Wed Rant

My mood has improved since my last post. I refused to rant more yesterday, so if there is a double dose here today and you dont want to read it.................dont.

Lately I should call this blog "my annoying co-worker" blog. I dont know. I like the girl, I truly do, but apparently my edginess has left me slightly intolerant of her normal babble.

Im not much of a people person. Thats right, I probably wouldnt like you.....or at least choose to spend extended amounts of time with you. There are times that I wish I was more sociable, but more often than not I am content on my own little planet feeding my own little ego and my vast variety of housepets who's company I am beginning to prefer to any humans. My biggest problem is caring about what people say. Most of the time I just hear blah, blah, blah and to be honest when I dont hear that, I am often sorry about the things I allow others to plant in my brain. It has to come out, and if you read this, it will be like a tiny mocro-chip being implanted into yours brain. At least it will be gone from mine.

Coworker has met several guys on line. She has a horrendous crush on one that she met last week and now that is her only topic of conversation. No wait......we did do lunch together last week and had an adult conversation......one where we both could relate. It is time for her 6 month evaluation adn possible raise. Her question to me was how much she should ask for. I couldnt really answer that for her. We are in separate departments and while I do know that she requires alot of help and has several questions about tasks that are absolutely imperative to understanding her role, Im not exactly the one to judge what she has learned here in the past 6 months. Was she even more stupid then?

I wouldnt give her a raise. If I were her supervisor she would be here for another 6 months and then re-evaluated. If you need assistance from me to figure out how to run your own reports and ask me to do it for you.......I would say you are stupid and need more training. Not to mention fearful of your own position.

My job has allowed very little training. Thank God I have already worked the industry so I am aware of alot of what goes on and understand the process to a large degree. It is also not in my basic makeup to wait for someone to tell me to do something or to wait around while my boss in on maternity leave and have a stack of questions for her when she returns. I can and will figure it out myself. The greatest compliment i have received since I started here was how impressed she was that I was willing to "take the bull by the horns" and get things done. I liked that. Comments like that make me think I have a valid reason for asking for a raise when it is review time. I dont need a sitter, dont want one. I will figure it out, make sure it is right and you can simply show your appreciation by saying nice things to me and giving me nice paychecks. Its a great arrangement. Not so in her case. She is always tired, always sore, always saying "I dont feel like working today" and then trying to call me into her office to show me more photos of this and that guy. I am to the point where I just say no. All the time. OTherwise I feel I will get sucked into that little world of make believe and my work mantra will become "I dont know"

So for 20 minutes this morning I listened to her ramble about her hour spent with Mr On Line last night. Great, I was truly interested in the SHORT VERSION of that event. Where she goes so terribly wrong is repeating herself.....repeatedly!!!! (hehe) Its like a mantra "I like him so much" "I like him so much" Do people not realize that every thought they have does not need to be verbalized at that moment in time. Particularly if the thought is obsessive????? That is a habit that has always annoyed me. It probably goes along with the fact that the majority of the time I am not listening, maybe others feel the need to help drive the information home for me. But when it does register and registers more than one time........my skin crawls. So as she stood at my desk, childishly knocking my pencils and pens from their places, flicking paper clips randomly around my desk.....I am proud to say that although I felt an overwhelming urge to slap her - I resisted the temptation.

I think I developed this hatred for repetition from MRLI. He has the same habit, although frequently he will re-arrange the wording so that it isnt the exact same sentence. I still hate it. I used to ask him if he repeated himself and reworded his sentences just to hear himself babble or if he actually thought I was so stupid I didnt get the first version. I found he wasnt really receptive to my sarcasm, it generally would cause a ridiculous arguement about how the sentence may sound the same - but it had a different intended meeting. At which point, if I were my obsessive co-worker, I would begin my own rant of "SHUT UP" "SHUT UP" because I also have no desire to entertain any sort of arguement, particulalry one that ends in nothing but my desire to throttle someone.

