Monday, October 31, 2005

Forever Single

There is a part of me that truly wants to be married again. There is a bigger part of me that knows damn well what a freakish fantasy that is once you are divorced and have children.

My weekend with Mr Live in continued in arguements. I swear the pettiness will be never ending. Im not sure if it is him, or if it is just the bliss of two retards trying to blend families. Some people pull it off without a problem....I obviously will not be one of the fortunate ones.

We arranged our visitations so that we had all of the children one weekend and a weekend alone the next. For the most part this doesnt get too far off track and we get a little adult time. At times, having my kids all week and all of them (there are 6) every other weekend makes me feel completley bonkers. I dont complain, this schedule is the best we could hack out.

Occasionally one of his sons doesnt come. He spends the weekend with Grandma or a friend...wherever, we dont refuse him the priviledge of having a life outside visitation. You would think that mine would deserve the very same consideration, but this weekend played out rather badly.....

Each of my children had plans. One had a birthday slumber party, and the other two Halloween parties. This caused a problem for Mr Live In. Just what were HIS children supposed to do? We dont live in the same neighborhood, the children do not have the same friends and never once have I insisted that one of my children accompany his to any function outside of our house. I was baffled at his stupidity, but not willing to make my kids stay home to entertain his.

We drop my daughter off at her birthday party. We are asked to stay for cake and happily oblige. The mom has been my best friend for over 10 years. He sulks, watching his watch and demanding that we leave at 4 so that we can take his children to the matinee. His son gets agitated at me, complaining he is bored. He is being fed fucking cake and is watching a child open gifts and I am getting the leg kick to go.

We take his children to the matinee. They cant sit still. They are 13 and 9, but it's "because they hardly ever get to go to the show" Fuck you, Ive taken them here with you, you idiot. They are up and down several times to the bathroom. (Something he would bitch at me for allowing mine to do) and eating our nachos (a pet peeve of his when I share with my daughter).

He insists on taking me electronics shopping. Again, he is on the trip that he is buying me a birthday present. I tell him that I am not 5, I dont care about birthday presents. He proceeds to tell me that it wasnt fair that all I got for my birthday is flowers. I assure him that it is fine, but he gets persistent. The more persistent be becomes, the more agitated I become. Why is it that you feel like buying me something expensive the day before YOUR birthday and months after my own??? Is this a bargaining ploy because it sure feels like one to me.

Blending families is hard. Its always lopsided......at least in my experience. Both parents feel their children are being cheated and mistreated. Parents become immature imbasils when this happens.

I'm frustrated with him right now to the point that I cannot begin to describe my emotions in this blog. I feel like I want to move as far away from him as possible. I want to run. To not speak to him again. To leave him in his own little world of pettiness and complaining.

I had to tell him that for the first time in a long time I am not apologetic for my actions. There are so many times I feel like I am over reacting, over emotional. He pushes me there, on purpose. Then he stands back and tells everyone that I am crazy when the fireworks start. I would get confused about what happened, it all being so petty and ridiculous. I lose details, cant remember things I did a few days ago. But I seem to be coming out of some of that. I am well aware now that he is worsening my illness at times, and that he too is suffering from a mood disorder.

Who but a freak would ask questions like this:

Why did you withdrawl $20 from the bank account.

Im not sure...that was days ago, but Im sure it was along the lines of cigarettes, etc. I dont go anywhere but work and home.

I understand that. But you went to the ATM at 5:15. Where did you go after that?

Hmm, that was four days ago. I cant really remember. We must have needed somthing from the store.

You went on Wednesday at 5:45. What was that for. You lied to me. You said the bathroom tiles came from child support, but that was the same day you bought the tiles. Did you go to the tile store after you went to the bank?

Err, I cant recall exactly. I was sure it was from child support, but if you have any doubts, I will gladly refund you the $14 for the tiles.

Thats not the point.

I'm not sure what the point is .....

The point is that you spend money and dont remember when or what on.

I wasnt aware that the exact time and date were necessary for your record keeping.

So, what else did you lie about?

At this point I have become a raging lunatic. I ask him how he would like it if I followed him around out of town all week with a microscope up his ass counting every dime he spends and demanding details, right down to the time of purchase.

Good God, this has to be an illness, normal people arent this sick.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Mr Live In Thinks Im Stupid

For the past few weeks, Mr Live In has been in a perpetual state of PMS. I have tolerated it for the most part, everyone gets cranky or feels the need to let it all out and download. Fine with me but the downloading came to a screeching halt today when he came and had lunch with me.

We have lived together for about 6 months. When we combined households we do what most couples do and keep the best of whatever items we have duplicated. Since I had to start over 2 years ago for for everything from a hand towel to a sofa, my stuff was newer and it stayed. We tossed his ratty bath towels, his broken down couch and his little washer and dryer.....gone.

We both have computers and up until today at lunch, I assumed it would just stay that way.

All of the kids have computer games, all of them occasionally surf the internet and with that comes kids downloading things they shouldnt and installing games you would really rather they didnt just leave on there to bog down the necessary programs.

His compter looks better than mine, it is newer. Mine is faster but is looking kinda shoddy from moving it around. Still, it has no operating problems, its just kinda ugly. He is anal about the kids putting anything on his and every weekend he is home he scours the fucker looking for things that shouldnt be there. If he finds something, you hear about it repeatedly throughout the day and are reminded regularly thereafter. I hate it. I hate the "AH-HA" you were into my shit attitude. You are not a crime scene detective asshole, this is a family.

