages. We have been putting it off since we decided to do one, mainly because the only people in the group who even like each other is her and me. Great, eh? We've had bouts with each others bf's, mainly in defense of each other, and we basically tolerate each others partner for the sake of our friendship. It hasnt been that often that the four of us have gotten together. The few times it did happen, inevitable one couple or the other would end up in a fight. So although we decided several week ago that we wanted to do something, it wasnt until last night that she decided to drop the bomb on her b\f. She claims he was thrilled, looking forward to company.

Today at work I get an email from him. Our conversation is below:

HIM: So I hear you and yours are joining us for a New Years Eve party……..I know R bought some new games as X-mas presents for the kids, and I’m sure we’ll have some wine and “spirits” on tap. Should be fun………..oh, one note though you have leave (Mr Live In) and his (children) elsewhere…….!!!!!

ME: (trying to diffuse what I interpret as being very rude) Im assuming his "charm" has not escaped anyone's attention. R did mention something about black tarps and duct tape. I fully intend to ditch the children, although Im not so sure I will be able to hide from him as successfully. If not, we can always spike his drink (with oh I dunno, arsenic) and he may sleep right through it. I was thinking of game shopping as well. "Chutes and Ladders" is getting rather boring.

HIM: Serious………don’t bring him along…….

What would YOU say?

There were several instances in which Mr Live In and I would get into a fight, or he would publically humiliate me in the company of these friends. However, the same could be said about their relationship. They have displayed their dirty laundry and tempers on more than one occasion while out with us.

Ironically, this past week things have been better with Mr Live In. I dont understand why this viscious cycle continues to reverberate through this relationship and dont know how I can feel things for him one week when he is decent and so intensely hate him the next several weeks while he behaves like a jackass. What the hell? Certainly not love, but what the hell is it? Sickness? Who is feeding off who? Am I really vulnerable enough that he can be a dick until I get sick of it and then he can be nice until he's tired of being nice and I tolerate this? Is that possible? Is it possible that there are times the bipolar monster robs me of feeling anything but anger and hate? And then back to love? Does this monster control my feelings, how I react to things and when? What the hell? Last week I was planning a place to bury his remains...this week I am content. Is it because he is being nicer, afraid he has pushed me too far....or is my perception of his being nice even real?

What do I do with this invitation? I suppose by New Years we will be in a pissing match about something again, and going alone wont be a problem. I feel stupid though, wondering what the hell I do about this party and his being DIS-INVITED. Thats awkward for me, particularly since I know for certain that it is not the idea of my best friend. She wouldnt make me choose, she never has. So who the hell is her b\f to decide who he wants to invite when he isnt even planning this get together. In fact, I know she doesnt even know about the email he sent me. I thought of asking her about it, but decided that could be left for later, shes having a shitty day and I dont plan to add to it.

My brain is swimming in circles.

Stupid Boyfriends & Stupid Criminals

2005-12-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

My daughter's boyfriend is not the brightest crayon in the box. She has dated him for over two years now and the longer this relationship goes on, the more I wonder about her future with him. It's scary.

When he was 17 he couldnt get along with his step dad (mostly because he refused to let him be a bum and made him go to church). Yea, he was hard on him, but those were the last of his moments of any type or responsibility. His mother helped him get into an apartment as he worked full time and was finishing up his last year in high school. He would buy my daughter elaborate gifts regularly. I think the most elaborate being a $300 cell phone...alond with a plan that cost him around $100 a month. Needless to say within a few months both his apartment and the cell phones were gone. (Along with his mothers credit as a co-signer).

He was homeless. I tried talking him in to going back home, swallowing his pride and following the rules of his parents home. He refused. He changed jobs repeatedly over the next year. Floating from house to house, my daughter would help him by washing his clothes and since I felt a little sorry for him myself, he ate with us pretty regularly. He bounced from house to house because nobody could squeeze money out of him for rent. It was a no brainer, some of those places were pretty cheap, but still he refused to contribute and dodged the landlords until his stuff was once again on the curb.

His mean step father got a loan for him to get a car. During his roughest periods I would find him outside in the winter, huddled under a blanket in his car in below zero temperatures and invite him on to the couch. I guess I was hoping that if one of my children were ever in that predicament that someone would take pity on them and help them out. He continued to bounce from job to job and I grew more and more frustrated by his irresponsibility.

A few months ago he and a friend decided to move in together. They found the most elaborate apartment they could find...complete with swimming pool, jaccuzzi, weight room, even a mini put-put course. The rent was elaborate as well, but you cant seem to tell a teenager anything, they already know it all. After his friend put down the deposit and the majority of the first months rent, they were in. Soon after dumb boyfriend, after wrecking his car several times (mostly into power poles and cement barriers) he no longer was impressed with these wheels. It broke down. He parked it in a grocery store parking lot and left it there. I repeatedly told him to have it towed before and impound lot was called, but he was too busy doing nothing to bother. His roommate decided to rescue him and buy another car for him. Unbeknownst to anyone else, stupid roommate took out a car title loan on his own vehicle and gave stupid boyfriend the money. Stupid boyfriend purchased a junk vehicle with no working taillights and proceeded to get himself into more trouble by driving it at night, apparently not needing taillights or insurance. Stupid boyfriend was also still paying for the original loan on junker number 1.

By the time rent was due again, they were served with an eviction notice instead. At the same time the car title loan was not paid, so stupid roommate lost his vehicle. Within days, juker two broke down and was not driveable. It currently still sits in a church parking lot awating impound.

Junker one recently disappeared. We assumed that since the loan on it hadnt been paid and it had been abandoned, either the bank found it and re-poed it or an impound lot got its hands on it. Stupid boyfriend was now homeless and had no car-home either. Stupid daughter thought mom would rescue stupid boyfriend again, but instead mean mom directed the idiot to the homeless shelter. My empathy had officially ended. Stupid boyfriend decided that rather that crawl home to his parents he would simply not turn in the keys to the apartment and stay there with nothing but a floor to sleep on while racking up more charges in rent.

My daughter was driving home a few nights ago and took a wrong turn. In a neighbors driveway sat stupid boyfriends car. She stopped and stared, counting the dents and broken windows to be sure it was his. The numbers matched. She was instructed to call the police and take stupid with her over there to identify the car and find out why it was there.

The police escorted the two of them over to the neighbors house. He had gotten the car from his friend Steve. Steve had shown him a bill of sale and was offering to sell him the car. The police objected when they ran the vin number and it belong to stupid boyfriend. They were instructed to move their other car so the police could push the vehicle around the corner to my house. Mean step dad wanted charges pressed for theft.

The police contacted Steve. His lame ass story was that he had stopped to help someone who was working on the car. The person had no idea what was wrong with the car, so Steve offered him $10 since he wanted some parts off of it. It was sold. A done deal. Steve towed it away to his house and then over to a friends. When asked what the seller looked like, Steve responded, "Average height, average weight" and that appeased our police department. It still didnt raise any suspicions that Steve had 8-10 other vehicles in his posession junked out for parts.

My guess is that someone was having an unlucky day or that the good Lord finally showed some mercy to stupid boyfriend. My sneaky hunch is that these morons were planning to part the car out and junk it. Too bad for them that they chose to do so a block from my house. The police said there will be nothing we can do about it if Steve sticks to his story. They know he's lying, but cannot prove otherwise. Do these people not watch CSI????? I'm starting to think that show is total bullshit. The police department around here cannot solve shit the way that they do. Or even solve shit at all.

Good Things After the Bad

2005-11-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Each day has something to cherish, something positive. Some days you have to really look closely to find it, others it stares you in the face - or like today.....it calls you on the phone at work.

One of my best friends from high school will turn 40 in February. I know this because her brother called me to invite me to her bash.

There were three of us in high school. We did everything together. It wasnt until after high school that her and I became really close. After her and I had our first children at the same time. We did alot together after that, she was like a sister to me. Everytime hubby at the time left town, she would come and stay with me. We made Christmas goodies together. Lots of memories. She moved away and got married and had more kids. I had more kids and we vacationed together a few times. I got divorced and that all stopped, but she did come to visit a few months ago and we had dinner together and shared memories.

Her brother was one of my good friends in school as well, it was kinda like a little family. He called today, wanting to fly me and the other friend in for her birthday. We will all be together again, I am psyched.

It is going to be a surprise. The biggest surprise and secret is this. I cant tell anyone but my bog friends, and I gotta unload this information NOW!

In high school my friend had a crush on a famous actor. (Names are being omitted at the moment to protect any invasion of this private info). This actor will be flown in to this bash to read all of the imbarassing memories we will be submitting. Im glad it wasnt anyone I thought was all that, although he was quite hot at the time and alot of my friends had his posters plastered on their walls.

Im going to get busy with my reporting. I have alot on this chick and cant wait to see the look on her face when he reads it all off to her. There will be photos friends. This event will be in February. STAY TUNED

Blood & Cheesesticks

2005-11-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

My daughters boyfriend stated the other night that he is in exactly the same spot as he was last year at this time. His life had not changed one iota, he had made no progress in his life whatsoever. That statment has been lingering with me today making my mind swirl around it with my life's comparison.

Mr Live In's parents came for the holiday. His mother was helpful with the cleaning and cooking, this time it was his aunts turn to complain and she did - right down to the salt that we use. I didnt let it bother me much, miserable people complaint non-stop, thats just the nature of their personalities. Whoa is me, I have nothing intelligent to say so I will just sit here and bitch. The food was great, the games we played after dinner were fun.

Mr Live In's son decided to attack my daughter after she objected to his use of her favorite night time stuffed puppy. Knocked her into the coffee table, bruised her arm and this in front of other members of his family who just sat there watching tv as if nothing was happening. His punishment was sitting on the floor in the same room the grown ups were playing games and interacting with them while the other children were expected to go to sleep. No words about the difference between a whallop to your 95 pound brother vs. the 60 pound GIRL you just bashed. No apology, nothing much at all.

The following day, same son pushed his sister and she cut open the bottom of her foot requiring an ER visit and four stitches. I have been noticing lately that the gap that exists between blended families (ie your kid vs. mine) has been the karma involved for stupid dads choices. He did nothing, and the same problem bit him in his own ass rather than mine. Still nothing. In fact, when I pointed out the problem he became angry and yelled at me "Why does it always have to be one persons fault?" Hmm, maybe because that ONE PERSON is always in the vicinity when someone else is bleeding? Ingenious of me to think of it I know, but consider that possibility in your crime solving moron. (Later I over heard him admit to his ex wife that this son had been involved in several fights in the house over the weekend and he was considering giving him away. Brilliant man I tell you, brilliant. Dont discipline him whatever you do, just make stupid comments. Must be genetic.)

Still the next day this same son once again kicked my daughter when she tried to share matchbox cars with the injured child. At that point I threatened to make him sit on the couch at every visitation from now on if he could not keep his limbs to himself. And I loudly gave the "you are a boy and this is a girl" lecture to him (and probably the rest of the house) As toddlers I could see this struggle, but as children between 10 and 12 ? Your excuses for beating on each other just dont wash with me and are not ok. I dont even give a shit who started it. Does anyone else see the difference? Its not really being impartial to my child, shes a scrawny little girl and these are 90-some pound boys!! It seems like obvious math to me, but not to his family. Of course while typing this I can also say that his family fully approves and condones public farting. In fact if you can get a contest going, you are even more of a talent. They are also public beer belchers. Female, male makes no difference. They all fart, blech and hock loogies like competitors. Female loogies? That would have gotten you slapped in my house growing up. Much like my brothers would have been pounded had they laid their hands on a female. Some things just arent acceptable. Those were two biggies. Girls behave like girls, and boys respect the differences.

Sunday wasnt any better. After the company left a friend called and wanted me to go have lunch. We love to sit around and bs while munching on appetizers and coffee. (This would only be our second time in about 5 years...I usually decline to avoid the hassle.) Mr Live In threw a fit. He hates that I spend time with anyone but him. I am either accused of ignoring him on weekends when we have no kids, or of sticking him with all of the responsibility if we do. Its a no-win sitation. While I was gone he filled my teenager full of his shit, blithering about how "fucked up" it was that I went. Juvenile behavior? Absolutely. Typical? Yup, even though we have had a zillion and one conversations about how inappropriate it is to vent to the children. He refused to help my daughter with a car problem because I was out to lunch with my best friend. He pouted when I came home and blithered about how nice it must be for me to get to go out to eat while the rest of them stayed home. (Yea, cheese sticks and finger food was pretty fucking elaborate of us folks.)

Sunday night, after making several rude comments about my weight and my appearance, we climb into bed. He states that the reason he always rolls to my side of the bed is because I weight that side down when I get in. Ok, I have a few extra, but not enough to dent a fucking mattress. He laughs, thinking its a funny hahah, and I tell him to just go to sleep. Within ten minutes he says hes not tired. "Do ya wanna have nookie?" Hmmm, do I wear a sign that says beat me down then fuck me? I think not. I sarcastically decline. This sends him into a speech about how I used to like it and how Im not interested anymore. (Can you imagine???) I know he's not this stupid, that it's just another way for him to place blame on me for something. How do I KNOW he's not that stupid? Friday when he came home he was Mr Loving. Mr I Cant Keep My Hands Off You, even if it just for a hug. Mr I Cant Tell You Enough How Much I Love You. Mr. Come Here, Kiss Me, sit on my lap. Did he get lucky that night? Yup. Did he know that tactic would work? Oh yea. Did I know what he was up to the moment he walked in the door? Of course. But put simply, if you are going to be that nice, that attentive and that caring it's going to throw me off and I will give it up. After all, I have been wishing you would bring out this side more often and am more than happy to reward it.

It's comments like "Looks like I dontaed the rest of my check for groceries this week" that really drive home that we are not a family regardless of our attempts at pretending to be one. He never hugs my children, although his kids hug and kiss on me all the time. Its like breaking his neck to get him to fix the teens car and god forbid spend a fucking dime that didnt come from child support on any of them. I dont see how that makes us a family. Families share. When his son hated his underwear and refused to wear them, I bought him boxers in an attempt to fix the problem. In his mind the children go without while the adults revel in the cash flow because they earned it. I was raised different. Sure the adults had nicer cars, bigger rooms in the house, their own toilet, etc. But I know my mom was just like me. She would have gone without to give to her kids. My kids wear shoes I would never have thought to bought for myself. They get new clothing alot more often than I do. If I have a choice between spending my last $10 on myself or bringing a smile to one of their faces....the choice is an obvious one for me.

I am sick of him. Sick of his controlling antics. Sick of his negative influence in my house. I want him out. I do feel bad that he gave away alot of his shit to move in with me. Maybe my bluntness about not committing should have been a clue.

Pray for me. I need to make the best decision for my house and I know what it is. I have played on this merry-go-round with this guy for over 5 years of my life and like my daughters boyfriend........there has been absolutely no progress.

Shut Up

2005-11-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

I think one of the most frustrating things about bipolar is the inability to get your mind to just shut up. I'm sitting here thinking of today's events, as I have frequently throughout the day, and my mind is once again playing ping pong. The balls keep changing, the thoughts incomplete. It's time like this I get quiet and numb. I think it's just mental exhaustion from trying to form a complete thought. My brain seems ot work that way. If I can manage to get my thoughts into some organized fashion, complete sentences, complete thoughts, it quiets the rambling.....or at least narrows it down.

I uese this blog as a diary.....much like I create elaborate spreadsheets at work to put into organization something that makes sense in my mind. It's also a recall for times that I am completely blank....my mind exhausted from the racing thoughts, so exhausted that at times forming a complete, rational sentence is difficult. I hate feeling stupid, I hate looking stupid, and so I have to record things, for recall when I need them. My memory sucks, and no medication seems to be able to correct any of that. I am dumbfounded at times at the conversations I have had, the things I have said and often things I have done that I cannot recall. I hate being reminded by someone things I have said, stupid things I have done and feeling like I wasn't there......usually thinking surely they must be exaggerating.....but also knowing at the same time it is most likely true.

I don't have to drink, or use any other substance for this to happen. My kids get frustrated with me for having to repeatedly ask about specifics of certain things. They are also grateful that I cannot often remember that I have grounded them.

I'm finding Effecxor and alcohol are not so friendly. Not that the warning on the bottle isnt there in giant print for me to see....but with Paxil I could self medicate on top of it and never have a hangover. I could quiet my mind as needed and never suffer the consequence. This is a pro for Effexor, as I'm not real fond of feeling like I need something more......pretty good indicator that what I have isnt working.

I wonder if all bipolar people, medicated or not, experience rapid mood swings under the influence. I remember times I would go out with friends and do the Jeckyl-and-Hyde syndrome......suddenly switch from party girl to raging lunatic bitch.....and never know ahead of time which it would be. It didnt happen often, but when it did.......it was bad. I also wonder if this brain ping pong is something we just have to learn to live with or if there is a drug to quiet the mind without making us feeling retarded.

BEST DAY EVER

2005-11-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

Recently I found this classwork assignment in my 5th graders papers. I was touched by the simple things that children remember and reminded how important those little things are:

Best Day Ever

"Last summer I was the only one up and my mom and I were the only people there at my old peach house. My mom was sleeping. I was bored, so I went in my mom's white light room. "Mom," I said. I looked at the clock at it was 9:30 am. "Mom?" My mom turned around to get me and she pulled me in the bed with her. Me and my mom stayed in the bed all day. We talked and played all day. Zowie my dog and Gonzo my cat were there too. When it was lunch time we went out to eat with my sisters. I hope you liked hearing my best day ever."

And during my recent bout of "I'm a crappy mom" I was also touched by another incident from my oldest daughter. She is getting ready for a school dance this weekend. While shopping for her dress she decided to mentally plan her wedding. (She is 17 and things will likely change her choice of partners as well as her fantasy of getting married after graduation....if her mother's prayers are answered....but I did play along for her sake.) "Guess who i am having for a maid of honor for my wedding?" she asks the family during dinner. We went through the list of childhood friends and current friends. Suddenly middle child pipes in "MOM?" She wants ME to be her maid of honor. I sat baffled for a moment and jumped up and hugged her through my tears. If it had been another child I would have chalked it up to my recent bout of illness and someone trying to cheer me up. But this child is not natured that way. I realized of course later that I would be the mother of the bride and dont think maid-of-honor would be appropriate under those circumstances. But I cant say I wasnt touched, deepely touched and felt at that moment like I had been doing a few things right after all for her to feel that way.

I accidentally forgot to take my meds night before last. Yesterday during work I started feeling the withdrawls. This just cant be normal. Effexor works that quickly? Within a half a day I was wishing I were dead. By the time I made it home after work I headed straight for the bathroom and vomited buckets of acid and downed my meds. The dizziness put me out like a light. I awoke to my youngest child putting a blanket over me, caressing my hair and saying "I love you mommy and I will always take care of you."

Ironically, at 4 am this morning I found myself saying similar words to middle child as she became ill and crawled into my bed. This is what families do.....and I can say that caring, truly caring is one thing I have managed to teach them all.

Out of the Darkness

2005-11-15T15:10:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks were really hard. Depression hit me straight on like a freight train and I crashed as usual in the path of it's destruction. I'm better now, thankful that the darkness that usually simply creeps around me rushed through the process this time.

A week of abnormal thinking that I couldnt control. A week of arguing with my brain that the thoughts I was having were completely irrational and the tiredness I was feeling was just the funk. Of course the funk included a bout with the flu and some crappy hanger on'er cold that has a death grip on my system. Add to that my female problems and wullah!!! Down for the count. So weak I couldnt function, so tired I could have slept forever.

Part of this last funk was simply my need to beat the hell out of myself for my inability to handle everything. I'm sick, but my brain couldnt care less and continued to banter me about all of the things my body wouldnt allow me to accomplish. Finally Saturday, waking up ill for yet another day, I burst into tears at the thought that I was STILL not well. Listen body, I have shit to do. I'm sick and tired of the bitching going on at me in my head to get things cleaned up and get things re-organized. It's amazing how fast your house can turn into a shit hole when you are sick, single and have kids. Sunday I woke up and was thrilled that all of my symptoms were gone other than a nasty cough. I tore the place apart. It feels good to have things clean and normal again. No more hunting in the laundry baskets for clean underwear, no more sniffing socks to see if they will get you by just one more day. (Just kidding, didnt really do that one....but it was the feeling) Everything is in it's place......ahhhh.

Thank you to those of you who supported me through my pity party and self hatred. You Rock!!! Now, can you please tell me a simple way to get my picture on my damn profile!!! I swear I'm not retarded, "special", "challenged" , nor did I take the short bus to school...... but when I try to do this you sure cant tell!

Wednesday Rants

2005-11-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

I look forward to every weekend. I dont know why, since they arent really all they are cracked up to be. I mean, rarely does anything happen that is wonderful.....apparently left to my own doings and schedule, things turn to shit.

My daughters shoes were stolen from the skating rink. These suckers were expensive, they were important to her for that reason.....her first expensive piece of clothing. I dont know how parents can not notice that extra pair of shoes their kid happened to be wearing Saturday morning, but my children informed me that alot of parents dont care. Dont care if their kids are brazen thieves? My kids often tell me that I am utterly clueless, and in that regard I guess I am. I cant imagine being THAT parent. Anyway, it was her only pair of tennis shoes, so she left the skating rink in her socks......crying hysterically. I'm considering planting my ass at the rink and stealing them back if they reappear. Not likely to happen, but there is no other way for me to replace them.

I am thrilled to announce that the teenager has gotten a job!!! Finally, after about three months of unemployment, shes working again!!! She took a job at a fast food place, only out of fear of losing her car. She's incredibly prissy.....afraid or disgusted by dirty hands, dirty clothing, clothing stains....so taking a job where she might have to touch other peoples dirty trays was a little humourous to me. I'm just praying she sticks with it for awhile. Its difficult as a teen to even find a job, much less finding a job every few months.

The middle child was found to be writing a letter to the daughter of my former fiancee. You know, the one who I moved 2,000 miles to marry and ended up instead living in the gutters of Baltimore? Yea, that one. I'm not sure what to think about it. We only lived there for about 9 months. But I started thinking.....overthinking rather. Is it because Mr Live in and I arent married that she is less fascinated with our situation? I mean, if he and I were to marry, would that somehow form more of a security for her? Of course, these are questions I cant ask her. She would simply tell me whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Or if she feared hurting my feelings, she either wouldnt remember or would refuse to say. I guess I just didnt understand why after 3 years she would be writing to her. The kids did sort of eventually fall in love with each other.....after the parents fell out. Maybe it was just because kids want security...they want family. She did love that there were "family dinners" .... at the time I questioned why since they treated us like anything BUT family.

I've been questioning my parenting alot lately. Im thankful for the parents that I had, and I often feel guilty that my kids are forced to have less. I hate it, but I cant change it. I feel like a shitty mom because I dont like to cook, I dont like to clean. The house is either in total disarray or its really clean....rarely is there an in between. We eat whatever we throw together. Nothing like the meals a mom should cook. I do help with homework whenever possible and I do take time off rom work, vacation days, to attend at least one field trip with the kids every year. I guess lately I havent been feeling like much of a mom. I still want someone to cook MY meals and wash MY clothes. Not that that has happened in the last 20 years, but I still want it. Ive even fantasized about the maid\cook thing. Yes, I do need one!!! Can I afford one? Yea, sure. I'm also not providing them with a "together" family. I mean, there are otheres there that we call family.....but isnt it odd that mom wont commit to this???? Am I sending them a signal that he is only allowed partial family rights? I guess my brain has just been stuck on this "I suck as a parent" mantra. I dont want to find out years from now that IM the reason my kids need therapy.

Dad

2005-11-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Days like today make me miss my dad.....terribly.

