UGLY

How do you convince someone who is truly beautiful of that fact?

We had a rough night in our household last night. The two youngest have been at each others throats for months. They used to be like two peas in a pod, but the older one went into junior high this year and you would think that her sister is the spawn of satan now. They cant be near each other without the rest of the room feeling the tension......and last night literally feeling it.

They sat quietly playing a game. I crawled into bed after threatening their lives if they continued any more of their earlier bickering. Within 15 minutes I heard blood curdling screams and thumps and the oldest child interrupted the fight that turned into a physical boxing match. Both were crying, both were hurt and both were sent to bed in separate rooms and grounded from all of their life's enjoyments.

The middle child likes to write. She's natured alot like me, she likes to hold her thoughts, emotions close to herself. But she likes to get them out of her brain by writing them on paper. The note I found really bothered me....still bothers me. Scrawled all over the paper was "I hate me. I am the ugliest thing in the world. I am ugly and smell funny. I am ugly and unwanted. I am ugly and hairy. I am ugly and friendless. I am ugly. I wish I could start over."

She has always been adorable. People have always commented to me and to her how adorable she is. And she's talented. She can write stories, and writes them well. She loves sports, and last year was involved in every opportunity to be involved in every school function and program possible. We ran ourself ragged accommodating these things. She played the violyn, soccer, volleyball...and was very competitive and good at all of them. Middle school was a little different. She joined cross country and quit. She doesnt hang out with any of the kids that she participated in all of these activities with anymore. And for craps sake, she seems to even hate herself now.

I have not had the oppotunity to talk to her about the note. I kept it for reference for our conversation. Ever since PMS kicked in she has been one moodly child. But her lack of self esteem lately really bothers me. She's a gorgeous child and doesnt even recognize it. Worse yet, I didnt know she had these feelings. No one would by being around her.

Anyone have any advice for how to perk up the self esteem of someone who has no reason to hate herslef in the first place?

Christmas Lessons

So Christmas is over.......yippee. And everyone is happy with their gifts. Bigger yippee. Every year I stress out wondering what to get everyone. Apparently I did good.....the only complaint I heard was from my nephew who on Christmas day continued to ask me "Where's my present?" Grrr....

It makes you wonder where on earth to draw the line? Gifts for secret santas at school, gifts for the very special friends, gifts from one kid to the other, gifts from each kid to gramma, gifts from kids to step parents, parents........the cycle in mixed families could go on endlessly. And the reason for the line being drawn at this particular avenue is that ...... well, his mother divorced my brother, and while I still consider him my nephew for all intents and purposes, rarely do we have much contact except during holidays. It's not like I ever get invited to birthdays, even though his mother still lives with my brother. The kids dont play together.......I figured it was just as well within my budget to give them a family gift. Not to mention at 12 years old he is far too old to be following me around whining "where's my present." The parents missed the giving lesson on that one. So I tackled him, smothered his face with kisses, and told him that was all I had for gifts this year.....lovin's. I had to do it twice.......he wasnt as offended as I had thought. (snicker)

MRLI was very sweet all weekend. Considering it was a long weekend, thats quite an accomplishment....he didnt even complain about spending new years with my buddies. The talk my brother in law had with him may have helped some. They work together, and he has noticed an enormous change in his demeanor the past few months. To the point of wanting to quit his job to not be around him anymore. Thats pretty bad. So he told him he's been as ass. He said its due to stress, the same thing I always get, but apparently the point was made that I have not been making shit up.....that everyone has noticed he has taken a turn for the worse. I have been hoping that someone would come forward and mention something, anything to him, so he could take a closer look at himself instead of just being defensive like he does with me.

Things are looking up.

I realized that my emotions have been in a bit of limbo lately. We have been spared the grim reaper in our family this year, but I came across an obit from a school friend that saddened me. I dont know how he died, I havent had contact with him in years, but I was still saddened and affected by the feeling of mortality. We never know how long we have. The clock is always ticking but we have no clue how close we are to the timer going off. I'm not afraid of that concept, but everytime someone I have known dies, I wonder how much time we waste doing things that arent important and hope that when my timer expires that everyone I love knows it. I feel for their family, Ive been through the same.

I also was reading the local paper and realized that my best friend from junior high school was on the front page. It seems her 5 year old daughter has a form of childhood cancer. Ive also lost contact with her. Its amazing how we make choices that make us miserable, while others are afflicted with uncontrollable life circumstances that are far more tragic than anything we can ever imagine. I cant imagine anything in life more painful than a terminally ill child. God bless that family.

I was always taught when you start feeling sorry for yourself, feel free to take a look around. Sometimes I need to be reminded of those lessons, and this Christmas I was.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. How on earth did you make it without my rounds of ranting?? ; )

I've had a ton of things on the brain, much like the rest of you...all of the holiday cheer associated with draining your bank account in an effort to see some smiley faces for a few minutes as the gifts are unwrapped and one present is stashed aside for the next one.