We tried to solve the problem by putting a password on the administrator account and having a kids account that didnt allow for downloading. That worked fairly well until one Saturday morning I had a child at my computer (password free) and his son wanted to play a game on his computer. Dad simply gave him the password and sent him on his way. I was slightly annoyed as I had strict instruciton not to tell anyone the password .... evidently that meant just dont tell MY children. So when he went out of town, I gave it up. Everyone knew it, everyone used it. There have been no downloading complaints in weeks, I was happier it was no longer an issue. That is until my daughter logged onto his computer, typed in the password and he blew up at me for telling her what it was. I assumed it was ok to tell, since he had told his son. Oops. Silly me. I believe in fairness across the board, no special exceptions. Everyone is equal.

So last week I tried to get on his computer to check my mail since someone was at mine playing a game. It had been locked. Nobody mentioned a new password. I knew what he had done. He figured if I was going to be loose lipped, he would lock me out as well. Fine with me. I didnt care.....until today at lunch.

Retarded boyfriend: "We have too much crap, maybe we should get rid of one of the computers."

Me: " Ok, well it would have to be your computer then."

RB: "I have given away enough of my stuff, it is time for you to give up something."

Me: "Fine, just not my computer. I need a computer for kids to do homework and since I have been locked out of yours, but likely wouldnt lock you out of mine, yours will have to go."

RB: "I dont want to get rid of mine."

Me: "You are the one complaining that there is two. Come to think of it, that's all you have done for at least two weeks is complain. I'm not going to have a computer in the house that I have to have your permission to use. Nor will I have one that you feel the need to search for hours to find things that shouldnt be there, only to listen to you bitch for days that someone has touched your shit. I am not into playing this little control freak game you have going on right now and Im am not going to particpate or agree to anything that will promote more of it. "

RB: "I found what I want for my birthday."

Me: "Tell me about it"

RB: " A flat screen tv for me and the house."

That freakish control thing he gets going every so often must be some kind of ego trip. He has always been big on nice birthday gifts for me, so in most cases I would not think twice about giving him whatever he wants. It did surprise me a little that he asked for an $800 present when he bought me flowers and a vase for my birthday. Not to mention the fact that he just bitched at me two nights ago for spending $14 on the bathroom!!! $14!! I re-tiled the floor myslef for $14 and he was mad!!! Of course, I didnt listen then either, I just hung up the phone and left it off the hook. Mature, yea, I know, but like I said before, I'm not into listening to regular rants and complaints. (If he needs to download, he should start blogging)

To try to appease this outlandish request by trying to include "the house" is ridiculous. We cant even share a computer without a fight.

He must think I'm stupid.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Lame Lawsuits

A recovering drug addict in Canada is suing the dealer who allegedly sold her a near-fatal dose of crystal meth. She and her parents are seeking more than $50,000 , plus medical expenses on behalf of the Canadian health-care system.

She had been clean for eight months when she says he used the drug in front of her - causing her to relapse two days before she was scheduled to testify in a sexual assault case.

"I knew my dealer all my life. He was a predator and he manipulated me."

Kinda makes ya wonder why she wanted to keep hanging out, dont it? She even admits she's known the guy since kindergarten. Somewhere during those 15 years or so she might have gotten a clue about him.

He allegedly left her in the throes of an overdose in his home for eight hours without seeking medical assistance.

This isn't a cool thing to do. I'm just not sure that compassion and concern for the well being of others is a concern in the life of a dealer. She made that rather obvious when she called him a manipulative predator. Besides, can't he blame the guy who sold it to him and say he was simply too drug induced to give a shit about her condition? Where is the dealer who sold to the dealer? Should he not be accountable as well? Where does this end? Where does anyone take personal responsibility?

Sort of reminds me of the days when the smokers were suing the tobacco company and the fat people suing McDonalds. Give me a break.

The suit also names the dealers grandmother for allowing her grandson to sell from her home.

The 21-year-old was in a coma for 10 days, and was left with permanent physical ailments in her heart, kidneys and lungs. She came out of the coma with a heart that functions at half the level it used to.

Does this really surprise anyone??? Can she honestly say after being through DRUG REHAB that she was clueless that meth caused heart, liver and kidney problems? Did she miss the class where it was explained that drugs arent always clean and drug dealers aren't always nice?

"The hardest thing to adjust to was being 19 years old and full of energy when all this happened, then waking up on my 20th birthday and feeling like I was 60 years old. I get worn out very fast. In my mind, I think I can do things, but my heart shuts me down."

Kinda like being high. On meth you think you can do things. The concrete slab at the bottom of the building you just tried to fly off of may be what's stopping your heart rather than the overdose.

The suit is reportedly the first of its kind in Canada, though several drug users in the United States have won liability damages from drug dealers under similar circumstances.

Big surprise, eh?

But apparently for lesser offenses - read on:

During a night out at a local bar a woman took the "Stoplight Challenge." Like the colors of its traffic-signal namesake, the drink contained red, yellow and green alcoholic beverages. According to patrons, if the drinker remained standing and did not vomit within 30 minutes, he or she won a prize.

There should have been some indication that this was not a good plan. Part of the game is "IF YOU CAN STILL STAND" ..... clearly indicating that alot of people DON'T. I

The (5'7" 273-pound) 31-year-old woman did not feel so well after the drinking game, and passed out in the car on the way home. Her mother got her inside the house, but the next morning found her dead. An autopsy showed her blood alcohol was .39.

The bartender (and owner) who mixed the concoction was charged with involuntary manslaughter in her death.