Thank God for the holidays. I hope you all find wonderful things in your life to be thankful for. I personally am thankful I will not be here even if my paycheck will suck in return. Im not a big fan of this time of year and all of its commercialism and greed. I hate shopping to Christmas music and while I love my extended family, there is a reason I dont spend anything but holidays with them. I miss my dad and wish he was still here to keep the rest of them seeming a bit more sane to me. My mother is great, but she thinks the entire family needs to be together - sheesh. :)

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Pissy Pants

Ohhh, apparently sleeping my entire weekend was not enough. I have to sit here at my desk and do the head bob as well. Lovely. I hate days that feel like you left your brain somewhere else and while I try downing as many pots of coffee as my kidneys will allow - the only thing I am accomplishing is restocking the bathroom with fresh toilet paper.

Ive been finding everything about life completely annoying for the past four or five days. I SAW the guy in the shop take the last of the coffee in the breakroom and not make a new pot. I saw him weasel out of the breakroom as if he had not just committed a cardinal sin. Everyone knows that rule. How hard is it for the lazy slob to just make a fresh pot anyway? You take it, you make it - you're momma doesnt work here and neither does your wife.

I love my job. Truly. But my coworkers I am finding rather annoying. The girl upstairs who insists on telling me every dumb detail of her weekend, who keeps insisting that I come up to her office to view the picture of the latest guy she has met on line. I know theses types. Truly they dont want my damn opinion on whether or not he is cute, looks like he would be funny, etc. etc. They just want to share something I dont give two shits about and want a lame excuse to drag me into their world of drama. I prefer to earn my paycheck - with the exception of the occasional blog here and there and the occasional need to disctract myself and group by reading the news. My work must get done. And no, Im not interested in sharing my lunch hour with you today so that you can fill me in on more mindless drivel. Its the same conversation over and over and honestly I dont think I look so stupid you need to tell me twice. Oh wait, did you realize I was not listening? That does not mean I will be any more interested the second time around. That is my kind way of saying shut up. k? When I ask you how your weekend was, please keep it to a three sentence minimum. I give you that respect. Do you have any idea what I did all weekend?????? Hmmmm, no. Why is that? Because I dont spend the first hour of work time rehashing my conversations with everyone to you!! Do I think you would give a shit? No. Please have the same consideration. If you get past three sentences and see that we are no longer making eye contact or that I am answering my email......please excuse yourself up to your office and do your job. That is the real reason we came here. If you need a signal, such as me clearing my voice when I am ready for you to shut up......I will be happy to oblige. The only exception to the three sentence rule is on days like today where I fully admit that I am operating in complete bitch mode. If I tell you that, it means a simple "Good morning" is all I want to hear from you. And until you drag a real life stud into your office, please dont call me up there on your fantasies. Thanks.

Tuesday

Well I didnt say I'd be back EVERYDAY. I figured I could keep up on this blog but it turns out...IM A QUITTER. Yea, thats right. Quit the blog AND quit smoking. Woohoo!!!! Last day of smoking was August 1. Well that was until last week. Apparently there are some things that are going to be a struggle for me to give up. But, if I keep working on them, pretty soon I will be perfect. Well maybe not perfect, but I will smell better and that has to mean something to someone!!

MRLI have been in counseling!!!! I told him either a counselor or the newspaper (for apartment hunting). That, needless to say, has been interesting. The first few sessions were rather heated. Apparently I am some over protective momma bear. Well, name a single mother who isnt. It's not too much to ask another person to just leave your kids alone is it? I mean, I dont interfere with HIS parenting, he can back off on mine. Im capable afterall. Ya think? Sheesh.

So I took up a new hobby - saltwater aquariums. It started out as a birthday gift that has steam rolled into a complete and total fascination for me. See my babies????? Ok, well I will show them to you just as soon as blogger decides I can add photos. Whats up with that???

Im back

Temporarily or whatever, I dont know. I just thought ti might be nice to stop and say hi to all the folks I have been dogging for the past 6 months. (Yea, like they remember me right!)

I left my old job. Not that I didnt like it, I did, but it just felt like nothingness. No credit for bustin my hiney for them for a few years, no nothing. I got called into the bosses office for somewhat of a review and was simply told I was getting an increase in pay. I did however get a reprimand for having a tiff in the office. That is a whole other story that basically boils down to my refusal to be treated like a child.