Mr Live in came home last night. Didn't say much to me. I had bought a few birthday gifts, he found them on the bed, didnt say a word about them until I asked him. Didnt say much else of anything either. Since he bitches regularly, that was probably a good thing. it still felt awkward. No hello, no kiss my ass, nothing. We went to bed and of course he claims to be unable to sleep unless I am cuddling with him. Whatever, he manages all week long out of town. But this morning, as is his usual, he thrusts himself against me and is obviously feeling frisky. Thanks for the conversation, the caring attidue of last night, but NO THANKS. I have to say it did get me out of bed in a hurry. (But not before I farted on his leg....bruhahah) The audacity just kills me.

My daughters car had a flat yesterday. The brakes are squealing. Her dad is a truck driver, only home on weekends, and is a mechanical moron. Oh Im sure he could change a tire, but squeaky brakes would baffle him, I'm sure.

So I ask Mr Live in if he could take her car into the shop today and he went on a rampage about her doing it herself after school. She's 17, utterly clueless. Dickhead. If my dad were here, he would gladly take it in, or fix it himself. Nothing would have made him happier than to feel helpful in that way. AND he never complained about it. Not ever. Not when his dipshit daughter would lock her keys in her car for the umpeenth time, or lost her house keys. Whatever time it was, whatever the issue, he was always there to fix things.

I miss him.

Halloween

2005-11-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of living with Mr Live In lately is that he works out of town all week. So there are moments that there is no complaining, no nit-picking and alot less foul language.

Last year we had a Halloween BASH. He wasnt living with me at the time, so the party was a no-expense spared type of ordeal. The kids all invited friends over, rocked out in the garage, complete with decorations, food and a DJ.

This year youngest child wanted a repeat for herself. I managed racking up a few expenses, but started the decorating process a bit too soon. The new kitten tore down the decorations, and the dog gave his input by peeing on them. I wasnt up to repairing the damage and didnt. We did however, have a great turnout and a wonderful party.

It was the first time that the kids were able to go it alone trick-or-treating. This made it nice for me and my best friend. We got to sip hot chocolate in the warmth of the house and laugh at the antics of those running in and out of the house, shoveling candy and cookies in their mouths at breakneck speeds.

Her live in is about as charming as mine at times. He ditched her with his kid to go to the bar and so with all the happenings of late we had a great male bashing session. Her live in doesnt like me and my live in doesnt like her. Its all over silly things, I think mostly male jealousy. We dont let it interfere with our frienship. We've been friends twice as long as we have dated, so we force them into compliance at times so we can hang out. Our kids have grown up together as well, so you would think after so long they would just "get it" that they are stuck with the two of us broads, like it or not. Get over yourself, be an adult and put on your happy face.

Mr Live in will be pissed at the ATM charge for $40 for candy and hot chocolate. But, like I told him.......I will likely always be able to give him new material to bitch about. It would certainly beat continuing to threaten him with taping his rants and hitting play when he walks in the door. I could afford to do it. His birthday was Halloween and he could think of it as his and the family gift. Much less expensive than the big screen tv. Had he not been a total schmuck this past weekend and basically made me feel like I couldnt or didnt want to get of of bed on Sunday......I would have made him the apple crisp he loves, I would have slipped a birthday card and a gift into his luggage. I guess it all goes back to the "you get what you give" saying, and frankly after putting up with his shit all weekend, I had nothing to give. He was fortunate to get the "Hapy Birthday" that I gave him on the phone. Very fortunate.

Is this typical of males? Or do the adults of this species generally make an effort to get along with their mates friends?

Forever Single

2005-10-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that truly wants to be married again. There is a bigger part of me that knows damn well what a freakish fantasy that is once you are divorced and have children.

My weekend with Mr Live in continued in arguements. I swear the pettiness will be never ending. Im not sure if it is him, or if it is just the bliss of two retards trying to blend families. Some people pull it off without a problem....I obviously will not be one of the fortunate ones.

We arranged our visitations so that we had all of the children one weekend and a weekend alone the next. For the most part this doesnt get too far off track and we get a little adult time. At times, having my kids all week and all of them (there are 6) every other weekend makes me feel completley bonkers. I dont complain, this schedule is the best we could hack out.

Occasionally one of his sons doesnt come. He spends the weekend with Grandma or a friend...wherever, we dont refuse him the priviledge of having a life outside visitation. You would think that mine would deserve the very same consideration, but this weekend played out rather badly.....

Each of my children had plans. One had a birthday slumber party, and the other two Halloween parties. This caused a problem for Mr Live In. Just what were HIS children supposed to do? We dont live in the same neighborhood, the children do not have the same friends and never once have I insisted that one of my children accompany his to any function outside of our house. I was baffled at his stupidity, but not willing to make my kids stay home to entertain his.

We drop my daughter off at her birthday party. We are asked to stay for cake and happily oblige. The mom has been my best friend for over 10 years. He sulks, watching his watch and demanding that we leave at 4 so that we can take his children to the matinee. His son gets agitated at me, complaining he is bored. He is being fed fucking cake and is watching a child open gifts and I am getting the leg kick to go.

We take his children to the matinee. They cant sit still. They are 13 and 9, but it's "because they hardly ever get to go to the show" Fuck you, Ive taken them here with you, you idiot. They are up and down several times to the bathroom. (Something he would bitch at me for allowing mine to do) and eating our nachos (a pet peeve of his when I share with my daughter).

He insists on taking me electronics shopping. Again, he is on the trip that he is buying me a birthday present. I tell him that I am not 5, I dont care about birthday presents. He proceeds to tell me that it wasnt fair that all I got for my birthday is flowers. I assure him that it is fine, but he gets persistent. The more persistent be becomes, the more agitated I become. Why is it that you feel like buying me something expensive the day before YOUR birthday and months after my own??? Is this a bargaining ploy because it sure feels like one to me.

Blending families is hard. Its always lopsided......at least in my experience. Both parents feel their children are being cheated and mistreated. Parents become immature imbasils when this happens.

I'm frustrated with him right now to the point that I cannot begin to describe my emotions in this blog. I feel like I want to move as far away from him as possible. I want to run. To not speak to him again. To leave him in his own little world of pettiness and complaining.

I had to tell him that for the first time in a long time I am not apologetic for my actions. There are so many times I feel like I am over reacting, over emotional. He pushes me there, on purpose. Then he stands back and tells everyone that I am crazy when the fireworks start. I would get confused about what happened, it all being so petty and ridiculous. I lose details, cant remember things I did a few days ago. But I seem to be coming out of some of that. I am well aware now that he is worsening my illness at times, and that he too is suffering from a mood disorder.

Who but a freak would ask questions like this:

Why did you withdrawl $20 from the bank account.

Im not sure...that was days ago, but Im sure it was along the lines of cigarettes, etc. I dont go anywhere but work and home.

I understand that. But you went to the ATM at 5:15. Where did you go after that?

Hmm, that was four days ago. I cant really remember. We must have needed somthing from the store.

You went on Wednesday at 5:45. What was that for. You lied to me. You said the bathroom tiles came from child support, but that was the same day you bought the tiles. Did you go to the tile store after you went to the bank?

Err, I cant recall exactly. I was sure it was from child support, but if you have any doubts, I will gladly refund you the $14 for the tiles.

Thats not the point.

I'm not sure what the point is .....

The point is that you spend money and dont remember when or what on.

I wasnt aware that the exact time and date were necessary for your record keeping.

So, what else did you lie about?

At this point I have become a raging lunatic. I ask him how he would like it if I followed him around out of town all week with a microscope up his ass counting every dime he spends and demanding details, right down to the time of purchase.

Good God, this has to be an illness, normal people arent this sick.

Mr Live In Thinks Im Stupid

2005-10-28T13:46:00.000-06:00

For the past few weeks, Mr Live In has been in a perpetual state of PMS. I have tolerated it for the most part, everyone gets cranky or feels the need to let it all out and download. Fine with me but the downloading came to a screeching halt today when he came and had lunch with me.

We have lived together for about 6 months. When we combined households we do what most couples do and keep the best of whatever items we have duplicated. Since I had to start over 2 years ago for for everything from a hand towel to a sofa, my stuff was newer and it stayed. We tossed his ratty bath towels, his broken down couch and his little washer and dryer.....gone.

We both have computers and up until today at lunch, I assumed it would just stay that way.

All of the kids have computer games, all of them occasionally surf the internet and with that comes kids downloading things they shouldnt and installing games you would really rather they didnt just leave on there to bog down the necessary programs.

His compter looks better than mine, it is newer. Mine is faster but is looking kinda shoddy from moving it around. Still, it has no operating problems, its just kinda ugly. He is anal about the kids putting anything on his and every weekend he is home he scours the fucker looking for things that shouldnt be there. If he finds something, you hear about it repeatedly throughout the day and are reminded regularly thereafter. I hate it. I hate the "AH-HA" you were into my shit attitude. You are not a crime scene detective asshole, this is a family.

We tried to solve the problem by putting a password on the administrator account and having a kids account that didnt allow for downloading. That worked fairly well until one Saturday morning I had a child at my computer (password free) and his son wanted to play a game on his computer. Dad simply gave him the password and sent him on his way. I was slightly annoyed as I had strict instruciton not to tell anyone the password .... evidently that meant just dont tell MY children. So when he went out of town, I gave it up. Everyone knew it, everyone used it. There have been no downloading complaints in weeks, I was happier it was no longer an issue. That is until my daughter logged onto his computer, typed in the password and he blew up at me for telling her what it was. I assumed it was ok to tell, since he had told his son. Oops. Silly me. I believe in fairness across the board, no special exceptions. Everyone is equal.

So last week I tried to get on his computer to check my mail since someone was at mine playing a game. It had been locked. Nobody mentioned a new password. I knew what he had done. He figured if I was going to be loose lipped, he would lock me out as well. Fine with me. I didnt care.....until today at lunch.

Retarded boyfriend: "We have too much crap, maybe we should get rid of one of the computers."

Me: " Ok, well it would have to be your computer then."

RB: "I have given away enough of my stuff, it is time for you to give up something."

Me: "Fine, just not my computer. I need a computer for kids to do homework and since I have been locked out of yours, but likely wouldnt lock you out of mine, yours will have to go."

RB: "I dont want to get rid of mine."

Me: "You are the one complaining that there is two. Come to think of it, that's all you have done for at least two weeks is complain. I'm not going to have a computer in the house that I have to have your permission to use. Nor will I have one that you feel the need to search for hours to find things that shouldnt be there, only to listen to you bitch for days that someone has touched your shit. I am not into playing this little control freak game you have going on right now and Im am not going to particpate or agree to anything that will promote more of it. "

RB: "I found what I want for my birthday."

Me: "Tell me about it"

RB: " A flat screen tv for me and the house."

That freakish control thing he gets going every so often must be some kind of ego trip. He has always been big on nice birthday gifts for me, so in most cases I would not think twice about giving him whatever he wants. It did surprise me a little that he asked for an $800 present when he bought me flowers and a vase for my birthday. Not to mention the fact that he just bitched at me two nights ago for spending $14 on the bathroom!!! $14!! I re-tiled the floor myslef for $14 and he was mad!!! Of course, I didnt listen then either, I just hung up the phone and left it off the hook. Mature, yea, I know, but like I said before, I'm not into listening to regular rants and complaints. (If he needs to download, he should start blogging)

To try to appease this outlandish request by trying to include "the house" is ridiculous. We cant even share a computer without a fight.

He must think I'm stupid.

Lame Lawsuits

2005-10-27T13:39:00.000-06:00

A recovering drug addict in Canada is suing the dealer who allegedly sold her a near-fatal dose of crystal meth. She and her parents are seeking more than $50,000 , plus medical expenses on behalf of the Canadian health-care system.

She had been clean for eight months when she says he used the drug in front of her - causing her to relapse two days before she was scheduled to testify in a sexual assault case.

"I knew my dealer all my life. He was a predator and he manipulated me."

Kinda makes ya wonder why she wanted to keep hanging out, dont it? She even admits she's known the guy since kindergarten. Somewhere during those 15 years or so she might have gotten a clue about him.

He allegedly left her in the throes of an overdose in his home for eight hours without seeking medical assistance.

This isn't a cool thing to do. I'm just not sure that compassion and concern for the well being of others is a concern in the life of a dealer. She made that rather obvious when she called him a manipulative predator. Besides, can't he blame the guy who sold it to him and say he was simply too drug induced to give a shit about her condition? Where is the dealer who sold to the dealer? Should he not be accountable as well? Where does this end? Where does anyone take personal responsibility?

Sort of reminds me of the days when the smokers were suing the tobacco company and the fat people suing McDonalds. Give me a break.

The suit also names the dealers grandmother for allowing her grandson to sell from her home.

The 21-year-old was in a coma for 10 days, and was left with permanent physical ailments in her heart, kidneys and lungs. She came out of the coma with a heart that functions at half the level it used to.

Does this really surprise anyone??? Can she honestly say after being through DRUG REHAB that she was clueless that meth caused heart, liver and kidney problems? Did she miss the class where it was explained that drugs arent always clean and drug dealers aren't always nice?

"The hardest thing to adjust to was being 19 years old and full of energy when all this happened, then waking up on my 20th birthday and feeling like I was 60 years old. I get worn out very fast. In my mind, I think I can do things, but my heart shuts me down."

Kinda like being high. On meth you think you can do things. The concrete slab at the bottom of the building you just tried to fly off of may be what's stopping your heart rather than the overdose.

The suit is reportedly the first of its kind in Canada, though several drug users in the United States have won liability damages from drug dealers under similar circumstances.

Big surprise, eh?

But apparently for lesser offenses - read on:

During a night out at a local bar a woman took the "Stoplight Challenge." Like the colors of its traffic-signal namesake, the drink contained red, yellow and green alcoholic beverages. According to patrons, if the drinker remained standing and did not vomit within 30 minutes, he or she won a prize.

There should have been some indication that this was not a good plan. Part of the game is "IF YOU CAN STILL STAND" ..... clearly indicating that alot of people DON'T. I

The (5'7" 273-pound) 31-year-old woman did not feel so well after the drinking game, and passed out in the car on the way home. Her mother got her inside the house, but the next morning found her dead. An autopsy showed her blood alcohol was .39.

The bartender (and owner) who mixed the concoction was charged with involuntary manslaughter in her death.

Perhaps mom should be sued by the bartender for dragging her daughter's lifeless body into the house and not making her vomit. If you can force someone to drink you can surely force them to vomit, right? By not making her vomit and by not calling paramedics, mom allowed the daughter to die ..... thus passing the responsibility on to to the bartender. I would be pissed. I would sue her.

This crime occurred in Kansas. In Kansas it is a crime to hold drinking games in a bar.

It never occurred to me that I could sue the bartender for all the times I ralphed out the window or on the floormats and had to wash my car. Or for the time that I got arrested for a DUI! That cost me a ton of money. And to think all of those costs could have been recovered by suing the bartender. I wonder if the statute of limitations has expired on that....hmm.

The strangest part about this suit is that they actually listed the recipie for this "deadly concoction" with the news article. I wonder if I could mix it up for the ex.... then sue the news station for giving me the recipie. Shit, then his wife could probably sue me for making him drink it. Damn. I thought I had a get rich quick scheme going for a minute.

I would have listed the ingredients here for you to try at home, but you'd be much better off suing your bartender.

More Brain Flutter

2005-10-26T16:43:00.000-06:00

My 10 year old has a friend that recently shared with her that she is bi-sexual.

10 year olds arent sexual so what the hell does that mean?

Missing Blogger

2005-10-26T16:25:00.000-06:00

She's not on my blog list, but I do check in on her blog occasionally. Anyone know what happened to her blog???

100 Reasons why I hate my husband

She posted that she cheated on her ass head husband and then her blog vanished.

Brain Flutter

2005-10-26T14:15:00.000-06:00

This morning I spent in total frustration, scanning my brain for a topic for this blog and all the while thinking I'm having another dead head day. You know, the kind where you wake up foggy and stay that way all day. I hate those days. I would rather be dead.

I went to the pdoc and whined about my fatigue again. I bitched about my weight gain, but have actually lost 8 pounds since I saw him last, so I didnt get the much needed sympathy or the diet drugs I wanted. (I almost threatened to get the via the internet as I have in the past, but decided that wasnt a good conversation to have since switching meds) I was in to see him a month or so ago and he decided to put me on Effexor. I wasn't happy about changing meds, but I was in the middle of weaning myself off of Paxil so what the hell. I've got to be on something to get me out of bed in the morning.

Weaning off Paxil sucks but it was worth the hell. I miss my dreams, they were vivid as hell and quite entertaining. The trouble was they were so entertaining that I preferred them to getting out of bed. Weekends I could spend slumbering in bed all day, completely lost and content in the fantasy world and feeling way sorry for anyone who interrupts it. Mr Live in took it personal, not to mention the nasty sexual side effects.

On one pdoc visit I insisted that he come along. The worst part of being medicated is that if you are on the wrong shit and it feels good, you dont care. Thats Paxil for me. Life saving in the beginning, but I am hell on wheels after about 6 months on the drug. So at this appointment he proceeds to whine to the doctor about my lack of a sex drive.

Back up.

After a horrific relationship that landed my ass living in a motel room with 3 kids, no job and a dying father.......I sort of slipped into an emotional coma. My survival instincts were the only thing coming into play. I had to get medicated just to be able to keep moving forward. One minor slip backwards and we could have been living under a bridge.

I became rather agitated that his biggest concern was my lack of a sex drive. Is sex necessary for survival???? Hell no, particularly if you arent having orgasms anymore anyway. Sex is relatively useless without 'em. Its like getting your car engine all warmed up just to turn off the car. Pointless .... not to mention frustrating. I flatly told him his needs could be taken care of in the shower and for now mine would be taken care of with MEDS!

It never fails. As soon as I am completely convinced something is or is not a certain way.......reality bites me in my ass and I am proven wrong. The paxil did improve my anxiety. I could shop on occasion at a busy store and not leave in hysterical frustration that other people dared to shop there on the same day. Assholes. I guess the downsides eventually outweighed my need to shop. I had no sex drive. It was dead, gone, buried......I cringed at the thought of being touched. I went throught he motions for his sake, but was always thankful for the time that I had until I HAD to participate again. Odd since he and I had always had some weird connection that way. Couldnt get around each other for very long before being over come by some urgent need to sneak off and be alone. It was that bad....or good, I should say. I have never had that with another person, ever. Now that was gone. Part of me cared, but the other part was too afraid to migrate from a medicaiton that had been known to help.

He didnt complain about the medication, but did make suggestions that something needed to be added or changed. I was losing my grip. Two years on this stuff and suddenly I am extremely agitated......."blowing a nut" as he so eloquently puts it "over everything." What a charmer I must be to live with. I would run from me, leave me, or at a bare minimum smack me upside the head.

Coming off of it I could see a difference. For the first time in two years I had an orgasm. (INSERT LARGE CHEER HERE) and my sex drive is back in full swing. I am making up for lost time. I had forgotten or been numbed to what that was all about and three weeks off the meds and Im climbing the walls waiting for honey to come home. Grrr.......... They have also doubled my dose, so double the pleasure?

I also have lost the desire to reach into the phone at work and strangle the next caller. But who knows if thats from the recent orgasms or the meds. Wish honey would hurry home so we could find out.

Nobody really needs to know this , so Im not sure why I feel compelled to share. I guess it pales in comparison to the things I have run across blogging today, so what the hell. I start thinking IM ABNORMAL and while I wont post any links or references to the people or material I have seen elsewhere......if you think Im a freak, keep surfing.

7 Things

2005-10-25T13:35:00.000-06:00

Shannin tagged me, so here's the list. I am no longer a tagging virgin.....sniff

7 Things to Do Before I Die

Finish my degree

Visit Holland

Run in the city marathon

See my girls get married

Become a grandma

Get married again (if I know Im dying anyway, but not if Im not!)

Win the lotto

7 Things I Can Do

Dance (Two-Step, Waltz, Polka)

Decorate

Income Taxes (A bit more of an accomplishment before free tax software)

Ignore people that think I'm listening

Be sarcastic

Make up silly songs to sing to my pets (hey, the kids find it amusing)

Garden

7 Things I Can Not Do

Cook (I'm capable but hate it)

Clean the toilet (The thought alone makes me gag)

Brush my tongue without gagging

Bait my own hook

Tolerate obscene scents from the bathroom (another gagger)

Poopie Scoop

Stop Blogging

7 Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex

Big Arms (stuffed into a plain white t-shirt)

Wide Shoulders

Bald Heads

Confidence (not arrogance, I hate that)

Kindness and playfulness to animals and children

Handy Man Skills (tool belts are a turn on)

Protectiveness of family and relationships (Loyalty)

7 Things I Say Most Often

How nice

I love you

I don't remember

Let me guess...."Not Me" did it

Is it time to go home yet??? (at work)

Come cuddle (at home)

I don't feel like it

7 Celebrity Crushes

Vin Deisel (Especially in The Pacifier)

Steve (Jerry Springer show)

Matthew McConaughey

Tim McGraw

Val Kilmer

Mel Gibson

That's only 6, but that's all I got!

Todays Funny

2005-10-25T11:08:00.000-06:00

Full Moon Monday

2005-10-25T09:55:00.000-06:00

I'm not a fan of Mondays, who is? Sunday nights are sleepless. I develop some abnormal fascination with any program on television to keep me awake. My children have followed suit in this behavior making it necessary for mom to get out of bed at least 5 times to reign them back to their rooms. It's the same evening the dog has had too much to drink and has to be let out 3 times to pee. The same night the cat decides it must have love at 3 am and I wake up to a tongue bath and claws begging for attention. Let's not leave out that its the last evening that honey and I are spending together until the new weekend, so he cannot keep to his own side of the bed, smothering me and rubbing up against me. Yup, the guy is even horny in his sleep. I find that adorable and charming, but all of these things lead to a house of grumpy people every Monday night.

Last night was not alot different. Cranky child at the table, crying over having too much homework and not enough sleep. Overtired child cleaning, mowing lawns, washing windows, being very busy trying to score brownie points with mom to get ungrounded and to not fall asleep and miss what will no doubt be Monday's bad entertainment.

Last year I moved into an OLD neighborhood. The minute I started moving in furniture, here came the neighbors. I'm still not sure if it was to welcome us or to simply be snoopy. In all likelihood it was both. Regardless, the men who saw paint cans and power tools were over there in a flash to see exactly what was being remodeled and how. It was then that I met Bob. I didn't like Bob much, his personality was a bit too forceful. Something about him gave me the willies. Was it the short shorts that a man half his age shouldnt wear in public? Was it the long sleeved shirts that he wore WITH the short shorts that bothered me? Was it the white sun hat that topped off this ensemble that was just too much for me to handle? I dont know. His yard is immaculate and admirable, but I try not to look over there out of fear of catching a glimpse of this get up. It didnt help that the entire neighborhood held a garage sale and this old geezer decided to put Playboy magazines on display with the wife's old knicknacks and the grandkids toys.

So last night as I was taking out the garbage, Bob comes racing across the street. His arms are flailing in the air. I would have thought it to be some sort of dire emergency had he not had such a glowing expression on his face. The man looked ready to piss himself with excitement.

Bob: "Please come over and help me."
Me: "Are you ok is something wrong?"
Bob: "I am expecting an important email at 6 o'clock and I can't get my computer to work right. Something is wrong with the screen. Please come look at it, it's very important."

Cranky child has noticed the commotion and sees the neighbor grab my arm and lead me to his house. She's not liking this. She races home, turns off the stove and is back in a flash, forcing herself into Bob's house to find her mom. She stands protectively behind me as I try to assess what Bob's issues are. (His computer issues anyway.)

