Wednesday Rants
I look forward to every weekend. I dont know why, since they arent really all they are cracked up to be. I mean, rarely does anything happen that is wonderful.....apparently left to my own doings and schedule, things turn to shit.
My daughters shoes were stolen from the skating rink. These suckers were expensive, they were important to her for that reason.....her first expensive piece of clothing. I dont know how parents can not notice that extra pair of shoes their kid happened to be wearing Saturday morning, but my children informed me that alot of parents dont care. Dont care if their kids are brazen thieves? My kids often tell me that I am utterly clueless, and in that regard I guess I am. I cant imagine being THAT parent. Anyway, it was her only pair of tennis shoes, so she left the skating rink in her socks......crying hysterically. I'm considering planting my ass at the rink and stealing them back if they reappear. Not likely to happen, but there is no other way for me to replace them.
I am thrilled to announce that the teenager has gotten a job!!! Finally, after about three months of unemployment, shes working again!!! She took a job at a fast food place, only out of fear of losing her car. She's incredibly prissy.....afraid or disgusted by dirty hands, dirty clothing, clothing stains....so taking a job where she might have to touch other peoples dirty trays was a little humourous to me. I'm just praying she sticks with it for awhile. Its difficult as a teen to even find a job, much less finding a job every few months.
The middle child was found to be writing a letter to the daughter of my former fiancee. You know, the one who I moved 2,000 miles to marry and ended up instead living in the gutters of Baltimore? Yea, that one. I'm not sure what to think about it. We only lived there for about 9 months. But I started thinking.....overthinking rather. Is it because Mr Live in and I arent married that she is less fascinated with our situation? I mean, if he and I were to marry, would that somehow form more of a security for her? Of course, these are questions I cant ask her. She would simply tell me whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Or if she feared hurting my feelings, she either wouldnt remember or would refuse to say. I guess I just didnt understand why after 3 years she would be writing to her. The kids did sort of eventually fall in love with each other.....after the parents fell out. Maybe it was just because kids want security...they want family. She did love that there were "family dinners" .... at the time I questioned why since they treated us like anything BUT family.
I've been questioning my parenting alot lately. Im thankful for the parents that I had, and I often feel guilty that my kids are forced to have less. I hate it, but I cant change it. I feel like a shitty mom because I dont like to cook, I dont like to clean. The house is either in total disarray or its really clean....rarely is there an in between. We eat whatever we throw together. Nothing like the meals a mom should cook. I do help with homework whenever possible and I do take time off rom work, vacation days, to attend at least one field trip with the kids every year. I guess lately I havent been feeling like much of a mom. I still want someone to cook MY meals and wash MY clothes. Not that that has happened in the last 20 years, but I still want it. Ive even fantasized about the maid\cook thing. Yes, I do need one!!! Can I afford one? Yea, sure. I'm also not providing them with a "together" family. I mean, there are otheres there that we call family.....but isnt it odd that mom wont commit to this???? Am I sending them a signal that he is only allowed partial family rights? I guess my brain has just been stuck on this "I suck as a parent" mantra. I dont want to find out years from now that IM the reason my kids need therapy.
My daughters shoes were stolen from the skating rink. These suckers were expensive, they were important to her for that reason.....her first expensive piece of clothing. I dont know how parents can not notice that extra pair of shoes their kid happened to be wearing Saturday morning, but my children informed me that alot of parents dont care. Dont care if their kids are brazen thieves? My kids often tell me that I am utterly clueless, and in that regard I guess I am. I cant imagine being THAT parent. Anyway, it was her only pair of tennis shoes, so she left the skating rink in her socks......crying hysterically. I'm considering planting my ass at the rink and stealing them back if they reappear. Not likely to happen, but there is no other way for me to replace them.
I am thrilled to announce that the teenager has gotten a job!!! Finally, after about three months of unemployment, shes working again!!! She took a job at a fast food place, only out of fear of losing her car. She's incredibly prissy.....afraid or disgusted by dirty hands, dirty clothing, clothing stains....so taking a job where she might have to touch other peoples dirty trays was a little humourous to me. I'm just praying she sticks with it for awhile. Its difficult as a teen to even find a job, much less finding a job every few months.
The middle child was found to be writing a letter to the daughter of my former fiancee. You know, the one who I moved 2,000 miles to marry and ended up instead living in the gutters of Baltimore? Yea, that one. I'm not sure what to think about it. We only lived there for about 9 months. But I started thinking.....overthinking rather. Is it because Mr Live in and I arent married that she is less fascinated with our situation? I mean, if he and I were to marry, would that somehow form more of a security for her? Of course, these are questions I cant ask her. She would simply tell me whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Or if she feared hurting my feelings, she either wouldnt remember or would refuse to say. I guess I just didnt understand why after 3 years she would be writing to her. The kids did sort of eventually fall in love with each other.....after the parents fell out. Maybe it was just because kids want security...they want family. She did love that there were "family dinners" .... at the time I questioned why since they treated us like anything BUT family.
