The List

Last night I started making a list. A list of all of the things that I think may be associated with bi-polar. My goal is to try to be able to recognize the mood shifts, because frankly I never have a clue what state I'm in. I'm realizing after reading actual blogs about this rather than my usual tell-me-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me medical journals, I could assist better in my search for a real medication if I took a more proactive approach in my own illness. What an idea eh?

The problem has always been that I lose interest. Very few things can hold my interest for very long and I either forget what I was doing or I simply lose the desire to do it.

Anyway, I came up with a list of symptoms, not expecting to have some glorious revelation about myself, but today I am finding that I am irritated that I didnt. I am not clear on the associations. Does being irritable mean I am manic? Does being exhausted and pissy with the neighbor kids (which I exhaust myself most of the time in an effort not to do) mean I am depressed? Does the phone ringing and work and my wanting to shred whoever is calling mean I am manic or simply PMS? I dunno, I dont understand the correlation and I guess in this journey the one thing I am going to have to force myself to learn sooner or later is to have patience. I have none. I can tire myself out daily trying to put on the face that I want to be helpful, I want to be kind....because some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs at the next person who calls and wants to ramble to me about things that I feel are wasting my time. Of course I am getting PAID to let these things exhaust me.

My mother came over last night. That is rarely a pleasant occasion. I want to have this mother who comes over for coffee and wants to have a real conversation about anything in life with me. I hang on to some fantasy that this woman is going to morph into this some day and be what I need her to be. Not gonna happen. But I hang on.

Her usual visits last about 5 minutes tops. I live maybe 5 minutes from her unless I extend an engraved invitation for her to come to some function where she doenst have to visit with just me then all is ok and she will stay at least until the dishes are done. I find this behavior totally offensive since she is more than happy to spend an afternoon at my brother or sisters house. She just hops in her car and drives across town for a visit. Those visits normally include some sort of cleaning on her part and some kind of cash flow. She pays their bills (neither one works) and promotes their pot-smoking lifestyles. She will flat out tell everyone that pot is harmless. Interesting perspective from a Christian woman who likes to push around her morals and values on everyone else (mostly me).

I dont want her money. I have told her this on several occasions. If we have to go without a gallon of milk for a day or two between paydays, so be it. Maybe if I spent all of my money on pot I would feel like having her over for a cleaning and cash day. Not my thing.

So last night when she came over (I dog sat for her so she could have a baby shower) she brought us left over cake. Major borwnie points in my book. The first thing out of her mouth I can recite with the closing of her car door "I can only stay a minute." I'm really ok with that in most regards. It's the snide comments she leaves in her passing that annoy me and make me grateful at times that it is only for a minute. I thanked her for the cake......to which she responded "Sorry, theres no alcohol in it" (Insert necessary jab). I said "Well Ill be just fine as long as it's at least laced with pot." "It is" was her reply and out the door she went.

Generally her point of criticism is the cleanliness of my house. Inevitable she comes over when the place is in disarray or I havent done the dishes yet. If it were a siblings house, she would get busy tidying up. Not that I want that......I just dont think its necessary for her to walk in the door and make condescending remarks to me. Neither my sister or brother work, why in the hell are their houses messy???? They each have a spouse, and one has kids. They are home all damn day, what do they do besides smoke pot???

I have a full time job, and I am doing this all week alone. The kids make messes that I am often too tired to scream at them to pick up and sometimes I just dont care. Should I really have to justify that to anyone anyway?

I once remarked to my mother that raising my kids alone was difficult. Her reply was that she knew because she basically raised us alone. Hmmm, not to me recollection. My parents were never divorced, my dad was home every night, brought home a fat paycheck every week. Im not understanding this comparision. Well, it was because he didnt help. Thats not exactly the same as saving your change to buy milk. Just because he didnt hop off the couch and your demand and smack us around does not mean you did everything alone. And if you still think you did it all alone.......dont call me next time you need a dripping faucet fixed, your lawn mowed, your flowers planted, your garage cleaned, a light fixture changed out or your plumbing redone. You should be able to handle that. Right?

I'm off on a bad mom mantra for some reason this week. The more I type the more things I recall that are irritating. Not that I dont love her, I do. She's demanding, pushy and sometimes a bossy pain in the ass. Ive been missing my dad lately and I think that brings out all of the things I miss about him. He was her opposite....compassionate, careful at least to me about his choice of words. He was always kind to me, even when he was angry. I was his favorite and he had no problem telling me that he thought I was the shit. (SMILE) Who wouldnt miss that kind of self esteem builder??????