Perhaps mom should be sued by the bartender for dragging her daughter's lifeless body into the house and not making her vomit. If you can force someone to drink you can surely force them to vomit, right? By not making her vomit and by not calling paramedics, mom allowed the daughter to die ..... thus passing the responsibility on to to the bartender. I would be pissed. I would sue her.

This crime occurred in Kansas. In Kansas it is a crime to hold drinking games in a bar.

It never occurred to me that I could sue the bartender for all the times I ralphed out the window or on the floormats and had to wash my car. Or for the time that I got arrested for a DUI! That cost me a ton of money. And to think all of those costs could have been recovered by suing the bartender. I wonder if the statute of limitations has expired on that....hmm.

The strangest part about this suit is that they actually listed the recipie for this "deadly concoction" with the news article. I wonder if I could mix it up for the ex.... then sue the news station for giving me the recipie. Shit, then his wife could probably sue me for making him drink it. Damn. I thought I had a get rich quick scheme going for a minute.

I would have listed the ingredients here for you to try at home, but you'd be much better off suing your bartender.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

More Brain Flutter

My 10 year old has a friend that recently shared with her that she is bi-sexual.

10 year olds arent sexual so what the hell does that mean?

Missing Blogger

She's not on my blog list, but I do check in on her blog occasionally. Anyone know what happened to her blog???

100 Reasons why I hate my husband

She posted that she cheated on her ass head husband and then her blog vanished.

Brain Flutter

This morning I spent in total frustration, scanning my brain for a topic for this blog and all the while thinking I'm having another dead head day. You know, the kind where you wake up foggy and stay that way all day. I hate those days. I would rather be dead.

I went to the pdoc and whined about my fatigue again. I bitched about my weight gain, but have actually lost 8 pounds since I saw him last, so I didnt get the much needed sympathy or the diet drugs I wanted. (I almost threatened to get the via the internet as I have in the past, but decided that wasnt a good conversation to have since switching meds) I was in to see him a month or so ago and he decided to put me on Effexor. I wasn't happy about changing meds, but I was in the middle of weaning myself off of Paxil so what the hell. I've got to be on something to get me out of bed in the morning.

Weaning off Paxil sucks but it was worth the hell. I miss my dreams, they were vivid as hell and quite entertaining. The trouble was they were so entertaining that I preferred them to getting out of bed. Weekends I could spend slumbering in bed all day, completely lost and content in the fantasy world and feeling way sorry for anyone who interrupts it. Mr Live in took it personal, not to mention the nasty sexual side effects.

On one pdoc visit I insisted that he come along. The worst part of being medicated is that if you are on the wrong shit and it feels good, you dont care. Thats Paxil for me. Life saving in the beginning, but I am hell on wheels after about 6 months on the drug. So at this appointment he proceeds to whine to the doctor about my lack of a sex drive.

Back up.

After a horrific relationship that landed my ass living in a motel room with 3 kids, no job and a dying father.......I sort of slipped into an emotional coma. My survival instincts were the only thing coming into play. I had to get medicated just to be able to keep moving forward. One minor slip backwards and we could have been living under a bridge.

I became rather agitated that his biggest concern was my lack of a sex drive. Is sex necessary for survival???? Hell no, particularly if you arent having orgasms anymore anyway. Sex is relatively useless without 'em. Its like getting your car engine all warmed up just to turn off the car. Pointless .... not to mention frustrating. I flatly told him his needs could be taken care of in the shower and for now mine would be taken care of with MEDS!

It never fails. As soon as I am completely convinced something is or is not a certain way.......reality bites me in my ass and I am proven wrong. The paxil did improve my anxiety. I could shop on occasion at a busy store and not leave in hysterical frustration that other people dared to shop there on the same day. Assholes. I guess the downsides eventually outweighed my need to shop. I had no sex drive. It was dead, gone, buried......I cringed at the thought of being touched. I went throught he motions for his sake, but was always thankful for the time that I had until I HAD to participate again. Odd since he and I had always had some weird connection that way. Couldnt get around each other for very long before being over come by some urgent need to sneak off and be alone. It was that bad....or good, I should say. I have never had that with another person, ever. Now that was gone. Part of me cared, but the other part was too afraid to migrate from a medicaiton that had been known to help.

He didnt complain about the medication, but did make suggestions that something needed to be added or changed. I was losing my grip. Two years on this stuff and suddenly I am extremely agitated......."blowing a nut" as he so eloquently puts it "over everything." What a charmer I must be to live with. I would run from me, leave me, or at a bare minimum smack me upside the head.

Coming off of it I could see a difference. For the first time in two years I had an orgasm. (INSERT LARGE CHEER HERE) and my sex drive is back in full swing. I am making up for lost time. I had forgotten or been numbed to what that was all about and three weeks off the meds and Im climbing the walls waiting for honey to come home. Grrr.......... They have also doubled my dose, so double the pleasure?

I also have lost the desire to reach into the phone at work and strangle the next caller. But who knows if thats from the recent orgasms or the meds. Wish honey would hurry home so we could find out.

