Shut Up
I think one of the most frustrating things about bipolar is the inability to get your mind to just shut up. I'm sitting here thinking of today's events, as I have frequently throughout the day, and my mind is once again playing ping pong. The balls keep changing, the thoughts incomplete. It's time like this I get quiet and numb. I think it's just mental exhaustion from trying to form a complete thought. My brain seems ot work that way. If I can manage to get my thoughts into some organized fashion, complete sentences, complete thoughts, it quiets the rambling.....or at least narrows it down.
I uese this blog as a diary.....much like I create elaborate spreadsheets at work to put into organization something that makes sense in my mind. It's also a recall for times that I am completely blank....my mind exhausted from the racing thoughts, so exhausted that at times forming a complete, rational sentence is difficult. I hate feeling stupid, I hate looking stupid, and so I have to record things, for recall when I need them. My memory sucks, and no medication seems to be able to correct any of that. I am dumbfounded at times at the conversations I have had, the things I have said and often things I have done that I cannot recall. I hate being reminded by someone things I have said, stupid things I have done and feeling like I wasn't there......usually thinking surely they must be exaggerating.....but also knowing at the same time it is most likely true.
I don't have to drink, or use any other substance for this to happen. My kids get frustrated with me for having to repeatedly ask about specifics of certain things. They are also grateful that I cannot often remember that I have grounded them.
I'm finding Effecxor and alcohol are not so friendly. Not that the warning on the bottle isnt there in giant print for me to see....but with Paxil I could self medicate on top of it and never have a hangover. I could quiet my mind as needed and never suffer the consequence. This is a pro for Effexor, as I'm not real fond of feeling like I need something more......pretty good indicator that what I have isnt working.
I wonder if all bipolar people, medicated or not, experience rapid mood swings under the influence. I remember times I would go out with friends and do the Jeckyl-and-Hyde syndrome......suddenly switch from party girl to raging lunatic bitch.....and never know ahead of time which it would be. It didnt happen often, but when it did.......it was bad. I also wonder if this brain ping pong is something we just have to learn to live with or if there is a drug to quiet the mind without making us feeling retarded.
I uese this blog as a diary.....much like I create elaborate spreadsheets at work to put into organization something that makes sense in my mind. It's also a recall for times that I am completely blank....my mind exhausted from the racing thoughts, so exhausted that at times forming a complete, rational sentence is difficult. I hate feeling stupid, I hate looking stupid, and so I have to record things, for recall when I need them. My memory sucks, and no medication seems to be able to correct any of that. I am dumbfounded at times at the conversations I have had, the things I have said and often things I have done that I cannot recall. I hate being reminded by someone things I have said, stupid things I have done and feeling like I wasn't there......usually thinking surely they must be exaggerating.....but also knowing at the same time it is most likely true.
I don't have to drink, or use any other substance for this to happen. My kids get frustrated with me for having to repeatedly ask about specifics of certain things. They are also grateful that I cannot often remember that I have grounded them.
I'm finding Effecxor and alcohol are not so friendly. Not that the warning on the bottle isnt there in giant print for me to see....but with Paxil I could self medicate on top of it and never have a hangover. I could quiet my mind as needed and never suffer the consequence. This is a pro for Effexor, as I'm not real fond of feeling like I need something more......pretty good indicator that what I have isnt working.
I wonder if all bipolar people, medicated or not, experience rapid mood swings under the influence. I remember times I would go out with friends and do the Jeckyl-and-Hyde syndrome......suddenly switch from party girl to raging lunatic bitch.....and never know ahead of time which it would be. It didnt happen often, but when it did.......it was bad. I also wonder if this brain ping pong is something we just have to learn to live with or if there is a drug to quiet the mind without making us feeling retarded.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 12:07 AM
16 Comments:
i have had alot of luck using seroquel to calm my mind--it took quite a bit of trial and error to figure out what dose helped without numbing me or causing 'retardation' as you put it (i had to laugh at that because it is what it feels like)--sometimes if i can catch it early enough 25mg is all that is needed--but other times it takes more
i know it doesn't help much to hear but i can relate to what your saying and i do hope you find something that helps--hang in there
Two things here... I was just talking with Kim the other day about ruminating... and how suddenly I'll find myself staring at a wall wondering what my mind is going on about and what's happened over the last 15 minutes I haven't been on the planet. So you're definitely not alone there.
