False Generosity

I wanted to post about the pro's and con's of MRLI and this ridiculous relationship, but I realized that the pro's have pretty much dwindled down to his paying bills on time. Small things continously rear their ugly heads and the good things, the things I thought were good about him, have just disappeared and I feel like a sucker.

Before he moved in he was sweet. The things he would to to make me believe that he loved me. The things I missed about him when we were separated before. Things like hiding flowers in grocery bags, thoughtful things he would do to make me feel special. Not buying expensive gifts, just bringing home something small that made me know he was thinking of me while he was gone all week.

Some strange behaviors have amused and confused me lately and i wonder how long the manipulation has been going on and i have been improperly medicated and not noticing. For instance, recently we were discussing Christmas gifts. His work is seasonal so the past few weeks have sucked financially. During this talk he mentioned skipping his truck payment and using the money to contribute to Christmas. I found it to be sort of odd, since skipping bills would ultimately make him insane, even if it was just for a month. Today in the mail he received a letter from the financer of his truck. As a Christmas gift, they are allowing him to sjip his payment interest free. Of course, it also stated "second notice." I chuckled to myself, realizing it was not some act of generosity on his part, but an opporutnity for him to appear to be generous and making a sacrifice....since that is how he portrayed it to me. He never mentioned it to me, not until I brought it up tonight on the phone. He had filled out the paperwork weeks ago, but never once mentioned to me nor the fact that it was a bank offer. I felt slightly manipulated.

The person I thought I loved is disappearing into the shadows. I'm thankful for that, it will make ending things ultimately easier once his true character is brought into full view and I can see it for what it truly is.

Another odd thought....although he cowered back into the house after Saturdays incident I realized that all I really got for his behaviors was excuses, there was never an apology. He was the one to notice first the bruises on my back, never once an apology. He also, not surprisingly, has not asked about his "counseling appointment." I have decided that he can make those efforts on his own. I have had to seek out the help I needed on my own, even at times against the advice of others. I have mentioned several times in conversations over the past two days that he needs help, but he has simply laughed off my comments and changed the subject. Again, that nagging feeling of being manipulated surfaces.