Brain Flutter
This morning I spent in total frustration, scanning my brain for a topic for this blog and all the while thinking I'm having another dead head day. You know, the kind where you wake up foggy and stay that way all day. I hate those days. I would rather be dead.
I went to the pdoc and whined about my fatigue again. I bitched about my weight gain, but have actually lost 8 pounds since I saw him last, so I didnt get the much needed sympathy or the diet drugs I wanted. (I almost threatened to get the via the internet as I have in the past, but decided that wasnt a good conversation to have since switching meds) I was in to see him a month or so ago and he decided to put me on Effexor. I wasn't happy about changing meds, but I was in the middle of weaning myself off of Paxil so what the hell. I've got to be on something to get me out of bed in the morning.
Weaning off Paxil sucks but it was worth the hell. I miss my dreams, they were vivid as hell and quite entertaining. The trouble was they were so entertaining that I preferred them to getting out of bed. Weekends I could spend slumbering in bed all day, completely lost and content in the fantasy world and feeling way sorry for anyone who interrupts it. Mr Live in took it personal, not to mention the nasty sexual side effects.
On one pdoc visit I insisted that he come along. The worst part of being medicated is that if you are on the wrong shit and it feels good, you dont care. Thats Paxil for me. Life saving in the beginning, but I am hell on wheels after about 6 months on the drug. So at this appointment he proceeds to whine to the doctor about my lack of a sex drive.
Back up.
After a horrific relationship that landed my ass living in a motel room with 3 kids, no job and a dying father.......I sort of slipped into an emotional coma. My survival instincts were the only thing coming into play. I had to get medicated just to be able to keep moving forward. One minor slip backwards and we could have been living under a bridge.
I became rather agitated that his biggest concern was my lack of a sex drive. Is sex necessary for survival???? Hell no, particularly if you arent having orgasms anymore anyway. Sex is relatively useless without 'em. Its like getting your car engine all warmed up just to turn off the car. Pointless .... not to mention frustrating. I flatly told him his needs could be taken care of in the shower and for now mine would be taken care of with MEDS!
It never fails. As soon as I am completely convinced something is or is not a certain way.......reality bites me in my ass and I am proven wrong. The paxil did improve my anxiety. I could shop on occasion at a busy store and not leave in hysterical frustration that other people dared to shop there on the same day. Assholes. I guess the downsides eventually outweighed my need to shop. I had no sex drive. It was dead, gone, buried......I cringed at the thought of being touched. I went throught he motions for his sake, but was always thankful for the time that I had until I HAD to participate again. Odd since he and I had always had some weird connection that way. Couldnt get around each other for very long before being over come by some urgent need to sneak off and be alone. It was that bad....or good, I should say. I have never had that with another person, ever. Now that was gone. Part of me cared, but the other part was too afraid to migrate from a medicaiton that had been known to help.
He didnt complain about the medication, but did make suggestions that something needed to be added or changed. I was losing my grip. Two years on this stuff and suddenly I am extremely agitated......."blowing a nut" as he so eloquently puts it "over everything." What a charmer I must be to live with. I would run from me, leave me, or at a bare minimum smack me upside the head.
Coming off of it I could see a difference. For the first time in two years I had an orgasm. (INSERT LARGE CHEER HERE) and my sex drive is back in full swing. I am making up for lost time. I had forgotten or been numbed to what that was all about and three weeks off the meds and Im climbing the walls waiting for honey to come home. Grrr.......... They have also doubled my dose, so double the pleasure?
I also have lost the desire to reach into the phone at work and strangle the next caller. But who knows if thats from the recent orgasms or the meds. Wish honey would hurry home so we could find out.
Nobody really needs to know this , so Im not sure why I feel compelled to share. I guess it pales in comparison to the things I have run across blogging today, so what the hell. I start thinking IM ABNORMAL and while I wont post any links or references to the people or material I have seen elsewhere......if you think Im a freak, keep surfing.
