Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sex

Thats right, todays blog is about sex. Perhaps some of my blogging friends can help me understand men.....bruhahaha. Not likely, but this is what is on the brain, so this is what you get. Lucky you.

Then entire time I was married my sex life confused me. I had a high sex drive at the time, or at least I thought I did....simply because my ex wasn't all that into the act. Once a month and the man was good to go. It wasnt a cage rattling experience or intimate by any means. It was a constant state of aggravation for me the entire time. Five whole minutes and it was over until next month. Needless to say it left me feeling unwanted, undesirable and at best, his friend. I dont recall many times it wasnt just plain awkward. I mean a hole in the fence could have provided him with that much. He had a vasectomy after our third child. Part of being neutered included.....you have to expel "the good stuff" before it is safe to not get pregnant. The doctor told him at least 15 times. I recall a day in my frustrated state that he flatly told me that he was on number 10. WHAT? I asked him point blank why I was not included in any of these rendevous. How can you be in the same house with a man that will not touch you, yet he is expelling himself 10 times in a matter of weeks!!! ALONE! And WHY? I came to the conclusion that he liked himself better than me. I wanted more sex, he knew that. We had counseling sessions and he told the counselor that he "just didnt think about it". It had nothing to do with men, he just didnt think about it??? Obiously he just wasnt thinking about ME. He preferred intimate encounters ALONE. Freak.

Fast forward to after our separation. I met MRLI and he had (and still has) the sex drive of a rabbit. One of the things I liked about him was that he was intimate. He loves to cuddle, loves affection in any form....never pushes me away for "hanging on him" during a hug. It made me feel desirable, wanted. We could lay wrapped in each others arms the entire night without moving. It was comforting, I was finally desired. Our mutual need for affection turned into major lust. We couldnt be around each other for long without feeling completely lustful. We had a magic, a physical connection that neither of us had ever had with anyone else. Chemistry.
I say HAD because I have somehow dropped out of that equation. Changes in meds, none of which have ever done anything but either kill my sex drive completley or leave me too drained to want to participate, have greatly affected this connection.

Sunday night when I got home from my big trip he was all over me. I felt pretty drained from the lack of sleep, so I told him after a restful night I would be more likely to want to participate. Monday night I found myself still tired, so tired that at 8 pm I was cuddling on the bed with my youngest, and he enters the room.....really pissed off. Of course my reaction was to be pissed that I couldnt sleep when I needed to. Ive always had insomnia and if my body was willing, and my mind is participating.....why is this NOT ALLOWED? That opportunity doesnt present itself very often. So instead of sleeping I did what I normally do when tired.....move. Just keep moving until the "allowed" bedtime. Naturally when we went to bed I was irritated at his childishness, so he knew better than to attempt anything. Jokingly I told him the next morning that "tonights the night".....apparently he looked forward to that all day. I hadnt given it a second thought. It was however "the night", and all was well. The following morning he was all over me again.....does this ever stop? Sheesh, can we still not be in the same room without ripping off all of our clothes???

My daughter brought home a book. I picked it up and started flipping through the pages. The first few chapters and I was hooked. It's a story of shocking abuse....similar to the sotry of Dave Pelzer's. I wish I could think of the name, but regardless, I was peeling back my eyelids as I tried to get through each chapter exhausted. MRLI was annoyed that I took the book to bed, but I couldnt put it down! I fell asleep reading.

This morning came his confession. As he rolled over and once again tried to become intimate (standard morning wake up call) I mumbled in frustration and climbed out of bed. He was visibly irritated, and I honestly didnt know why. Our house has been in chaos. There was my trip, shopping for my daughters weekend ski trip, my sister has been in the hospital for almost two weeks close to death.....Sex simply hasnt crossed my mind. It's nothing personal, but everyone knows I have a one track mind and am not capable of juggling ten things at once without becoming a raging lunatic.

He confessed that he has been pissed about the sex. Pissed because I promised it to him on Monday and was too tired to deliver. (Nevermind that it happened Tuesday!) He was pissed that I mentioned it the following morning and brought a book to bed that night. "You arent serious are you?". Oh yea, he had been annoyed all week about it. Everytime I mention it, he apparently thinks about it ALL DAY, working himself into a frenzy.

Alot has been on the brain as mentioned before. I have also been juggling thoughts of ways to get my daughter a car. Ways to hold her former employer responsible for the environment she worked in. Ways to get myself back into school so my entire future is not in a trailer court. SEX? ..... since its not an immediate need (for me anyway) has taken a back seat. It doesnt occur to me.