Nobody really needs to know this , so Im not sure why I feel compelled to share. I guess it pales in comparison to the things I have run across blogging today, so what the hell. I start thinking IM ABNORMAL and while I wont post any links or references to the people or material I have seen elsewhere......if you think Im a freak, keep surfing.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

7 Things

Shannin tagged me, so here's the list. I am no longer a tagging virgin.....sniff
7 Things to Do Before I Die
Finish my degree
Visit Holland
Run in the city marathon
See my girls get married
Become a grandma
Get married again (if I know Im dying anyway, but not if Im not!)
Win the lotto
7 Things I Can Do
Dance (Two-Step, Waltz, Polka)
Decorate
Income Taxes (A bit more of an accomplishment before free tax software)
Ignore people that think I'm listening
Be sarcastic
Make up silly songs to sing to my pets (hey, the kids find it amusing)
Garden
7 Things I Can Not Do
Cook (I'm capable but hate it)
Clean the toilet (The thought alone makes me gag)
Brush my tongue without gagging
Bait my own hook
Tolerate obscene scents from the bathroom (another gagger)
Poopie Scoop
Stop Blogging
7 Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex
Big Arms (stuffed into a plain white t-shirt)
Wide Shoulders
Bald Heads
Confidence (not arrogance, I hate that)
Kindness and playfulness to animals and children
Handy Man Skills (tool belts are a turn on)
Protectiveness of family and relationships (Loyalty)
7 Things I Say Most Often
How nice
I love you
I don't remember
Let me guess...."Not Me" did it
Is it time to go home yet??? (at work)
Come cuddle (at home)
I don't feel like it
7 Celebrity Crushes
Vin Deisel (Especially in The Pacifier)
Steve (Jerry Springer show)
Matthew McConaughey
Tim McGraw
Val Kilmer
Mel Gibson
That's only 6, but that's all I got!

Todays Funny

Full Moon Monday

I'm not a fan of Mondays, who is? Sunday nights are sleepless. I develop some abnormal fascination with any program on television to keep me awake. My children have followed suit in this behavior making it necessary for mom to get out of bed at least 5 times to reign them back to their rooms. It's the same evening the dog has had too much to drink and has to be let out 3 times to pee. The same night the cat decides it must have love at 3 am and I wake up to a tongue bath and claws begging for attention. Let's not leave out that its the last evening that honey and I are spending together until the new weekend, so he cannot keep to his own side of the bed, smothering me and rubbing up against me. Yup, the guy is even horny in his sleep. I find that adorable and charming, but all of these things lead to a house of grumpy people every Monday night.

Last night was not alot different. Cranky child at the table, crying over having too much homework and not enough sleep. Overtired child cleaning, mowing lawns, washing windows, being very busy trying to score brownie points with mom to get ungrounded and to not fall asleep and miss what will no doubt be Monday's bad entertainment.

Last year I moved into an OLD neighborhood. The minute I started moving in furniture, here came the neighbors. I'm still not sure if it was to welcome us or to simply be snoopy. In all likelihood it was both. Regardless, the men who saw paint cans and power tools were over there in a flash to see exactly what was being remodeled and how. It was then that I met Bob. I didn't like Bob much, his personality was a bit too forceful. Something about him gave me the willies. Was it the short shorts that a man half his age shouldnt wear in public? Was it the long sleeved shirts that he wore WITH the short shorts that bothered me? Was it the white sun hat that topped off this ensemble that was just too much for me to handle? I dont know. His yard is immaculate and admirable, but I try not to look over there out of fear of catching a glimpse of this get up. It didnt help that the entire neighborhood held a garage sale and this old geezer decided to put Playboy magazines on display with the wife's old knicknacks and the grandkids toys.

So last night as I was taking out the garbage, Bob comes racing across the street. His arms are flailing in the air. I would have thought it to be some sort of dire emergency had he not had such a glowing expression on his face. The man looked ready to piss himself with excitement.

Bob: "Please come over and help me."
Me: "Are you ok is something wrong?"
Bob: "I am expecting an important email at 6 o'clock and I can't get my computer to work right. Something is wrong with the screen. Please come look at it, it's very important."

Cranky child has noticed the commotion and sees the neighbor grab my arm and lead me to his house. She's not liking this. She races home, turns off the stove and is back in a flash, forcing herself into Bob's house to find her mom. She stands protectively behind me as I try to assess what Bob's issues are. (His computer issues anyway.)

Ive done this before with my mother. Somehow that generation wants to be a part of the internet world, but they are totally clueless about simple things such as task bars and regularly click themselves into a computer freeze. Bob simply needed someone to show him how to expand his screen.

But Bob lied to me. He was not expecting an email. His wife was out of town and he was in a chat room. He didnt have computer issues, he had AOL chat room issues. He wanted me to show him how to "whisper" someone in a chat room. He was trying to speak to me in hypothetical questions, which annoyed me and insulted my intelligence, but I just wanted out of his computer room as quickly as possible. After I get it all up and running for him, screen ready to meet his on line lady, he turns to me and says "I sure hope you arent going to tell on me about my love life." Cringing inside I tell him I'm not the least bit interested in his love life. Cranky child is giving me the eye roll. Even at ten she can sense this man is not playing with a full deck and is acting like a slime ball. He's 69 years old, married for 40 some years, in a Christian chat room hooking up with a woman looking for a Godly man. Egads, could this get any worse?

Bob: "Give me your email address and I will send you something"
Me: "I dont really check my mail at home"
Bob: "Come on, it will be fun"
Me: "You live across the street. If you need help again, just knock on the door."
Bob: "Here's the pen, write it down for me"

Cranky Child: "Please stop flirting with my mom. You're married and we are burning dinner"

Reluctantly, I gave him my email address. Fortunately I am switching to a new provider next week
.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Zoey


One of the few reasons I hate being a dog owner

Money Saving 101

I'm always up for money saving tips. I can't keep a dollar in my wallet without knowing there is something out there I forgot that I needed. Don't get me wrong, I can save......I have an account set up at work that I can't touch. Yup, I cant be able to get anywhere near it without tax penalties, early withdrawl fees, and a ton of paperwork being involved. For me, that's a secure investment.