During my "tiff" I fired off resumes and the calls started coming in. I also got a call from a former colleague who went to work for our competitor. That is the position I ended up taking. A rather nice salary increase, and alot less responsibility. My former boss hired 2 girls to take my place. Needless to say I was slightly disgusted to learn they were paying one of my replacements almost the same as they had paid me. Although they threw me a little party with cake and flowers, I felt totally confident about this new change.

So here I am at my new job, screwing off and saying hi to all my old blogger friends. Keep in touch, Ill be checking in and out!

Sick

The flu from hell has been in my house. How much snot can one head contain? It seems to multiply as you blow. Ive managed to work, last week praying for death instead. Yea, I suffered....alot. I start feeling a little better and BAM, exhaustion sets in.

The shittiest part abut this damn crap is the fatigue. I can survive the aches and pains and the box after box of tissue.....but being tired all the time is making me fucking depressed. A vicious circle. Exhausted = depressed. Depressed = exhausted. After awhile its hard to tell which is which. Am I still physically sick or am I just so depressed I cant function anymore!!!

Who can sleep as many hours as I do and still daydream about naps and sleeping all weekend. For shits sake I fell asleep yesterday at the dentist.....without gas!!! Thats right, doc has my mouth numb, yet pried open to the point of pain and instead of my normal feelings of terror .... I fell asleep!!! How can that happen? How do you have drills circling your head, suction equipment picking up your drool and ya just simply doze off as if you are watchin tv!!!

Effexor has been a wonder drug for my mania....but maybe I am cycling again and Im in that lovely depressed state. My brain has taken yet another hiatus and I am worthless at work. Cant even remember phone calls I made yesterday to customers. Cant cook very often because Im so damn fatigued. i can sleep all night and still sleep all day. I cant get rested!!! Lifes not about waiting for your next NAP.....I have things to do!

Sex

Thats right, todays blog is about sex. Perhaps some of my blogging friends can help me understand men.....bruhahaha. Not likely, but this is what is on the brain, so this is what you get. Lucky you.

Then entire time I was married my sex life confused me. I had a high sex drive at the time, or at least I thought I did....simply because my ex wasn't all that into the act. Once a month and the man was good to go. It wasnt a cage rattling experience or intimate by any means. It was a constant state of aggravation for me the entire time. Five whole minutes and it was over until next month. Needless to say it left me feeling unwanted, undesirable and at best, his friend. I dont recall many times it wasnt just plain awkward. I mean a hole in the fence could have provided him with that much. He had a vasectomy after our third child. Part of being neutered included.....you have to expel "the good stuff" before it is safe to not get pregnant. The doctor told him at least 15 times. I recall a day in my frustrated state that he flatly told me that he was on number 10. WHAT? I asked him point blank why I was not included in any of these rendevous. How can you be in the same house with a man that will not touch you, yet he is expelling himself 10 times in a matter of weeks!!! ALONE! And WHY? I came to the conclusion that he liked himself better than me. I wanted more sex, he knew that. We had counseling sessions and he told the counselor that he "just didnt think about it". It had nothing to do with men, he just didnt think about it??? Obiously he just wasnt thinking about ME. He preferred intimate encounters ALONE. Freak.

Fast forward to after our separation. I met MRLI and he had (and still has) the sex drive of a rabbit. One of the things I liked about him was that he was intimate. He loves to cuddle, loves affection in any form....never pushes me away for "hanging on him" during a hug. It made me feel desirable, wanted. We could lay wrapped in each others arms the entire night without moving. It was comforting, I was finally desired. Our mutual need for affection turned into major lust. We couldnt be around each other for long without feeling completely lustful. We had a magic, a physical connection that neither of us had ever had with anyone else. Chemistry.
I say HAD because I have somehow dropped out of that equation. Changes in meds, none of which have ever done anything but either kill my sex drive completley or leave me too drained to want to participate, have greatly affected this connection.