And if I drink, I don't swing. At all. It takes the hard edge away from whatever side of the fence I'm on, but I don't swing faster back and forth. Shrug. But each of us is different in our body chemistries. I have to drink so much to actually feel a buzz, it maybe that I haven't drank enough to make it happen.
I'm going to avoid researching it for now...
I used to self-medicate. That's when I was a heroin addict & prior to diagnosis. But I've been told self-medicating is hugely common amongst bipolar people. While some did drugs to get high, I did it to feel normal. (Not that I didn't also enjoy the high)
You mentioned Effexor, but you didn't mention a mood stabilizer. Or if you did, I've already forgotten (I think that's just a woman thing). Are you on a mood stabilizer?
You aren't taking Topamax, right? (it makes you dumb. literally. that's why i ask. I was on it for about 6 months)
What you described reminds me of when my brain used to feel like a remote in the hands of a man, changing every 30 seconds or so.
I can surely relate with everything you wrote. I hope you find some solutions soon.
I always have ping pong balls in my head.
Gigglez: i have developed chronic CRS (Cant Remember Shit) since being on Zoloft, Klonopin and Sugarquel, errrr, Seroquel LOL.
Seroquel, as Marie said, is a good mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic, but there were times i would kinda zone out and stare at the walls like i'm trying to find Nirvana or something, and sometimes i have weird dreams, but overall it's helped me curb the "psychotic features" that go along with my depression, i.e., hearing voices, hallucinations, distorted thinking, etc.
when i was in the hospital back in 2003 for the third time, i was put on Risperdal and that shit literally had me catatonic and zombie-like. it was like i had to stop and make my brain function or something...never took that shit again.
so you are not alone hon. i hope you and your doc can find a med that will help you.
btw Happy Turkey Day!
Hugs
(((((((((Gigglez))))))))))))
miz e
Been there and still doing that! It seems that I need some mood stablizers instead of anti-depressants. I just got labled by one of my former readers as a lying psychotic. I do not understand.
it has been my experience that every med and every person is very different.... i was fine on risperidal... but, 25mg of Seroquel puts me out for 24-35 hours!.... Both of those meds are anti-psychotics and won't stabilize your moods, but will certainly bring down a mania in a hurry.....Most all meds have a side effect... Many bring a "retarded" effect to some degree... most anti-depressants aren't so bad, if at all... but, being bipolar means just an anti-depressant isn't going to cut it... shitty... I am on Topamax, aka Stupamax... lives up to its nickname... But, I figure, was I making brilliant choices off meds?? Uh, no.
Hope things get better for you.
Take care.
I feel the exact same way a lot of the times. People reminding me of things I've said that I'm POSITIVE I didn't say. Alcohol is a great release, I laugh and laugh and have a good time, and all of a sudden break out in tears, so that doesn't work too well. I love to read your blog, it makes me feel less alone, but I wish you didn't have to go thru it too.
:* Princess
Giviung up alcohol is the best thing I ever did depression-wise. Used to get these mysterious lingering 3 day hangovers. Helloooo - blot out your meds so they don't work for a couple days and top yourself up with depressants (yes, alcohol) for good measure and its a no-brainer whats going to happen.
I feel retarded every day...meds or no meds. I'm on Effexor too (how much do you take?) I quit taking abilify about 4 days ago and my head has been going non-stop...dreams are crazy (last night I drempt of people being cut up in a huge blender and I was trying to escape and find an airplane to fly to walmart). Seriously though, I am on Lamictal (mood stabilizer) and my thoughts arent AS rapid as they used to be. I still get frustrated though, I guess its part of the game. Also, you are right Effexor and alcohol dont mix...hangover hell....but I do it on occasion anyway, I just dont make a habit of it.
Jane, Just Effexor, although recently I have noticed a change in mood and less retardedness. Mood stabilizers terrify me.
Blondzilla - it seems to be a common theme.
Princess - I do the same thing. Mood shifts rapidly back and forth nobody knows what to expect and I dont recall a thing. Yikes.
BP Guy - Its funny how many times I have thought what an idiot I am for trying to help along a drug with a drug that actually counteracts it. Makes me question my intelligence at times.
jil - thats funny and scary at the same time. I lvoed Paxil for that reason - vivid dreams even if they were creepy entertained me and I would find any reason to sleep to have them all day.
Im finding the longer I am on Effexor, the less of a need I feel to take the edge off, or to self medicate. Yea!!! Im much lazier, but at least I dont feel half crazy all the time.
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