I ran across this article I felt compelled to share on how to save money when you have none.

1. Stash a dollar in a jar every time you do the laundry.
(Aren't the truly poor looking for dollars to DO their laundry?)
(I'm usually the one looking for dollar bills IN my laundry...found two bucks just yesterday...woohoo)

2. Save all your $5 bills in a coffee can.
(I have been so broke that finding $5 in my coat pocket momentarily convinced me I'd won the lottery. A coffee can full of fives and I'd have to take eveyone out for drinks!!!)

Or save all your $20 bills in shoe box.
(Point 1: I dont know about YOU, but I dont have alot of twenties just lying around the house making me wonder what to do with them.)
(Point 2: I want to know who does this so I can break into their house, er, I mean come visit)

3. Cash in your spare change.
(Mr Live In does this and I think it's an adorable trait. He is so obsessed with collecting change that he will trade me change for bills......even when it rips him off!! Isn't that ADORABLE!!!! Just dont ever "borrow" any to wash your car....he does that head spinning, ear piercing yell that is NOT adorable.)

4. Salt away all those little rebates, refunds and reimbursement checks.
(Wait. If you are getting a rebate, you have SPENT money. The only way this strategy really works is if you steal other peoples rebate checks. Just ask the mailman.)

5. Take free money. Now some institutions are offering “spare change” savings plans. Bank of America will round up any purchase you make and deposit the extra change in a savings account for you. For a limited time, they’ll even match your spare change up to $250.
(That would be a nice bonus if the bastards would take me out of Chexsystems and let me have an account!!!!)

6. Even if you love to save, it can be hard to sock away that cash -- unless you let Mother Technology do it for you. Have an automatic transfer set up from checking to savings.
(Hmm, doesnt the REVERSE work here as well??? Mine would simply be flowing in the savings to checking direction)

Play little money games
(Find the Money, Stretch the Money, Honey's Money, Beat the Bank, Speed Charge)

7. Create bank errors in your favor. If you spend $2.16 on coffee, deduct $3 in the check register. Round down your paycheck. A $425 check would become $400 in the check register and the $25 is saved.
(I'm a number nerd. Being unable to balance the checkbook to the penny would make me (more) insane. Honey tried this strategy until I threated to kill him. Hiding money in your checkbook is like setting the alarm clock ahead......I'd just do the math and spend it anyway.)

8. Make a fair trade. Help a neighbor build a fence in exchange for some pocket money. Get together with friends and have a clothes or furniture/house item swap.
(I've seen their stuff and I don't want it. I'd rather keep my day job than build a fence, thanks)

9. Switch from paper to plastic. A surprising number of women are mega-advocates of relying on credit cards as a way of controlling spending. Some get cash back or miles; some just feel handling cash is too risky.
(Either way works for me. Whatever spends is not safe in my posession....period. The only reason credit cards work better is I cant find myself handing it freely to the kids)

10. Divide and conquer. Divide the total amount of your car insurance (or other irregular expense) by 12 and sock away that amount each month so you don't get caught short.
(The insurance company already does this for me to the tune of $500 per month. Sorry folks, but I wouldnt be EATING with that kind of savings plan....next)

11. Buy non-perishables in bulk.
(Ever notice how if you have the ginormous box of cereal everyone loses interest in eating it and you end up throwing it away?)

12. Share the savings. Buy toiletries and such at a warehouse store and divvy the spoils up with friends.
(I have a large family. There is no SHARING)

13. Buy generic instead of brand-name products.
(Been doing this for years. Maybe that's why I have beer money.)

14. Research before you buy. Bargains can be found for any item if you put a little time into finding discount Web sites, clearance centers, warehouse outlets and the like.
(I want it NOW damn it!)

15. Look at the Pottery Barn catalog, shop at Goodwill. You can turn into a masterpiece with a little paint and stain.
(Im a big fan of this one. My house is decorated with refurbished items that look fantastic...plus its a great hobby. The only caution is buying unnecessary items with a vision in mind. Kinda like going to a garage sale and bringing home a fence post. "But honey, it was only $3.")

16. Build it, grow it, make it, cook it yourself. In addition to sewing, making gifts and homemade cards, cooking at home, and baking everything from scratch (saves everything BUT time)

The Dating Scene

I was never really into the dating scene. I have an endless list of why's for this choice. I do, however, have a profile on several of the dating sites. That was more out of a curiosity than a true desire to meet anyone. What is out there? What are people looking for? What am I looking for?

I receive profiles in my email of men that match what I'm supposedly looking for. I still view them on occasion. Not because I am looking for a trade in model, but because I get bored and am often still curious. I have not responded to any of the emails I have received, I've never been neither desperate nor had the money to actually pay the internet to find me a date. However, some of the male profiles are quite interesting or just plain humorous - Like this one:

This guy actually has the AUDACITY to not only be picky about what he is looking for, but posts "SORRY, NO FAT GIRLS!"

You would have to be suicidal to be a skinny chick wallering around the bedsheets with a fella this size. He also posts that he is carrying "A few extra pounds." Sorry bud, but you fall into the enormous category, buy a mirror.