Ive done this before with my mother. Somehow that generation wants to be a part of the internet world, but they are totally clueless about simple things such as task bars and regularly click themselves into a computer freeze. Bob simply needed someone to show him how to expand his screen.

But Bob lied to me. He was not expecting an email. His wife was out of town and he was in a chat room. He didnt have computer issues, he had AOL chat room issues. He wanted me to show him how to "whisper" someone in a chat room. He was trying to speak to me in hypothetical questions, which annoyed me and insulted my intelligence, but I just wanted out of his computer room as quickly as possible. After I get it all up and running for him, screen ready to meet his on line lady, he turns to me and says "I sure hope you arent going to tell on me about my love life." Cringing inside I tell him I'm not the least bit interested in his love life. Cranky child is giving me the eye roll. Even at ten she can sense this man is not playing with a full deck and is acting like a slime ball. He's 69 years old, married for 40 some years, in a Christian chat room hooking up with a woman looking for a Godly man. Egads, could this get any worse?

Bob: "Give me your email address and I will send you something"
Me: "I dont really check my mail at home"
Bob: "Come on, it will be fun"
Me: "You live across the street. If you need help again, just knock on the door."
Bob: "Here's the pen, write it down for me"

Cranky Child: "Please stop flirting with my mom. You're married and we are burning dinner"

Reluctantly, I gave him my email address. Fortunately I am switching to a new provider next week.

Zoey

2005-10-20T16:15:00.000-06:00

One of the few reasons I hate being a dog owner

Money Saving 101

2005-10-20T14:57:00.000-06:00

I'm always up for money saving tips. I can't keep a dollar in my wallet without knowing there is something out there I forgot that I needed. Don't get me wrong, I can save......I have an account set up at work that I can't touch. Yup, I cant be able to get anywhere near it without tax penalties, early withdrawl fees, and a ton of paperwork being involved. For me, that's a secure investment.

I ran across this article I felt compelled to share on how to save money when you have none.

1. Stash a dollar in a jar every time you do the laundry.
(Aren't the truly poor looking for dollars to DO their laundry?)
(I'm usually the one looking for dollar bills IN my laundry...found two bucks just yesterday...woohoo)

2. Save all your $5 bills in a coffee can.
(I have been so broke that finding $5 in my coat pocket momentarily convinced me I'd won the lottery. A coffee can full of fives and I'd have to take eveyone out for drinks!!!)

Or save all your $20 bills in shoe box.
(Point 1: I dont know about YOU, but I dont have alot of twenties just lying around the house making me wonder what to do with them.)
(Point 2: I want to know who does this so I can break into their house, er, I mean come visit)

3. Cash in your spare change.
(Mr Live In does this and I think it's an adorable trait. He is so obsessed with collecting change that he will trade me change for bills......even when it rips him off!! Isn't that ADORABLE!!!! Just dont ever "borrow" any to wash your car....he does that head spinning, ear piercing yell that is NOT adorable.)

4. Salt away all those little rebates, refunds and reimbursement checks.
(Wait. If you are getting a rebate, you have SPENT money. The only way this strategy really works is if you steal other peoples rebate checks. Just ask the mailman.)

5. Take free money. Now some institutions are offering “spare change” savings plans. Bank of America will round up any purchase you make and deposit the extra change in a savings account for you. For a limited time, they’ll even match your spare change up to $250.
(That would be a nice bonus if the bastards would take me out of Chexsystems and let me have an account!!!!)

6. Even if you love to save, it can be hard to sock away that cash -- unless you let Mother Technology do it for you. Have an automatic transfer set up from checking to savings.
(Hmm, doesnt the REVERSE work here as well??? Mine would simply be flowing in the savings to checking direction)

Play little money games
(Find the Money, Stretch the Money, Honey's Money, Beat the Bank, Speed Charge)

7. Create bank errors in your favor. If you spend $2.16 on coffee, deduct $3 in the check register. Round down your paycheck. A $425 check would become $400 in the check register and the $25 is saved.
(I'm a number nerd. Being unable to balance the checkbook to the penny would make me (more) insane. Honey tried this strategy until I threated to kill him. Hiding money in your checkbook is like setting the alarm clock ahead......I'd just do the math and spend it anyway.)

8. Make a fair trade. Help a neighbor build a fence in exchange for some pocket money. Get together with friends and have a clothes or furniture/house item swap.
(I've seen their stuff and I don't want it. I'd rather keep my day job than build a fence, thanks)

9. Switch from paper to plastic. A surprising number of women are mega-advocates of relying on credit cards as a way of controlling spending. Some get cash back or miles; some just feel handling cash is too risky.
(Either way works for me. Whatever spends is not safe in my posession....period. The only reason credit cards work better is I cant find myself handing it freely to the kids)

10. Divide and conquer. Divide the total amount of your car insurance (or other irregular expense) by 12 and sock away that amount each month so you don't get caught short.
(The insurance company already does this for me to the tune of $500 per month. Sorry folks, but I wouldnt be EATING with that kind of savings plan....next)

11. Buy non-perishables in bulk.
(Ever notice how if you have the ginormous box of cereal everyone loses interest in eating it and you end up throwing it away?)

12. Share the savings. Buy toiletries and such at a warehouse store and divvy the spoils up with friends.
(I have a large family. There is no SHARING)

13. Buy generic instead of brand-name products.
(Been doing this for years. Maybe that's why I have beer money.)

14. Research before you buy. Bargains can be found for any item if you put a little time into finding discount Web sites, clearance centers, warehouse outlets and the like.
(I want it NOW damn it!)

15. Look at the Pottery Barn catalog, shop at Goodwill. You can turn into a masterpiece with a little paint and stain.
(Im a big fan of this one. My house is decorated with refurbished items that look fantastic...plus its a great hobby. The only caution is buying unnecessary items with a vision in mind. Kinda like going to a garage sale and bringing home a fence post. "But honey, it was only $3.")

16. Build it, grow it, make it, cook it yourself. In addition to sewing, making gifts and homemade cards, cooking at home, and baking everything from scratch (saves everything BUT time)

The Dating Scene

2005-10-20T11:00:00.000-06:00

I was never really into the dating scene. I have an endless list of why's for this choice. I do, however, have a profile on several of the dating sites. That was more out of a curiosity than a true desire to meet anyone. What is out there? What are people looking for? What am I looking for?

I receive profiles in my email of men that match what I'm supposedly looking for. I still view them on occasion. Not because I am looking for a trade in model, but because I get bored and am often still curious. I have not responded to any of the emails I have received, I've never been neither desperate nor had the money to actually pay the internet to find me a date. However, some of the male profiles are quite interesting or just plain humorous - Like this one:

This guy actually has the AUDACITY to not only be picky about what he is looking for, but posts "SORRY, NO FAT GIRLS!"

You would have to be suicidal to be a skinny chick wallering around the bedsheets with a fella this size. He also posts that he is carrying "A few extra pounds." Sorry bud, but you fall into the enormous category, buy a mirror.

I've never been attracted to fat guys. Although I have to say that a guy with an actual "few extra pounds" is better than the stick man who makes ME feel enormous. I'm in love with Vin Diesel, his bald shiny head, his arms, his thighs. He's like the icon of sexiness to me. (pardon me while I grab my tissue and wipe the drool) There's also the bald guy on Jerry Springer.....Steve. I'm not a big fan of the show, but I do watch it jsut to see if I can get a glimpse of him. If he were to host the show I would likely tape it and keep it forever in the box with my vibra.....never mind.

Anyway, what ever happened to truth in advertising. If this guy wanted to try to con someone into thinking a backstreet boy was "a few extra pounds" he should not have posted the above picture of some fat guy. Yuk to him, and good luck chubby.

The Collector

2005-10-19T09:20:00.000-06:00

I've always admired the collections of shit that people....well collect. My sister collects cats. She's easy to buy gifts for, because anything with a cat on it gets her all twitterpated and excited. My oldest collects candles, my mother collects anything we give her. I started a collection for her. Not that she asked for it, I just decided one year that she needed a collection. People need "stuff" and I decided she needed to collect Christmas houses. I spent hours painting, and gluing glitter on her collection. She better like it. Ok, she keeps it up year round in her bedroom, but thats what mom's do, so its really hard to say. Oh she also collects gaudy earrings. Yup, she wears em too. The only adult female I know that can pull of wearing light bulbs as Christmas earrings. She wears them well and it's cute. She's easy to buy for.

I don't collect anything. It's always made me feel out of place. (sniff) I have collections, but nothing that I have volunteered to collect. When my children were small my ex and I would take them to the dollar store to buy a Christmas presents. So I do have an entire hutch full of dollar store knicknacks. Nobody touches them, they are invaluable to me. So invaluable that the hutch they are in cost alot more than the entire collection. But nevertheless, not the same thing as my sister's cat crap. Oh sure, I ooed and aahhed about these things, but not because they are painted awkwardly or look unnatural, but because my toddlers hearts and souls went into choosing them just for me.

I also have to mention that my sister collects rabbits. No, not the porcelain ones that sit in a cabinet or on a shelf. The living breathing kind. Yea, she's eclectic all right, or more likely improperly medicated. Her house smells like rabbit shit. Ok, rabit shit has no odor, but rabbits do. That unmistakeable barnyard odor. Everyone knows rabbits breed like crazy, and she does have separate cages for these critters (lined up ever so neatly in her stinky living room) but that's almost a story by itself. The problem is her and her husband are potheads. Every weekend they host parties and get stoned or whacked on shrooms and decide to educate their guests on how rabbits.......ummm, procreate. From what I have heard it is rather humorous. The male rabbit hops on the females back, starts getting jiggy, and at the point or orgasm his entire body stiffens and he ejaculates and falls off the female...stiff and unable to move. (Kinda like the human version of the male rolling over and instantly falling asleep, eh?) This must be quite comical as they now have dozens of rabbits. The fact that some are inbred is apparently irrelevant to a pothead.

Back to the story.

I have never been easy to buy for. I collect (on my own) shoes. It's not exciting, some are simply dust collectors in the bottom of my closet. (Hey a collection breeding a collection, I do collect! er, pass the Paxil) but it's not something others can buy for me. I wouldnt want them to.

Over the past week or so I have realized that I do have a collection. I collect decorations. Yippee and wahoo, but sadly it's true. When Mr Live In gets home this weekend, he too will realize that his love has an addiciton that cannot be controlled. Thank God its only available a few times per year.

A new store opened up here for Halloween. Last night I decided I needed to check it out, afterall the kids do need costumes. I was in the Halloween store for two hours. I am not going to even mention here how much I plunked down to add to my collection.

Last year I decided to host a kids' Halloween party. Since I dont want these beasts running rampant in my house I decorated the garage and the yard and the outside of the house in several hundred dollars worth of lights and scary creatures. My oldest was the DJ and when you have an older sister participating, everything is cool. Her CD's are the bomb. Her presence makes the younger ones feel cool in front of their friends. For an entire evening my children loved each other. It was great. It required little involvement from mom, even better. My idea of entertainment would have been to hand them each a goodie bag for coming and send them home. But we danced to the strobe light and cool music and all was well. They had a great time and I was glad when it was over. No more parties....ever. Until this year.

This year it is the youngest child's turn. It's her party and I cant let her go to school and face her peers with some lame ass party, so we plunked down the credit card at the costume shop and mom had a blast. We stocked up on real looking bugs to freeze in the ice cubes for the punch. Bought a glow in the dark skeleton that is now hanging from a noose in the garage, an obvious suicide victim. There is gel blood on the windows, complete with a cemetary background for the entire garage and ghosts and goblins hanging from rafters. There will be black lighting to make the cobwebs and spiders glow. I had distinct images forming in my mind for all of these things while shopping and could not get my cart full enough of goodies. Ahh, my collection. I only bought two crates of stuff for last years party. I figure in about 5 years I should be able to charge admission for a haunted house. Not a bad investment, I just have to get Mr Live In in the groove of my business plan. So far, I am not having much luck. I was so excited (and obviously delusional) to call him last night and let him in on my latest venture. Im not sure why, but he was not impressed. All I received was some mumbling about my desecrating his sanctuary. So what if you cant open the garage door for a few weeks!! It's all for a higher good.

That's also when I realized that I am not a weirdo for NOT having a collection. He informed me that I was imbalanced (or something) for collecting holiday decorations. The moment he said it, a dark cloud was lifted from my shoulders and I was freed from the bondage of being a non-collector. He may have opened a can of worms unexpectedly. Now that I know what my collection is I must do what other collectors do and collect, right? I dont expect these things for birthdays or other special occasions. An impromptu dead witch might stir up some serious insecurities if given at the wrong moment. But I must go back for the close out sale. Of course, I cannot share with Mr Live In the fact that I maxed out my credit card in that store last night. Hopefully the closeout sale will beat the credit card bill and I will be able to expand on my collection before he realizes what I have done.

Everyone needs a hobby. This one may tempt him to hang ME from the garage rafters. I may have to get back to the store and buy the naughty slut costume before he gets home this weekend. Perhaps then he would be more forgiving. ; )

Weekend From Hell

2005-10-17T08:49:00.000-06:00

I'd say my weekend sucked but that would be some kind of massive understatement. So many things went to the shitter that I'm not even sure where to start.

For the past few weeks my house has been battling sickness. One of the joys of the public school system is that there is always something nasty your children unknowingly bring home. So far this month we've had several variations of the flu, strep throat and most recently some flu strain that causes projectile vomiting and the runs. Great eh? Yup, my house smells like sewage.

Friday I took my youngest to work with me. The boss was away, she was only semi-conscious and pretty much slept all day on the couch in the bosses office. Friday night she projectiled all over the white living room carpet. Not good since the only thing she had been willing to eat was some purple juice and barbeque ribs.

Saturday started of better. We had all of the kids, and my baby seemed to be feeling much better. They were outside playing when they all decided to ask for money for candy at the store. She was told she could have some money if she finished her chores. She decided to go play at the park instead.....or so I thought.

I am making my bed when I got a phone call. "Is this K's mom? This is officer....." my heart stopped. My baby, who is 10 has been detained by the police department for shoplifting. I was pissed off and shocked.

Mr Live In's children are unfortunately famous for shoplifting. It's a joke in their family and their family has labeled them. The oldest has stolen money from his mothers wallet on several occasions....even $100 bills. He has had alot of practice in this art since stealing gum as a small child and has simply never stopped. I've never had this problem. I'm not stupid enough to blame anyone, but it generally takes a small amount of coaxing or watching to get a sidekick for this joy ride. A large part of this episode is my fault for allowing her to go with them having this information. That was my stupidity, I totally overestimated my daughters ability to walk away from a bad situation.

I get to the store and I have a hysterical child. Obviously petrified beyond belief that there are two officers there and she is guilty of a crime. I can tell by the look on her face that she thinks I am there to rescue her. That didnt happen. She starts to make excuses, starts to tell on her co-horts but I am angry and am hearing none of that. I only wanted to hear what SHE had done. She had taken two kool-aid packets and put them in her pocket while standing in line waiting for the boy to pay. Meanwhile he had opened a few packets of candy, poured them into his pockets and was shuffling through other items on the shelf. The person at the counter asked them to come over to her at which point the child with experience emptied his pockets and my daughter froze.

My children cannot lie. They suck at it and they may as well not make the effort. A look of guilt comes over their face that is unmistakeable. The clerk saw this look and promptly turned her attention to my child. She emptied her pockets on the counter and the clerk called the police. My Live Ins son leaned over to my daughter and says "They are not here yet, lets make a run for it." "Noooo," she replies, "we will only get into more trouble." Perhaps too many episodes of cops, but apparently this is the moment that her judgement kicked back in. Whew.

I'm glad that the officer's scared her, I'm glad that they treated her badly, and I'm glad that they put the holy fear of God in her little ass. This scenarios is not likely to repeat itself. I made her go back into the store and apologize to the clerk and she is now forbidden to re-enter that store EVER. A bit extreme perhaps, but I can buy my stuff elsewhere, its no big deal. I was slightly annoyed by the officers comment to my hysterical child. "You sure dont look like you are wanting for much wearing Etneas for shoes." What kind of a moron says that to a child? If she WAS in fact needy I seriously doubt it would be Kool Aid on her list of things to steal. This wasnt about need, it was about opportunity and as far as Im concerned once I arrived on the scene it was my turn to handle it the way I choose. Legally they cannot do anything to her. And if they could I would be the one to pay the fine....so just back off now and let me take over. Of course I didnt say anything to the dick head or to her about his stupidity.....the lesson was the important thing.

I was however angry about more than one thing. I was angry that she stole, angry that his children stood by innocently and didnt get blamed for anything....even to the point of having the officer's DEFEND them, when I knew damn well they were also involved. The look of innocence on their faces disturbed me. It was con-ish, obviously there's a problem there. Later on, when questioned by my sweetie about how I was choosing to handle this situation I blew a gasket....letting the cat out of the bag about his kids' involvement. I guess Im still a little pissed, but thankful also that mine was busted and it will not become a habit for her.

Her biggest concern throughtout the whole ordeal is that I would no longer look at her the same, I would no longer trust her and that I would somehow love her differently. We talked in length about how impossible that would be for me.

That was not the end.

His boys were playing a computer game in my oldest daughters room. On her dresser was $200 she had to use to pay her cell phone bill. She went in to shower, returned and there was only $100 left. Her best friend, who is alos known for stealing money, was there. So at this point you have to wonder....Who the hell is responsible when we seem to be harboring so many thieves???????

I made them all sit down. To be fair we stripped searched all of them. We never found it. We suspect the friend, although she adamantly denied it. Saturday was awful. AWFUL.

Sunday was better. My youngest had a school project. Make a house out of any items that nature provides. (Squid if you are reading this, I am NOT open to suggestions) We spent hours putting together a house made of branches, built on stilts. It turned out amazing....and showed my daughter that nothing has changed between us.

Labeled Crazy

2005-10-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

I have a personal favorite blog. I have to check it, even though it could get me fired, its not necessarily updated every day, there is just something about it that provides me with a much needed stress relief laugh, even when the poor guy is trying to be serious. Squid Check him out.

So in my hiatus from blogging he asked me basically how a person knows they are crazy, knows they are in need of professional help. I'm gonna try to explain how I came to that realization. Everyone has a different story, everyone has their own experience, this is mine.

My life seemed relatively normal and I knew what I wanted. I had some very strange experiences as a child in my parents home and could not wait to escape the unbalanced unfairness that plauges this family to this day. I was on a mission, I wanted the hell out.

I got married and had a baby. Still things seemed normal. Nothing too unusual. My husband was 12 years older than me, yet I had more focus and had to be the one pushing the make money principal in our home. I pushed him into whatever direction would lead us to the most financial security in my 19 year old mind. I had a part time job as a bookkeeper, and was going to college full time to pursue a business degree. I took care of all of the finances, looking back I really had my shit together. I felt on top of the world, focused and on a mission.

During my junior year of college my sister needed a kidney transplant. I was the lucky one, the closest match. I was willing, went through all of the testing, but a panic button was struck in me when someone told me it may effect my ability to have more children. I wanted one more, it just wasnt time yet. I didnt want to have to deal with the possibility of a strain on my own organs and end up on dialysis for the sake of a child. So we decided to get pregnant and then proceed with the transplant after the baby. I didnt realize then the strain that that would put on my education. I juggled one, why not two.

After her birth I fell into a depression. I lost my focus. I didnt enroll back into school. i didnt have the energy it required to meet all of my responsibilites and since money was becoming a bigger factor since we needed a more spacious house, I pursued my job full time. For months I took her with me. There were daycare nightmare stories I could write a book about. The ensuing chaos created a deep depression. I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. After several months of seeing myself as less motivated, less focused, more emotional and my life seemingly slipping down the tubes, I saw a doctor. It was post partum depression. I was given an anti depressant. Within a week i was having urges to drive off the cliffs on my way to work. It became so clear to me that I chose a different route to work, afraid of myself, afraid of my urges. I stopped taking the medication. I struggled through the depression but never felt the same.

A few months later I found out I was pregnant again. I wasnt happy about it, I burst into tears. It seemed that with each birth I lost IQ points, I lost focus and energy and was becoming something else. I didnt like the change. After her birth I again went back to work, this time seriously struggling with two infants. I couldnt focus at work, I couldnt sleep. My ex was a selfish moron. I would walk the house in a zombie state, unable to so simple tasks, and struggling to take care of the childrens needs while he watched football and handed me all of the repsonsibility. We went to counseling. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep. Up all night with two babies, working full time, my body went into a total revolt. The doctor told him he had to help out, I was suffering from extreme exhaustion, the kind that makes you hallucinate. The one night I told him it was his turn to feed the baby he pulled her from her crib, slammed the cradle into the wall and shoved a bottle in her mouth, obviously quite preturbed he had been bothered. I took over and never asked him again.

My baby was around three months old. I got up one Saturday to wash clothes. Hubby comfortable in his lazy ass spot on the couch with football. I went into the laundry room and burst into tears. I couldnt remember how to sort clothes. I sat onthe floor crying for several minutes, unsure what to do and panicked that this should be automatic. I went up to try to explain to him my frustration. He patted me on the head and told me to go take a nap. I went upstairs, kissed my children and took an entire bottle of Excedrin PM. I then laid down for my nap.

Within 45 minutes my body went numb. It felt good to be relaxed but with that came the realization that I wasnt going to see the children I could hear playing in the next room again. They would find their mother dead. i couldnt do that. I went into the bathroom and tried to force myself to vomit. I then found the ex and told him what I had done. He called an ambulance. Lucky me a police officer that showed up was a guy I went to school with. Could this get any more humiliating?

After days in the hospital, I was put on an anti depressant and sent home. Within a few weeks I felt much better, and was feeling back on track. i had new ideas, many inspirations, I was a genius. I plugged away at work earning a promotion and a large raise. It seemed I was back in the game. I was so over confident that I needed more and more stimulus. I stopped going home after work and started hanging out in the bars. Dancinga all night, meeting new people. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing, even when I showed up at work once still drunk, wearing last nights clothes.

The trouble went on. A DUI, and legal problems that I wont get into on this blog. My life became a nightmare but in my mind nothing was wrong. I was diagnosed bi-polar. i was in a major manic state and wreaking havoc on my family, risking jail and was fairly oblivious to the entire thing. At the time of my diagnosis everything was so far out of whach that in my report the therapist suspected I may be exaggerating my symptoms. Funny, because i was actually downplaying them slightly out of fear they would lock me up!

I guess the bottom line and the short version would have been much easier. When you are unable to function, when others notice changes in you, when your life is falling apart without a rational explanation......there could likely be a chemical imbalance going on.

I havent ever been the same. Im still unable to focus to my potential, my creativity has its ups and downs. I do not function in the same way that other people do. I suffer from constant exhaustion, I dont enjoy things I used to and find myself going through the motions of what I know I should be doing on a daily basis.

Im on a new drug. It has slowed the mania and stopped the majority of the madness. Im more emotional, which Im not happy about, but I cant just keep numbing life's pain.

Its difficult being on drugs. You arent yourself, which in a sense is what you want, but you dont want to be so different that you dont recognize yourself. You just want the crazy symptoms gone. I want the old me back, but its been 10 years and I think shes dead. (smile)

Smoke, smoke, smoke

2005-09-30T14:21:00.000-06:00

Today I have this urge to smoke, smoke and smoke some more. It would somewhat interfere with this job if I hung out outside all day chain smoking, but there are days I dont do much here anyway. I couldnt anyway, sooner or later the chain smoking would lead to beer drinking, which would lead to more likely than not rude behavior towards my collegaues and customers. Nevermind. Damn.

