Bi-Polar Post
I try not to focus on this illness, particularly when it doesnt have its nasty grip around my life messing it up.
For the past 6 months or so I have been intensely manic. Not flying off buildings manic, not strip down to nothing in a bar manic, not even rob a bank manic. But irritable, self-medicating the majority of the time with a slight dose of paranoia and homebody-ness. My manic self soon became obvious to family members and I tried desperately to help them understand what is going on with me in an effort to 1) keep them off my back 2) justify my current lack of normalcy.
I have been feeling the mood shift again for about 2 weeks. Gone are the strange and compulsive desires to drink myself to sleep. Gone is the urge to lock myself in my house and not come out until the demons have passed. Gone is my inability to not be fully focused on my family and not this fucking illness.
I have been lying and telling everyone the reason I dont want to see a doctor is because I have been tracking my moods and want something concrete to hand the doctor. The truth is that WAS the truth, it started out that way, but this illness doesnt allow me to faithfully do much of anything at all, much less track moods.
I lied for two reasons. One Paxil keeps me from the depths of hell and depression and alleviates alot of my social anxiety. 2) the doctor may suggest a mood stabilizer at which point I would have to tell him to get bent....thereby giving my family the distinct impression that I am not willing to do drug therapy. Im not all that willing.During church on Sunday my mom asked my sisters psychiatrist about MY medication. At lunch today she informed me that Paxil was not a treatment for bi-polar. No shit, I knew that. But no matter how much she has tried to convince me that I should take another drug, I havent been real open to any suggestions.
Maybe Im wrong, chances are pretty good that i am since i am rather stubborn about what drugs I will and will not take. Im also a total bitch when it comes to using me as a guinea pig for various drugs. I have a life. I miss alot of it at times due to this shit, I will not let you drug me out of the rest of it.
For the past 6 months or so I have been intensely manic. Not flying off buildings manic, not strip down to nothing in a bar manic, not even rob a bank manic. But irritable, self-medicating the majority of the time with a slight dose of paranoia and homebody-ness. My manic self soon became obvious to family members and I tried desperately to help them understand what is going on with me in an effort to 1) keep them off my back 2) justify my current lack of normalcy.
I have been feeling the mood shift again for about 2 weeks. Gone are the strange and compulsive desires to drink myself to sleep. Gone is the urge to lock myself in my house and not come out until the demons have passed. Gone is my inability to not be fully focused on my family and not this fucking illness.
I have been lying and telling everyone the reason I dont want to see a doctor is because I have been tracking my moods and want something concrete to hand the doctor. The truth is that WAS the truth, it started out that way, but this illness doesnt allow me to faithfully do much of anything at all, much less track moods.
I lied for two reasons. One Paxil keeps me from the depths of hell and depression and alleviates alot of my social anxiety. 2) the doctor may suggest a mood stabilizer at which point I would have to tell him to get bent....thereby giving my family the distinct impression that I am not willing to do drug therapy. Im not all that willing.During church on Sunday my mom asked my sisters psychiatrist about MY medication. At lunch today she informed me that Paxil was not a treatment for bi-polar. No shit, I knew that. But no matter how much she has tried to convince me that I should take another drug, I havent been real open to any suggestions.
Maybe Im wrong, chances are pretty good that i am since i am rather stubborn about what drugs I will and will not take. Im also a total bitch when it comes to using me as a guinea pig for various drugs. I have a life. I miss alot of it at times due to this shit, I will not let you drug me out of the rest of it.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 1:40 PM
11 Comments:
My mom struggled with depression for a long time and nearly had a nervous breakdown from all the medications they tried on her, so I understand where you're coming from...
i totally feel you....i emailed part of this to my husband....maybe it will make more sense to him coming from someone else....i swear he thinks i make half this shit up....
it is nice to know i am not completely alone in this.
Take care
I can feel your pain gigglez. I take neurontin for my mood stabilizer & although I take 1800 mg, i take 1500 mg at bedtime & 300 mg around 5pm. that way, i'm not groggy during the day, but it does its work on me. i don't want to miss out on life either.
If you or anybody you know ever feel up to it, I'd sure love for you to join our netring for bipolar bloggers. there's info on my blog. it just links blogs for people who choose to read, say blogs written by bipolar people. they have em for everything under the son.
anyways, keep writing down how you see things. don't you think that helps us stay sane? i feel like it helps me. keeping in touch w/others that are like me helps me tons.
I was through the same thing until I found a doctor who listened and understood. After some try and error I now do not take stabilizers unless needed. Also for depression have very small dose and it is going to be cut. Also for panic attacks, the meds are going to be cut too. My doc believes meds help you forget your problems and are there for short time only to help you help yourself and must not be continued to the end. Some docs just straight jackets us by chemicals to show that they are doing something. So to find a doc who you like and can talk to even if he doesn't prescribe meds helps.
I could have written that post, were I as talented as you.
aliecat: so sorry to hear that, did she ever get balanced?
shannin: get your honey some literature, whether its a book or just bipolarhappens.com. he needs to get informed so that he can be part of your treatment. My ex was like that as well....that's why he's an ex. We have to have the person we love in our corner, helping us stay balanced....or at least understanding when we arent.
mizzeeyore: what drugs?
jane: Id love to join the ring, ill get to that hopefully sometime today. I do this at work (shhhhh)
oh sorry *slaps forehead* i take 250mg Seroquel and 10mgs Klonopin at night and 150mg and 0.5mg Klonopin in the morning. i once ran completely out of the Klon and was a mess...i was paranoid, shaking like somebody with the DTs, extremely panicky and felt like jumpin out of a window until i got that script and a refill.
hang in there hon and take care of yourself because there is only one YOU!
miz e
Hey there :) Meds are a difficult thing. I am on a mood stabilizer...the first one they tried with me worked, which was a miracle. I am on Lamictal and it works wonders for me....doesnt make me groggy (it kind of did when I first started taking it)...and I dont notice any other side effects. I say give it a shot if youre willing, you may be pleasantly surprized in how much better you feel in general. I know its a pain in the ass and a scary thing. I feel like a guinea pig alot, its frustrating...Ive tried different stuff nearly every 2 months for the past 2 years and finally I think they hit the bullseye. You just have to have hope that it will help. I'd be screwed without meds!!
Hope things get better soon!
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