Blog Heaven
I have a blog on msn. I'm terrified to post anything real there....emotions, mood swings, even my daily thoughts. There is a terror that someone I know will read it and think that I am certifiably insane....and I am, but that's supposed to be my secret.
I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 1996. Recently I found this web site, started reading the thoughts of other people blessed with this struggle and felt such relief that although my thoughts wouldn't generally be classified as anything close to normal (at least in my perception) I did discover that other people struggle with the same demons and there is some small comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
I also recently found moodtracker.com. I am hoping that it will give me some insight into my moods. Although I have known for almost 10 years what my imbalance is, I havent actually ever sat down and looked at it, trying to find out who I am emotionally and what sets me off. (Besides stupid people, that's a given)
My general mode of treatment has been to seek help and anti depressants when I feel like I have about lost the will to live. When the depression kicks in and doesnt seem to subside for months on end, when I feel like I dont ever want to get out of bed again, the house is in total shambles, the kids are eating dry cereal or whatever else they can fix themselves and I'm struggling to eveN care about combing my hair......l a doctor visit is usually in order.
I get the pills, I start to feel better for a few months and then the swings start. I have only had one major manic episode ..... granted it lasted almost a year, but for the most part my mood stays stabilized, even on anti-depressants I'm either baseline or shitty. There isnt a whole lot of in between and rarely am a manic....although I am learning that bitch-mode falls into that classification. I always thought it was that overly cheerful and energetic state. Not so with me, it's just chronic crabbiness and agitation. Damn, I miss the energy of the former. Who doesnt want to be cheerful and energetic all day? Who cares that you cant sit still, you cant concentrate on anything.....it still FEELS good.
After the first few months on meds, I start to feel like crap again. Damn, is there nothing that can lift me? I refuse the traditional treatments of Depakote or any other mood stabilizer. I simply will not take that crap. It makes my toungue swell, it slows my reactions and my brain waves. I can actually feel it, like I am moving in slower motion that during my most depressed phase. Why would I want a downer???? I'm already having trouble in the motivation department, slowing that would kill me. For the most part I dont like feeling like a retard. So those are out.
The worst part of this experience for me has been the awareness. I know when my brain is vegetating and refusing any sort of co-operation with the rest of my senses. I know when I cant remember what happened yesterday or even a few hours ago. I know when I cant form complete sentences that make any sense without stumbling my words. I am too aware of the racing thoughts in my head....much like several reel to reels playing at the same time. I know that my brain is incapable of singling any one of those movies out and figuring out a solution to any of them. I am aware that I can be explosive and pop over something stupid. I am aware that it makes me look like a raging maniac. All of that sucks. I dont want to KNOW that I'm not right, although the alternative would be worse I suppose. I guess I am just bitching that I have it at all because I hate it.
My dad's family tree includes some rather colorful monkeys. Aunts with obvious bi-polar, although back then they were just social rejects. I have a sometimes intense fear that I will somehow slip into the place they were and lose my mind. Maybe it's silly, but knowing their history, the fear is very real for me.
I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 1996. Recently I found this web site, started reading the thoughts of other people blessed with this struggle and felt such relief that although my thoughts wouldn't generally be classified as anything close to normal (at least in my perception) I did discover that other people struggle with the same demons and there is some small comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
I also recently found moodtracker.com. I am hoping that it will give me some insight into my moods. Although I have known for almost 10 years what my imbalance is, I havent actually ever sat down and looked at it, trying to find out who I am emotionally and what sets me off. (Besides stupid people, that's a given)
My general mode of treatment has been to seek help and anti depressants when I feel like I have about lost the will to live. When the depression kicks in and doesnt seem to subside for months on end, when I feel like I dont ever want to get out of bed again, the house is in total shambles, the kids are eating dry cereal or whatever else they can fix themselves and I'm struggling to eveN care about combing my hair......l a doctor visit is usually in order.
I get the pills, I start to feel better for a few months and then the swings start. I have only had one major manic episode ..... granted it lasted almost a year, but for the most part my mood stays stabilized, even on anti-depressants I'm either baseline or shitty. There isnt a whole lot of in between and rarely am a manic....although I am learning that bitch-mode falls into that classification. I always thought it was that overly cheerful and energetic state. Not so with me, it's just chronic crabbiness and agitation. Damn, I miss the energy of the former. Who doesnt want to be cheerful and energetic all day? Who cares that you cant sit still, you cant concentrate on anything.....it still FEELS good.
After the first few months on meds, I start to feel like crap again. Damn, is there nothing that can lift me? I refuse the traditional treatments of Depakote or any other mood stabilizer. I simply will not take that crap. It makes my toungue swell, it slows my reactions and my brain waves. I can actually feel it, like I am moving in slower motion that during my most depressed phase. Why would I want a downer???? I'm already having trouble in the motivation department, slowing that would kill me. For the most part I dont like feeling like a retard. So those are out.
The worst part of this experience for me has been the awareness. I know when my brain is vegetating and refusing any sort of co-operation with the rest of my senses. I know when I cant remember what happened yesterday or even a few hours ago. I know when I cant form complete sentences that make any sense without stumbling my words. I am too aware of the racing thoughts in my head....much like several reel to reels playing at the same time. I know that my brain is incapable of singling any one of those movies out and figuring out a solution to any of them. I am aware that I can be explosive and pop over something stupid. I am aware that it makes me look like a raging maniac. All of that sucks. I dont want to KNOW that I'm not right, although the alternative would be worse I suppose. I guess I am just bitching that I have it at all because I hate it.
My dad's family tree includes some rather colorful monkeys. Aunts with obvious bi-polar, although back then they were just social rejects. I have a sometimes intense fear that I will somehow slip into the place they were and lose my mind. Maybe it's silly, but knowing their history, the fear is very real for me.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 10:18 AM
1 Comments:
Hey there,
I'm glad you've started writing. I know it helps me.
I know what you mean about the reel to reel thing...I've always referred to the experience as "the slideshows in my head". You're among good company.
Theres a newsgroup thing at www.pendulum.org that is really helpful with bipolar stuff. There are always people to answer questions about how certain meds have made them feel, etc. Its a good little support group if youre interested.
Be well.
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