I'm not a big fan of Christmas. I love the lights, the tree...but hate the music, the crowds of people and the general crabbiness of other shoppers. It all defeats the purpose of the season, which used to be to spread cheer but has been reduced to greed and selfishness. Yea, I know you probably havent heard about that stuff, its everywhere, but damn it it's true.

In our family the grim reaper likes to visit during the holidays. We have a sick running joke about who's "number is up" this year. Having a sick brother and sister, it wouldn't be a terrible shock if it were either of them, so you can understand why we all sort of hold our breath and wait for the season to pass. Alot of the traditions we still hang on to for the sake of the kids. It's important they have normal memories rather than the sick ones the rest of us seem to have.

I have alot to be thankful for and that is what I am putting my focus towards this week. Apparently that is why i havent blogged alot....no bitching, no blogging. I have a good job, a roof over my head that is my own, a car thats paid for, my mental health hasnt slipped a gear, and my children are happy, healthy and safe.

This isnt just a place for me to vent. When I havent been writing, I have still been reading, and even without commenting, I still feel the need to catch up on the daily lives of the bloggers I have become attached to. Kinda strange how you can wake up wondering about the life of a complete stranger. I wonder how so-and-so is doing on her meds, how another is doing in treatment, what another has found in the news that he's commenting on today. There are many others, you get the point.

So for all of my attachments, I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS. Now go out and spread some cheer!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

False Generosity

I wanted to post about the pro's and con's of MRLI and this ridiculous relationship, but I realized that the pro's have pretty much dwindled down to his paying bills on time. Small things continously rear their ugly heads and the good things, the things I thought were good about him, have just disappeared and I feel like a sucker.

Before he moved in he was sweet. The things he would to to make me believe that he loved me. The things I missed about him when we were separated before. Things like hiding flowers in grocery bags, thoughtful things he would do to make me feel special. Not buying expensive gifts, just bringing home something small that made me know he was thinking of me while he was gone all week.

Some strange behaviors have amused and confused me lately and i wonder how long the manipulation has been going on and i have been improperly medicated and not noticing. For instance, recently we were discussing Christmas gifts. His work is seasonal so the past few weeks have sucked financially. During this talk he mentioned skipping his truck payment and using the money to contribute to Christmas. I found it to be sort of odd, since skipping bills would ultimately make him insane, even if it was just for a month. Today in the mail he received a letter from the financer of his truck. As a Christmas gift, they are allowing him to sjip his payment interest free. Of course, it also stated "second notice." I chuckled to myself, realizing it was not some act of generosity on his part, but an opporutnity for him to appear to be generous and making a sacrifice....since that is how he portrayed it to me. He never mentioned it to me, not until I brought it up tonight on the phone. He had filled out the paperwork weeks ago, but never once mentioned to me nor the fact that it was a bank offer. I felt slightly manipulated.

The person I thought I loved is disappearing into the shadows. I'm thankful for that, it will make ending things ultimately easier once his true character is brought into full view and I can see it for what it truly is.

Another odd thought....although he cowered back into the house after Saturdays incident I realized that all I really got for his behaviors was excuses, there was never an apology. He was the one to notice first the bruises on my back, never once an apology. He also, not surprisingly, has not asked about his "counseling appointment." I have decided that he can make those efforts on his own. I have had to seek out the help I needed on my own, even at times against the advice of others. I have mentioned several times in conversations over the past two days that he needs help, but he has simply laughed off my comments and changed the subject. Again, that nagging feeling of being manipulated surfaces.

Saturday

Saturday was our great annual company Christmas party. Things that I plan have a tendency to turn to shit for some reason, but I was extremely hopeful about this evening. It had been a very long time since I was even interested in going anywhere, much less expect something fun to happen.

A week ago I mentioned to MRLI that Saturday would be my company dinner. His response "Why do they have to pick a weekend that I have kids?" Hmmm, perhaps if they gave a shit about anyones schedule, they would have consulted me since I work there. That didnt happen, so why would they go a step beyond and ask you? Idiot. So, as any noremal person would expect, I didnt look forward to bringing up the subject again to discuss what arrangements we would make for childcare....until I had to on Friday night. Of course, with his attitude lately being that of a nuclear time bomb, the fireworks began. How dare I tell them at work I will be going without asking him about it. How dare I just assume he could stay home with the kids? (His own kids mind you.....I had made arrangements for mine throughout the week)

As luck would have it, his ex called and she wasnt sending the kids because one had pink eye, another was spending the weekend with his grandmother....so there was only one child to consider. That was simple enough, it was settled. Until he went to pick them up on Saturday and the child with pink eye was also coming. Still, we managed to make arrangements, no matter how frequently he threw tantrums about various things.

