UGLY
How do you convince someone who is truly beautiful of that fact?
We had a rough night in our household last night. The two youngest have been at each others throats for months. They used to be like two peas in a pod, but the older one went into junior high this year and you would think that her sister is the spawn of satan now. They cant be near each other without the rest of the room feeling the tension......and last night literally feeling it.
They sat quietly playing a game. I crawled into bed after threatening their lives if they continued any more of their earlier bickering. Within 15 minutes I heard blood curdling screams and thumps and the oldest child interrupted the fight that turned into a physical boxing match. Both were crying, both were hurt and both were sent to bed in separate rooms and grounded from all of their life's enjoyments.
The middle child likes to write. She's natured alot like me, she likes to hold her thoughts, emotions close to herself. But she likes to get them out of her brain by writing them on paper. The note I found really bothered me....still bothers me. Scrawled all over the paper was "I hate me. I am the ugliest thing in the world. I am ugly and smell funny. I am ugly and unwanted. I am ugly and hairy. I am ugly and friendless. I am ugly. I wish I could start over."
She has always been adorable. People have always commented to me and to her how adorable she is. And she's talented. She can write stories, and writes them well. She loves sports, and last year was involved in every opportunity to be involved in every school function and program possible. We ran ourself ragged accommodating these things. She played the violyn, soccer, volleyball...and was very competitive and good at all of them. Middle school was a little different. She joined cross country and quit. She doesnt hang out with any of the kids that she participated in all of these activities with anymore. And for craps sake, she seems to even hate herself now.
I have not had the oppotunity to talk to her about the note. I kept it for reference for our conversation. Ever since PMS kicked in she has been one moodly child. But her lack of self esteem lately really bothers me. She's a gorgeous child and doesnt even recognize it. Worse yet, I didnt know she had these feelings. No one would by being around her.
Anyone have any advice for how to perk up the self esteem of someone who has no reason to hate herslef in the first place?
We had a rough night in our household last night. The two youngest have been at each others throats for months. They used to be like two peas in a pod, but the older one went into junior high this year and you would think that her sister is the spawn of satan now. They cant be near each other without the rest of the room feeling the tension......and last night literally feeling it.
They sat quietly playing a game. I crawled into bed after threatening their lives if they continued any more of their earlier bickering. Within 15 minutes I heard blood curdling screams and thumps and the oldest child interrupted the fight that turned into a physical boxing match. Both were crying, both were hurt and both were sent to bed in separate rooms and grounded from all of their life's enjoyments.
The middle child likes to write. She's natured alot like me, she likes to hold her thoughts, emotions close to herself. But she likes to get them out of her brain by writing them on paper. The note I found really bothered me....still bothers me. Scrawled all over the paper was "I hate me. I am the ugliest thing in the world. I am ugly and smell funny. I am ugly and unwanted. I am ugly and hairy. I am ugly and friendless. I am ugly. I wish I could start over."
She has always been adorable. People have always commented to me and to her how adorable she is. And she's talented. She can write stories, and writes them well. She loves sports, and last year was involved in every opportunity to be involved in every school function and program possible. We ran ourself ragged accommodating these things. She played the violyn, soccer, volleyball...and was very competitive and good at all of them. Middle school was a little different. She joined cross country and quit. She doesnt hang out with any of the kids that she participated in all of these activities with anymore. And for craps sake, she seems to even hate herself now.
I have not had the oppotunity to talk to her about the note. I kept it for reference for our conversation. Ever since PMS kicked in she has been one moodly child. But her lack of self esteem lately really bothers me. She's a gorgeous child and doesnt even recognize it. Worse yet, I didnt know she had these feelings. No one would by being around her.
Anyone have any advice for how to perk up the self esteem of someone who has no reason to hate herslef in the first place?
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 3:11 PM
11 Comments:
please let me know when you find out. i feel like she does all the time
drugs...
Middle school is the perfect time. Any child going through "changes" will feel awkward. She will learn to adapt and eventually she will accept the body she is growing into. I know all this for a fact because I do not have any kids. That is what makes me a perfect parent!
(Actually I have 20 nieces and nephews from 10 to 22.) My 14 year ols niece is going through the gawky "I'm a fully developed woman and no one else in my class is so they all make fun of me and I have ZERO self esteem" phase of life. I have watched it from the sidelines, helplessly. What can I do? I'm just the favorite uncle.
Talk to her about the other kids at school and see if they are the reason for her feelings. Chances are she had a crush on a boy and he didn't feel the same way. Thus, her feelings of self-worth were not validated.
(Who needs Dr. Phil???)
Crud, I still don't feel any great sense of self-worth. It's a struggle for everybody.
I didn't get good at it until I realized everyone struggled with it too.
