The Madness of Mania
I have been trying for weeks now to decipher where I am at on this insanity ride and it hit me last night like a ton of bricks.
Monday was my daughters birthday. Not getting paid until Wednesday was a piss point for me this week. I did buy her balloons and a cheesecake and cooked her choice of dinners. She was pleased, I wasnt. Guilt, guilt...... She understands the finance thing. The only one of my children who doesn't ask for things knowing full well I'm broke. The others think I have a secret stash or a money tree.
Last night wehn I got home from work, I knew something was different. I started cleaning house, vacuuming the dogs daily messes with her thrashed toys, looking for something to cook for dinner. I seem to be completely unable to cook with out propane in the barbeque and am too afraid of the stupid thing exploding to just unhook it and go pay to get it filled. Call it a phobia or whatever......but Im afraid to unhook it. I dont want to cook anyway. I cant focus long enough to put a meal together. My mommy mind knows I have to feed the children and my brain starts to scan which fast food joint to hit tonight.
Wait........I stopped to pick up a few groceries before going home and bought a cooked chicken. Problem solved. Chips and dip are also on the menu. And macaroni. I start to boil the water and the kids head out the door to go swimming. The macaroni can wait until they get back so I turn the stove off and proceed to clean more messes.
I have an urgency to call people while I clean. My sister isnt answering her phone. My mother does and I yap at her as she is headed to church. When that conversation is over, I call my ex to bitch at him about child support. Accuse him of yanking my chain as he has been promising to get it caught up and take a loan, whatever is necessary to get it taken care of. I accuse him of lying because it has been two days since we talked about it last and he still hasnt made any effort. Patience? What the hell is that? You want me to WAIT? I am checking the web site several times a day and calling because I think one of them must be wrong. Yesterday I harassed the case worker to do her job and get me my money. Of course she hasnt called back so my mind is playing consipracy theories. Nobody cares that I dont get it except for me and Im pissed about it. I will rant to whoever will listen and kick whoever is necessary to enforce it myself.
Anyway, I get bored ranting at him, assume he is lying anyway and know I am getting no where except more agitated so I get off the phone. Great, the dog decided that the chicken was her dinner and ate everything except the bones. I know I moved it out of her reach, but one of the kids decided to pick at the meat and left it too close to the counter. I'm not angry at the kid, but the dog can spend the night in her kennel. Jerk.
In they come from swimming and I tell my birthday girl we are going shopping. I had told her that pay day I would do that. Off we go. Im more excited than she is and I apparently have the notion that I have just won the lotto. I recognized this urge when I was at the store earlier......loading the shopping cart with food and gardening stuff. They had a sale, better stock up.
We have discussed gifts earlier, but she had called me from the store wanting to spend her birthday money on sheets for her bed. Not a chance, that is something I should be providing, not something you buy with birthday money. We get sheets, a comforter set, a matching pillow (I offer, but she doesnt want more than one).......we head over to the CD's and I tell her to get whatever she wants.....even several. Off to the jewelery department. We buy several charms for her Italian bracelet. She has a nervous look on her face and I ask her what is wrong. She is worried that I dont have the money for all of this. I tell her it's not a problem and assure her that everything is fine........repeatedly.
We get home and within minutes she has cleaned her room and put in all the new things. (Seemed like minutes to me anyway)
Im on the phone again.......telling Mr Live in that he is going to hate me when he gets home, or at least be really pissed and I am not going to be home all weekend because I cant deal with his rantings any more. He has no idea what I am going on about. I tell him that I am severely manic.........I assume he understands what that means....I thought he understood this crap.
He wants me to explain it to him but I cant. Intead I ask him what on earth he thought this illness is. He knows that I have mood swings. I proceed to tell him the various things he does that set me off. I tell him to buy a book. Read it on the internet. I dont know, just dont ask me to explain this right now.
I also have a conversation with my mother. She cries as I proceed to tell her that I am unhappy with our realtionship and wish she understood me better and could see that there were bigger issues in my life than alcohol. Im trying to reach out to her and make her understand and she doesnt get it. So then I am upset. Why doesnt she ever listen to me?
Ok, I get it. Full blown mania. It took all of my effort to get to work this morning. I was pretty sure I was sick, then I was pretty sure that I just couldnt get through the day without someone noticing something was up. Is this paranoia or am I simply not wanting everyone to know ? It's been a very long time since Ive even had to discuss this with anyone close to me, but my behaviors are becoming more and more erratic and its getting harder for me to hide. Yesterday my best friend sent me a notice from the medical leave act.....she thinks I need a vacation. I have to get my stress under control. I dont think time at home is going to cut it. I know I have to get in to see a doctor. It terrifies me to think they are going to give me something to slow this down and at the same time I am terrified of it continuing.
After all of these conversations it was dark and I went outside to mow the lawn. Stupid phone was dead but I need something to occupy me. I cant sit still.
I decide I better go to bed when the lawn is done. I know how easily I crash and burn for days after an episode like this. Physically I exhaust myself and cant get motivated to get simple things done again for days, not to mention the body aches.
My oldest is reading print outs I made about this illness. She confronts me with "Is this what you think is wrong with me?" At first I am dumbfounded and then ask her to read it again. She flatly states that she is nothing like these papers. No, but I am and I head for bed. I awake this morning to a note on the bathroom mirror....."Mom, Im so sorry about last night."