It could be the change in meds. Went to the doctor monday and he wasnt helpful at all. Blood work came back completely normal, there simply is no medical answer for my extreme fatigue lately. I gotta say I was disappointed. I am a firm believer in quick fixes. Lose weight TODAY, feel decent TODAY. Not a patient bone in my body. So when he handed me Effexor I was skeptical at the benefits. Sure it may help with the occasional night sweats that chase my dog out of bed thinking therese a flood coming, and maybe it will help with the hot flashes....the ones that convince me on occasion that I have died, gone to hell, and am just not aware of my situation yet. You've seen the movie. Stupid, but how do we know thats not what happens.

So for now its Paxil and Effexor. Great plan. Give a bi-polar patient not one but TWO anti-depressants. Save me a room in the loonely bin, I will be arriving shortly.
Ok, I am supposed to be weaning off Paxil. That drug is supposedly not addicitive. Please tell my system that because every few days it says "Fuck you, give it to me now." At that point I happily oblige. Gonna be interesting to see how the next few weeks pan out. They say it takes that long to kick in, but I am pretty sure thats a lie. Second time I took it I fell asleep on the school field trip. Ok, just on the bus, but drooling in front of my daughters entire 5th grade class was so not cool of me. I heard her whisper to her friend "If I had know she would sleep, I would have left her home." Ugh, bad, bad, mom award.

I feel bad now. Think I will step outside for a cigarette.

Sweet Tooth

2005-09-29T09:50:00.000-06:00

I have a sweet tooth. Things like donuts and M&M's talk to me....no its not the medication, it has always been this way. I am drawn to chocolate by some magnetic field in the universe that always overpowers me and sucks me into temptation. What I would give to be one of those folks who complains that they cant GAIN weight. Shut the hell up because I just cant see how thats a big problem. I have no sympathy for you and dont want to hear it. I can gain five pounds drooling over a box of Krispy Kremes wihtout ever having to touch them.

Our entire office, minus one skinny guy is on a diet. We have all fallen prey to the M&M vending machine.

A few days ago someone had a birthday. As is customary, said dude received a chocolate cake from his wife. I had flash backs to last years cake, layer after layer of chocolate fudge and it was so good (and HUGE) that the sucker was here for a week and there wasnt a single day during that time that I did not go home with a stomach ache, swearing not to eat another piece the next day, only to give in and repeat the process. Stupid, yes, but Im just that way about chocolate. I was fortunate this year and able to resist the calls because she screwed up and destroyed the cake by putting coconut on it. Coconut should not be added to food, it should only be used as tanning lotion. I won that round.

Round two the next day. Boss brings in donuts. I am checking them out, only looking, fantasizing about how the long ones with creamy butterscotch frosting would taste. I resist, Im on a diet. I dont even open the box, the smell of them alone would drive me into a donut eating frenzy. Usually when this happens, the boss takes the leftovers home so 8 hours is the total length of my ability to not cave. Do I need to mention that the skinny person just happens to BE the boss???

So this morning I walk into the break room and here sits the chocolate cake, the box of donuts. usually in the first day, someone gets ahold of the good donuts and chows them before I have the chance. Not this time. There sits damn donut staring at me. Still I am strong and I resist.

I mention to others that it would be nice if they would eliminate this problem by eating what has been generously offered to them. Nobody is interested. Of course not! If I actaully wanted to eat the damn things we would be tripping over each other to get to the box. They are now two days old. Like that has any bearing. Like a donut has a shelf life. I can still lick off the frosting, lick the chocolate from the cake like I do at home and ruin it for everyone else. And I should.

Skinny boss brings the donuts out of the break room, opens the box and sets it on the counter in front of my desk. Laughter ensues from those I have asked for assistance, particularly when my eyes get huge and my stomach growls the second I get a whiff of the frosting. Dont try to tell me my body has any desire for me to resist.

I snatched up said box and took it promptly back to the break room. Men, they just have no idea how close I came to just shoving my face into the box and licking all the donuts. And I should have.....then they could all be upset about me ruining the donuts they would now want to eat instead of my stomach sitting here all pissed off and growling because I told it no. I have 7 more hours today to fight my belly and I hope to win this one. I keep telling it I have already eaten one. Yea, thats some dumb diet thing i did to myself when I had an eating disorder back in high school. It works, if you want to have an arguement with your brain half the day.

Thank God this diet allows for cheese sticks with Ranch or I would be dead. They actually laugh at me at the clinic because I eat pizza so many times per week. Of course I do now, Im only allowed 2 damn pieces of plain pizza. I have to have it at least 3 times a week to make up for the loss. They make me drink juice (blech) and eat fake chocolate bars. They are nasty tasting, kind of like baking chocolate, but again ya have to tell your brain its yummy and its a snickers. My brain aint buying that one, my tastebuds arent either, but when you are on a no junk food diet, even baking chocolate starts to taste good.

Hands

2005-09-22T13:22:00.000-06:00

Why girls have two hands.

Why boys have two hands....

fatty

2005-09-20T14:44:00.001-06:00

This diet isnt so bad. The idea of being on a diet pisses me off and I have a tendency to then crave anything chocolate because I am by nature rebellious. I cant even tell me what to do without a big hassle.

So Im 6 pounds down and quite happy with my success in a week. I can live with that and I dont want anyone telling me it's water, it's this or that.....it's fat damn it and its gone. I know what it REALLY is, but in order for me to stay on this I have to lie to me ALOT. These bars are yummy. these shakes curb my appetite....salad is my favorite food, diet dressing really tops it off. Yeah, I have to make up all kinds of fantasies and so far it's working. I have no desire to break into the candy machine across the room from my desk. None at all.

I suck at this and I know it. I told the diet guru that as long as they dont cut me off pizza or cheese sticks I would be successful. She told me one beer a day and only three times per week and I decided that from now on I would refer to them as baked potato. They they count as a starch so I will gladly skip whatever is on that list and replace it with my favorite beverage. She also told me that wine is a fruit. And here all this time for my two daily snacks I have been having pineapple juice. Silly me.

Two years ago people were bitching at me for being too damn skinny and now Im PAYING someone to tell me Im not. Screw you to all of you who brought me cookies and pasta telling me I needed to eat. I started and evidently couldnt stop. Cant see my ribs NOW can you? Are you satisfied that I have to wear the same clothes all the time because I refuse to buy bigger sizes?? You could have been a decent human being and said something other than "You are filling out nicely" when I ripped the ass out of my favorite jeans. Did I forget to tell you then that I didnt WANT to fill out?

I freak out about my weight even when it gets a little out of wha. I could post family pictures here and you could see for yourself why. There's granny.......on both sides mind you.....a whole shopping 4' tall AND round. There are just alot of fatties weighing down the branches of the family tree and I dont wanna be included in that!

Diet

2005-09-15T12:42:00.000-06:00

I started a diet Monday, a gift for my birthday. LA weight loss, we will see how it goes. I'm a little worried that the stuff they want me to eat is actually a buttload more food than I normally eat, but they are stuck to their promise that I will lose what I want to lose or they will have to continue to service me.

So far I am down three pounds, ok I know its water and it doesnt really excite me to lose weight until double digits have been reached and my clothing stops stretching to its max.

I see the star magazines, how skinny those chicks are and it amuses me that the only thing they will say about it is either "I lost my baby fat" ( I think that was Lindsay Lohan) or I stopped eating french fries (Hillary Duff). Well how nice and what crap. I cut out regular soda over a year ago hoping it would make some impact and nothing. I have been drinking diet soda and gaining weight like a pregnant heffer. Im learning to tolerate it, but there's just nothing like a soda with a bunch of sugar and carbonation to make me drool.

I did see the doctor at my boss' insistence. Part of our conversation when I was busted for blogging was "Is there something wrong?" She had noticed changes over the summer, no doubt due to my medications, I knew it I just wasnt sure how to handle it. I was also frustrated. Everytime I schedule a day to do something, even a vacation day it seems its inconvenient for someone at work. So I kept putting it off. She told me to make the appointment and we would just work around it at work. Whew. Im having some weird hormonal thing or something going on as well, I guess I will wait for the bloodwork to come back before I get worried about it. I don't really care, I just want to stop feeling so damn tired. My kids are complaining "You are ALWAYS tired." And thats just not the mom I want to be. There are so many things I want to do, my mind stays busy creating projects and my body totally objects to anything but the couch and I hate it. Im not a huge tv fan, I might get a few hours in a week if Im lucky. It drives me nuts to have all this mental ambition and feel so worn out all the time.

Thus the diet. There seems to be a viscious cycle Im finding myself in. Gain a few pounds, get more sluggish, gain a few more because of the sluggishness and get more sluggish and lazy. Ive never been overweight and this is just not my cup of tea. Im hoping for off the weight, off the couch. Im not sure its that simple. Ive gained 16 pounds since December at my last doctor visit, and he wants to get to the bottom of it. Yippee, someone who finds my new body as ghastly strange as I do.

Busted

2005-09-14T13:06:00.000-06:00

I was on hiatus due to being blog busted at work. Business has been slow so naturally internet usage has been on the rise!!!!

When I was called into the office last Wednesday and informed that they were aware of my blogging activities I panicked. To think of my boss and co-workers reading my thoughts, anxieties and piss fits here was just more than I could stand. I didnt want to blog, I certainly didn't want to look back on my posts and see what they could have read about me. Ugh, the vibrator story, peeing in the woods....not general office conversation. Ive never even told them I have a live in. My personal life is just that PERSONAL. My co-workers are great and so is my boss, but I have always been protective of my personal life and have often wished others were the same. Like the office gals who compare sex lives, techniques.....please leave that at home.

Anyway, Im back, a little less freaked out and paranoid and with a lot of catching up to do with others!!

Wedding Weekend

2005-09-06T20:52:00.000-06:00

My weekend sucked. Four days off and all four sucked. I took Friday off to go to my b\f's brothers wedding and thats where suck started. I dont see taking a vacation day to do something so painful again.

It started Thursday night. B\f kept harassing me to get to bed because if I didnt, it would be hard for me to get up Friday morning. Never mind the fact that I have three kids to kick out the door and they are never late. Apparently when he is around, I lose the ability to manage my time.

Friday morning the kids are off and the next harassment phase begins. Hurry here, hurry there, and Im ok with all of it until our last trip back home to get the luggage. The phone rings and its my brother. The evening before things got ugly between my 17 year old and her b\f and it turned somewhat physical. My family was up in arms, everyone was upset and he was calling me to give his brotherly advice. No time for that, my b\f J was on a kick that we HAD to go NOW. He waits impatiently like a two year old, tapping the foot, following me around. The only thing missing was him throwing himself on the floor and screaming.

We go out to pick up his kids and his ex wife has errands for us to run. Ok they are kid errands, but errands that she is responsible for. So we go to the school, fill out paperwork, get the class assignments.....basically things she could have drug her lazy, always pregnant, stay-at-home ass over to the school to do herself. There is no complaining about running late anymore. Then we take them to lunch....another thing she could have handled. Again no complaints....except from me. The kids are 12, 10 and 8 and have no clue how to behave in public. Dad leaves for the restroom and all hell ensues. Racing from chair to chair, sneaking up behind me and pulling my hair, anything to keep from sitting and waiting for the food. Dad comes out, sees the mahem and pops them and they sit to eat.

In the FOUR HOUR car ride we listen to "he's staring at me!", "his seat is too far back", "hes' hitting me", until we finally pull over and dad pops em again. I am glad we have arrived. His mother is supposed to be helping watch the kids while J gets fitted for a tux. Im in his sisters house and as soon as he leaves the mahem begins again. Wrestling, picking, arguing....I finally get sick of it and pin the oldest to the floor, only to be attacked by the brother. I take the girl in to get her ready to go and one of the boys breaks the bathroom door in because he cant stand to be locked out and simply must pick. I get fed up and lock both boys in the heat outside. Again, a broken door. I take them for a walk to burn some ambition and secretly hope they get heat stroke. Nothing. They play kick the full pop bottle down the street, spit the left over pop at the little sister. THe only time I intervened was when one of the boys got in the girls face with his fist and attempted to slug her. He got popped in the side of the head. We get back to the house and I ask to have any available alcohol in the house. One beer. Ugh.

We get to the rehearsal dinner and all is well for awhile. I wont get into the personal stuff between J & I because I could write a book on that story, and this one is long enough. J's step dad gets after one of the kids for being disrespectful to me. Finally someone who doesnt find humor in their behavior. We get home and I am informed that I need to go to bed so I can be rested for tomorrow. The kids are asleep and I want to revel in the quiet. The harassment to go to bed is too much so I cave. The morning is worse. When I awake Im always tired for awhile, so I sat on the couch having coffee. The house (J & his mother) have informed me that we need to shower together to conserve water and energy. Im really not comfortable with that idea since there is a house full of people, we are not married, and J gets wood when I change my shirt in front of him. There's no water conservation when you are doing the hokey pokey in the shower. I decline politely. Others insists. I decline very loudly. I am looked at like I have four heads, but stand my ground and J pouts off to the shower.

I spend the afternoons listening to his family complain about EVERYTHING. Negative, complaining, bitching and whining and it drives me nuts. I start to feel more and more manic, the manic where you are feeling more homicidal than anything. They argue about everything from the name of the town to the order in which the bride wanted her pictures. Mind you it was not on their dime, but complain they must, and constantly.

At the wedding we are finally seated outside. Of course I am next to the two boys and within minutes my homicidal urges return. They start throwing rocks into the air. One hits the lady in front of us. Now mind you, I am talking to them quietly trying to get some control. Finally I give in and get Grampa, he threatens their lives and once again, for five minutes they behave. I complain to J afterwards and he dismisses it as boredom. NO SHIT. There are 15 other kids at this wedding sitting still, behaving, I dont want to hear about boredom. Nothing happens.

At the reception things didnt get any better. We ate and when the dancing started his kids disappeared. It was at a ritzy restaurant in the airport. I was secretly hoping they could hop a flight overseas. Of course J kept close tabs on ME. Couldnt smoke, use the bathroom.....nothing without him in full pursuit. Couldnt even get a beer without permission since he had the check card and I was being my public self and refusing to make a scene. We were there about three hours, me not once out of his sight, but when we got ready to leave we had to send out the posse to find his kids. Apparently I need a sitter and they dont.

The next morning I was so happy to be going home I was first in the shower. And locked the door so I could shower alone. Im sick of everyone at this point and quite cranky. Dont even look at me, much less say something smart. Just dont bother me at all.

While we are watching the bride and groom open gifts I get a phone call. A high school friend of mine is going to be in town and we will be home just in time to see her. I havent seen her in six years and we used to take vacations together. I am jacked to say the least. J is pissy. "How nice for me after all the people around this weekend." He's not ruining this hype for me.,,,but of course the kids can. They fire off pop guns in the car, fight with each other, whine that they are hungry, have to pee. We get to the restaurant and a son wants to sit by me. He rattles the shakers, plays with the silverware, grabs something else every time I take something away from him. He starts to kick my chair and I lose it. "Touch my chair again, agitate me again and I WILL backhand you." I am looked at as the evil monster and am ok with that as long as they all shut the hell up. I fall asleep on the ride home hoping to avoid the trip. I miss part of it but have to wake up and tell them to shut the hell up and stop bickering.

We take them home finally and the ex goes into a tizzy. The homework isnt done and the clothes arent clean. Nevermind that we arent HOME to do such things and the free time they had was all with me and thats not my fucking job. She pisses me off anyway. We ask her to pack nice clothes for them for the wedding so she goes to walmart, buys too big of jeans without belts for the boys, and red shirts with stupid sayings on them. Wedding attire. No doubt shes stupid AND a social retard. Do I even need to mention that this stupid woman wiht #6 on the way at 29 years old doesnt believe in spanking? Didnt think so, that was kind of a given.

Im finally free, exhausted but free. I am jacked about seeing my friend. She comes over and we head to dinner. Its a nice restaurant, the same place she wants to go everytime she comes back here. After dinner I ask J to get to the ATM so we can pay for ours and he loudly states "I cant take out what isnt in there!" I have no desire to make a scene so we leave and stiff my friend. She pays for dinner and my emotions were teetering on insanity. She's at my house for just a bit before she has to head out again and we have alot of fun just talking. They leave and everything I have been holding in all weekend starts seeping out. My frustration level is registering on the Richter scale and I start sobbing uncontrollably. Innocently J asks me what is wrong. Nothing I continue to insist because I know once the eruption starts a fight will ensue. Finally I blow at his insistence. $300 for a miserable weekend with his family, but $50 for dinner with an old friend was out of the question. I would have done it myself but my cash card expired two days before so I had no control. Mind you our money goes into his account, but I make just as much as he does. I should have some say, right? He rants about how all I care about is money. I rant that you dont just fucking stiff people at dinner, much less your best bud you havent seen in 6 years.

I left Monday and took my kids to moms. All I could do was cry. I didnt speak to him much and slept with my daughter so he would leave me alone. I couldnt even stand the sound of his voice.

He left this morning and called me. Have I been into the savings account? He was confused about the odd amount......or was he just trying to tell me once again that what is important to me doesnt matter. There was no excuse for his stiffing them. Not with $600 in savings. Fucker.

Im left not wanting to talk to him or see him. Im disgusted that I support all of his family and friend plans, but everytime its not about HIM or HIS its discounted and bitched about....or simply not done.

He's been calling for the past hour as I sit here and bitch about him. Tough shit, he can rot in his motel room and wish he wasnt alone tonight. I have written him a letter. I have given him a stipulation for attending any friend dinners....he will give me $50 before anyone arrives to secure his payment for food. He doesnt pay, hes no longer invited. This is his second offense at stiffing the bill or attempting to and I wont play again. Im also opening a separate account simply for his stupidity and to cover my pride.

I would excuse his behavior as being that of his raising since his family has the very same issues, but that would be like excusing shitty behavior from his kids and I cant get over that, much less his acting like them. If raising is the reason his ass should be taking me out to nice dinners, buying me whatever I want and spoiling my ass because that is my background. Money was never an issue. There has to be some compromise and Im just not seeing it so for now he can simply kiss my ass until I get over it. The cound of his voice would likely still annoy me and Ive been annoyed enough.

Vigilante Stupidity

2005-09-06T16:23:00.000-06:00

BELLINGHAM, Wash. - A man turned himself in to authorities in the killing of two convicted child rapists, saying he picked the victims from a sheriff’s Web site, police said.

Michael Anthony Mullen, 36, called 911 on Monday to claim responsibility for the killings, and officers who talked to him said he gave information that only the killer would know, according to a police news release. He was jailed for investigation of two counts of first-degree murder.

Hank Eisses, 49, and Victor Vasquez, 68, were found shot to death at their apartment Aug. 27. They were both classified as Level III sex offenders, considered the type most likely to reoffend. Sex offenders in Washington are required to register with local authorities, and the information is provided on the Web.

Mullen told authorities he targeted at least one of the two men after checking the county sheriff’s Web site July 13, according to the police statement.

The bodies of Eisses and Vasquez were found by a roommate, also a sex offender. He said a man wearing a blue jumpsuit and a cap that said FBI on it came to their home, told them he was an FBI agent and said one of them was on a “hit list” on an Internet site, police said.

The roommate said he left while the “FBI” visitor was still there and found the bodies when he returned about four hours later.

Days after the killings, The Bellingham Herald received an unsigned letter claiming responsibility for the killings. Police notified convicted Level 3 sex offenders in the area as a precaution, but said the letter was vague and could be a hoax.

That last sentence should be a hoax. Why would you warn the sex offenders. I can see the murderer's point. I mean he only went after the ones they let out regardless of the fact that there was no hope for them and their chances of reoffending were great. In this state the bastards were breaking the law by being in the same house together. Pop em, no big loss.

The sad part of this story, and I do mean the ONLY part that makes me feel bad is that they may stop publishing the addresses of these freaks and I wont know where they are. That puts the rest of us in jeopardy. The guy coulda popped em and shut his damn mouth. So much for a great idea in the hands of an idiot.

Todays Rag

2005-08-31T09:26:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I went shopping and got the necessary things for mom's computer and fixed it. I ranted about it (on my blog only of course), but knew I would end up doing it. I didnt die, I was just slightly irritated. While there I had to get my meds. When I got to the pharmacy I was not a happy camper. My doctor had not approved a refill and it sent me into a panic. I had already gone one day without them and usually on day two I start having nasty withdrawls. They aren't just slightly nasty, I get tingling sensations in my fingers and hands and sweat like a nasty pig. The worst though is moving my head. My vision behaves like a bad film, the camera moving too quickly to focus in on anything and the dizziness that creates is indescribable. I take Benadryl to stop some of the sensations but that makes my hair feel like bugs are crawling in it and I scratch. Ok, enough.....you get the point, it sucks.

So as she tells me this, I demand to know WHO spoke to my doctor. Of course nobody knows and she politely (with a red face) escorts me to the pharmacist. LOOK AT THE LABEL! It says DO NOT STOP TAKING SUDDENLY! Tears well up in my eyes as I tell him I am going to be very sick tomorrow. He offers to help....I can give you ONE to get you by, but not TWELVE! Whatever, just let me get by and I will bitch out the doctor later. I have been on this shit long enough to not need a doctors call every month. For shits sake its not even a controlled substance, its Paxil! My panic attack lasted about 10 minutes. I started to tell my mother about the withdrawl symptoms when she interrupted me and said "Well, lets go look at the computer stuff now." Grrr, small wonder I don't get excited about this kind of stuff. I quietly walked through the store isles with her fighting back tears (the effects of the panic attack on me).

And on other notes:

My daughter is quite proud that hurricane Katrina bears her name. Of course being ten she doesnt realize the effect it is having on others lives and when you see it on the news it still seems far away and there isnt alot of reality to it. It destroyed my cousins home. Katrina informed me that had I told her my cousin lived there she would have spared that town. Being ten must be fun. I play along because I am all for imagination and would like to prolong life's realities for them as long as possible.

My oldest turns 17 today. Happy Birthday!! I love you! Please hurry and move out!! ...just kidding. For her birthday I painted her room and gave it back to her. She had lost it months before being a teenage jerk. She also got concert tickets, makeup accessories, and various other things. Yesterday she wanted to know when her PARTY was. Egads, I am sick of birthday parties, apparently I am now the birthday scrooge. Being 17 and totally self absorbed must suck.

The daycare provider from my earlier blog was found guilty of manslaughter. Fine, convicted by a jury of your peers, great. I don't think it was in any way necessary to blast the verdit and her emotional response moment-by-moment on television. It was a good 15 minutes of this woman learning of her future. Bullshit. I think if you want to see the trial, the verdit, go sit your ass in the courtroom and stop interrupting my programs to watch such horriffic things. This is not Law and Order. I love that show, but its a show. I have no desire to watch someones life being unfolded in front of a camera moment-to-moment. I felt pity for the woman. I think the only thing she was truly guilty of was being stupid.

2005-08-30T16:16:00.000-06:00

I love my mother, but damnit she needs a life. I would buy her one, travel a trillion miles to get her one....anyone have any ideas?

My whole life she has been a busy body. A physically busy body. Up at the butt crack of dawn to wash her sheets and hang them on the line, vacuum, mop floors, and do God only knows what else. I have no idea because I was right where everyone should be at that hour IN BED.

She worked while we were growing up, having whatever job required the unwilling human being to be up at 3 am. I remember watchin movies with my dad and suddenly hearing her alarm clock go off and thinking "shit, better get to bed, she's gonna throw a fit." Her wake up time was my bed time.....unless of course I was in school.

A few years ago my dad passed away. She now has this average sized house with over averaged sized lawn and massive garage to maintain.

The thing about her was that she knew how to keep other people busy. Not that she fared well with us kids, we learned how to disappear and play deaf as we got older, so the leftover chores fell on my dad.