I've never been attracted to fat guys. Although I have to say that a guy with an actual "few extra pounds" is better than the stick man who makes ME feel enormous. I'm in love with Vin Diesel, his bald shiny head, his arms, his thighs. He's like the icon of sexiness to me. (pardon me while I grab my tissue and wipe the drool) There's also the bald guy on Jerry Springer.....Steve. I'm not a big fan of the show, but I do watch it jsut to see if I can get a glimpse of him. If he were to host the show I would likely tape it and keep it forever in the box with my vibra.....never mind.

Anyway, what ever happened to truth in advertising. If this guy wanted to try to con someone into thinking a backstreet boy was "a few extra pounds" he should not have posted the above picture of some fat guy. Yuk to him, and good luck chubby.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Collector

I've always admired the collections of shit that people....well collect. My sister collects cats. She's easy to buy gifts for, because anything with a cat on it gets her all twitterpated and excited. My oldest collects candles, my mother collects anything we give her. I started a collection for her. Not that she asked for it, I just decided one year that she needed a collection. People need "stuff" and I decided she needed to collect Christmas houses. I spent hours painting, and gluing glitter on her collection. She better like it. Ok, she keeps it up year round in her bedroom, but thats what mom's do, so its really hard to say. Oh she also collects gaudy earrings. Yup, she wears em too. The only adult female I know that can pull of wearing light bulbs as Christmas earrings. She wears them well and it's cute. She's easy to buy for.

I don't collect anything. It's always made me feel out of place. (sniff) I have collections, but nothing that I have volunteered to collect. When my children were small my ex and I would take them to the dollar store to buy a Christmas presents. So I do have an entire hutch full of dollar store knicknacks. Nobody touches them, they are invaluable to me. So invaluable that the hutch they are in cost alot more than the entire collection. But nevertheless, not the same thing as my sister's cat crap. Oh sure, I ooed and aahhed about these things, but not because they are painted awkwardly or look unnatural, but because my toddlers hearts and souls went into choosing them just for me.

I also have to mention that my sister collects rabbits. No, not the porcelain ones that sit in a cabinet or on a shelf. The living breathing kind. Yea, she's eclectic all right, or more likely improperly medicated. Her house smells like rabbit shit. Ok, rabit shit has no odor, but rabbits do. That unmistakeable barnyard odor. Everyone knows rabbits breed like crazy, and she does have separate cages for these critters (lined up ever so neatly in her stinky living room) but that's almost a story by itself. The problem is her and her husband are potheads. Every weekend they host parties and get stoned or whacked on shrooms and decide to educate their guests on how rabbits.......ummm, procreate. From what I have heard it is rather humorous. The male rabbit hops on the females back, starts getting jiggy, and at the point or orgasm his entire body stiffens and he ejaculates and falls off the female...stiff and unable to move. (Kinda like the human version of the male rolling over and instantly falling asleep, eh?) This must be quite comical as they now have dozens of rabbits. The fact that some are inbred is apparently irrelevant to a pothead.

Back to the story.

I have never been easy to buy for. I collect (on my own) shoes. It's not exciting, some are simply dust collectors in the bottom of my closet. (Hey a collection breeding a collection, I do collect! er, pass the Paxil) but it's not something others can buy for me. I wouldnt want them to.

Over the past week or so I have realized that I do have a collection. I collect decorations. Yippee and wahoo, but sadly it's true. When Mr Live In gets home this weekend, he too will realize that his love has an addiciton that cannot be controlled. Thank God its only available a few times per year.

A new store opened up here for Halloween. Last night I decided I needed to check it out, afterall the kids do need costumes. I was in the Halloween store for two hours. I am not going to even mention here how much I plunked down to add to my collection.

Last year I decided to host a kids' Halloween party. Since I dont want these beasts running rampant in my house I decorated the garage and the yard and the outside of the house in several hundred dollars worth of lights and scary creatures. My oldest was the DJ and when you have an older sister participating, everything is cool. Her CD's are the bomb. Her presence makes the younger ones feel cool in front of their friends. For an entire evening my children loved each other. It was great. It required little involvement from mom, even better. My idea of entertainment would have been to hand them each a goodie bag for coming and send them home. But we danced to the strobe light and cool music and all was well. They had a great time and I was glad when it was over. No more parties....ever. Until this year.

This year it is the youngest child's turn. It's her party and I cant let her go to school and face her peers with some lame ass party, so we plunked down the credit card at the costume shop and mom had a blast. We stocked up on real looking bugs to freeze in the ice cubes for the punch. Bought a glow in the dark skeleton that is now hanging from a noose in the garage, an obvious suicide victim. There is gel blood on the windows, complete with a cemetary background for the entire garage and ghosts and goblins hanging from rafters. There will be black lighting to make the cobwebs and spiders glow. I had distinct images forming in my mind for all of these things while shopping and could not get my cart full enough of goodies. Ahh, my collection. I only bought two crates of stuff for last years party. I figure in about 5 years I should be able to charge admission for a haunted house. Not a bad investment, I just have to get Mr Live In in the groove of my business plan. So far, I am not having much luck. I was so excited (and obviously delusional) to call him last night and let him in on my latest venture. Im not sure why, but he was not impressed. All I received was some mumbling about my desecrating his sanctuary. So what if you cant open the garage door for a few weeks!! It's all for a higher good.

That's also when I realized that I am not a weirdo for NOT having a collection. He informed me that I was imbalanced (or something) for collecting holiday decorations. The moment he said it, a dark cloud was lifted from my shoulders and I was freed from the bondage of being a non-collector. He may have opened a can of worms unexpectedly. Now that I know what my collection is I must do what other collectors do and collect, right? I dont expect these things for birthdays or other special occasions. An impromptu dead witch might stir up some serious insecurities if given at the wrong moment. But I must go back for the close out sale. Of course, I cannot share with Mr Live In the fact that I maxed out my credit card in that store last night. Hopefully the closeout sale will beat the credit card bill and I will be able to expand on my collection before he realizes what I have done.

