Sick Day

I called in sick from work today. I've been feeling kind of crappy, tired, exhausted, and strange in my head. I shouldn't say strange because memory loss and frustration are not strange feelings for me, but when they reach an unbearable level, I have to back off for a bit and just rest. It's really crazy how your brain can wear you out. Like running a marathon without leaving the couch. Same thirst, same exhaustion and lately even the body aches and muscle tiredness that would make me think I had actually ran one. Yesterday I even had a healthy does of nausea to round things out. Felt like food poisoning.

Anyway I called my boss after a good dose of a sleep aid, knowing full well that I wouldnt be functional and likely being a complete dork during the call. I dont know really, I was headed for bed and not all there after a fully exhausting day.

Ive been taking a hormone to counteract some gland in my brain that is overproducing some hormone in my body. They call it a tumor, nothing deadly, but to mess with this brain is simply not a good plan. So I have a chemical brain imbalance along with some charming hormone imbalance. My ass is bigger than my waist, another imbalance......sheesh, I think I was jipped.

I talked to my mother about my feelings of being left out. All of this is new to me. Im not accustomed to just yakking about how I feel when I feel it. No, no. I am more of a saver. I save hurts and frustrations, anger and resentment so that it can built itself a nice bonfire inside me. Sooner or later that bonfire becomes a volcanic eruption that surprises everyone and catches them off guard. Yea, thats the proper way to handle emotions. Its not really, it just has always been me. Mr Live in has been regularly showing me how irregular that pattern of behavior is and how much damage the bonfire can do to me before it turns volcanic. And hes right. During the bonfire stage I dont feel my feelings. That is usually a good thing. Im not into crying, sharing feelings, I prefer to feel nothing, or to at least block my worries and pain. So now Im learning to just be out with what I think and feel. Im not sure I like it much, and I know I still suck at it. Mr Live in continuously reminds me that I need to vent to the person who made me upset. I suppose it will work better than expecting people to read my mind, we will see.