My mother had the to-do list from hell. She still does. She always has 14 projects, or ideas of things she would like to start on, but no longer is there anyone to smack upside the head and say "gidder-done baby."

She would have my dad vacuuming, cleaning the cars, the garage, mowing....I now know why he spent so much time outside.

The trouble with it now is that she retired when he died leaving the work to ......US. Not us as in family us, but us meaning myself, Mr Live In and my brother in law. WHY? My brother is sick....yup, drug addict sick. My sister is sick....yup, drug addict and kidney sick.

She watches her grass grow. About every two days the phones starts to ring...."whos gonna mow my grass." In the days between its "Whos gonna fix my well"

I should make her a deal. I will be your little slave girl and I will quit my job and stay home like the rest of you freaks in the family.

Im pissy right now because 1) I do not want to go over and fix her computer today and 2) I need a cigarette.

I dont want to go computer shopping, I dont want to shop for shit that isnt for me! Sorry, but I barely cover my own health and hygine...window shopping aint my bag. I want to go home after a grueling 9 hours of blogging, er, I mean work and just chill. Go call one of those freaks I have to refer to as siblings over. They sleep all day, eat all day, smoke pot all day. I have my own shit to do!

Why is it they are entitled to the same lifestyle I have (provided to them by my mother) but I am the only one who ever has to worry about what time it is or what day it is. Or if taking a sick day will mean Im short for groceries this week whilke the gvernment has one overflown and you stock the other.

Get them off their dead lazy asses and let them earn their right to their lifestyle like I have to. If it aint a real job the least they can do is cut the grass.

When my ex left so did everyone else. Nobody came over to see if we had food, if we needed anything. If my house was trashed in the pits of my depression wehre I couldnt get out of bed for days on end, she would nastily tell me to call her when I got my house cleaned and she would stop by for coffee.

Im angry about this....maybe Ill just shut up as usual and go smoke a cigarette. Its time for me to get off work and haul my ass around for someone else.

The Lords Prayer

2005-08-30T11:44:00.000-06:00

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name . .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control,
of everything down here like you have up there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called! ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . . . pause . . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right . . . all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Bi-Polar Post

2005-08-29T13:40:00.000-06:00

I try not to focus on this illness, particularly when it doesnt have its nasty grip around my life messing it up.

For the past 6 months or so I have been intensely manic. Not flying off buildings manic, not strip down to nothing in a bar manic, not even rob a bank manic. But irritable, self-medicating the majority of the time with a slight dose of paranoia and homebody-ness. My manic self soon became obvious to family members and I tried desperately to help them understand what is going on with me in an effort to 1) keep them off my back 2) justify my current lack of normalcy.

I have been feeling the mood shift again for about 2 weeks. Gone are the strange and compulsive desires to drink myself to sleep. Gone is the urge to lock myself in my house and not come out until the demons have passed. Gone is my inability to not be fully focused on my family and not this fucking illness.

I have been lying and telling everyone the reason I dont want to see a doctor is because I have been tracking my moods and want something concrete to hand the doctor. The truth is that WAS the truth, it started out that way, but this illness doesnt allow me to faithfully do much of anything at all, much less track moods.

I lied for two reasons. One Paxil keeps me from the depths of hell and depression and alleviates alot of my social anxiety. 2) the doctor may suggest a mood stabilizer at which point I would have to tell him to get bent....thereby giving my family the distinct impression that I am not willing to do drug therapy. Im not all that willing.During church on Sunday my mom asked my sisters psychiatrist about MY medication. At lunch today she informed me that Paxil was not a treatment for bi-polar. No shit, I knew that. But no matter how much she has tried to convince me that I should take another drug, I havent been real open to any suggestions.

Maybe Im wrong, chances are pretty good that i am since i am rather stubborn about what drugs I will and will not take. Im also a total bitch when it comes to using me as a guinea pig for various drugs. I have a life. I miss alot of it at times due to this shit, I will not let you drug me out of the rest of it.

Dumb and Dumber

2005-08-29T11:20:00.000-06:00

Most of the friends that my kids have call me mom. They hang out at my house, I cook for them, sometimes even wash their clothes. I've taken them to sporting events, camping, church, you name it. I understand that this term in no way reflects on their own mother. It's just a nice way for them to say thanks for caring about me.

My ex on the other hand isnt real dad like. He takes kids on weekends, but it's not to do anything with them, its more or less to pop their butts in front of a television so he wont be bothered as his sports are on tv.

It wasnt always this way, just after he got married again. Suddenly trips to the park and other niceties were no longer necessary. The old hag he's married likely cant sit outside for long without risk of heart failure or stroke. Either way, very little effort is made to entertain or bond with the kids.

My 17 year old was a little offended this last weekend when her step-mother of one year asked her to start calling her mom.

The conversation started with my ex whining about how all of her friends call me mom, but nobody refers to him as dad. Nevermind that her friends dont really want to be around him much (he HITS on them) and nevermind that his new wife doesnt want her friends around because he pays too much (creepy and awkward) attention to them. I would be a bit creeped out too, but not by the child by him! A 50 some year old woman playing "Im jealous of your friends" with a teenager is just beyond my comprehension.

If you dont make a child feel at home, how can you expect them to refer to you in a loving term? And if the child DID feel that way, why wouldnt they come to the adult and say "Would you mind if I called you mom?"

Never once have I approached a child and said somthing so stupid. Never once would I ask Mr Live In's kids to call me mom, although one refers to me as his second mom.

The ex has a nice way of irritating me. He will do something stupid (like the time he and new wife decided to take my girls and give them hair cuts) that will really send me over the edge. Im learning not to react to it...at least not for now.

I'm sure I will get in a testy mood about something and get an overwhelming urge to ttell him how stupid they both are. He and I have had this discussion several times, so perhaps it is her trying to drive the wedge, I dont know. I know if I call him and inform him that I have decided that Mr Live in will now be referred to as dad he will get the point.

It could simply be her retaliating because my daughter said to her "My grandma says my dad is still in love with my mom." She was really upset with that comment. Of course the ex denied it but when I asked him about the conversation and asked him point blank if it was true he simply said "No comment." I told him he couldnt possibly hurt my feelings and to know that he no longer loved me wouldnt bother me in the least. Again he said "No comment" He refused to say either way. not that I care, it was just an odd statement that left me wondering what the hell could be going on in his head. Any ideas? Oh, he also mentioned he and I going dancing together when his wife wasnt around. Nice guy eh?

Bye-Bye Birdie

2005-08-26T15:32:00.000-06:00

I have been having mommy-itis. I love my kids and I have two cuddler\snugglers left. The only thing missing is the smell of a baby. I don't want to keep one, I have just been having the urge to coddle one. ALOT

I have been substituting this urge with other creatures. Last week my youngest daughter brought home an injured wild bird. This is the second one this year. The first time it was after a rainstorm that wiped out the mommies nest and left the babies scattered on the ground left for dead. She found the baby, sogging wet and appearing half dead and brought it home. I didnt think it would survive, but after two days of our loving care it flew violently around the living room, wanting to return to the outdoors. We set it free.

This second bird was different. It would show signs of being able to fly, but mostly just crash into a piece of furniture and stumble off. I was convinced that should we set in free it would end up prey to some other animal. For three days I carried it around, fed it, cupped it in my hands as it slept. I became attached. i was amused that I could reach into its cage and grab it, but if anyone else dared to invade his space he would slap the living crap right out of them. (Ever seen a defensive bird slap? Its quite humorous) When Mr Live In came home he was horrified to discover that I was operating a "wild life refuge" as I had also taken in a new hamster. He was convinced the bird would fly home. Since I had not seen this ability (apparently the bird would only fly when I was not looking) I agreed to take it outside to prove to this idiot that we had bonded, loved each other and were now an inspearable team. As I walked around the yard, talking to my new shoulder mate, Mr Live In was pleading with me to put my new friend in the trees. No way, I didnt want the poor thing to think I would abandon him. About ten minutes later I decided I had proven my point and turned to take my new pet into the house. Suddenly, and without warning, he flew from my shoulder onto the neighbors house. I stood in shock and silence for a few moments and hollered to Mr Live In - "Get the ladder!" I wanted him back!! I called to him and he snubbed me, and flew off to his new life. That's the thanks I get....I hope the neighbor dog has him for lunch. (No, not really...... well maybe)

I sulked as I walked back into the house. Mr L-I was in tow, noticing my heartbreak and agitation at his stupid plan. "I will get you a cockatiel for your birthday, ok?"

There is nothing worse than a birthday pet. As a teenager my mother bought me a pomeranian for my birthday. Some present, the damn dog hated me. Bit me whenever I got close to her, sat protectively on my dad's lap and refused to let me anywhere near him. She would hide behind the couch and wait for me to walk by and jump out barking and nipping at my feet. I figured if she already hated me I may as well tease her. So I would make motions with my hands that drew her nuts and she would dance in circles trying to bite me. I could tell she wanted me dead....and I found some odd sick humor in that. Particularly when she got older. We had her teeth cleaned and they ALL fell out. HAHAHA, biting mutt.....go ahead and gum me bitch!

Anyway, I dont want a birthday pet. Im not going to tell you what I DID want, but lets just say an animal that hates my guts isnt it.

I think it was all part of me feeling mommy for my best friend. Not really, but hey, its awfully coincidental that I get mommy urges and she finds out shes pregnant! Not that I want to trade places with her. I would rather be that birdie being chowed down by the neighbor dog than to go through the horrors we call pregnancy again.

Maybe Mr L-I will buy me a farm for my birthday. He has about two weeks to come up with a plan to make this up to me.

Good News?

2005-08-26T10:21:00.000-06:00

And on a much happier note today.....

I was emailing with my best friend yesterday. She was concerned about a late period. Neither of us suspected a thing since she has been known to have odd female problems. I told her jokingly that I would love it if she had a baby. I would love to play with a baby, then send it home. I don't want one for keeps, I'm finished with that phase of my life and happily so.

Our kids have grown up together. They are the best of friends, more like siblings really than friends. Her three boys have fought playground fights for my three girls for years. In turn, my girls have played matchmaker for the boys. It's all very cool. There's not a birthday celebration or holiday that they dont expect to be hanging out together. The youngest of this gang is her ten year old. The oldest is my 17 year old. She commented that more children in her future would be grand children.

So when I got the call at 9:30 last night she was shaken, almost crying, very scared and damn near hyperventilating. After she calmed and stopped repeating "It's pink! It's pink" I screamed with joy....."YOU'RE PREGNANT?" Her next mantra was "What am I going to do?" "Hon, I think that means you are going to have a baby!"

This is a shock. She's 38, a single mom with 4 kids, just moving this week in with her b\f of 5 years. I have to say better her than me. I cannot fathom going back to diapers, formula and daycare. No, no, no. I can't blame her for being scared.

But I have to mark this date on my blog and say Congratualtions to Ronda and Ken!!! And baby will make 8!

Prayer Request

2005-08-25T14:53:00.000-06:00

I got this email today and would like to share it so that all can pray...thank you!

Urgent prayer request!!

Please pray for my son John's mother-in-law and their enitre family, my wonderful daughter-in-law, Kristine, her sisters Monica and Shannon and their families.
Kristine's mom, Virginia Phillips, had an MRI yesterday morning and the medical prognosis is only a couple months. She was checked in March! nothing!! Yesterday they diagnosed a brain tumor they say is in-operable.
She was having trouble concentrating because she was so tired.
She does not remember that she should eat; has lost a lot of weight.
Kristine has been spending the night with her. They will need full time care soon.
THE KIDS STARTED SCHOOL YESTERDAY! Kristine will not be able to teach this year.
Much of the responsibility will fall to John & Kristine. She is very close to her mom!
Virginia is very blasé! She is refusing chemo etc. She wants the kids to make all other decisions. She is very tired. She just wants to sleep! Please pray for this precious lady.
How swiftly our lives can change!!
Thanks for your prayers,
Kaye

I've been through this ordeal with my dad. It's painful to see your loved one suffer, please pray.

Brady Bunch We Arent

2005-08-25T14:28:00.000-06:00

School has started and I am one happy camper. I love routines, at least in the beginning. No more bored children to try to pacify and no more children wanting to stay up all night and have friends over and drive me crazy because I just want to sleep. Ahh, a peaceful house.

The one ritual I missed for myself during summer break was lunch with my mom. Ya just cant beat a home cooked lunch .... free. Along with this ritual comes the family gossip.

Last Friday I was feeling sociable. This feeling hasnt been around for months, in fact I have almost been paralyzed to my home, refusing any sort of social outing or friends over at all. I was more excited that I wanted to do something than I was at the prospect of actually doing anything. So I started making calls. I thought it would be fun to go karaoke with my brother and sister and their other half's.

I called my sister. She was being vague on the phone, no direct answer and I asked her to just point blank tell me what was going on. They were waiting for "something." Your drug dealer? I asked. Yes, he was supposed to be delivering mushrooms. WTF? She had been wanting to try them for some time and finally was about to get her hands planted on some and wasnt leaving the house until she did. Wow, I was a bit surprised and worried. She has health problems too numerous to mention, but some being dialysis, a weak heart, and taking several anti psychotic drugs. I still cannot imagine what stupidity drew her to think that was a great idea. She's paranoid as it is and apparently wants to add to that.

So I called big brother. He was interested in going and asked if I had talked to my sister (she's the one who sings when we go, the rest of us just drink, dance and yakkk) I told him of her plans, half knowing the info would get back to mom. It was all me though. Silly sister had gone over to big mouth brothers house to try to get them from him. I wonder if she thought he wouldnt tell on her. Sheesh. He revels in someone elses bad behavior.

So today during lunch she told me that she had confronted my sister about her stupidity. Mind you, my mother pays her and her husbands bills while the two of them smoke pounds of pot and now are getting into more things. She has always done the same thing for my brother.

It's ridiculous really when you think about it but thats the way my family operates. Not to mention that one person will immediately get on the horn with mom to share in what another is doing. Itry to stay out of it, or when Im feeling passive aggressive I tell the biggest loud mouth in the family to get the job done. If I really wanted to talk to someone about something it sure as hell wouldnt be any of them.

Sometimes it's nice to have the spotlight off of me. Im not the only one in the family with problems but I often feel singled out because my drug of choice, when I opt to medicate myself, is beer and not pot or hallucinogenics. When things are calm in the family I am the focus because I "live in sin" and should marry. It's always me and what Ive done or havent done. Im the only one with a job, supporting 3 kids, the only one who doesnt require my moms assistant to go to the doctor or take a shit.

I cant say Im not worried about her. She's a 26-year old with the mind of a 15 year old most of the time. Just didnt quite ever mature even after she got married. Which is exactly why I know that telling her drugs are bad for her is futile. I can only pray that nothing bad happens and that she gets her head out of her ass before something terrible happens.

Benadryl Babies

2005-08-23T22:00:00.000-06:00

For God's sake...just admit what the forensic evidence screams against you and get it overwith.

One of the beautiful and comforting things about living here is the lack of crime. If you do happen to catch a story about murder or robbery....it is followed through from beginning to end including pre-trial, trial and sentencing.

Recently a daycare provider was charged with murder. Shocking and disturbing to this community would be an understatement. She had the "ingenious" idea to drug all of her children at lunch time to ensure that each and every child was zonked within the hour. Children at the daycare as young as four claimed that it was a lunchtime ritual to have "black liquid" served with their daily meals. This ritual included bottle fed chilren. All of them given a daily lunch time dose of Benadryl.

To think of this woman shopping at Costco, where she admittedly purchased cases of this drug on a monthly basis makes me wonder sooooo many things. First off, what kind of moron would administer anoyone a daily dose of anything that was not doctor prescribed, much less in doses it was not recommended to give, ages it was not recommended to give to and DAILY?

i was a daycare provider for two years. The first year it was completely rewarding. Art projects, rocking babies, reading stories, seeing the light in a child's eyes that had learned something for the very first time.

I had children that came from crappy homes, and the babies in particular robbed my heart. Babies coming with horriffic diaper rashes from mothers that obviously hadnt changed the diapers from the night before, still in their jammies, soaked with urine, formula crusted in their hair from the night before. Upon mom's leaving they would promptly take a warm bath....never once to their dislike. Older children that had to be taught that McDonalds fries were not a basic food group. It was my job to teach them, but most of all to love them, rock them, hold them, play with them.

I knew when I started resenting getting up early, being agitated that parents werent arriving on time that it was time to quit. For a few months I thought it was just a mood thing, I can be a lazy butt, but this was different. It was a home daycare and I started feeling put out that people were arriving at all hours, particularly morning hours and seemingly leaving their kids with me until they were done having a life for the day. I was burnt out.

I quit and went back to the office scene. I sometimes wonder if I have made the right choice. I know being home all day only talking to two year olds was not healthy for my sanity. But when I hear stories of sitters shaking babies, drugging them to sleep and beating on them in general it makes me wish I could have saved them. My heart goes out to the innocents. I love babies. Not that I want one for my own! To me they are like cute puppies. They are a pain at times, but they are so damn adorable you let them get away with it anyway. They dont let you sleep, they tear up the house and generally create chaos. And then they grow up and well....to put it nicely, arent necessarily so cute anymore.

I'm frustrated with the legal system. Ive been seeing people who admit to horriffic crimes of murder and get life in prison. Why the hell should taxpayers have to foot the bill for these sickos. They admit it, evidence proves it.....take em out back and put em out. Don't give them a chance to write a tell all book, get more publicity, revel in their sick fame.

This woman will be convicted. There are diapers from other children that tested positive for the same drug and testimony from a four-year-old that states they were given a black liquid every day at lunch time to help them sleep.

I'm not sure this particular case pleads the death penalty, in fact I would say this was a complete act of ignorance and stupidity. But parents were complaining that their children seemed more drowsy than usual, what the hell did this woman THINK when she was watching zombied, drugged out kids. I just hope there is no lawsuit from this mornon to the drug company for not letting her know as she was purchasing case after case of this stuff that is was lethal. That would be an injustice.

Imbalanced Normal

2005-08-23T10:31:00.000-06:00

I recently read a commnet on a blog about how offensive, crass or otherwise ignorant "normals" can sometimes be to those of us who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. I wondered at that time what a "normal" would be. Anyone looking at me would not know what my diagnosis is or that I have even sought mental health. Only those close to me know and my family can attest to the fact that I am more responsible than most "normals," and the parts of my life that seemingly crumble are parts that the public in general would never know about. I successfully hold down a full time job, raise 3 girls by myself, mow my lawn, clean my house.....all the things "normals do." (smile)

Today I ran this article and while it still left me wondering if I know anyone "normal" it was a decent read.

I also ran across an article about depression. Is it a chemical imbalance as we have been told. Or is that simply another way of softening the blow for those of us suffering from disorders.

Mean and Nasty Bloggers

2005-08-22T11:36:00.000-06:00

Im tired today. Cranky? Possibly. I would probably feel better if I were hooked up to a IV of espresso, but here I sit in the office trapped without my drugs. Cranky will likely win me over today.

So in my crankiness I'm gonna bitch. If you want to hear it fine, read about it and leave a comment....if not, get off my blog.

Maybe it's just my mood today that brings this issue to my attention, but its there regardless and here you are to hear about it. I love to read blogs, I love to comment on others and I love to have visitors. Recently someone wrote that my blog was something of a "cut-and-paste" nature. Apparently, they havent read much of it, but whatever. So I visit their blog wondering what intelligent being has written such detrimental things and hurt my feelings. (insert whine here)

As I read the blog, which has alot of visitors, fans, whatever.....I wonder. How is making fun of someone, putting personal information on the web about other peoples lives more intelligent than cut and paste? The negativity, the nastiness portrayed by several blogs on a regular basis is the thing that keeps people coming back apparently. I dont get it. Even if it is meant as a joke it makes no sense. And certainly isnt ranking of anything I would consider intelligent.

Adventures in Dodging Bullets

2005-08-22T10:35:00.000-06:00

I live in a beautiful place. I didn't always know that. Born and raised in Montana people always told me what a wonderful, beautiful, special place Montana is but I never truly saw it. We camped and fished growing up, never traveling to very many places that didnt look similar.

At a rather idiotic period in my life I moved. Before the move I clearly remember people telling me that I was crazy. Life here is plain and simple.....and boring I thought. What an adventure to move beyond what is simple and care free!

In my genius state I moved to Baltimore. What a drastic lifestyle change. Millions of people crammed onto a little dot on the map. What was I thinking?

It didnt take me long to realize that adventure is none of the following:

Being late every day for work, regardless of when you leave home, because there is some sort of traffic jam or a terrible accident that the locals so lovingly refer to as a "car-b-que".

Walking the beach holding hands with someone you love during a sunset is neither romantic nor adventurous when you have to share the moment with the other half million people that had the same idea on the same day you did.

Adventure is not being warned by your neighbor to go outside in groups to stay safe.

Adventure is not hearing gun-fire in your apartment complex at 3 am and being told by neighbors the next day that it was "just a drive by."

Adventure is not encountering in your stairwell a bug large enough to saddle up and ride to work!

Adventure is not having a flat tire on the interstate and watching cars pass you by for hours without anyone offering assistance.

Adventure is not being educated by your crack addicted neighbor about every item under the sun that she needs to "borrow $10" for.

Adventure is not having to tell your kids to make sure all 6 deadbolts on the door are locked and to stay inside until you get home from work.

Living here is a true adventure. Children are safe to ride their bikes to and from school. They can play safely outside out of your earshot. My neighbors won't come in and steal me blind if I forget to lock my door. Instead, they come lock the door and shut if if we forget to on our way out. The kids are safe to roam the toy isle in the store. They no longer have to be attached to my hip. They are safe to be kids and to live carefree.....and that's an adventure.

Scientific Study

2005-08-19T13:05:00.000-06:00

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

When Cloning Goes bad....

2005-08-19T10:12:00.000-06:00

Some of these images....
....are very, very disturbing.
So of course,
....I had to share!

Miss Prissy Pants

2005-08-18T09:49:00.000-06:00

I didn't earn myself a tough camping name like some others did. They weren't all that great anyway......Charlie Farting Horse being the least charming of them all, I don't feel left out.

It's been a long time since I have been camping in the real sense of the word. I can't say that I miss most of it. The hiking, maybe. Exploring, yea. Using an outhouse....NO. Going days without a shower.....NO. I've been single for five years. Not once has it occured to me in that time to haul my girls into the woods to rough it with them. I have taken them camping at KOA campgrounds. Prissy? Maybe, but I was more concerned with safety (ok, ok....and bathroom facilities, but whatever). I learned to appreciate all the ademnities of camping and swimming and even if it isnt roughing it, it's close enough to real camping for me. I don't have to pack the bear spray or a loaded weapon. And I don't have to shit in the woods, wipe with leaves or pee on my shoes.

I went to my boyfriend's family reunion at a campsite literally in the middle of no man's land. I investigated the abandoned cabins and was more than happy to sit next to a campfire and converse and joke with others. I hated the bugs. I hate anything that buzzes by sounding like a small helicopter, or anything that wants to feed on my blood or crawl across me on it's way to somewhere else. But I dealt with it, without squealing much.

I was admittedly upset at the porta-potty. He and I had discussed on our way there the facilities. He assured me that his family would not spend an entire week without showers or bathrooms. I was comforted by that, but he lied. There were shower facilities, but they must have decided to save money and build outhouses instead of flushing toilets. By the way.... when you purchase a porta-potty......how do you decide WHO is responsible for the maintenance? It would not be me. It would be completely disposable and be left in the woods. Maybe bears could learn to use it. No more raw asses from wiping on trees....I could even leave them some wipe.

