Feeling a Panic
Ive had a great day but have suddenly been hit with panic mode. My heart is racing, I'm in dire need of a cigarette to calm myself down and step away from what I'm feeling.
A few months ago my boyfriend and I decided that we would "shack up." Being the Christian that I am, I know that it is morally wrong, but being the divorcee I am, I am also a bit of a marriage phobe.
Finances are an issue. (When arent they). This is different than marriage, but I doubt it would be any different if he and I were married. I am irresponsible and I overspend. I would rather go shopping and worry about the bills later (usually in an overwhelmed panic). He's the opposite. Sometimes I feel like he lives to pay bills. He loves them. He looks forward to when he can use his next paycheck to write them out again. (Which co-incidentally and luckily for him is every Friday.) He often tells me over and over in a week just what we can pay next. Should I want a $10 garden toy it's simply out of the question since that money is earmarked for something much more soothing.....central air? I dunno, it frustrates me. I lose interest in things that can't be kept up. I've lost interest in gardening, in shopping, in leaving my house. it's not worth getting excited over something I always have to wait for. The answer is rarely yes. Yes I contribute, I'm just irresponsible and I know it. I let him move in hoping he would take care of that. But for shit's sake, he takes things so damn far. it's only ok if he wants it too.
Anyway, I am pissing and moaning and panicking because while he was out of town I burnt holes in the debit card. I didnt bother to tell him, I didnt want a lecture, I cant stand the sound of his voice when he starts in......my only alternative was to hide it.
Shit, the bank statement came yesterday. I tried to balance the damn thing, but I am so not into rounding numbers as he does, that it was a mess I decided I didnt want to untangle. Today he comes home....when he called to tell me, i jokingly said "First one to the check register wins."
It's gonna be an arguement. I know what my reaction will be. I'm fully aware that my methods of coping recently havent been good. I'm trying different things to change that. But I desperately want a beer. : ) Maybe even 6.
A few months ago my boyfriend and I decided that we would "shack up." Being the Christian that I am, I know that it is morally wrong, but being the divorcee I am, I am also a bit of a marriage phobe.
Finances are an issue. (When arent they). This is different than marriage, but I doubt it would be any different if he and I were married. I am irresponsible and I overspend. I would rather go shopping and worry about the bills later (usually in an overwhelmed panic). He's the opposite. Sometimes I feel like he lives to pay bills. He loves them. He looks forward to when he can use his next paycheck to write them out again. (Which co-incidentally and luckily for him is every Friday.) He often tells me over and over in a week just what we can pay next. Should I want a $10 garden toy it's simply out of the question since that money is earmarked for something much more soothing.....central air? I dunno, it frustrates me. I lose interest in things that can't be kept up. I've lost interest in gardening, in shopping, in leaving my house. it's not worth getting excited over something I always have to wait for. The answer is rarely yes. Yes I contribute, I'm just irresponsible and I know it. I let him move in hoping he would take care of that. But for shit's sake, he takes things so damn far. it's only ok if he wants it too.
Anyway, I am pissing and moaning and panicking because while he was out of town I burnt holes in the debit card. I didnt bother to tell him, I didnt want a lecture, I cant stand the sound of his voice when he starts in......my only alternative was to hide it.
Shit, the bank statement came yesterday. I tried to balance the damn thing, but I am so not into rounding numbers as he does, that it was a mess I decided I didnt want to untangle. Today he comes home....when he called to tell me, i jokingly said "First one to the check register wins."
It's gonna be an arguement. I know what my reaction will be. I'm fully aware that my methods of coping recently havent been good. I'm trying different things to change that. But I desperately want a beer. : ) Maybe even 6.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 4:28 PM
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