Its always been just a natural part of my parenting to tell my kids often how important and beautiful they are. I was horrified that she had those feelings. I also forgot about the gawk-wardness of middle school...the zits, the hormones, the staring boys. Thanks squid for the reminder.
And Dan- I struggle with it as well, quite often. I guess that was my concern. I started back then and just never got past beating myself up. I would do anything to avoid that for her. I always thought mine came from my brother....constantly being rude and telling me I was fat and ugly. (Yea, fat at 10....I wasnt but I have thought it ever since)
GG: talk to her and reassure her that is she is a beautiful girl. from what you've described she sounds like she's adorable.
i felt the same way as she did for many years, even in adulthood, because i never got that affirmation from my own mother. she didnt make me feel like i was pretty; on the contrary i felt like i was unwanted and the ugliest thing walking the face of the earth and didnt believe people who said i wasnt. even now, at times i feel ugly and unwanted, but gradually i'm beginning to see that i am an attractive woman after all.
GG, your daughter is in a very fragile state. show here all the love and concern you have for her and get her to open up and talk to you. let her know that she's pretty, smart, talented and that you love her (which i know you do anyway *smile*) you are proud to be her mother. i tell both my girls that they are beautiful every chance i get, and i let them know that i love them, in spite of the psychiatric problems i have.
now that she's in puberty, she needs all the love and affirmation from you that you can give her.
i hope this was of some help
((((((((((((GG & Daughter))))))))))))))
much love
miz e
Mizz,
Thanks, I did talk to her last night and tell her those things. I made her look me in the eye so she knew I was being genuine. I also asked that she come to me anytime she feels unloved or unwanted so we can talk it through. (I got a few ahh, moms and eye rolls) I could tell she was uncomfortable, and dismissed it as simply having a bad day. I told her we all have "ugly days" and thats normal as long as its not all the time. I think I will be taking her to tha hair salon again before school starts and give her a little boost with a new haircut.
having been a teen girl--with the same issues:
if you tell her she is beautiful, she will not believe you because your her mother and she will feel like you have to say that--at this time school and peers have much more impact than home--that is who she will believe--
the best thing my mother ever said/did with me (probably one of the few--but credit where credit is due)--she took just me to dinner at a nice resturant (making me feel like an adult)--and said "I have been noticing lately how you've really matured lately. I know you won't believe me because I am mom and I didn't believe my mom, but you have grown into beautiful women. At time, I have to remind myself that I am your mother and not your friend, because we seem to be on the same level alot"
Then we started a ritual of either going for a facial or manicure or haircut together about once a month just the two of us.
by saying that you see she has matured--she feels like you have really been 'noticing' her
then recognizing the fact that you know she won't believe you--she will feel like you understand her feelings to an extent
the friend thing--shows that you truly truly believe she has matured
and of course going out alone--makes her feel special and that maybe you do look at her as not only a mother but also a friend
and as a side not---i really wouldn't tell her you have what she wrote because she will feel snooped on and a lot of trust will be shot between you two and once that is gone she won't feel comfortable coming to you when she really needs too.
i don't know if that helps--but it did for my mother and i---good luck
marie
I don't think her outward appearance is the real concern. It's how she perceives herself & let's face it, good looks forever aren't a guaranteed thing. If I remember Jr. High right (and who can't remember?) they're the most awkward years of all of our lives, without fail. Zits, our body is developing in all kinds of curves, shapes & we're not always comfortable with it. Some girls have boobs, some don't. Those that don't wish they did & vice versa.
While all kids go thru this, I think there are red flags & would suggest you talking to her school counselor CONFIDENTIALLY. If they can't keep it confidential, I wouldn't talk to them. Everything under the sun is sensitive to your daughter, the smallest things are probably huge to her right now.
I don't know if she's interested in martial arts, but a lot of communities offer them. That's good for self-esteem & protection, as she's becoming a young woman now. Try to keep her in some activities so she doesn't start hanging with the wrong crowd.
I've lectured & I'm sorry. I can just look back too well at my kids & wish how differently I would've seen signs like you are.
You're really in tune with your kids. I commend you for that. :)
Encourage her writing. Sounds like that's the outlet that's working (despite her crumpled note)
Man, I was the same way when I was her age....well, still can be that way.
I think I'd talk to her without showing her the note....that could embarrass her. I know my aunt found a note I wrote once and it embarrassed the heck out of me...she showed it to me like it was evidence of there being something wrong.
I dont really know what wouldve helped me during that period of my life...
For self esteem perkups...maybe take her out and do something fun that she wants to do every once in a while.
My mom MADE me do something at school...play a sport, be in the band, etc....and Im glad she did. Even when I hated it, it forced me out of depression at times.
My 2 cents....may not make a whole lot of sense though.
Hi:
Have you ever had her talk to a
counselor or therapist?
If she is overly concerned about
her appreance you might want to consider taking her to therapy.
It could be a sign of bdd.
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