The boys were more than happy to warn me about the rats in the outhouses as well as offer me the required gas mask to go in there. I passed and I don't regret it. I could live a long time without sharing bathroom horror stories. Particularly the one running through my mind at the time: Woman frightened to death by rats in outhouse, dies with her pants down.

Everyone thought I was such a weenie. I'm ok with that. Earning myself Miss Prissy Pants is not as bad as Charlie Fartin Horse from the No-Wipe Tribe.

Someday I will show them how to camp. Showers, swimming......roughing it Prissy Pants style.

Freebies

2005-08-17T14:15:00.000-06:00

I hate junk mail. Usually I just delete it without reading it and laugh at the $10,000 a month job offers and free this or that. I'm not that gullible, nothing is ever free and you won't get paid that much to stuff envelopes, make toys or earn money while you sleep. (Unless you are Bill Gates or somethin')

Today I saw the FREE SHOE add. Being a shoe collector of sorts I couldnt resist the urge to click on the button. $100 free gift certificate from Payless. Wahooo!! With school starting (IF I decided to share my loot with the children) every little bit counts.

So I click and I click. Click some more. One more click. Fill in personal information. Five more clicks. Fill in more information. Ten more clicks. By this time I am getting slightly agitated that I have gotten suckered into this. These bastards just want me to give up so they don't have to give me my prize. Fuck them. It's now a personal vendetta. I will click all day if I have to to get those shoes. Click, click. Geeze, another survey and 15 minutes more of this shit. Now I'm pissed. I want my shoes!!!! click, click

Ah man, now they want me to fill out credit applications??? If I had alot of money, a decent credit score, would I really be trying so desperately for your stupid $100 promise of free shoes??? So I trick them, I skip over the surveys and continue my clicking. They seem oblivious ......so I keep going.

Several more clicks later I am waiting for a big download. This page is taking AGES to download. This must be it!!! I have won! I made it to the finish line........let's go get some shoes!!!!!!

THE PAGE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED???? WHAT? Of course it can, we just have to click back and try again. NOTHING! I repeat this process several times until I realize I have been tricked by the very asswipes I am always avoiding.

Even though I know that by unsubscribing it will only generate more crap, I HAVE to email these schmucks. They could have gotten me fired for shits sake. 30 minutes out of the work day to fill out a fake survey. Bastards.

They want to know WHY I am unsubscribing......... are you kidding?

TRICKERY..........YOU SUCK.

I had to get it off my chest. I had to tell them. I had to unsubscribe to the shit they send me. I hate them!

Now that I have calmed down from this grave disappointment, I know that I was actually tricked multiple times. I was clicked into clicking on the free shoe sign, clicked into giving my email address, clicked into opting out which means ultimately my email address is now on their "she's a bitch" list and they will give it away to everyone on the planet and I will get more free shoe offers, more work at home and earn a million dollars a day offers, more offers to enlarge my penis (wtf???)........DAMN IT ANYWAY!

Everyone is a sucker at some point. Nobody gets to be mad at me for this stupidity because I only hurt myself.

Unlike this scenario:

Sweetie and I sign up to win a car at the mall. Months passed and we forgot all about it. Finally, we get a phone call! WE HAVE WON A PRIZE! Who doesn't love free stuff!!! Hell yes, schedule an appointment and get over here with my freebies!!!!

As soon as he got out of his car and started up my driveway I knew. I asked him point blank if he sold vacuum cleaners and.... I wasn't all that nice about it. I hate them. I will not give my right arm or firstborn to have a machine that you claim cleans things out of my air that I cant see. How the hell do I know that? I know it hums, I know it requires more than I want to spend for a filter for the damn thing. NO! Get out! Leave my prize and get out!

I glance over to my sweetie and am frozen in utter amazement as he reaches for the paperwork for our new $2,800 VACUUM CLEANER. schmuck.

Ride to Poverty

2005-08-16T08:46:00.000-06:00

Last night I dug deep in my pockets and took the kids and their friends to the state fair. This morning I am very tired, broke and left wondering a few things about people.

1)Do fat people need bigger mirrors? Do they have any idea what they have on display? Why would you paint on a pair of jeans, borrow a shirt from someone half your size, add a flashy belt to this ensemble and walk around with the leftovers hanging out? Cover it up! Nobody wants to see the rolls hanging over your jeans, squishing out of your jeans, or peeking out of any other clothing item. What self respecting person can look in the mirror, admire their layers of spare tires and still leave the house to enter public thinking "Damn, I look good." I remember being a teenager and wondering the same thing about the 300 pound women in tube tobs and spandex. We all assumed spandex was all they could squeeze into and we dealt with it. Nothing has changed I guess except the styles.....and the large growing number of growing people. Not to mention the public display of ass cracks, that used to be reserved only for plumbers.

2) Where do they find turkeys with 3 pound legs?? People wander around with gigantic everything on a stick, but I think the most shocking, not to mention nasty looking was the enormous turkey leg on a stick. Save that size of a meal for a holiday and you just might fit into those pants you wedged yourself into. Nobody needs an $8, pound of spun sugar........let's not pretend all the kids are sharing because they are on the rides while your fat ass is standing there with the loot.

3) How do fat women get gorgeous men? What the hell is up with that. Get your skinny geek, you are ruining the stereotype.

4) Where are the parents? Girls who only another female can tell are under 13. .....wash that shit off your face, get some less slutty clothing and look your age. I even saw a boy who was about 10 who had double piercings in his bottom lip. That one really made me want to meet the parents.

5) How can public restrooms be so absoultely disgusting? Women are nasty. Period. I spent an hour seeking out the least putrid restroom to use. You know, the one without mystery liquid on the foor, without wet toilet paper strewn around where it might get stuck to my shoe, without feminine hygiene products lying around the foor or the toilet paper holders, without toilets that werent flushed or the seats peeed all over. I know people dont have restrooms like that at home, wtf? Why would you muddle through the remains of an overflown toilet to wash your hands? Dont touch anything and get the hell outta there is my motto. Dont give me a dirty look for not washing my hands when you are standing in pee.

6) 8 ounces of soda for $4?

7) Can't you at least give me the brief impression that I am getting something for free? $7 gate admission? You can rob me of the rest of my paycheck after I'm in the gate.

I'm sure I could list a dozen more, but I didnt get home until after 1 and the coffee has a lot of catching up to do.

How can you NOT know the goods have fallen out?

Good Me \ Bad Me

2005-08-15T15:27:00.000-06:00

Inside me there are two beings. Good Me: who is loveable, funny (I think), sarcastic humor, impulsive, wanting to see the world and all it has to offer, wanting close friendhships, wanting to be kind to others and give them everything I can. There is also Bad Me: negative, rude, condescending, disengaged, self centered, cursing like a sailor....the list goes on.

Ever heard the story about the black dog\white dog? I'm not sure it's totally religion oriented but it goes something like this:

Inside everyone there is a white dog. This dog represents the goodness inside of us. Next to the white dog is the black dog. He's evil. His goal is to eat the white dog and then eat you. He's viscious, biting and drawing blood at every opportunity. Whichever dog you feed the most wins the fight. Feed the white dog, you become a better person. Feed the black dog and evil takes over and destroys you.

You would think that feeding the white dog would be the most obvious choice and it is. Doing good and being kind to others follows the basics of life with or without religion. Feeding the black dog often seems fun but as we all know can be quite self destructive.

We feed ourselves on anger, self pity, resentment, revenge......all the favorite foods of the black dog. It's easier at times to feed him than it is the white dog. Sometimes we just arent in the mood to give anything, or feel we dont have anything to give.

My black dog has been winning. I can look back on my posts and see him rearing his ugliness and hatred for my life. Screw him. He may not realize it, but I have also been feeding the white dog. Morsels, I will admit, but food nonetheless. I am feeling better, perhaps the white dog is gaining enough strength to fight back. I miss him, I should be giving him more meat and less potatoes.

Im not speaking so much of my bi-polar as I am my spirituality. There are times I post things and think "What on earth made me feel so vile!" I don't want my life to be short, sarcastic snippets of self pity, regardless of a humorous spin, a sarcastic tone. There was a time in my life that I didnt use those vices. A time where all was at peace between God and I. I want it back. I have felt it slipping since the time I really felt like I had a grip on it. It's like an escalator. You move so slowly downhill that you dont really realize how many floors you have gone down until you take a glance upward.

I post based on my moods. Moods that I am going to have to change if I want more positive, honest posts. Is there a glass-half-full attitude when you are depressed? Usually not.

A regular diet feeding myself positive things may help. Who knows but it certainly cant hurt.

Humiliation

2005-08-15T09:42:00.000-06:00

Last week I mentioned taking a day off work, but honestly there was more to the story than just that. I had to humiliate myself to accomplish this feat.

Monday night I was exhausted, but for weeks had been caught up in the throws of mania. Along with that wonderful imbalance comes frightening insomnia. I age drastically with the lack of sleep. I break out with rashes on my arms, get deep circles under my eyes that closely resemble the moons craters.......basically I resemble the creatures from the thriller video and feel every bit as bad as I look.

In an effort to "reset" my internal sleep monitor I took an Ambien. After about an hour I realized sleepishly that the last time I took this lovely aid, I didnt wake up for about 20 hours. I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW!!! Knowing full well I would be brain dead and unable to hear my alarm in the morning I decided to do the responsible thing and call in sick for the next day.

I called and left a voice mail for my boss. But what if she didnt come in to work? Nobody would know. I decided to leave a message with a co-worker as well. Bases covered, I went to bed.

I slept, as expected, for my 20 hours. Feeling refreshed I made a few calls to the doctor about my nauseating meds. I am accomlishing alot, even sick to my stomach and awaiting death. I did however spend half of the day wondering exactly what I had said to my boss, at times even wondering if I had even called in! Oh sheesh. I was pretty sure I had called, but what did I SAY???

On friday I am having a discussion with my coworker about work-itis. I occasionally suffer from this disorder as well. I can feel fine, go to work, swear on the heavens I am dying from something, but at 5 oclock I am starting to feel amazingly better. Work-itis. "Come over here, i want to show you something," he tells me. I go over to his work area and he hands me the phone. He has saved my message from Monday night.

I listen in horror as I slur my words, pause and sigh, obviously "not all there" and seemingly DRUNK. Anyone listening to my 5 minute display would testify under oath that I was severly intoxicated. I was horrified to say the least. I have left a message on the boss' machine as well!!!! I can only imagine what that one blubbers!!!!!

That week I had a few strange stares, a few odd glances, and a general feeling that something wasn't sitting right! I had a sneaky hunch it was something I had said, but wasnt about to take an office poll. let's just pretend THAT nightmare didn't happen.

My gut tells me to EXPLAIN things to everyone. God knows I dont want people to think I called in sick because I was drowning in an alcholol related frenzy. My instincts tell me to shut up and ride it out, simply because any explaining I might feel compelled to spew would only make me look more guilty!

Ahh, a humiliating catch 22.

I tossed the Ambien. No more sleep aids for me, period.

Dating For Crazies

2005-08-12T11:54:00.000-06:00

This morning while reading some very interesting blogs, I can across a singles dating site. Here's the new twist....you have to be mentally ill to be listed. Matchmaking for crazies? Wow, what a concept!

Get a crazy couple together, say a couple of bi-polars, have some kids, fill up the institutions. Sounds magical and something to write childrens books about.

I hooked up with another bi-polar. At least that was his claim. I was really ok with the fact that we would "share" this illness. After all, who could be more understanding of the ups and downs than someone who has it. That's why these blogs are here right? Mutual support. Sounded great.

REWARD FOR LOST VIBRATOR

2005-08-11T12:56:00.000-06:00

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to relax. Watching the lights dance off the ceiling and mirrors, breathing deeply, almost a sleep when something caught my eye. The box.

A little over a year ago I went out and got wasted with Mr Live In. We werent living together at the time, and he worked out of town. During our outrageous evening we decided to (at my insistence) stop at a porn shop. Don't ask me why. Sober Ive never been in one. Drunk Ive had sex in the tiny rooms where you put the coins in to continue watching. Anyway, I decided that he should buy me a "toy." Of course he knew that he better comply, because I can be quite belligerent and persistent under the influence. He complied, although I am certain to this day he is jealous of said "toy."

The following morning in our soberness, I started to mind scan possible places in the house to hide this gadget from small, wondering eyes. Thus the box. An old victorian box that I have had for eons, containing basic junk that I dont know where else to put. My toy has rested peacefully in that box (I swear its true!) for months.

When my eyes crossed paths with the box, my curiosity got the best of me. (I swear!) I went to the closet, opened the box and much to my horror discovered that it wasnt there!!!!!

Now this is not the type of thing that you can just start asking family memebers about! "Honey, have you seen mommies vibrator" are not words that will ever cross these lips! I cant ask the kids, and a part of me is terrified that either they know about it, have hidden it from me, or it will be found in the box of toys at our next yard sale.

The only other aternative is Mr Live In. Sure, I could call him and say "Honey have you seen my vibrator?" His jealous response, even if guilty, would be "WHY?"

This isnt something I would call and tell him that I did last night, any more than I would expect a call from him telling me that he pleasured himself in the shower while he was out of town. Just a tad more information than I need to have. Do what you need to do, just leave me out of the equation. Perhaps he wanted to know if having that thing was the reason for my lack of interest lately so he hid it, hoping I would ask. Of the two scenarios, I pray (if you can pray about such things) that this is the one. Afterall, no one else in their right mind would want to touch it. Would they?

Regardless, he is out as well. If I call and ask he will assume that I am horny and all weekend long it will be "Sure, you wanted the vibrator, just not me." I'm just not up for that conversation.

Perhaps I could post this note on the refrigerator:

REWARD: LOST PINK AND PURPLE RUBBER WRITHING TOY...CORD ATTACHED. TWO DOUBLE D BATTERIES INCLUDED. IF FOUND PLEASE GIVE TO YOUR MOM SO SHE CAN RETURN IT TO ME. .................. LOVE, GRANDMA.

Meds + Friends = Nausea

2005-08-11T09:35:00.000-06:00

So I take all these meds. Meds for anxiety, meds for anemia, meds for blood pressure, meds for hormone imbalance. You would think that if my body required these things to stay in balance, God would have given me a stomach that would accept them. He didn't. The iron makes me horridly nauseous, the blood pressure meds do too. WTH. Bad enough that my brain is haywired, now my stomach has staged a full revolt against me. I eat anything I can get my hands on to stop the nausea, sometimes it works, sometimes not. This week has been a NOT week. I discovered on my sick day that if I could sleep for 17 hours my body wouldn't be so offended by my insistence on keeping it "balanced" and in proper working order. That only leaves 7 hours for me to shower, work, eat, watch tv, do laundry, blog, talk on the phone. Hmm, not sure that's gonna happen so I'm just stuck with the nasty gag urges, the queasiness and the occasional feeling that my head is floating away from the rest of my body. Fun times.

I dyed my hair last night. Purple-ish red is now an official hair color. The kids thought it was great, but Im not really a gothic kinda mom. It's just hair right? It will eventually fade to either purple or red. Gonna be interesting to see which way that goes because Im not really interested in screwing with it anymore.

My best friend is being a royal pain in my ass. Every day she invites me to have a drink with her after work. We are both single parents with full time jobs. That in itself takes more time away from my kids than I feel is right. But I have to feed them and they understand that. Her kids are apparently raising themselves because at night when I try to call her, her kids tell me that she is still at work. It's almost 8 pm, and I know better. She has plopped her skinny ass in front of a keno machine with the play button in one hand and a Malibu coke in another. There along side her is likely her b\f or a co-worker. She is always claiming we need "girl time." I need to get out and have some adult conversation and interact as an adult. In my opinion I AM acting as an adult by being home after work to make dinner for the kids. Maybe Im wrong, thats just how I see it. I am being an adult by creating an environment where my kids know what to expect, when to expect mom to be home.

I'm not saying she's not a good mom because in most respects I beleive that she is. She takes the kids to all kinds of sporting events during school, it just seems to be the summers she lacks any kind of involvement in their lives. Apparently summers are girl time, adult time, whatever.

It's not very appealing to me to go spend time with someone who just wants to dump on me. The conversations generally revolve around her b\f and what to do with that relationship. If she wasn't delusional, I could offer advice, but that sorta puts a damper on making any realistic progress in that area.

Mr Live in will be home tomorrow. This week has been shorter than most without him. I havent done anything stupid, went on any manic spending sprees or taken cash out of the ATM 12 times. Hopefully he'll be happy about that. I look forward to spending a weekend with him without the tribe of children that generally entails. At least for the moment I think I do. I have been dying to see "Monster In Law", they are so slow about getting the good shit as rentals. I'd go public, but even the wonderful nachos havent been enough to enspire me to go hang in public for that long. I just wanna be home, curled up with a good video or ten drifting in and out of the movie and my dreams. Ahhh, the weekend. I can't wait.

Idiots Annoy Me

2005-08-10T18:48:00.000-06:00

I gotta wonder why they pay the bookkeeper at my ex's job. She's stupid, continuously has to me reminded to take child support form his checks. I would like to shoot her. Better yet take her job.

I did payroll for over ten years.....and long before computers made it so simple a monkey could do it. It's just not the imposition she likes to pretend that it is. I've come to the conclusion that she's a fuck-tard. You take it out, you send it in. Process accomplished. Not her. She's too stupid. For two months I heard about their new payroll system, and Mr. Ex, after repeated bitching from me, finally took out a $1,400 loan from his employer to make up for her "forgetfulness." That was last month....for over two months of child support. New month!! I was hoping for at least some memory of hers to kick in and since she has to deduct for the loan wouldn't that be some kind of reminder that the current month needs to be taken out as well???? No, not her. I hope that some day she is in my position, and can comprehend the importance of timely payments.

All this hassle generally requires a call to Mr. Ex. I can't say that I'm fond of calling him, that would be why I filed for divorce. He's remarried, and to a total wench I might add.

I encourage this union, all but insisted on it. It keeps him from his whoring ways, at least in front of my children. Plus, he no longer parks his ass on my couch while moving from motel to motel being a dink. So I tolerate her.

Except the one time that I was so pissed I called her and told her she was married to Chester the Child Molester. Not that she believed me, but it's true.

All the more reason that prick should make sure the bookkeeper keeps her head from being stuck up her ass. I get mad, I blab.....he would know that if he ever knew me.

Sick Day

2005-08-09T19:51:00.000-06:00

I called in sick from work today. I've been feeling kind of crappy, tired, exhausted, and strange in my head. I shouldn't say strange because memory loss and frustration are not strange feelings for me, but when they reach an unbearable level, I have to back off for a bit and just rest. It's really crazy how your brain can wear you out. Like running a marathon without leaving the couch. Same thirst, same exhaustion and lately even the body aches and muscle tiredness that would make me think I had actually ran one. Yesterday I even had a healthy does of nausea to round things out. Felt like food poisoning.

Anyway I called my boss after a good dose of a sleep aid, knowing full well that I wouldnt be functional and likely being a complete dork during the call. I dont know really, I was headed for bed and not all there after a fully exhausting day.

Ive been taking a hormone to counteract some gland in my brain that is overproducing some hormone in my body. They call it a tumor, nothing deadly, but to mess with this brain is simply not a good plan. So I have a chemical brain imbalance along with some charming hormone imbalance. My ass is bigger than my waist, another imbalance......sheesh, I think I was jipped.

I talked to my mother about my feelings of being left out. All of this is new to me. Im not accustomed to just yakking about how I feel when I feel it. No, no. I am more of a saver. I save hurts and frustrations, anger and resentment so that it can built itself a nice bonfire inside me. Sooner or later that bonfire becomes a volcanic eruption that surprises everyone and catches them off guard. Yea, thats the proper way to handle emotions. Its not really, it just has always been me. Mr Live in has been regularly showing me how irregular that pattern of behavior is and how much damage the bonfire can do to me before it turns volcanic. And hes right. During the bonfire stage I dont feel my feelings. That is usually a good thing. Im not into crying, sharing feelings, I prefer to feel nothing, or to at least block my worries and pain. So now Im learning to just be out with what I think and feel. Im not sure I like it much, and I know I still suck at it. Mr Live in continuously reminds me that I need to vent to the person who made me upset. I suppose it will work better than expecting people to read my mind, we will see.

Black Sheep?

2005-08-08T11:26:00.001-06:00

This last week I called my entire family for a weekend of fun at a waterpark. Camping, swimming, it's an annual tradition.

Everyone was broke. (They are always broke, none of them work, but usually my mother springs for their accommodations and fun.) So Mr Live in and I took all of our kids, and we had a great time.

Sunday when we came back, my family was having a get together\barb-q at my mothers house. We weren't invited.

Question: I know I can be sensitive to things like this, but wouldn't that bother ANYONE?

It bothered me enough to send this email:

Just wanted to thank you for watching my dog. : )
And ask you why I wasn't invited to the family barbque.

This was her response:

It was not a barbeque. It was an after church dinner and I didn't know you were home. I thought you would be gone until later in the day. I'm sorry. By the time I knew you were home, I would have asked you but I hadn't fixed enough for everybody. I really didn't mean to leave you out. I will make up for it and have your family over this Friday night if you would like to come o.k. Your dog is a funny dog, she followed me everyplace I went. She even tried sleeping on my bed. She wouldn't eat my dog food though.

So they intentionally had it knowing we were gone. Still how nice. We dont have many get togethers like this, church or no church. It couldnt have been spontaneous for her to have enough for them, yet my coming home was too spontaneous to have enough. Go figure. I'm just insulted I guess. (Whine, bitch, moan)

Rage

2005-08-05T16:34:00.000-06:00

Apparently I am full of it. I got an email the other day with this cartoon guy banging his head on his computer until blood spurted all over, his eyeballs fell out and eventually exploded. I laughed.....hysterically. Until tears ran down my face. I snorted. Laughed some more. Got a tissue. I could not stop the tears and the belly laughs. It started to imbarass me so I went outside. Yup, all this at work. Lovely.

So when my spasms finally calmed I emailed it to a co-worker who witnessed my insane display. He gave it a small chuckle, look at me and said "Apparently you have some rage issues." OMG! The laughter came back with a few small snorts.

I have rage. I dont know why. I think its probably rage that I have this fucking shit, its screwing up my world right now and yes it pisses me off to be only half functional. Im angry about my world shrinking, my memory fading and scared shitless that at some point I am going to snap and get hospitalized. Im angry that my behavior is child like and irresponsible. Im angry that Im angry!

Dont ask me when I THINK i will feel better.....If I knew that I would hole up in my house until it went away.

Best Laid Plans

2005-08-05T11:39:00.000-06:00

I'm a jerk. This past week was full of more mania....more spending money and not knowing where or when, planning unrealistic things and in general doing stupid shit and pissing people off. Lovely.

Several times last night I started phone conversations, got interrupted, promised to call back and forgot. I hope they weren't too important because I sure as hell don't remember the majority of them. I hate that. Hate that I can piece together parts of a conversation, but usually the important thing in it is missing....and it drives me nuts trying to recall it. My minds plays back pieces parts and since the memory is so incomplete it plays it over and over trying to figure out the ending.

Anyway, I pissed off my kids and the children of my best friend. Great.

Every year the middle child wants to take a camping trip and waterslide trip for her birthday. For the past 6 years or so that's just what we do. Everyone looks forward to it, it's the only time we travel 70 miles just to play in the water. But it's a tradition. She gets to invite one friend but usually there is a large group of us there. So this year she wanted to invite my best friend and her kids. They have grown up together and behave like siblings, minus the hair pulling and name calling. I invited everyone. The original plan was that the friend would come too, but she bowed out on Monday. Not a problem I explained in my mania. Mr Live In and I will take all the kids and have a blast!