I desperately needed a hair cut. I took my middle daughter with me to pick up gifts for the party, get my hair cut, and pick up a few groceries for the night. I was gone too long. I didnt pick out the right stuff for dinner. It was a pre cooked lasagna for the kids, but suddenly cooking time was an issue. I informed him of my intenetion to have a good time, and if he wanted to be a shit head he could stay home with his kids.

Dinner went well. Fabulous food, wine flowing, great conversations, alot of silliness among co workers. Then some of us decided to do a little dancing after dinner so we went to a karaoke bar and sang and danced and had a great time. Still great conversations, no indication of aNy type of problems.

MRLI was first out the door of the bar to go home. I tried catching up to him, but hit a patch of black ice and fell on my toushe in the parking lot. Of course I had a buzz on, so rather than feeling any pain I found it to be humorous. I got into the car, and with laughter said "It was nice of you to wait for me, some stranger just had to help me get off my butt out there." He blew a gasket. He was pissed I hadnt seen him talking to a co-worker earlier in the evening, pissed I hadnt heard other conversations going on among the loud music. He yelled at me for the duration of the ride home.

When we reached home we got onto the porch and he pushed me against the house. Never having been one to tolerate getting knocked around with out a fight, a physical altercation ensued. One that broke my glasses, bruised my back and elbows and pissed me off to no end. He's never hit me, never gotten physical with me really, but my daughter opened the door to see the shove and called the police. I had him escorted out of my house. Since he doesnt have anywhere to go and he couldnt drive, the only place he could be dumped at was his ex-wife's house. She let him sleep on the couch.

Sunday he comes home, wanting to talk. Admitting to having nager issues that he doesnt understand. I listen as he tells me that he knows he has tried to rob me of any joy in my life, that he is aware that he is doing it, but it seems to be impossible for him to control. He gets pissed about things and allows his anger to feed until it becomes this giant monster that has less and less control. He asks me to find him a counselor, he knows he needs help. He doesnt want to live out of a storage unit on weekends, he doesnt have the money to just go rent a place. I feel bad and agree that he has until his income tax return money to show some sign of improvement or he can use that money to get the hell out.

To be continued......

If You Read This, Consider Yourself Tagged

1. Given a homeless guy more than $5? ... Yes

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out? ...Not quite that much, although several times it felt like I did.

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day? ... No, yuk, never. I have no desire to land on Jerry Springer with a string of men who "might be the daddy"

4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back? No way.

5. Dated two people at once? Yes, why not?

6. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before? No

7. Been raped?...Yea

8. Failed more than one class? ...At a time? No....In my life...yup.

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? ...No

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? ...Yes

11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? ...At night, yea.

12. Scuba dived? ..No, the shit underwater scares me.

13. Snorkled? ...No, see number 12.

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? ..Not regularly, but I have been on dates I wouldnt admit to later.

15. Got your stomach pumped from alcohal poisoning? ...No

16. Threw up from alcohol? ...Eww, yea....to this day tequila will shoot right out my nose if I even attempt to drink it. And dont come anywhere near me with a fuzzy navel. (the drink either)

17. Been suspended from school? ....No

18. Kissed someone of the same sex? ...No and I dont want to.

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties? Yup, AND told my date while we were out. ;)

20. Let a guy paint your toenails? ...Havent had any offers, although I do try to convince the men to let me paint theirs. (No takers so far)

21. Met someone famous? ...Yes, but I was drunk so even though I remember telling him he wasnt all that....I cant remember who he was. Some band member.

22. Saved someone's life? ...No

23. Seen someone die? .....Thank God, no.

24. Killed someone? ....No

25. Been in a physical fight? ... Yes, mostly with my ex. (I never won)

26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger than you? ...Older, yea. My ex was 12 years older. (Grosses my kids out now for some reason)

27. Been arrested? ...Yes

28. Spent the night in jail? ...No, the thought terrifies me.

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? ...No, but I have wrecked alot of vehicles.

30. Had sex outside? ....Lots of times

31. Given or gotten road head? ....Lots of times

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? ...Lots of times

33. Had phone sex? ...The point of that would be what? I have had webcam sex though....haha

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene "down there"? ....Uh, no...I have a fetish about dating clean men. Is that odd?

35. Watched the donkey show? ???????

36. Had sex without a condom? ...Yes

37. Had a one night stand? ...I plead the fifth

38. Triple Kissed? ...No

39. Had sex on the beach? just the drink.....I live in Montana people (no beach)

40. Watched porn with someone else? ....Well now, isnt it better that way?

41. Been fired from a job? ...Yea

42. Danced on top of a bar? ...Yea, and entered the contests. (And won bar tabs)

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? Uh, no....my school was a church....how wrong would that have been. Although some deeds were happening in the dark room, I was not involved.