Everyone needs a hobby. This one may tempt him to hang ME from the garage rafters. I may have to get back to the store and buy the naughty slut costume before he gets home this weekend. Perhaps then he would be more forgiving. ; )








Monday, October 17, 2005

Weekend From Hell

I'd say my weekend sucked but that would be some kind of massive understatement. So many things went to the shitter that I'm not even sure where to start.

For the past few weeks my house has been battling sickness. One of the joys of the public school system is that there is always something nasty your children unknowingly bring home. So far this month we've had several variations of the flu, strep throat and most recently some flu strain that causes projectile vomiting and the runs. Great eh? Yup, my house smells like sewage.

Friday I took my youngest to work with me. The boss was away, she was only semi-conscious and pretty much slept all day on the couch in the bosses office. Friday night she projectiled all over the white living room carpet. Not good since the only thing she had been willing to eat was some purple juice and barbeque ribs.

Saturday started of better. We had all of the kids, and my baby seemed to be feeling much better. They were outside playing when they all decided to ask for money for candy at the store. She was told she could have some money if she finished her chores. She decided to go play at the park instead.....or so I thought.

I am making my bed when I got a phone call. "Is this K's mom? This is officer....." my heart stopped. My baby, who is 10 has been detained by the police department for shoplifting. I was pissed off and shocked.

Mr Live In's children are unfortunately famous for shoplifting. It's a joke in their family and their family has labeled them. The oldest has stolen money from his mothers wallet on several occasions....even $100 bills. He has had alot of practice in this art since stealing gum as a small child and has simply never stopped. I've never had this problem. I'm not stupid enough to blame anyone, but it generally takes a small amount of coaxing or watching to get a sidekick for this joy ride. A large part of this episode is my fault for allowing her to go with them having this information. That was my stupidity, I totally overestimated my daughters ability to walk away from a bad situation.

I get to the store and I have a hysterical child. Obviously petrified beyond belief that there are two officers there and she is guilty of a crime. I can tell by the look on her face that she thinks I am there to rescue her. That didnt happen. She starts to make excuses, starts to tell on her co-horts but I am angry and am hearing none of that. I only wanted to hear what SHE had done. She had taken two kool-aid packets and put them in her pocket while standing in line waiting for the boy to pay. Meanwhile he had opened a few packets of candy, poured them into his pockets and was shuffling through other items on the shelf. The person at the counter asked them to come over to her at which point the child with experience emptied his pockets and my daughter froze.

My children cannot lie. They suck at it and they may as well not make the effort. A look of guilt comes over their face that is unmistakeable. The clerk saw this look and promptly turned her attention to my child. She emptied her pockets on the counter and the clerk called the police. My Live Ins son leaned over to my daughter and says "They are not here yet, lets make a run for it." "Noooo," she replies, "we will only get into more trouble." Perhaps too many episodes of cops, but apparently this is the moment that her judgement kicked back in. Whew.

I'm glad that the officer's scared her, I'm glad that they treated her badly, and I'm glad that they put the holy fear of God in her little ass. This scenarios is not likely to repeat itself. I made her go back into the store and apologize to the clerk and she is now forbidden to re-enter that store EVER. A bit extreme perhaps, but I can buy my stuff elsewhere, its no big deal. I was slightly annoyed by the officers comment to my hysterical child. "You sure dont look like you are wanting for much wearing Etneas for shoes." What kind of a moron says that to a child? If she WAS in fact needy I seriously doubt it would be Kool Aid on her list of things to steal. This wasnt about need, it was about opportunity and as far as Im concerned once I arrived on the scene it was my turn to handle it the way I choose. Legally they cannot do anything to her. And if they could I would be the one to pay the fine....so just back off now and let me take over. Of course I didnt say anything to the dick head or to her about his stupidity.....the lesson was the important thing.

I was however angry about more than one thing. I was angry that she stole, angry that his children stood by innocently and didnt get blamed for anything....even to the point of having the officer's DEFEND them, when I knew damn well they were also involved. The look of innocence on their faces disturbed me. It was con-ish, obviously there's a problem there. Later on, when questioned by my sweetie about how I was choosing to handle this situation I blew a gasket....letting the cat out of the bag about his kids' involvement. I guess Im still a little pissed, but thankful also that mine was busted and it will not become a habit for her.

Her biggest concern throughtout the whole ordeal is that I would no longer look at her the same, I would no longer trust her and that I would somehow love her differently. We talked in length about how impossible that would be for me.

That was not the end.

His boys were playing a computer game in my oldest daughters room. On her dresser was $200 she had to use to pay her cell phone bill. She went in to shower, returned and there was only $100 left. Her best friend, who is alos known for stealing money, was there. So at this point you have to wonder....Who the hell is responsible when we seem to be harboring so many thieves???????

I made them all sit down. To be fair we stripped searched all of them. We never found it. We suspect the friend, although she adamantly denied it. Saturday was awful. AWFUL.

Sunday was better. My youngest had a school project. Make a house out of any items that nature provides. (Squid if you are reading this, I am NOT open to suggestions) We spent hours putting together a house made of branches, built on stilts. It turned out amazing....and showed my daughter that nothing has changed between us.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Labeled Crazy

I have a personal favorite blog. I have to check it, even though it could get me fired, its not necessarily updated every day, there is just something about it that provides me with a much needed stress relief laugh, even when the poor guy is trying to be serious. Squid Check him out.

