Good Me \ Bad Me
Inside me there are two beings. Good Me: who is loveable, funny (I think), sarcastic humor, impulsive, wanting to see the world and all it has to offer, wanting close friendhships, wanting to be kind to others and give them everything I can. There is also Bad Me: negative, rude, condescending, disengaged, self centered, cursing like a sailor....the list goes on.
Ever heard the story about the black dog\white dog? I'm not sure it's totally religion oriented but it goes something like this:
Inside everyone there is a white dog. This dog represents the goodness inside of us. Next to the white dog is the black dog. He's evil. His goal is to eat the white dog and then eat you. He's viscious, biting and drawing blood at every opportunity. Whichever dog you feed the most wins the fight. Feed the white dog, you become a better person. Feed the black dog and evil takes over and destroys you.
You would think that feeding the white dog would be the most obvious choice and it is. Doing good and being kind to others follows the basics of life with or without religion. Feeding the black dog often seems fun but as we all know can be quite self destructive.
We feed ourselves on anger, self pity, resentment, revenge......all the favorite foods of the black dog. It's easier at times to feed him than it is the white dog. Sometimes we just arent in the mood to give anything, or feel we dont have anything to give.
My black dog has been winning. I can look back on my posts and see him rearing his ugliness and hatred for my life. Screw him. He may not realize it, but I have also been feeding the white dog. Morsels, I will admit, but food nonetheless. I am feeling better, perhaps the white dog is gaining enough strength to fight back. I miss him, I should be giving him more meat and less potatoes.
Im not speaking so much of my bi-polar as I am my spirituality. There are times I post things and think "What on earth made me feel so vile!" I don't want my life to be short, sarcastic snippets of self pity, regardless of a humorous spin, a sarcastic tone. There was a time in my life that I didnt use those vices. A time where all was at peace between God and I. I want it back. I have felt it slipping since the time I really felt like I had a grip on it. It's like an escalator. You move so slowly downhill that you dont really realize how many floors you have gone down until you take a glance upward.
I post based on my moods. Moods that I am going to have to change if I want more positive, honest posts. Is there a glass-half-full attitude when you are depressed? Usually not.
A regular diet feeding myself positive things may help. Who knows but it certainly cant hurt.
Ever heard the story about the black dog\white dog? I'm not sure it's totally religion oriented but it goes something like this:
Inside everyone there is a white dog. This dog represents the goodness inside of us. Next to the white dog is the black dog. He's evil. His goal is to eat the white dog and then eat you. He's viscious, biting and drawing blood at every opportunity. Whichever dog you feed the most wins the fight. Feed the white dog, you become a better person. Feed the black dog and evil takes over and destroys you.
You would think that feeding the white dog would be the most obvious choice and it is. Doing good and being kind to others follows the basics of life with or without religion. Feeding the black dog often seems fun but as we all know can be quite self destructive.
We feed ourselves on anger, self pity, resentment, revenge......all the favorite foods of the black dog. It's easier at times to feed him than it is the white dog. Sometimes we just arent in the mood to give anything, or feel we dont have anything to give.
My black dog has been winning. I can look back on my posts and see him rearing his ugliness and hatred for my life. Screw him. He may not realize it, but I have also been feeding the white dog. Morsels, I will admit, but food nonetheless. I am feeling better, perhaps the white dog is gaining enough strength to fight back. I miss him, I should be giving him more meat and less potatoes.
Im not speaking so much of my bi-polar as I am my spirituality. There are times I post things and think "What on earth made me feel so vile!" I don't want my life to be short, sarcastic snippets of self pity, regardless of a humorous spin, a sarcastic tone. There was a time in my life that I didnt use those vices. A time where all was at peace between God and I. I want it back. I have felt it slipping since the time I really felt like I had a grip on it. It's like an escalator. You move so slowly downhill that you dont really realize how many floors you have gone down until you take a glance upward.
I post based on my moods. Moods that I am going to have to change if I want more positive, honest posts. Is there a glass-half-full attitude when you are depressed? Usually not.
A regular diet feeding myself positive things may help. Who knows but it certainly cant hurt.
posted by Gigglezngrinz at 3:27 PM
4 Comments:
Wow! What great insight and what a wonderful goal for yourself. I feel like there is a good me and a bad me. Some people I know only see one or the other, my family sees both. I don't see it as a spiritual thing, as I am not spiritual. But, I do find it is a common theme amungst "us". Remember, as you are fighting the black dog, that it is not just spiritual. That it is not your lack of peace with your god. It is also your illness, which you can not fully control. But, hats off to you for your incredible self-discovery and motivation to change! Inspirational, truly.
Take care.
Shannin (looneybindropout.blog-city.com)
We seem to share the spirituality thing, so I'm not going to feel weird about this: Read the 51st Psalm. I pray it often, I think you'll like it if you feel like I do sometimes. David prays for a pure heart and restoration of the joy of his salvation. Its my favorite chapter in the Bible.
I like the black dog / white dog thing. It seems theres damn land mines around that white dog, huh.
Anyway, you arent alone in how you are feeling. I'm there too.
I love Psalms, thank you. There's another verse I love about brining your thoughts into captivity. I think that's so important to exercise since there are days our minds are like a train wreck. This verse I also have saved....oddly enough, it brings me comfort.
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered
in your ledger, each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8
amen sister! altho i'm not bipolar, i also experience the same feelings from time to time. like you, i want those peaceful times back, and i know the only way to do that is to get more in touch with my spirituality more. i've been trying and like that old gospel song says, "please be patient with me, God isnt thru with me yet". we all have a long row to hoe, but God is with us no matter what.
BTW thanks for stopping by my blog. i have started another one called "WTF?" feel free to stop by.
peace blessings and love
mizeeyore
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