The Collector

I've always admired the collections of shit that people....well collect. My sister collects cats. She's easy to buy gifts for, because anything with a cat on it gets her all twitterpated and excited. My oldest collects candles, my mother collects anything we give her. I started a collection for her. Not that she asked for it, I just decided one year that she needed a collection. People need "stuff" and I decided she needed to collect Christmas houses. I spent hours painting, and gluing glitter on her collection. She better like it. Ok, she keeps it up year round in her bedroom, but thats what mom's do, so its really hard to say. Oh she also collects gaudy earrings. Yup, she wears em too. The only adult female I know that can pull of wearing light bulbs as Christmas earrings. She wears them well and it's cute. She's easy to buy for.

I don't collect anything. It's always made me feel out of place. (sniff) I have collections, but nothing that I have volunteered to collect. When my children were small my ex and I would take them to the dollar store to buy a Christmas presents. So I do have an entire hutch full of dollar store knicknacks. Nobody touches them, they are invaluable to me. So invaluable that the hutch they are in cost alot more than the entire collection. But nevertheless, not the same thing as my sister's cat crap. Oh sure, I ooed and aahhed about these things, but not because they are painted awkwardly or look unnatural, but because my toddlers hearts and souls went into choosing them just for me.

I also have to mention that my sister collects rabbits. No, not the porcelain ones that sit in a cabinet or on a shelf. The living breathing kind. Yea, she's eclectic all right, or more likely improperly medicated. Her house smells like rabbit shit. Ok, rabit shit has no odor, but rabbits do. That unmistakeable barnyard odor. Everyone knows rabbits breed like crazy, and she does have separate cages for these critters (lined up ever so neatly in her stinky living room) but that's almost a story by itself. The problem is her and her husband are potheads. Every weekend they host parties and get stoned or whacked on shrooms and decide to educate their guests on how rabbits.......ummm, procreate. From what I have heard it is rather humorous. The male rabbit hops on the females back, starts getting jiggy, and at the point or orgasm his entire body stiffens and he ejaculates and falls off the female...stiff and unable to move. (Kinda like the human version of the male rolling over and instantly falling asleep, eh?) This must be quite comical as they now have dozens of rabbits. The fact that some are inbred is apparently irrelevant to a pothead.

Back to the story.

I have never been easy to buy for. I collect (on my own) shoes. It's not exciting, some are simply dust collectors in the bottom of my closet. (Hey a collection breeding a collection, I do collect! er, pass the Paxil) but it's not something others can buy for me. I wouldnt want them to.

Over the past week or so I have realized that I do have a collection. I collect decorations. Yippee and wahoo, but sadly it's true. When Mr Live In gets home this weekend, he too will realize that his love has an addiciton that cannot be controlled. Thank God its only available a few times per year.

A new store opened up here for Halloween. Last night I decided I needed to check it out, afterall the kids do need costumes. I was in the Halloween store for two hours. I am not going to even mention here how much I plunked down to add to my collection.

Last year I decided to host a kids' Halloween party. Since I dont want these beasts running rampant in my house I decorated the garage and the yard and the outside of the house in several hundred dollars worth of lights and scary creatures. My oldest was the DJ and when you have an older sister participating, everything is cool. Her CD's are the bomb. Her presence makes the younger ones feel cool in front of their friends. For an entire evening my children loved each other. It was great. It required little involvement from mom, even better. My idea of entertainment would have been to hand them each a goodie bag for coming and send them home. But we danced to the strobe light and cool music and all was well. They had a great time and I was glad when it was over. No more parties....ever. Until this year.

This year it is the youngest child's turn. It's her party and I cant let her go to school and face her peers with some lame ass party, so we plunked down the credit card at the costume shop and mom had a blast. We stocked up on real looking bugs to freeze in the ice cubes for the punch. Bought a glow in the dark skeleton that is now hanging from a noose in the garage, an obvious suicide victim. There is gel blood on the windows, complete with a cemetary background for the entire garage and ghosts and goblins hanging from rafters. There will be black lighting to make the cobwebs and spiders glow. I had distinct images forming in my mind for all of these things while shopping and could not get my cart full enough of goodies. Ahh, my collection. I only bought two crates of stuff for last years party. I figure in about 5 years I should be able to charge admission for a haunted house. Not a bad investment, I just have to get Mr Live In in the groove of my business plan. So far, I am not having much luck. I was so excited (and obviously delusional) to call him last night and let him in on my latest venture. Im not sure why, but he was not impressed. All I received was some mumbling about my desecrating his sanctuary. So what if you cant open the garage door for a few weeks!! It's all for a higher good.

That's also when I realized that I am not a weirdo for NOT having a collection. He informed me that I was imbalanced (or something) for collecting holiday decorations. The moment he said it, a dark cloud was lifted from my shoulders and I was freed from the bondage of being a non-collector. He may have opened a can of worms unexpectedly. Now that I know what my collection is I must do what other collectors do and collect, right? I dont expect these things for birthdays or other special occasions. An impromptu dead witch might stir up some serious insecurities if given at the wrong moment. But I must go back for the close out sale. Of course, I cannot share with Mr Live In the fact that I maxed out my credit card in that store last night. Hopefully the closeout sale will beat the credit card bill and I will be able to expand on my collection before he realizes what I have done.

Everyone needs a hobby. This one may tempt him to hang ME from the garage rafters. I may have to get back to the store and buy the naughty slut costume before he gets home this weekend. Perhaps then he would be more forgiving. ; )