August Sucks

Oh lovely, it's August. I hate August, its the worst month of the year. It signals that summer is ending, and this year I havent HAD a summer. Just last night I was discussing my lack of interest in summer this year with Mr Live In.

Summers for us generally include a lot of running around. Each night after work I grab a carload of kids and we head to the lake for several hours or to one of the local pools. Waterslides several times a summer. Planting flowers, water fights, nursing sunburns. The usual summer stuff.

Not this summer. My kids have had to drag me from the house, kicking and screaming to get me to do anything at all. I just have no interest in anything. Not the flowers that I love, and certainly nothing that includes leaving the borders of my home. Sometimes not even to step outside on to the porch. Mr. Live In had to drag me to the store over the weekend and I even fought that one. If it hadnt been for what an interesting week it would have been in a house full of women without toilet paper, I wouldnt have gone.

I want to want to! I want to do what everyone says and just go for a walk, stroll through the mall. What is hard for people to understand is that when I force myself to do the things my mind is fighting, I often end up having a panic attack of some sort.

I love to shop and have girls that appreciate that about me....when Im capable. Most of the time I just tell them that I am broke. How do you tell your child that mom might have a freakish spazz attack in public and humiliate herself? As long as they are filling the cart with goodies, the don't give a shit about public demeanor.

So it's August and I am in trouble. There is school shopping to do, supplies, clothing, and I dont know how I am going to manage that in my current state. There is the state fair, ooddles and ooddles of people waiting hours in line after line, trying to keep track of excited children running in all directions. Ugh. And school starting. A new schedule. A child in each school. Birthday parties and gifts.

And lets not forget the guilt. The guilt that another summer is over and it went by too quickly. The guilt that Im a retard of a mother for being unable to venture out of the house much this year. I make it to work every day because we have to eat. Other than that I feel like I'm worthlessly taking up oxygen. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, Im not even sad about it. I'm annoyed deeply and frustrated greatly by this new summer paralysis and numbness. I fucking hate it and want it to stop. I want my life back. It's never been exactly normal, but this is about as far off the deep end as I have been in years.

I feel like a runaway train....continuing to accelerate.....faster, faster....while the acceleration isnt what I fear, it's what awaits me when the train finally loses control, loses its grip on the track and crashes. It's wondering how, which corner will be the last, when will it stop and what will happen then.