I have explained to him numerous times that I am simply not entertained by crawling into bed and feeling a hand creep across the sheet. Or giving a good night kiss to have his tongue shoved down my throat. It feels like a comedy routine and my sex drive thrives off of the spontaneous and unknown. However, since I have no sex drive anymore apparently, it is going to have to be up to him to create these scenarios. Its not as if he is unaware or clueless about how to do that.....we have done it together for 5 years. But please honey......dont crawl into bed, turn out the light, turn on the alarm, kiss me goodnight with a snake tongue and expect me to jump all over you. Its gonna take more effort than that...on the part of the person who is interested.....(sorry its not me!) to get this motor running.

It all takes me back and makes me wonder.....why the hell cant people with similar sex drives attract each other?

Monday, February 06, 2006

Eric the pig




......Its over. (sniff)

The girl time over the weekend was phenomenal. We have not all been together since high school and it was as if we never missed a day. The weekend was packed with giggles and good times.

The party was a smash. Mad was shocked beyond belief. HOWEVER, I have a tip for all you married guys out there....there is absolutely nothing less appealing than a married man pretending he is single because his wife is not present. Sexy is a man who loves and respects his wife and family.

Sometime during the evening our guest star disappeared with the office slut into the ladies room. Yes folks, the office whore and the movie star. I tried ignoring all of the horniness that was becoming more and more evident as people became more and more intoxicated, but I couldnt ignore the fact that this man was hired to entertain my friend, not his own bathroom fantasies. I was disappointed to say the least.

The following morning we went down to breakfast and it wasnt long until our star appeared. Full of himself but talking about his wonderful sons, his wife....and their current attempts at having more children. His antics form the night before kept running through my mind, and while everyone sat at the table enchanted by his stories, I felt sick to my stomach wanting to run. I excused myself from the table and went to shower.

I heard its customary for people of this status to have others arrange for them to have a "companion." God forbid they simply do their job and go home to their families. Of course, he didnt request one....he just tried to find himself a freebie before the night was over. By the time it came to be my turn to sit for a picture and autograph he had wiped his face over the necks and lips of dozens of women, thus this horriffic expression of mine when he started squeezing and pulling me close.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Mad Bash

The pressure is on. The big birthday bash is TOMORROW night. Kinda makes me feel sick in anticipation. I am so not ready. It's semi formal, so my wonderful daughter took me dress shopping, aware that her mom is a complete and total nerd. After hours and hours of trying on dresses and checking out myself in the dressing room mirror......I really wanted to just slit my wrists. Im not used to this weight, even though its been here for over a year now. I cant get used to looking in the mirror and seeing lumps that shouldnt be there. Yea, yea.....put the fork down, I know.

I didnt want black. Black is basic and boring. But it hides the lumps....so black it was. There was a whole debate about wearing pantyhose with open toed shoes that I didnt understand with my cool Californian friend. Someone created the rule that if you have open toed sandals, you mustnt wear panyhose......if you must wear pantyhose, you must wear closed toe shoes. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS? Apparently you are supposed to go bare legged and anything you want jiggle free must be held in with a spandex something or other....Im assuming the new girdle. There are just too many rules for dressing women. There are too many rules to keep us groomed. $100 highlights in my hair and $100 on a dress and then there was the birthday gift. And lets not forget that you cant just pull your old duds out of the closet.....ya gotta have a regular new outfit. Oh and the tenny shoes needed to be replaced at $50. Its a damn good thing I filed my tax return early. I wanted to do the manicure, pedicure thing....maybe a facial as well. Instead, Im wearing pantyhose, taking 4 pairs of shoes to make sure I get it right. If I feel like a dork, I will simply reach in the bag and wallah......I have two giant suitcases full of crap to take for the weekend.

Eric Estrada is the surprise party host. The birthday girl had a crush on him in high school. We all had to write humiliating events that happened in her life so that we can basically roast her at the party. No expenses have been spared. There is a videographer, a photographer to take pictures with Eric, a dj, a limo.

I am so looking forward to seeing my friends again......the snobbiness of the event has my nerves a bit frazzled to say the least. The pajama party on Saturday is much more my speed. My bags are almost packed, my bank account almost drained. I havent left yet, but am already feeling like I forgot something important.

And if things couldnt get better. My best bud from high school and I have booked hair appointments together. Across from our hotel is a salon, so I figured if we look completely out of place in our dorky clothing, we could at least have fabulous up-dos. I am so psyched.