So we are discussing this a few nights ago. He didnt argue over my gracious invitation, I would have likely thrown a big ol shit fit if he had. Instead as I started planning the little details.......like say, the ride there I started to realize that I'm a stupid jerk. There is no way that he and I can get 15 people into our vehicles, Not to mention I have no desire whatsoever to try to contain 15 kids all day long, feed 15 kids, try to get 15 kids to bed in tents and expect them to stay there. NO, NO, NO!!!!! Not to mention the planned sleepover tonight so that we could all be up and at em at 7 am. 15 kids in my house for a sleepover. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

So I called best friend and told her Im a jerk. She said she kinda wondered how I planned on pulling it off but didnt question it. Why the fuck not???? Was she so anxious to pawn her spawn on me for the weekend that she didn't care if I shoved them all in the back of the pickup and drove them 70 miles out of town? I was annoyed with her for the pawn thing anyway. No thanks, I cant come.....but you surely can take all of my children. Fuck you.

Anyway, I feel bad for being such a jerk to the kids. I feel bad for setting their hopes up and then telling them my fantasies can't work themselves out in reality. They understood sort of. But when I suggested that we all meet out at the lake for a get together to make up for my idiocy, I was told that was gay. Sheesh, I guess Im still a dink.

Side note: I might be a jerk and a dink but so is my best friend. She has something urgent to talk to me about. Likely some stupid shit about her b\f that does not require my approval anyway. So I get an email from her today. She wants me to meet her for drinks (all the time). I said no thanks, not interested in being in public at the moment. Well fuck me for putting her off!!! I get another mail......well how long do you think it will be before you are fully operational? In other words, hurry your ass up with your mental problems bitch so I can unload my shit on to you. Even more frightening is that she has a degree in social work. Hopefully she only asks stupid shit like that to her friends.

Paranoia

2005-08-04T14:45:00.000-06:00

Closed door meetings in our office often create a huge paranoia issue for me. It's a family run business so I understand part of it...it could be family issues, business issues anything but for some reason my brain keeps telling me I'm going to get fired. Stupid, irrational.

I called Mr Live In a few days ago. He works out of town all week and I used to enjoy his being gone. It felt great that I could still spend time with my kids and not feel the need to entertain him or feel guilty because I wanted to. Not anymore. Everything I touch seems to be turning to shit and my memory is so terrible that I'm even paranoid about that and with good reason.

I use the bank card every few days. Don't ask me what for because I have no idea. I stop at gas stations, but rarely go anywhere else because I'm ...paranoid. I dont want to be in pulic places right now. Not that a big boogey man will be there and have me for dinner or anything, so I know the fear is completely irrational. There is nothing to be afraid of and my mind is completely aware that it's totally ridiculous. Yet I manage to spend money from the bank and can't tell you where or what on. Half the time I can't remember what bank I got the money from.

I've been sending my daughters boyfriend to the store some nights for things we need for dinner. What kind of freak is too afraid to stop at the store on the way home and grab a gallon of milk? What the hell is wrong with me? I havent been this crippled by this illness since I cant remember......at least this has never been one of the symptoms. Does this mean I'm sliiping yet another gear or is that part of the paranoia as well?

Aarrrghhhh!

Precious Doe

2005-08-03T15:17:00.000-06:00

I stole this from a website I frequent. I've never seen anything quite as appauling:

Harrell Johnson, the stepfather of a girl whose decapitated body was know only as "Precious Doe" for more than four years, has been indicted by a grand jury for first-degree murder.

The charge was upgraded from a second-degree murder count originally filed against Johnson, 25, and his wife Michelle M. Johnson, 30, both of Muskogee, Okla. They were arrested on May 5 after Kansas City police followed up on a tip from a family member linking them to the death of their daughter, Erica Michelle Green.
Erica was almost 4 when her body was found in a park in Kansas City in 2001. Her head was discovered in a trash bag nearby. The community called her "Precious Doe" and rallied to identify the girl and her killer.
Jackson County prosecutor Mike Sanders said his office will decide soon whether to seek the death penalty against Harrell Johnson.

Hmm, I wonder what they could possibly be debating this issue about. There's no question, DEATH PENALTY.

The indictment also includes felony counts against Harrell Johnson for endangering the welfare of a child, abuse of a child resulting in death and child abuse.

Last month, Michelle M. Johnson, Erica's mother, was charged in Oklahoma with obtaining food stamps and welfare assistance for the girl years after the child was killed. Records show she received more than $2,000 in state aid on behalf of her daughter on several occasions between September 2001 and her arrest in May.

Wow, is this woman up for mother of the year or what??? Greedy, sick, bitch.

A probable cause statement said Harrell Johnson admitted that he was under the influence of alcohol and the hallucinogenic drug PCP, when he became angry with Erica after she refused to go to bed!! He admitting grabbing her, kicking her and throwing her to the ground, leaving her unconscious. After she died, with the help of his wife, he said he used hedge clippers to sever her head and dispose of her body.

Ok, I can understand doing stupid shit while under the influence, I mean who hasn't??? But hacking off your own child's head. C'mon...... These two ass wipes need to just be tortured and hung. No more questions, no more decision making. So were they under the influence 24 hours a day, seven days a week for FOUR YEARS? There was not a moment during that time, like say, while mom was coherent enough to include her child's name on her fucking welfare benefits that she didn't have a clear moment to think about what had happened???? These people are plain and simple a complete waste of oxygen.

I'm mentally unstable. Not a big secret in these parts. Hang around me at home a few days and you will understand exactly what I mean. My kids bickering is often one of my triggers off the deep end, but no matter how far off I have gone (suicide attempts, drug use) have I EVER even entertained the thought of hurting one of them. At my worst stage it never occured to me to smack around anyone in my life but the people who mistreated them. My attitude when you unjustly mess with my kids makes that clip out of the Exorcist (the one where her head spins and she pukes green bile) look like a clip out of a Disney movie. Don't mess with my babies. Much less for something stupid and then hack off their head. I know it happens, sick folks left untreated do strange and vulgar things like murdering their own flesh and blood. We see it in the news all the time. But these people arent in a state of psychosis and hearing voices....that is quite apparent in their ability to rip off the government after committing such a heinous act. I hope for this poor child's sake justice is served and they BOTH get death.

And on a lighter note, I've meet a real loon on here that I have to say has one of the greatest blogs I read everyday. She's comical, undertstanding and full of information on helping the rest of us sickos out there suffering from bi-polar. She doesn't need a plug from me...but here it is anyway, so go visit her site :

http://bipolarprincess.blogspot.com/

You'll be happy that you did.

August Sucks

2005-08-02T14:31:00.000-06:00

Oh lovely, it's August. I hate August, its the worst month of the year. It signals that summer is ending, and this year I havent HAD a summer. Just last night I was discussing my lack of interest in summer this year with Mr Live In.

Summers for us generally include a lot of running around. Each night after work I grab a carload of kids and we head to the lake for several hours or to one of the local pools. Waterslides several times a summer. Planting flowers, water fights, nursing sunburns. The usual summer stuff.

Not this summer. My kids have had to drag me from the house, kicking and screaming to get me to do anything at all. I just have no interest in anything. Not the flowers that I love, and certainly nothing that includes leaving the borders of my home. Sometimes not even to step outside on to the porch. Mr. Live In had to drag me to the store over the weekend and I even fought that one. If it hadnt been for what an interesting week it would have been in a house full of women without toilet paper, I wouldnt have gone.

I want to want to! I want to do what everyone says and just go for a walk, stroll through the mall. What is hard for people to understand is that when I force myself to do the things my mind is fighting, I often end up having a panic attack of some sort.

I love to shop and have girls that appreciate that about me....when Im capable. Most of the time I just tell them that I am broke. How do you tell your child that mom might have a freakish spazz attack in public and humiliate herself? As long as they are filling the cart with goodies, the don't give a shit about public demeanor.

So it's August and I am in trouble. There is school shopping to do, supplies, clothing, and I dont know how I am going to manage that in my current state. There is the state fair, ooddles and ooddles of people waiting hours in line after line, trying to keep track of excited children running in all directions. Ugh. And school starting. A new schedule. A child in each school. Birthday parties and gifts.

And lets not forget the guilt. The guilt that another summer is over and it went by too quickly. The guilt that Im a retard of a mother for being unable to venture out of the house much this year. I make it to work every day because we have to eat. Other than that I feel like I'm worthlessly taking up oxygen. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, Im not even sad about it. I'm annoyed deeply and frustrated greatly by this new summer paralysis and numbness. I fucking hate it and want it to stop. I want my life back. It's never been exactly normal, but this is about as far off the deep end as I have been in years.

I feel like a runaway train....continuing to accelerate.....faster, faster....while the acceleration isnt what I fear, it's what awaits me when the train finally loses control, loses its grip on the track and crashes. It's wondering how, which corner will be the last, when will it stop and what will happen then.

Perverts Be Damned

2005-08-01T13:53:00.000-06:00

Nobody other than a pedophile could possibly understand being sexually attracted to a child. Yet almost daily there are stories of pedophiles kidnapping their girlfriends children, kidnapping strangers, stalking little girls who are apparently provocative in their bathing suits. I don't get it and personally think that if someone gets caught doing lewd things to children they should just be slowly tortured, mutilated and left to die and rot in a public place.

But since our country believes in justice and all that happy horse shit, I'm still stucku wondering why a law hasn't been past that these bastards wear electronic monitoring devices? Back in the day (ok, centuries but whatever), all it took was for a woman to let her hormones get the better of her and she got to wear a scarlet letter! Remember the movie???? Ok, so why can't we have a more current version of say a giant tatoo on the foreheads of these pervs so that single moms and children have some sort of warning? I'd even settle for an electronic device!

How do we keep them from removing it? Easy, the fucker blows up if its cut. Then we will recognize and avoid the guy with no left foot. Get the picture?

We have to do something to protect the children. If it's at the cost of some perv wearing a little bracelet so be it. They already have to register for the rest of their lives, what's the difference.

Being a single mom I check the registry all the time. I wanna know who in my neighborhood is a dangerous freak. I then inform my kids of just who's house they better steer clear of. But I dont think it's enough. I would rather that they had a blinking collar around their neck. Who would vote against that anyway?? Who doesnt want to be forewarned that they guy from work you invited over for bar-b-q might think your 4 year old is sexy in her swimming suit and kidnap her?

I dont understand how a perverts right to privacy can be more important than a child's right to be safe.

Having divorced someone that I had no clue had pedophilic tendencies, I know full well the danger of not knowing what another person is thinking. I didn't know until after I had filed for divorce that my ex had a fancy for young girls. We were married for 13 years and I was utterly clueless that this prick was hitting on our babysitters, and eventually the friends my daughter brought home. He admitted to me that he had an illness and actually had the audacity to be pissed at me for not "sticking by him" like he had done with my illness. Hmm, bi-polar and pedophilia? Stark difference there buddy. I get depressed and you are a pervert. Not gonna happen.

He doesnt wear a monitor, he was never officially charged with anything. Fear struck every bone in my being when he would date a woman with children. He eventually settled for an older woman whose children were grown. That was a relief.

I often wonder about his past. There were accusations in the family that were taboo to tell to anyone, even me, so I never did know anything. I wonder how much different things would have turned out for me and the girls had I known ahead of time this man was a freak. How much of my self estemm could have been salvaged all of those years wondering why he never wanted to be intimate with me.

Fuck him. I'm with a man now who goes out of his way to make me feel wanted and loved....

The question still remains....who would vote AGAINST monitoring devices?

On Todays Menu

2005-07-29T11:09:00.000-06:00

So not every day is a bipolar day and thank God for that. Today is NOT one of THOSE days and I'm flyin high with my 7 cups of coffee and while I did I forget to take my meds, it's not my fault! I called in the prescription, but Mr Live in is out of town so it hasnt been picked up. His fault. I don't care if he's working out of town, I try my best not to step foot in that place. Wal-mart is the culprit behind all the bitching! Folks cramming the isles with their carts, hogging up all the quick pay lanes and getting downright rude and nasty with each other because they are being herded around like cattle.

If they wouldnt give you 600 shampoos and conditioners to choose from, 45 different kinds of deodorant to pour over and decide on....people could get their crap and get out! If there werent 6,000 types of match box cars, small children would not be crowding the toy isles unattended while their mothers were spending an hour and a half debating on which brand of sanitary napkins to purchase. If people truly want the best buy for their money they should hang out at the dollar store.

I have been with Mr Live In while he debates on the latest brand of body soap or men's hair care products. I have also left his ass standing in the isle and finished my shopping to come back and find him still sniffing....and wanting an opinion. Depending on which phase I am in he either gets my opinion or I grab one of each, throw them in the cart and tell him to shut up. Are there not bigger and better things to do than hang out in a large crowd of people and sniff soap? Apparently not to some.

Admittedly I do this with food. Take me to a restaurant with more than ten things on the menu and it's nothing but trouble. Bring me some cheese sticks because I'm gonna be here awhile. Of course there are two main differences....

1. They do not bring the food out for me to sniff.....thereby making the selection process much more complicated.

2. There are not 1,000 other people hovering around me, banging my ankles with a cart, and bitching or grunting at me for being in their way.

Maybe next time he wants to sniff soap he can drop me off at a restaurant. By the time he gets back I should be ready to order.

Almost The Weekend

2005-07-28T22:57:00.000-06:00

Disturbing. I can muddle through the day at work, convinced I'm dying of some illness and need to go home and go to bed. Magically at bed time I'm fully awake and alert and ready to roll. Stupid and frustrating because I know tomorrow the whole process starts over again. Thank God tomorrow is Friday and the weekend comes. The laundry, the yard work, the cleaning of this nasty ol pit.....YIPPEE!!

Pictures

2005-07-28T16:42:00.000-06:00

The boss is peeking, but in my rebellion, I'm posting a photo! I'm not smart enuff to get it into my profile! For some odd reason my downloading priveledges here were STRIPPED!!!! (I told them it was the cleaning lady who downloaded poker!!)

And the OTHER beautiful picture is home.

Take my life

2005-07-27T22:30:00.000-06:00

I said a prayer today....God help me with this illness. I didn't get too detailed. He's got an eye on me, knows my thoughts, confusions.....He made me this way, I shouldn't have alot of explaining to do, right? .....Guide my search for help in this illness or just take my life. If I am causing psychological damage to my kids and they are going to grow up all messed up because their mom is a pschotic, raging lunatic then please...just take me from them.

I know He knew what He was doing when He gave them to me......I know He knows the future, so I guess now that I am putting this in writing, once again my thoughts make little sense.

Last night was an ugly scene in my house. I asked my daughter to clean up her mess in the garage, she acted like a teenage jerk and said not now thanks. I didn't take the message well. That mess has been eating at me for months and while it is one of the lovely brain swirls I've been having, I haven't exactly communicated to anyone my depth of frustration.

I have discovered that just because I THINK something regularly, that others should, I suppose through mental telepathy, KNOW what to do and how to act. Surprisingly, that's not the case. So when the "creature" came out and the rage started, I again was looked at with four-headed-monster looks from everyone. Once the creature has been released, it refuses to lose its grip on me until I am completely exhausted.

I called my brother for reinforcements. He came over to get the situation straight. Everyone was in a sudden rush to get their rooms clean, pick up the house, and my teenager was in the garage cleaning her monstrous mess before I even got off the phone with him. Why the drama? Why not just do it to begin with? My brother is a big, LOUD fella and nobody ever questions who is in charge when he is around. He barks, people move. Mission accomplished. So why the self inflicted guilt trip? If I could just learn to say "hey that really annoys me", would they listen?

When you have the flu, children often have sudden bursts of energy. They run screaming through the house and toilet paper the car.....likely because the one person who would normally slap them upside the head is unable to get their head out of the toilet. I have been ill for several months and while they haven't toilet papered the car or set the house on fire yet, I have lost control. There are regular bickering matches that can go on until I get out the duct tape or a twelve pack. I have little to no tolerance for arguing. It makes me nuts, it's pointless and someone always ends up with hurt feelings. But lately it's been a battle and bitch fest. Don't ask anyone to do anything or you get attitude and mouth. In this state I refuse to smack anyone for fear that my lunacy will only increase. The rage is out of control. I'm not able to identify where this bottle of junk is coming from, but I do know it doesn't come from them. I adore each one of them.....would give up my life without question or hesitation for any one of them. I just want them to be spared my apparent madness.

So I feel caught in a catch 22 for the moment. I can't get ME under control, so my house in out of control. My house is out of control, thereby exasperating all of my energy, even if it's mostly in thought. The freakish outburts aren't that frequent and thank God I have no problem showing them how much I love them, and they reciproicate.

So I guess by typing this I have come to the conclusion that God knew I could handle this. He knew I was the best person for this job (scary thought). I can't do it without His help so I am hopeful now at the promise of things getting better.

I got an interesting tid bit from the family tree tonight. My grandmother was once caught running down the street naked and apparently "not all there." I have heard several stories like this....what's up with the naked and running thing in this illness anyway? It dumbfounded me that with this information everyone is surprised when I tell them my mental state.

Like most bipolars I am ingenious at times at hiding it, particularly if you don't live with me. Smile when you are sad, use all of your energy just to appear normal. When there's too much irritability, be overly nice to compensate for your desire to choke someone. The trouble lately seems to be that my facade isn't all that great anymore and I want to be able to just say leave me alone, I feel like shit and I'm too damn tired to pretend. I'm tired of holding it all in! I want release! No, not like my grandmother did.......God help me not to let it get that far. Anyone who got a glipse of my running down the street naked and screaming would likely require lifetime therapy.

Nosey Neighbors

2005-07-25T09:11:00.000-06:00

I value my privacy. I have never enjoyed people simply popping over for a visit out of the blue unless it is my family. Please call before you come, I may not be up for company.

There are not alot of people that understand me in that way. My mother was always a very soiciable person, making friends all over just being her friendly and sometimes goofy self. People are naturally drawn to her and she to them.

I can be sociable, but for the most part, feeling like I have no control over how long I have to entertain you is very uncomfortable for me. There are days I won't even answer the phone and have trained the kids in the house not to take calls for me. These are usually the same days that my brain decides it will not produce a single intelligible sentence. I'm not very keen on looking like a moron, who is? So I avoid any situation that might put me there.

I was proud of myself on Sunday.....briefly. I took a trip to Wal-Mart, knowing full well that I was in no position to be in public..least not of all i n a crowded store. One wrong move and she could blow!!! : ) But I managed, I did well, unti it was over....THEN I got bitchy. All weekend long the house was full of kids, full of activity and I just felt like the very sound of another child's voice and I would pop. I generally dont get that way, but they were cranky and bickery all weekend and who doesnt that make crabby?

Back to the earlier rant.

I live in a trailer court. The houses are pretty close together and I can feel claustrophobic about it at times. I do have a yard and beautiful garden. I love to sit on the porch and just be outside. It relaxes me. UNTIL......

I have a neighbor that lives a lone. He is a buddhist monk. I enjoy the fact that he is sociable and doesnt just pretend (like I do) that nobody else is around. However, he gets a tad too sociable and I feel my life is being invaded. I cant step out on the porch to do anything, much less wander around my own yard, without his joining me. It makes me crazy. I cant afford a fence to block him out, and Im not sure how to approach any of it without hurting his feelings. Last night he tried to draw me into a conversation and I was rude, sick to death of being bantered over every little thing.

How do you tell a kind a lonely person that their presence is sometimes overwhelming and irritating? I shouldnt have to feel like I have to look out the window to be sure you arent home before I can go outside and not be bothered! He lurks comstantly on my side of his house, even though his front yard and plants are all on the other side.

I hate feeling this way. I truly wish my life was always an open book and my house was a warm inviting place that anyone could enter any time. The problem is I am becoming more and more aware of my moods and needing privacy is imperative to not allowing the world to see when I'm not feeling myself. It's bad enough that I have no desire to leave the house, I would at least like to be able to feel like the yard is is part of my safe haven.

Im ranting, I know it........

Ramblings About Me

2005-07-22T15:30:00.000-06:00

1. I like to spend money. Doesn't matter if the stuff is actually necessary, or if I even HAVE the money. It isnt usually even for me so I guess the correct way to say that is I like to spend money on my kids.

2. My deepest desire is to have a family. Since the only thing I can really base that on is the marriage that I had with my ex, I have a tendency to base all relationships on that experience.

3. I'm a slob. I have carpet clothing in my room the majority of the time. It's one extreme to the other. The house is either really clean, or it looks like a tornado just swept through.

4. I hate to make coffee. Stupid, but true. It annoys me to no end to have to make it, even though I need it to start my day.

5. I hate socks. I should live where I can wear sandals year round.

6. I hate bugs. All bugs except rolly-poly's. Anthing else is a freakish threat to me.

7. I dislike dogs, even though I have one. They shit in the yard and ruin the lawn. And slober.

8. I love plants. I kill them, but love to plant them.

9. I have a crappy attitude about men. You just cant trust them. They either just want sex or they are too irritating and clingy to want to be around all the time.

10. I thought I was in love once. Turns out it was just an anxiety attack.

11. I love my boyfriend, even though there are qualities about him that make me want to beat him.

12. I hate to argue and will go to any lengths to avoid one. Unless I am in a mood to pick one.

13. I love to be around funny, sarcastic people. Chronically depressed people drain me and so does constant negativity.

14. I was a daddy's girl. I miss him daily.

15. I avoid emotion.

16. I assume people can read my mind and therefore understand what is going on with my illness. (Bi-polar)

17. There are times sleeping is my only sanity. I have vivd dreams that often I prefer to reality.

18. Cleaning gets me riled up and pissy.

19. Christian pop music soothes me.

20. I refuse to clean the toilet under any circumstances.

21. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or drinking. (Those two things go hand in hand for me)

22. I cant drive worth a crap. I have wrecked numerous vehicles and make everyone riding with me nervous. I cant always concentrate on where I am going while my thoughts are trailing off to never never land. I used to drive to soothe my anxiety.

23. I want to win the lotto and get a plastic surgery makeover.

24. I want to write a book.

25. There are times that the very presence of other people completely annoys me.

26. I have had several panic attacks, some so severe I have blacked out and gotten lost while driving.

27. I moved 2,000 miles for an intenet romance and wound up in the ghettos with my kids and no money.

28. I have an ever supporting boyfriend that is learning to tolerate my stupidities. Sometimes I am convinced that it is his mission in life to drive me insane though.

29. In the deepest darkest moments of my life Jesus Christ was the only thing holding me together and keeping me sane.

30. I had a year long manic phase during my marriage where I drown myself in alcohol and damn near landed myself in prison.

31. I have attempted suicide twice.

32. I suffered severe post-partum depression.

33. I heard voices.......once. Most frightening experience of my life.

34. I dont "cut", but I am a picker. I often wonder if they arent correlated.

35. Sometimes I love to be cuddled and others I cant stand to be touched.

36. There are moments I wish the rest of the world would disappear and leave me alone.

37. There are times I wish I had a large circle of friends to hang out and share life with.

38. I was molested as a child and the molester kept a diary. I was later accused by my mother of being "in on it." I was between 7 and 9.