Sunday night when I got home from my big trip he was all over me. I felt pretty drained from the lack of sleep, so I told him after a restful night I would be more likely to want to participate. Monday night I found myself still tired, so tired that at 8 pm I was cuddling on the bed with my youngest, and he enters the room.....really pissed off. Of course my reaction was to be pissed that I couldnt sleep when I needed to. Ive always had insomnia and if my body was willing, and my mind is participating.....why is this NOT ALLOWED? That opportunity doesnt present itself very often. So instead of sleeping I did what I normally do when tired.....move. Just keep moving until the "allowed" bedtime. Naturally when we went to bed I was irritated at his childishness, so he knew better than to attempt anything. Jokingly I told him the next morning that "tonights the night".....apparently he looked forward to that all day. I hadnt given it a second thought. It was however "the night", and all was well. The following morning he was all over me again.....does this ever stop? Sheesh, can we still not be in the same room without ripping off all of our clothes???

My daughter brought home a book. I picked it up and started flipping through the pages. The first few chapters and I was hooked. It's a story of shocking abuse....similar to the sotry of Dave Pelzer's. I wish I could think of the name, but regardless, I was peeling back my eyelids as I tried to get through each chapter exhausted. MRLI was annoyed that I took the book to bed, but I couldnt put it down! I fell asleep reading.

This morning came his confession. As he rolled over and once again tried to become intimate (standard morning wake up call) I mumbled in frustration and climbed out of bed. He was visibly irritated, and I honestly didnt know why. Our house has been in chaos. There was my trip, shopping for my daughters weekend ski trip, my sister has been in the hospital for almost two weeks close to death.....Sex simply hasnt crossed my mind. It's nothing personal, but everyone knows I have a one track mind and am not capable of juggling ten things at once without becoming a raging lunatic.

He confessed that he has been pissed about the sex. Pissed because I promised it to him on Monday and was too tired to deliver. (Nevermind that it happened Tuesday!) He was pissed that I mentioned it the following morning and brought a book to bed that night. "You arent serious are you?". Oh yea, he had been annoyed all week about it. Everytime I mention it, he apparently thinks about it ALL DAY, working himself into a frenzy.

Alot has been on the brain as mentioned before. I have also been juggling thoughts of ways to get my daughter a car. Ways to hold her former employer responsible for the environment she worked in. Ways to get myself back into school so my entire future is not in a trailer court. SEX? ..... since its not an immediate need (for me anyway) has taken a back seat. It doesnt occur to me.

I have explained to him numerous times that I am simply not entertained by crawling into bed and feeling a hand creep across the sheet. Or giving a good night kiss to have his tongue shoved down my throat. It feels like a comedy routine and my sex drive thrives off of the spontaneous and unknown. However, since I have no sex drive anymore apparently, it is going to have to be up to him to create these scenarios. Its not as if he is unaware or clueless about how to do that.....we have done it together for 5 years. But please honey......dont crawl into bed, turn out the light, turn on the alarm, kiss me goodnight with a snake tongue and expect me to jump all over you. Its gonna take more effort than that...on the part of the person who is interested.....(sorry its not me!) to get this motor running.

It all takes me back and makes me wonder.....why the hell cant people with similar sex drives attract each other?

Eric the pig

......Its over. (sniff)

The girl time over the weekend was phenomenal. We have not all been together since high school and it was as if we never missed a day. The weekend was packed with giggles and good times.

The party was a smash. Mad was shocked beyond belief. HOWEVER, I have a tip for all you married guys out there....there is absolutely nothing less appealing than a married man pretending he is single because his wife is not present. Sexy is a man who loves and respects his wife and family.

Sometime during the evening our guest star disappeared with the office slut into the ladies room. Yes folks, the office whore and the movie star. I tried ignoring all of the horniness that was becoming more and more evident as people became more and more intoxicated, but I couldnt ignore the fact that this man was hired to entertain my friend, not his own bathroom fantasies. I was disappointed to say the least.

The following morning we went down to breakfast and it wasnt long until our star appeared. Full of himself but talking about his wonderful sons, his wife....and their current attempts at having more children. His antics form the night before kept running through my mind, and while everyone sat at the table enchanted by his stories, I felt sick to my stomach wanting to run. I excused myself from the table and went to shower.

I heard its customary for people of this status to have others arrange for them to have a "companion." God forbid they simply do their job and go home to their families. Of course, he didnt request one....he just tried to find himself a freebie before the night was over. By the time it came to be my turn to sit for a picture and autograph he had wiped his face over the necks and lips of dozens of women, thus this horriffic expression of mine when he started squeezing and pulling me close.