I've been questioning my parenting alot lately. Im thankful for the parents that I had, and I often feel guilty that my kids are forced to have less. I hate it, but I cant change it. I feel like a shitty mom because I dont like to cook, I dont like to clean. The house is either in total disarray or its really clean....rarely is there an in between. We eat whatever we throw together. Nothing like the meals a mom should cook. I do help with homework whenever possible and I do take time off rom work, vacation days, to attend at least one field trip with the kids every year. I guess lately I havent been feeling like much of a mom. I still want someone to cook MY meals and wash MY clothes. Not that that has happened in the last 20 years, but I still want it. Ive even fantasized about the maid\cook thing. Yes, I do need one!!! Can I afford one? Yea, sure. I'm also not providing them with a "together" family. I mean, there are otheres there that we call family.....but isnt it odd that mom wont commit to this???? Am I sending them a signal that he is only allowed partial family rights? I guess my brain has just been stuck on this "I suck as a parent" mantra. I dont want to find out years from now that IM the reason my kids need therapy.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 10:08 AM
8 Comments:
You cannot beat yourself up over something like this. (as I look in the mirror)
I am the same way.. It is not easy to conform to societys idea of what a good mother is supposed to be. If you ever watch that show called wife swap - the messy mom is always the cooler of the two.
Ms Peculiar....
Thanks for the reminder. My kids do tell me how awful their friends moms are...and their friends tell them how much they like me. I think I'm just on my downward spiral into some funk. Thus, the brain swarm of how many things I can beat myself up with. Lovely illness, isnt it? ; )
GG,
Are your kids "good kids"? I bet they are.
Guess where they get that from? Not their friends.
Good parents make good kids, regardless of anything else.
Kids do need some sort of stability so the thing about the fiancee and Mr Live in is understandable. I'm sure you've done a fine job though. My mother brought up a family by herself and we turned out o.k. Barring unforseen circumstances, I doubt your kids will need therapy.
Dan,
They are kids. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they arent. They have morals, values and care about other people. There are moments I want to smack them upside the head and others I want to hug them to pieces. Ive been told they are wonderful and told they are awful. They are open about who they are, like them or not. That rubs some people the wrong way. I wouldnt trade em. ; )
Rach,
That was the reason for the shoe purchase in the first place. A 5th grade lesson in....the shoes dont make people like or dislike you. Once in awhile, (especially on my budget) its nice to have a big splurge that makes their eyeballs pop out in disbelief.
Thanks for the nice words, they almost made me cry...they were so sweet. ; )
First off hugs GG (((((((((((((((GG))))))))))))))
i, like you have my moments where i feel like i have failed as a mother, and having the illnesses i have doesnt make it any better. i've had my ups and downs with my daughters, carried the weight of guilt for years when my oldest was molested by the second ex--even when he was abusing me. yet, thru it all, we have made peace. we've cried, forgiven each other, and i thank God every day for my girls.
i've been told that i have beautiful daughters, and jokingly i say, well it aint from me, but i know better. i raised them the best i knew how, tried to be there for them as best i knew how. none of us come into the world being "born mothers" -- it's a trial and error job, but somehow we make it thru.
i didnt mean for this to be the sequel to "War and Peace" lol, only to say to you -- mother to mother, to remember that God blessed us with precious gifts called children and as mothers, we do what we can for our children. like you, i am thankful that my oldest never got involved in drugs, gangs, but kept her focus on her education, and graduated with honors from elementary, high school, junior college and a four-year college, from each of the colleges she got degrees. she came to my aid when i was on an unpaid medical leave and paid my rent when i had NO money coming in. she still helps me out as she can, and i love her dearly. my 18 year old, well, she's a spunky kid, she didnt do as well as her big sister in high school, but she's working on her GED. she cooks and cleans and has gone grocery shopping when i was too sick to care. all of us have "potty mouth" but it's all good. i love my girls with all my heart and wouldnt trade 'em for all the money in the world.
yes, we mommas make our share of mistakes, but we learn to forgive ourselves (i'm still working on that) and go on living.
so hold your head up Gigglez. we are a good mothers. if we werent, our kids would be in foster care, or worse, orphans/wards of the state. be thankful that we CARE about our kids when so many children are neglected and abused, because the parents are either on drugs, drinking or having unprotected sex. at least the drugs we take are legal LOL.
again, my apologies for such a long post, but i just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Blessings, love and Light
MizE
About the shoes, it wouldn't surprise me if a parent stole them for their kid.
About your guilt & mother skills. Join the club. I think we all think that about ourselves; I couldn't really cook until after my kids were grown & that was only cuz Tarzan was willing to go thru the learning phase.
You writing tells that you love you kids dearly. Regardless of the dinner served, condition of the house, anything else...it all comes down to being loved. And from reading your blog, one thing I DO know....you love your kids.
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