Monday was my daughters birthday. Not getting paid until Wednesday was a piss point for me this week. I did buy her balloons and a cheesecake and cooked her choice of dinners. She was pleased, I wasnt. Guilt, guilt...... She understands the finance thing. The only one of my children who doesn't ask for things knowing full well I'm broke. The others think I have a secret stash or a money tree.
Last night wehn I got home from work, I knew something was different. I started cleaning house, vacuuming the dogs daily messes with her thrashed toys, looking for something to cook for dinner. I seem to be completely unable to cook with out propane in the barbeque and am too afraid of the stupid thing exploding to just unhook it and go pay to get it filled. Call it a phobia or whatever......but Im afraid to unhook it. I dont want to cook anyway. I cant focus long enough to put a meal together. My mommy mind knows I have to feed the children and my brain starts to scan which fast food joint to hit tonight.
Wait........I stopped to pick up a few groceries before going home and bought a cooked chicken. Problem solved. Chips and dip are also on the menu. And macaroni. I start to boil the water and the kids head out the door to go swimming. The macaroni can wait until they get back so I turn the stove off and proceed to clean more messes.
I have an urgency to call people while I clean. My sister isnt answering her phone. My mother does and I yap at her as she is headed to church. When that conversation is over, I call my ex to bitch at him about child support. Accuse him of yanking my chain as he has been promising to get it caught up and take a loan, whatever is necessary to get it taken care of. I accuse him of lying because it has been two days since we talked about it last and he still hasnt made any effort. Patience? What the hell is that? You want me to WAIT? I am checking the web site several times a day and calling because I think one of them must be wrong. Yesterday I harassed the case worker to do her job and get me my money. Of course she hasnt called back so my mind is playing consipracy theories. Nobody cares that I dont get it except for me and Im pissed about it. I will rant to whoever will listen and kick whoever is necessary to enforce it myself.
Anyway, I get bored ranting at him, assume he is lying anyway and know I am getting no where except more agitated so I get off the phone. Great, the dog decided that the chicken was her dinner and ate everything except the bones. I know I moved it out of her reach, but one of the kids decided to pick at the meat and left it too close to the counter. I'm not angry at the kid, but the dog can spend the night in her kennel. Jerk.
In they come from swimming and I tell my birthday girl we are going shopping. I had told her that pay day I would do that. Off we go. Im more excited than she is and I apparently have the notion that I have just won the lotto. I recognized this urge when I was at the store earlier......loading the shopping cart with food and gardening stuff. They had a sale, better stock up.
We have discussed gifts earlier, but she had called me from the store wanting to spend her birthday money on sheets for her bed. Not a chance, that is something I should be providing, not something you buy with birthday money. We get sheets, a comforter set, a matching pillow (I offer, but she doesnt want more than one).......we head over to the CD's and I tell her to get whatever she wants.....even several. Off to the jewelery department. We buy several charms for her Italian bracelet. She has a nervous look on her face and I ask her what is wrong. She is worried that I dont have the money for all of this. I tell her it's not a problem and assure her that everything is fine........repeatedly.
We get home and within minutes she has cleaned her room and put in all the new things. (Seemed like minutes to me anyway)
Im on the phone again.......telling Mr Live in that he is going to hate me when he gets home, or at least be really pissed and I am not going to be home all weekend because I cant deal with his rantings any more. He has no idea what I am going on about. I tell him that I am severely manic.........I assume he understands what that means....I thought he understood this crap.
He wants me to explain it to him but I cant. Intead I ask him what on earth he thought this illness is. He knows that I have mood swings. I proceed to tell him the various things he does that set me off. I tell him to buy a book. Read it on the internet. I dont know, just dont ask me to explain this right now.
I also have a conversation with my mother. She cries as I proceed to tell her that I am unhappy with our realtionship and wish she understood me better and could see that there were bigger issues in my life than alcohol. Im trying to reach out to her and make her understand and she doesnt get it. So then I am upset. Why doesnt she ever listen to me?
Ok, I get it. Full blown mania. It took all of my effort to get to work this morning. I was pretty sure I was sick, then I was pretty sure that I just couldnt get through the day without someone noticing something was up. Is this paranoia or am I simply not wanting everyone to know ? It's been a very long time since Ive even had to discuss this with anyone close to me, but my behaviors are becoming more and more erratic and its getting harder for me to hide. Yesterday my best friend sent me a notice from the medical leave act.....she thinks I need a vacation. I have to get my stress under control. I dont think time at home is going to cut it. I know I have to get in to see a doctor. It terrifies me to think they are going to give me something to slow this down and at the same time I am terrified of it continuing.
After all of these conversations it was dark and I went outside to mow the lawn. Stupid phone was dead but I need something to occupy me. I cant sit still.
I decide I better go to bed when the lawn is done. I know how easily I crash and burn for days after an episode like this. Physically I exhaust myself and cant get motivated to get simple things done again for days, not to mention the body aches.
My oldest is reading print outs I made about this illness. She confronts me with "Is this what you think is wrong with me?" At first I am dumbfounded and then ask her to read it again. She flatly states that she is nothing like these papers. No, but I am and I head for bed. I awake this morning to a note on the bathroom mirror....."Mom, Im so sorry about last night."
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 8:36 AM
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