Take my life
I said a prayer today....God help me with this illness. I didn't get too detailed. He's got an eye on me, knows my thoughts, confusions.....He made me this way, I shouldn't have alot of explaining to do, right? .....Guide my search for help in this illness or just take my life. If I am causing psychological damage to my kids and they are going to grow up all messed up because their mom is a pschotic, raging lunatic then please...just take me from them.
I know He knew what He was doing when He gave them to me......I know He knows the future, so I guess now that I am putting this in writing, once again my thoughts make little sense.
Last night was an ugly scene in my house. I asked my daughter to clean up her mess in the garage, she acted like a teenage jerk and said not now thanks. I didn't take the message well. That mess has been eating at me for months and while it is one of the lovely brain swirls I've been having, I haven't exactly communicated to anyone my depth of frustration.
I have discovered that just because I THINK something regularly, that others should, I suppose through mental telepathy, KNOW what to do and how to act. Surprisingly, that's not the case. So when the "creature" came out and the rage started, I again was looked at with four-headed-monster looks from everyone. Once the creature has been released, it refuses to lose its grip on me until I am completely exhausted.
I called my brother for reinforcements. He came over to get the situation straight. Everyone was in a sudden rush to get their rooms clean, pick up the house, and my teenager was in the garage cleaning her monstrous mess before I even got off the phone with him. Why the drama? Why not just do it to begin with? My brother is a big, LOUD fella and nobody ever questions who is in charge when he is around. He barks, people move. Mission accomplished. So why the self inflicted guilt trip? If I could just learn to say "hey that really annoys me", would they listen?
When you have the flu, children often have sudden bursts of energy. They run screaming through the house and toilet paper the car.....likely because the one person who would normally slap them upside the head is unable to get their head out of the toilet. I have been ill for several months and while they haven't toilet papered the car or set the house on fire yet, I have lost control. There are regular bickering matches that can go on until I get out the duct tape or a twelve pack. I have little to no tolerance for arguing. It makes me nuts, it's pointless and someone always ends up with hurt feelings. But lately it's been a battle and bitch fest. Don't ask anyone to do anything or you get attitude and mouth. In this state I refuse to smack anyone for fear that my lunacy will only increase. The rage is out of control. I'm not able to identify where this bottle of junk is coming from, but I do know it doesn't come from them. I adore each one of them.....would give up my life without question or hesitation for any one of them. I just want them to be spared my apparent madness.
So I feel caught in a catch 22 for the moment. I can't get ME under control, so my house in out of control. My house is out of control, thereby exasperating all of my energy, even if it's mostly in thought. The freakish outburts aren't that frequent and thank God I have no problem showing them how much I love them, and they reciproicate.
So I guess by typing this I have come to the conclusion that God knew I could handle this. He knew I was the best person for this job (scary thought). I can't do it without His help so I am hopeful now at the promise of things getting better.
I got an interesting tid bit from the family tree tonight. My grandmother was once caught running down the street naked and apparently "not all there." I have heard several stories like this....what's up with the naked and running thing in this illness anyway? It dumbfounded me that with this information everyone is surprised when I tell them my mental state.
Like most bipolars I am ingenious at times at hiding it, particularly if you don't live with me. Smile when you are sad, use all of your energy just to appear normal. When there's too much irritability, be overly nice to compensate for your desire to choke someone. The trouble lately seems to be that my facade isn't all that great anymore and I want to be able to just say leave me alone, I feel like shit and I'm too damn tired to pretend. I'm tired of holding it all in! I want release! No, not like my grandmother did.......God help me not to let it get that far. Anyone who got a glipse of my running down the street naked and screaming would likely require lifetime therapy.
I know He knew what He was doing when He gave them to me......I know He knows the future, so I guess now that I am putting this in writing, once again my thoughts make little sense.
Last night was an ugly scene in my house. I asked my daughter to clean up her mess in the garage, she acted like a teenage jerk and said not now thanks. I didn't take the message well. That mess has been eating at me for months and while it is one of the lovely brain swirls I've been having, I haven't exactly communicated to anyone my depth of frustration.
I have discovered that just because I THINK something regularly, that others should, I suppose through mental telepathy, KNOW what to do and how to act. Surprisingly, that's not the case. So when the "creature" came out and the rage started, I again was looked at with four-headed-monster looks from everyone. Once the creature has been released, it refuses to lose its grip on me until I am completely exhausted.
I called my brother for reinforcements. He came over to get the situation straight. Everyone was in a sudden rush to get their rooms clean, pick up the house, and my teenager was in the garage cleaning her monstrous mess before I even got off the phone with him. Why the drama? Why not just do it to begin with? My brother is a big, LOUD fella and nobody ever questions who is in charge when he is around. He barks, people move. Mission accomplished. So why the self inflicted guilt trip? If I could just learn to say "hey that really annoys me", would they listen?
When you have the flu, children often have sudden bursts of energy. They run screaming through the house and toilet paper the car.....likely because the one person who would normally slap them upside the head is unable to get their head out of the toilet. I have been ill for several months and while they haven't toilet papered the car or set the house on fire yet, I have lost control. There are regular bickering matches that can go on until I get out the duct tape or a twelve pack. I have little to no tolerance for arguing. It makes me nuts, it's pointless and someone always ends up with hurt feelings. But lately it's been a battle and bitch fest. Don't ask anyone to do anything or you get attitude and mouth. In this state I refuse to smack anyone for fear that my lunacy will only increase. The rage is out of control. I'm not able to identify where this bottle of junk is coming from, but I do know it doesn't come from them. I adore each one of them.....would give up my life without question or hesitation for any one of them. I just want them to be spared my apparent madness.
So I feel caught in a catch 22 for the moment. I can't get ME under control, so my house in out of control. My house is out of control, thereby exasperating all of my energy, even if it's mostly in thought. The freakish outburts aren't that frequent and thank God I have no problem showing them how much I love them, and they reciproicate.
So I guess by typing this I have come to the conclusion that God knew I could handle this. He knew I was the best person for this job (scary thought). I can't do it without His help so I am hopeful now at the promise of things getting better.
I got an interesting tid bit from the family tree tonight. My grandmother was once caught running down the street naked and apparently "not all there." I have heard several stories like this....what's up with the naked and running thing in this illness anyway? It dumbfounded me that with this information everyone is surprised when I tell them my mental state.
Like most bipolars I am ingenious at times at hiding it, particularly if you don't live with me. Smile when you are sad, use all of your energy just to appear normal. When there's too much irritability, be overly nice to compensate for your desire to choke someone. The trouble lately seems to be that my facade isn't all that great anymore and I want to be able to just say leave me alone, I feel like shit and I'm too damn tired to pretend. I'm tired of holding it all in! I want release! No, not like my grandmother did.......God help me not to let it get that far. Anyone who got a glipse of my running down the street naked and screaming would likely require lifetime therapy.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 10:30 PM
1 Comments:
i'm not bipolar but i have 'psychotic features' along with my depression....errrr....
yes, i can totally relate to the rages...i had em bad at one time..i'd yell at my kids for no reason, throw shit in the house (AND at work--stethoscopes would go flying, doors would be yanked back to the point where they hit the wall, and we wont go into detail about the blood pressure machines *hangs head in shame*.
i know how it feels hon...i wore 'the mask' (no affililation with the Jim Carrey movie lol) for years until i finally lost it at work (i used to be a CNA - cleaner of nasty asses, err, i mean certified nurse assistant).
btw...dont you get tired of people telling you shit like 'well you seem ok to me' WTF? dont it make you want to slap the taste outta their mouths? i know it has for me. so you aint alone honey. i feel ya all the way.
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