I went to the pdoc and whined about my fatigue again. I bitched about my weight gain, but have actually lost 8 pounds since I saw him last, so I didnt get the much needed sympathy or the diet drugs I wanted. (I almost threatened to get the via the internet as I have in the past, but decided that wasnt a good conversation to have since switching meds) I was in to see him a month or so ago and he decided to put me on Effexor. I wasn't happy about changing meds, but I was in the middle of weaning myself off of Paxil so what the hell. I've got to be on something to get me out of bed in the morning.
Weaning off Paxil sucks but it was worth the hell. I miss my dreams, they were vivid as hell and quite entertaining. The trouble was they were so entertaining that I preferred them to getting out of bed. Weekends I could spend slumbering in bed all day, completely lost and content in the fantasy world and feeling way sorry for anyone who interrupts it. Mr Live in took it personal, not to mention the nasty sexual side effects.
On one pdoc visit I insisted that he come along. The worst part of being medicated is that if you are on the wrong shit and it feels good, you dont care. Thats Paxil for me. Life saving in the beginning, but I am hell on wheels after about 6 months on the drug. So at this appointment he proceeds to whine to the doctor about my lack of a sex drive.
Back up.
After a horrific relationship that landed my ass living in a motel room with 3 kids, no job and a dying father.......I sort of slipped into an emotional coma. My survival instincts were the only thing coming into play. I had to get medicated just to be able to keep moving forward. One minor slip backwards and we could have been living under a bridge.
I became rather agitated that his biggest concern was my lack of a sex drive. Is sex necessary for survival???? Hell no, particularly if you arent having orgasms anymore anyway. Sex is relatively useless without 'em. Its like getting your car engine all warmed up just to turn off the car. Pointless .... not to mention frustrating. I flatly told him his needs could be taken care of in the shower and for now mine would be taken care of with MEDS!
It never fails. As soon as I am completely convinced something is or is not a certain way.......reality bites me in my ass and I am proven wrong. The paxil did improve my anxiety. I could shop on occasion at a busy store and not leave in hysterical frustration that other people dared to shop there on the same day. Assholes. I guess the downsides eventually outweighed my need to shop. I had no sex drive. It was dead, gone, buried......I cringed at the thought of being touched. I went throught he motions for his sake, but was always thankful for the time that I had until I HAD to participate again. Odd since he and I had always had some weird connection that way. Couldnt get around each other for very long before being over come by some urgent need to sneak off and be alone. It was that bad....or good, I should say. I have never had that with another person, ever. Now that was gone. Part of me cared, but the other part was too afraid to migrate from a medicaiton that had been known to help.
He didnt complain about the medication, but did make suggestions that something needed to be added or changed. I was losing my grip. Two years on this stuff and suddenly I am extremely agitated......."blowing a nut" as he so eloquently puts it "over everything." What a charmer I must be to live with. I would run from me, leave me, or at a bare minimum smack me upside the head.
Coming off of it I could see a difference. For the first time in two years I had an orgasm. (INSERT LARGE CHEER HERE) and my sex drive is back in full swing. I am making up for lost time. I had forgotten or been numbed to what that was all about and three weeks off the meds and Im climbing the walls waiting for honey to come home. Grrr.......... They have also doubled my dose, so double the pleasure?
I also have lost the desire to reach into the phone at work and strangle the next caller. But who knows if thats from the recent orgasms or the meds. Wish honey would hurry home so we could find out.
Nobody really needs to know this , so Im not sure why I feel compelled to share. I guess it pales in comparison to the things I have run across blogging today, so what the hell. I start thinking IM ABNORMAL and while I wont post any links or references to the people or material I have seen elsewhere......if you think Im a freak, keep surfing.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 2:15 PM
2 Comments:
Nice to know you are educating yourself further!! I could never be a secretary without reading the files. I worked for a mental health center for children and was regularly reading the case history. Some of them were neighbor kids and their home lives were shocking.
Congrats on the big "O"...
There is more to life, I know, but somethings make life "better"...
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