Today's Reel To Reel

Divorce sucks. Waiting for child support every week makes me crazy. Raising kids by myself is not easy and sometimes a totally unwanted job. I love my kids.....enough to know that this is not what is best for them.

I had a long conversation last night with my ex husband. He's on his third marriage and I just had ot know or had to at least ask...."How do you know that THIS is the one you want to commit to?" The thought of remarrying sends chills through every part of my body. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met "the one" to commit to, or if I will ever be able to commit to anyone either way.

I chose the divorce. I filed, I wanted it in the worst way imaginable. The reason at the time was because I had fallen in love with a sociopath on the internet. Of course I didn't KNOW he was a sociopath....all arrows pointed to this is Mr Perfect. He and I were going to live happily ever after. I gotta say, that kind of notion is what has brought me to the place I am today.....cynical, mistrusting and feeling like the only man who isnt a lying piece of crap is my dad. Since he's gone, there's nobody out there who isnt just into this for themselves.

I gotta say that the ex didnt give me any real insight into anything emotional. His response was simply that she was harassing him to tie the knot and he gave in. I'm not an idiot. I never saw even a snippet of passion from him about any of it. He likes that he now has a maid and a cook......but it wouldn't have mattered if it was her or someone else. It was the same way when I was married to him and he didnt have a problem tellling me that. "If it wasnt you it would just be someone else." No wonder I outgrew that idiot....his statements were so profound.

It bothers me every day that I am not sharing my life .... and likely won't again share my life ..... with someone who has mine and my kids' best interest at heart. Other people can care for them and for me... but it won't ever be a family. It bothers me to no end that I have to account for every little thing I do for my kids. All I really want is someone who loves them like I do. I want someone to share in my excitement in buying them birthday gifts, Christmas gifts..... not someone scowling about it for one reason or another.... whether its the money spent or the competition dealing with your kids/my kids. What now I cant buy something for my kids because it isnt fair to yours? Screw that they have a mom.

I'm hating the mess I call my life today. This is the movie playing in my head. Where is the exit sign?