Paranoia

Closed door meetings in our office often create a huge paranoia issue for me. It's a family run business so I understand part of it...it could be family issues, business issues anything but for some reason my brain keeps telling me I'm going to get fired. Stupid, irrational.

I called Mr Live In a few days ago. He works out of town all week and I used to enjoy his being gone. It felt great that I could still spend time with my kids and not feel the need to entertain him or feel guilty because I wanted to. Not anymore. Everything I touch seems to be turning to shit and my memory is so terrible that I'm even paranoid about that and with good reason.

I use the bank card every few days. Don't ask me what for because I have no idea. I stop at gas stations, but rarely go anywhere else because I'm ...paranoid. I dont want to be in pulic places right now. Not that a big boogey man will be there and have me for dinner or anything, so I know the fear is completely irrational. There is nothing to be afraid of and my mind is completely aware that it's totally ridiculous. Yet I manage to spend money from the bank and can't tell you where or what on. Half the time I can't remember what bank I got the money from.

I've been sending my daughters boyfriend to the store some nights for things we need for dinner. What kind of freak is too afraid to stop at the store on the way home and grab a gallon of milk? What the hell is wrong with me? I havent been this crippled by this illness since I cant remember......at least this has never been one of the symptoms. Does this mean I'm sliiping yet another gear or is that part of the paranoia as well?

Aarrrghhhh!