39. At 12 I was raped by a 28 year old man who had offered me a ride home from the fair.

40. My first crush (and brothers best friend) was killed in a car accident giving me my first experience with death.

41. My brother was killed 2 years later in the same way.

42. My dad died 2 years ago from a brain tumor. He was my connection to the rest of my family.

43. I have a fake blog somewhere else in case people who know me want to read it.

44. I'm cynical and have a tendency to believe strongly that nobody will look out for my genuine interests.

Come & Fill My Heart

2005-07-21T22:45:00.000-06:00

Free, I long to be freeI long for the day I'll believe

That all you say you see in me is true

That's hard for me to do

It's hard for me to die to myself

Entrust my life to someone else

So come empty me out

I'm no good without

You inside of me

Come and fill my heart with hope

Come and fill my life with love

Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on

Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long

Come and fill my days with dreams

Empty me of all the empty things

That I hold onto

Come and fill my heart with you

I need you in my life

Need you like the air that I breath

You've become the very heart of me

And I can't believe my eyes

Can't believe the dream that I've found

Lord, your love has turned my world around

So come fill up my heart

'Till I'm like you are

So deep inside of me

Search me, Lord

Try my heart

Come and take me now and make me new

So that all of the world will see you

Overflow in my life

~Avalon~

The Madness of Mania

2005-07-21T08:36:00.000-06:00

I have been trying for weeks now to decipher where I am at on this insanity ride and it hit me last night like a ton of bricks.

Monday was my daughters birthday. Not getting paid until Wednesday was a piss point for me this week. I did buy her balloons and a cheesecake and cooked her choice of dinners. She was pleased, I wasnt. Guilt, guilt...... She understands the finance thing. The only one of my children who doesn't ask for things knowing full well I'm broke. The others think I have a secret stash or a money tree.

Last night wehn I got home from work, I knew something was different. I started cleaning house, vacuuming the dogs daily messes with her thrashed toys, looking for something to cook for dinner. I seem to be completely unable to cook with out propane in the barbeque and am too afraid of the stupid thing exploding to just unhook it and go pay to get it filled. Call it a phobia or whatever......but Im afraid to unhook it. I dont want to cook anyway. I cant focus long enough to put a meal together. My mommy mind knows I have to feed the children and my brain starts to scan which fast food joint to hit tonight.

Wait........I stopped to pick up a few groceries before going home and bought a cooked chicken. Problem solved. Chips and dip are also on the menu. And macaroni. I start to boil the water and the kids head out the door to go swimming. The macaroni can wait until they get back so I turn the stove off and proceed to clean more messes.

I have an urgency to call people while I clean. My sister isnt answering her phone. My mother does and I yap at her as she is headed to church. When that conversation is over, I call my ex to bitch at him about child support. Accuse him of yanking my chain as he has been promising to get it caught up and take a loan, whatever is necessary to get it taken care of. I accuse him of lying because it has been two days since we talked about it last and he still hasnt made any effort. Patience? What the hell is that? You want me to WAIT? I am checking the web site several times a day and calling because I think one of them must be wrong. Yesterday I harassed the case worker to do her job and get me my money. Of course she hasnt called back so my mind is playing consipracy theories. Nobody cares that I dont get it except for me and Im pissed about it. I will rant to whoever will listen and kick whoever is necessary to enforce it myself.

Anyway, I get bored ranting at him, assume he is lying anyway and know I am getting no where except more agitated so I get off the phone. Great, the dog decided that the chicken was her dinner and ate everything except the bones. I know I moved it out of her reach, but one of the kids decided to pick at the meat and left it too close to the counter. I'm not angry at the kid, but the dog can spend the night in her kennel. Jerk.

In they come from swimming and I tell my birthday girl we are going shopping. I had told her that pay day I would do that. Off we go. Im more excited than she is and I apparently have the notion that I have just won the lotto. I recognized this urge when I was at the store earlier......loading the shopping cart with food and gardening stuff. They had a sale, better stock up.

We have discussed gifts earlier, but she had called me from the store wanting to spend her birthday money on sheets for her bed. Not a chance, that is something I should be providing, not something you buy with birthday money. We get sheets, a comforter set, a matching pillow (I offer, but she doesnt want more than one).......we head over to the CD's and I tell her to get whatever she wants.....even several. Off to the jewelery department. We buy several charms for her Italian bracelet. She has a nervous look on her face and I ask her what is wrong. She is worried that I dont have the money for all of this. I tell her it's not a problem and assure her that everything is fine........repeatedly.

We get home and within minutes she has cleaned her room and put in all the new things. (Seemed like minutes to me anyway)

Im on the phone again.......telling Mr Live in that he is going to hate me when he gets home, or at least be really pissed and I am not going to be home all weekend because I cant deal with his rantings any more. He has no idea what I am going on about. I tell him that I am severely manic.........I assume he understands what that means....I thought he understood this crap.

He wants me to explain it to him but I cant. Intead I ask him what on earth he thought this illness is. He knows that I have mood swings. I proceed to tell him the various things he does that set me off. I tell him to buy a book. Read it on the internet. I dont know, just dont ask me to explain this right now.

I also have a conversation with my mother. She cries as I proceed to tell her that I am unhappy with our realtionship and wish she understood me better and could see that there were bigger issues in my life than alcohol. Im trying to reach out to her and make her understand and she doesnt get it. So then I am upset. Why doesnt she ever listen to me?

Ok, I get it. Full blown mania. It took all of my effort to get to work this morning. I was pretty sure I was sick, then I was pretty sure that I just couldnt get through the day without someone noticing something was up. Is this paranoia or am I simply not wanting everyone to know ? It's been a very long time since Ive even had to discuss this with anyone close to me, but my behaviors are becoming more and more erratic and its getting harder for me to hide. Yesterday my best friend sent me a notice from the medical leave act.....she thinks I need a vacation. I have to get my stress under control. I dont think time at home is going to cut it. I know I have to get in to see a doctor. It terrifies me to think they are going to give me something to slow this down and at the same time I am terrified of it continuing.

After all of these conversations it was dark and I went outside to mow the lawn. Stupid phone was dead but I need something to occupy me. I cant sit still.

I decide I better go to bed when the lawn is done. I know how easily I crash and burn for days after an episode like this. Physically I exhaust myself and cant get motivated to get simple things done again for days, not to mention the body aches.

My oldest is reading print outs I made about this illness. She confronts me with "Is this what you think is wrong with me?" At first I am dumbfounded and then ask her to read it again. She flatly states that she is nothing like these papers. No, but I am and I head for bed. I awake this morning to a note on the bathroom mirror....."Mom, Im so sorry about last night."

Opinion Poll

2005-07-20T16:12:00.000-06:00

I am insanely pissed about a conversation I had with Mr. Live In last night and I would relish in any opinions about this whether I agree with you or not.

Mr Live works out of town all week. Works great for me. The problem lies with this attitude:

"So did Kat sleep with you last night?" (My daughter who is 10.) I tell him yes that she did. She has been a difficult child since birth and has always, always gotten up every night to come and find me even when I make her fall asleep in her own bed. It never fails...she wakes up beside me either in my bed or on the floor. She used to scream in terror afraid to get out of bed to come look for me but wanting my comfort. Thank God that subsided at about age 8 and she started being more considerate about it.

She's an annoyance to her siblings if I leave her up with them, so she generally comes to my room to watch a movie while we fall asleep. If Mr. Live in is home she will wait for us to fall asleep and make herself a bed on the floor next to me.

So this conversation turned into a nasty fight. This man moved into MY house and now has the audacity to tell me that he is going to start locking the door at night because he wants her to stay in her own room period. He bitches regularly about this habit of hers that I have no problems with.

We have had the conversation, multiple arguements, and as long as it's not another man sharing my bed while he is gone I cant imagine why he even takes an interest. Why the hell does he care when he is not there. And to be a jackass and threaten to lock the door ??? Is there an egomanic running lose in my house or what??

If she needs comfort...it is my responsibility as her parent to give it to her!!! Even if it is just a habit, I do not foresee a 15 year old child even wanting to be seen with me in public, much less wanting to sneak into my room and sleep on my floor.

Am I being a terrible mom or is he just a controlling jerk who needs to be slapped!

The List

2005-07-20T10:17:00.000-06:00

Last night I started making a list. A list of all of the things that I think may be associated with bi-polar. My goal is to try to be able to recognize the mood shifts, because frankly I never have a clue what state I'm in. I'm realizing after reading actual blogs about this rather than my usual tell-me-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me medical journals, I could assist better in my search for a real medication if I took a more proactive approach in my own illness. What an idea eh?

The problem has always been that I lose interest. Very few things can hold my interest for very long and I either forget what I was doing or I simply lose the desire to do it.

Anyway, I came up with a list of symptoms, not expecting to have some glorious revelation about myself, but today I am finding that I am irritated that I didnt. I am not clear on the associations. Does being irritable mean I am manic? Does being exhausted and pissy with the neighbor kids (which I exhaust myself most of the time in an effort not to do) mean I am depressed? Does the phone ringing and work and my wanting to shred whoever is calling mean I am manic or simply PMS? I dunno, I dont understand the correlation and I guess in this journey the one thing I am going to have to force myself to learn sooner or later is to have patience. I have none. I can tire myself out daily trying to put on the face that I want to be helpful, I want to be kind....because some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs at the next person who calls and wants to ramble to me about things that I feel are wasting my time. Of course I am getting PAID to let these things exhaust me.

My mother came over last night. That is rarely a pleasant occasion. I want to have this mother who comes over for coffee and wants to have a real conversation about anything in life with me. I hang on to some fantasy that this woman is going to morph into this some day and be what I need her to be. Not gonna happen. But I hang on.

Her usual visits last about 5 minutes tops. I live maybe 5 minutes from her unless I extend an engraved invitation for her to come to some function where she doenst have to visit with just me then all is ok and she will stay at least until the dishes are done. I find this behavior totally offensive since she is more than happy to spend an afternoon at my brother or sisters house. She just hops in her car and drives across town for a visit. Those visits normally include some sort of cleaning on her part and some kind of cash flow. She pays their bills (neither one works) and promotes their pot-smoking lifestyles. She will flat out tell everyone that pot is harmless. Interesting perspective from a Christian woman who likes to push around her morals and values on everyone else (mostly me).

I dont want her money. I have told her this on several occasions. If we have to go without a gallon of milk for a day or two between paydays, so be it. Maybe if I spent all of my money on pot I would feel like having her over for a cleaning and cash day. Not my thing.

So last night when she came over (I dog sat for her so she could have a baby shower) she brought us left over cake. Major borwnie points in my book. The first thing out of her mouth I can recite with the closing of her car door "I can only stay a minute." I'm really ok with that in most regards. It's the snide comments she leaves in her passing that annoy me and make me grateful at times that it is only for a minute. I thanked her for the cake......to which she responded "Sorry, theres no alcohol in it" (Insert necessary jab). I said "Well Ill be just fine as long as it's at least laced with pot." "It is" was her reply and out the door she went.

Generally her point of criticism is the cleanliness of my house. Inevitable she comes over when the place is in disarray or I havent done the dishes yet. If it were a siblings house, she would get busy tidying up. Not that I want that......I just dont think its necessary for her to walk in the door and make condescending remarks to me. Neither my sister or brother work, why in the hell are their houses messy???? They each have a spouse, and one has kids. They are home all damn day, what do they do besides smoke pot???

I have a full time job, and I am doing this all week alone. The kids make messes that I am often too tired to scream at them to pick up and sometimes I just dont care. Should I really have to justify that to anyone anyway?

I once remarked to my mother that raising my kids alone was difficult. Her reply was that she knew because she basically raised us alone. Hmmm, not to me recollection. My parents were never divorced, my dad was home every night, brought home a fat paycheck every week. Im not understanding this comparision. Well, it was because he didnt help. Thats not exactly the same as saving your change to buy milk. Just because he didnt hop off the couch and your demand and smack us around does not mean you did everything alone. And if you still think you did it all alone.......dont call me next time you need a dripping faucet fixed, your lawn mowed, your flowers planted, your garage cleaned, a light fixture changed out or your plumbing redone. You should be able to handle that. Right?

I'm off on a bad mom mantra for some reason this week. The more I type the more things I recall that are irritating. Not that I dont love her, I do. She's demanding, pushy and sometimes a bossy pain in the ass. Ive been missing my dad lately and I think that brings out all of the things I miss about him. He was her opposite....compassionate, careful at least to me about his choice of words. He was always kind to me, even when he was angry. I was his favorite and he had no problem telling me that he thought I was the shit. (SMILE) Who wouldnt miss that kind of self esteem builder??????

Meds Or Madness

2005-07-19T10:17:00.000-06:00

How do you know when you are on the right medication? Sometimes I think I am imbalanced, how would I know when I was balanced?

Currently I am on Paxil. It has helped wonders for my anxiety and depression. I get the stuff, it works for awhile to correct those things, but over time I seem to become immune to them and request an adjustment. About 6 months ago my dosage was increased. I felt much better. Then it started again. I start to self medicate. Not knowing what is causing this urge, this need to disrupt what isn't balanced anyway, but should be.

I dont see a therapist, a pshyciatrist or any other ist. My doctor is none of those things. I think he's a medical practitioner or family doctor. The second time I went to see him I took my boyfriend. He had his own complaints about the meds that he wanted addressed. Maily the lack of sex drive. I flatly told the doctor that I didnt care if I had a sex drive or not. My mental state was the urgency. I want to feel "normal" as possible. I did ask my bf to let me know if he saw things, personality changes, etc. I need those things brought to my attention because I have been on this medication before and it was disastrous long term....creating a mania that caused me great financial and legal problems. Not to mention some very strange urge to consume large amounts of alcohol. The worst part was that I never suffered a hang over, so there was nothing to keep me from overconsuming regularly.

That urge is back. It baffles me that I have this new desire to drink almost on a daily basis. Obviously a med check is in order, I'm just afraid. Afraid they will put me on a medication that will totally whack me out or numb my brain. Either one would make my job suffer....and well, if i lose that I can't feed my kids!!! Not to mention I seem to work the same hours as all these professional people out there to help me.

Ping-pong.

Sin & Guilt Trips

2005-07-18T14:05:00.000-06:00

There is something, likely more than ONE thing, that I have been rolling around in my head for some time now. Sometimes my brain plays pin ball.....bouncing from subject to subject and I attempt to score by stopping the ball long enough to have a thorough thought. I'm never successful unless I write it down, and sometimes even then thats just ranting.

I come from a family of Baptists. Ok, not all of them, just my mother. As a young woman she was heavily influenced by a pastor that insisted on women wearing dresses at all times, no makeup and men having short hair and wearing ties. They encouraged beating your children into submission. She subjected mostly my brothers to this, especially my oldest brother who was very trying.

As a child I was only allowed to go to private schools. These dress codes along with numerous other rules helped to reinforce that very principle.....CONTROL. We were paddled for several different types of infractions. Don't turn in your homework three times in one semester and you stood in front of the class, grabbed your ankles and took three whacks. I once received this punishment for spilling my milk at the lunch table. We received whacks on the hands with a ruler in study hall if we made noise.

Everything was about punishment for SIN.

It was a sin to wear your dress above the knee. We didnt get paddled for that but had to change our clothes. It was a sin to have a hirt that dipped 2 fingers below your collar bone. Again, no spanking but had got to wear a dickie. I was once told by a teacher that the only reason that I dyed my hair was that I was not thankful for the way God made me. Not exactly a sin, but a definate guilt trip.

Every day we learned chapter after chapter of the Bible. Every Friday we heard a sermon by the school principal about the horrors of hell and sins damnation. We were SINNERS, and we must be REALLY REALLY SAVED. (Im still not sure why really, really....I figured saved was likely good enough).

Our teachers were far from loving. They were there to enforce a dress code, a morality code and to inflict guilt trips and beatings upon the guilty sinners. I don't recall many messages about God's love.

My mother sort of fell into this category. To this day she is very judgemental. God will not bless my life because of this sin or that. In no way have I ever claimed any sort of perfection. I know the difference between right and wrong and even when Im not too sure, I err on the side of it must be wrong. That is ingrained into my psyche. God either loves you or you are disappointing Him. You are either in His favor or you are not. You either love Him and follow His commandments or you deny Him. And my favorite......you either go to church on Sunday or you are a heathen. At least that is what she leads me to believe....and sometimes I do. Almost every Sunday I wake up feeling like a crappy person because I didn't get up early enough for church.
I can fill up with self-hate and stay that way for a very long time.

I stuggle with this simply because I do believe in God, I do believe in the voice of the Holy Spirit...I have heard it. I do know however, that never once has THAT voice lead me to feel anything but grace and forgiveness. Of course I have felt some guilt.....but not the kind of guilt that makes me want to run and hide in shame. It's more of a guilt that makes me want to run toward it and be made clean.

I despise other people trying to force their positions on me. I dont know anyone who likes that attribute and I dont care that it's all "in my best interest." Isn't that between me and God? Did God make a perfect person that could point a finger at another and decide for God and for them what is "in their best interest."

I make stupid choices. I am aware of that. I also pay my own consequences. While I can fully understand that as a parent you dont want to see your child hurt, even if it is self inflicted, I do not understand a Christian life without compassion. I mean, what's the point?

In a life influenced mostly by the equivalent of the Pharaisees in Biblical times, I often wonder how people like this find themselves so righteous. What is Christ-like about finger pointing and gossipping? What was Christ if not compassionate?

Today's Reel To Reel

2005-07-15T08:37:00.000-06:00

Divorce sucks. Waiting for child support every week makes me crazy. Raising kids by myself is not easy and sometimes a totally unwanted job. I love my kids.....enough to know that this is not what is best for them.

I had a long conversation last night with my ex husband. He's on his third marriage and I just had ot know or had to at least ask...."How do you know that THIS is the one you want to commit to?" The thought of remarrying sends chills through every part of my body. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met "the one" to commit to, or if I will ever be able to commit to anyone either way.

I chose the divorce. I filed, I wanted it in the worst way imaginable. The reason at the time was because I had fallen in love with a sociopath on the internet. Of course I didn't KNOW he was a sociopath....all arrows pointed to this is Mr Perfect. He and I were going to live happily ever after. I gotta say, that kind of notion is what has brought me to the place I am today.....cynical, mistrusting and feeling like the only man who isnt a lying piece of crap is my dad. Since he's gone, there's nobody out there who isnt just into this for themselves.

I gotta say that the ex didnt give me any real insight into anything emotional. His response was simply that she was harassing him to tie the knot and he gave in. I'm not an idiot. I never saw even a snippet of passion from him about any of it. He likes that he now has a maid and a cook......but it wouldn't have mattered if it was her or someone else. It was the same way when I was married to him and he didnt have a problem tellling me that. "If it wasnt you it would just be someone else." No wonder I outgrew that idiot....his statements were so profound.

It bothers me every day that I am not sharing my life .... and likely won't again share my life ..... with someone who has mine and my kids' best interest at heart. Other people can care for them and for me... but it won't ever be a family. It bothers me to no end that I have to account for every little thing I do for my kids. All I really want is someone who loves them like I do. I want someone to share in my excitement in buying them birthday gifts, Christmas gifts..... not someone scowling about it for one reason or another.... whether its the money spent or the competition dealing with your kids/my kids. What now I cant buy something for my kids because it isnt fair to yours? Screw that they have a mom.

I'm hating the mess I call my life today. This is the movie playing in my head. Where is the exit sign?

Feeling a Panic

2005-07-14T16:28:00.000-06:00

Ive had a great day but have suddenly been hit with panic mode. My heart is racing, I'm in dire need of a cigarette to calm myself down and step away from what I'm feeling.

A few months ago my boyfriend and I decided that we would "shack up." Being the Christian that I am, I know that it is morally wrong, but being the divorcee I am, I am also a bit of a marriage phobe.

Finances are an issue. (When arent they). This is different than marriage, but I doubt it would be any different if he and I were married. I am irresponsible and I overspend. I would rather go shopping and worry about the bills later (usually in an overwhelmed panic). He's the opposite. Sometimes I feel like he lives to pay bills. He loves them. He looks forward to when he can use his next paycheck to write them out again. (Which co-incidentally and luckily for him is every Friday.) He often tells me over and over in a week just what we can pay next. Should I want a $10 garden toy it's simply out of the question since that money is earmarked for something much more soothing.....central air? I dunno, it frustrates me. I lose interest in things that can't be kept up. I've lost interest in gardening, in shopping, in leaving my house. it's not worth getting excited over something I always have to wait for. The answer is rarely yes. Yes I contribute, I'm just irresponsible and I know it. I let him move in hoping he would take care of that. But for shit's sake, he takes things so damn far. it's only ok if he wants it too.

Anyway, I am pissing and moaning and panicking because while he was out of town I burnt holes in the debit card. I didnt bother to tell him, I didnt want a lecture, I cant stand the sound of his voice when he starts in......my only alternative was to hide it.

Shit, the bank statement came yesterday. I tried to balance the damn thing, but I am so not into rounding numbers as he does, that it was a mess I decided I didnt want to untangle. Today he comes home....when he called to tell me, i jokingly said "First one to the check register wins."

It's gonna be an arguement. I know what my reaction will be. I'm fully aware that my methods of coping recently havent been good. I'm trying different things to change that. But I desperately want a beer. : ) Maybe even 6.

Blog Heaven

2005-07-14T10:18:00.000-06:00

I have a blog on msn. I'm terrified to post anything real there....emotions, mood swings, even my daily thoughts. There is a terror that someone I know will read it and think that I am certifiably insane....and I am, but that's supposed to be my secret.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 1996. Recently I found this web site, started reading the thoughts of other people blessed with this struggle and felt such relief that although my thoughts wouldn't generally be classified as anything close to normal (at least in my perception) I did discover that other people struggle with the same demons and there is some small comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

I also recently found moodtracker.com. I am hoping that it will give me some insight into my moods. Although I have known for almost 10 years what my imbalance is, I havent actually ever sat down and looked at it, trying to find out who I am emotionally and what sets me off. (Besides stupid people, that's a given)

My general mode of treatment has been to seek help and anti depressants when I feel like I have about lost the will to live. When the depression kicks in and doesnt seem to subside for months on end, when I feel like I dont ever want to get out of bed again, the house is in total shambles, the kids are eating dry cereal or whatever else they can fix themselves and I'm struggling to eveN care about combing my hair......l a doctor visit is usually in order.

I get the pills, I start to feel better for a few months and then the swings start. I have only had one major manic episode ..... granted it lasted almost a year, but for the most part my mood stays stabilized, even on anti-depressants I'm either baseline or shitty. There isnt a whole lot of in between and rarely am a manic....although I am learning that bitch-mode falls into that classification. I always thought it was that overly cheerful and energetic state. Not so with me, it's just chronic crabbiness and agitation. Damn, I miss the energy of the former. Who doesnt want to be cheerful and energetic all day? Who cares that you cant sit still, you cant concentrate on anything.....it still FEELS good.

After the first few months on meds, I start to feel like crap again. Damn, is there nothing that can lift me? I refuse the traditional treatments of Depakote or any other mood stabilizer. I simply will not take that crap. It makes my toungue swell, it slows my reactions and my brain waves. I can actually feel it, like I am moving in slower motion that during my most depressed phase. Why would I want a downer???? I'm already having trouble in the motivation department, slowing that would kill me. For the most part I dont like feeling like a retard. So those are out.

The worst part of this experience for me has been the awareness. I know when my brain is vegetating and refusing any sort of co-operation with the rest of my senses. I know when I cant remember what happened yesterday or even a few hours ago. I know when I cant form complete sentences that make any sense without stumbling my words. I am too aware of the racing thoughts in my head....much like several reel to reels playing at the same time. I know that my brain is incapable of singling any one of those movies out and figuring out a solution to any of them. I am aware that I can be explosive and pop over something stupid. I am aware that it makes me look like a raging maniac. All of that sucks. I dont want to KNOW that I'm not right, although the alternative would be worse I suppose. I guess I am just bitching that I have it at all because I hate it.

My dad's family tree includes some rather colorful monkeys. Aunts with obvious bi-polar, although back then they were just social rejects. I have a sometimes intense fear that I will somehow slip into the place they were and lose my mind. Maybe it's silly, but knowing their history, the fear is very real for me.