So in my hiatus from blogging he asked me basically how a person knows they are crazy, knows they are in need of professional help. I'm gonna try to explain how I came to that realization. Everyone has a different story, everyone has their own experience, this is mine.

My life seemed relatively normal and I knew what I wanted. I had some very strange experiences as a child in my parents home and could not wait to escape the unbalanced unfairness that plauges this family to this day. I was on a mission, I wanted the hell out.

I got married and had a baby. Still things seemed normal. Nothing too unusual. My husband was 12 years older than me, yet I had more focus and had to be the one pushing the make money principal in our home. I pushed him into whatever direction would lead us to the most financial security in my 19 year old mind. I had a part time job as a bookkeeper, and was going to college full time to pursue a business degree. I took care of all of the finances, looking back I really had my shit together. I felt on top of the world, focused and on a mission.

During my junior year of college my sister needed a kidney transplant. I was the lucky one, the closest match. I was willing, went through all of the testing, but a panic button was struck in me when someone told me it may effect my ability to have more children. I wanted one more, it just wasnt time yet. I didnt want to have to deal with the possibility of a strain on my own organs and end up on dialysis for the sake of a child. So we decided to get pregnant and then proceed with the transplant after the baby. I didnt realize then the strain that that would put on my education. I juggled one, why not two.

After her birth I fell into a depression. I lost my focus. I didnt enroll back into school. i didnt have the energy it required to meet all of my responsibilites and since money was becoming a bigger factor since we needed a more spacious house, I pursued my job full time. For months I took her with me. There were daycare nightmare stories I could write a book about. The ensuing chaos created a deep depression. I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. After several months of seeing myself as less motivated, less focused, more emotional and my life seemingly slipping down the tubes, I saw a doctor. It was post partum depression. I was given an anti depressant. Within a week i was having urges to drive off the cliffs on my way to work. It became so clear to me that I chose a different route to work, afraid of myself, afraid of my urges. I stopped taking the medication. I struggled through the depression but never felt the same.

A few months later I found out I was pregnant again. I wasnt happy about it, I burst into tears. It seemed that with each birth I lost IQ points, I lost focus and energy and was becoming something else. I didnt like the change. After her birth I again went back to work, this time seriously struggling with two infants. I couldnt focus at work, I couldnt sleep. My ex was a selfish moron. I would walk the house in a zombie state, unable to so simple tasks, and struggling to take care of the childrens needs while he watched football and handed me all of the repsonsibility. We went to counseling. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep. Up all night with two babies, working full time, my body went into a total revolt. The doctor told him he had to help out, I was suffering from extreme exhaustion, the kind that makes you hallucinate. The one night I told him it was his turn to feed the baby he pulled her from her crib, slammed the cradle into the wall and shoved a bottle in her mouth, obviously quite preturbed he had been bothered. I took over and never asked him again.

My baby was around three months old. I got up one Saturday to wash clothes. Hubby comfortable in his lazy ass spot on the couch with football. I went into the laundry room and burst into tears. I couldnt remember how to sort clothes. I sat onthe floor crying for several minutes, unsure what to do and panicked that this should be automatic. I went up to try to explain to him my frustration. He patted me on the head and told me to go take a nap. I went upstairs, kissed my children and took an entire bottle of Excedrin PM. I then laid down for my nap.

Within 45 minutes my body went numb. It felt good to be relaxed but with that came the realization that I wasnt going to see the children I could hear playing in the next room again. They would find their mother dead. i couldnt do that. I went into the bathroom and tried to force myself to vomit. I then found the ex and told him what I had done. He called an ambulance. Lucky me a police officer that showed up was a guy I went to school with. Could this get any more humiliating?

After days in the hospital, I was put on an anti depressant and sent home. Within a few weeks I felt much better, and was feeling back on track. i had new ideas, many inspirations, I was a genius. I plugged away at work earning a promotion and a large raise. It seemed I was back in the game. I was so over confident that I needed more and more stimulus. I stopped going home after work and started hanging out in the bars. Dancinga all night, meeting new people. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing, even when I showed up at work once still drunk, wearing last nights clothes.

The trouble went on. A DUI, and legal problems that I wont get into on this blog. My life became a nightmare but in my mind nothing was wrong. I was diagnosed bi-polar. i was in a major manic state and wreaking havoc on my family, risking jail and was fairly oblivious to the entire thing. At the time of my diagnosis everything was so far out of whach that in my report the therapist suspected I may be exaggerating my symptoms. Funny, because i was actually downplaying them slightly out of fear they would lock me up!

I guess the bottom line and the short version would have been much easier. When you are unable to function, when others notice changes in you, when your life is falling apart without a rational explanation......there could likely be a chemical imbalance going on.

I havent ever been the same. Im still unable to focus to my potential, my creativity has its ups and downs. I do not function in the same way that other people do. I suffer from constant exhaustion, I dont enjoy things I used to and find myself going through the motions of what I know I should be doing on a daily basis.

Im on a new drug. It has slowed the mania and stopped the majority of the madness. Im more emotional, which Im not happy about, but I cant just keep numbing life's pain.

Its difficult being on drugs. You arent yourself, which in a sense is what you want, but you dont want to be so different that you dont recognize yourself. You just want the crazy symptoms gone. I want the old me back, but its been 10 years and I think shes dead. (smile)