44. Bought a vibrator? ...Yes

45. Been in a porn shop? ....Yes, and had sex in there.

46. Been in a dance competition? ...On the bar? Yea.

47. Had a threesome? No...not interested.

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? ...Yes

49. ODed on a drug? Yes, thats what got me three days in the hospital.

50. Set a burning bag of poo on someone's front door step? No, you wont catch me carrying around poo. Must have been someone else.

Kens Mail

My best friend and I are planning a New years Eve party. Just a little get together of games, kids, movies, popcorn, wine....whatever, we are still in the beginning stages. We have been putting it off since we decided to do one, mainly because the only people in the group who even like each other is her and me. Great, eh? We've had bouts with each others bf's, mainly in defense of each other, and we basically tolerate each others partner for the sake of our friendship. It hasnt been that often that the four of us have gotten together. The few times it did happen, inevitable one couple or the other would end up in a fight. So although we decided several week ago that we wanted to do something, it wasnt until last night that she decided to drop the bomb on her b\f. She claims he was thrilled, looking forward to company.

Today at work I get an email from him. Our conversation is below:

HIM: So I hear you and yours are joining us for a New Years Eve party……..I know R bought some new games as X-mas presents for the kids, and I’m sure we’ll have some wine and “spirits” on tap. Should be fun………..oh, one note though you have leave (Mr Live In) and his (children) elsewhere…….!!!!!

ME: (trying to diffuse what I interpret as being very rude) Im assuming his "charm" has not escaped anyone's attention. R did mention something about black tarps and duct tape. I fully intend to ditch the children, although Im not so sure I will be able to hide from him as successfully. If not, we can always spike his drink (with oh I dunno, arsenic) and he may sleep right through it. I was thinking of game shopping as well. "Chutes and Ladders" is getting rather boring.

HIM: Serious………don’t bring him along…….

What would YOU say?

There were several instances in which Mr Live In and I would get into a fight, or he would publically humiliate me in the company of these friends. However, the same could be said about their relationship. They have displayed their dirty laundry and tempers on more than one occasion while out with us.

Ironically, this past week things have been better with Mr Live In. I dont understand why this viscious cycle continues to reverberate through this relationship and dont know how I can feel things for him one week when he is decent and so intensely hate him the next several weeks while he behaves like a jackass. What the hell? Certainly not love, but what the hell is it? Sickness? Who is feeding off who? Am I really vulnerable enough that he can be a dick until I get sick of it and then he can be nice until he's tired of being nice and I tolerate this? Is that possible? Is it possible that there are times the bipolar monster robs me of feeling anything but anger and hate? And then back to love? Does this monster control my feelings, how I react to things and when? What the hell? Last week I was planning a place to bury his remains...this week I am content. Is it because he is being nicer, afraid he has pushed me too far....or is my perception of his being nice even real?

What do I do with this invitation? I suppose by New Years we will be in a pissing match about something again, and going alone wont be a problem. I feel stupid though, wondering what the hell I do about this party and his being DIS-INVITED. Thats awkward for me, particularly since I know for certain that it is not the idea of my best friend. She wouldnt make me choose, she never has. So who the hell is her b\f to decide who he wants to invite when he isnt even planning this get together. In fact, I know she doesnt even know about the email he sent me. I thought of asking her about it, but decided that could be left for later, shes having a shitty day and I dont plan to add to it.

My brain is swimming in circles.

Stupid Boyfriends & Stupid Criminals

My daughter's boyfriend is not the brightest crayon in the box. She has dated him for over two years now and the longer this relationship goes on, the more I wonder about her future with him. It's scary.

When he was 17 he couldnt get along with his step dad (mostly because he refused to let him be a bum and made him go to church). Yea, he was hard on him, but those were the last of his moments of any type or responsibility. His mother helped him get into an apartment as he worked full time and was finishing up his last year in high school. He would buy my daughter elaborate gifts regularly. I think the most elaborate being a $300 cell phone...alond with a plan that cost him around $100 a month. Needless to say within a few months both his apartment and the cell phones were gone. (Along with his mothers credit as a co-signer).

He was homeless. I tried talking him in to going back home, swallowing his pride and following the rules of his parents home. He refused. He changed jobs repeatedly over the next year. Floating from house to house, my daughter would help him by washing his clothes and since I felt a little sorry for him myself, he ate with us pretty regularly. He bounced from house to house because nobody could squeeze money out of him for rent. It was a no brainer, some of those places were pretty cheap, but still he refused to contribute and dodged the landlords until his stuff was once again on the curb.

His mean step father got a loan for him to get a car. During his roughest periods I would find him outside in the winter, huddled under a blanket in his car in below zero temperatures and invite him on to the couch. I guess I was hoping that if one of my children were ever in that predicament that someone would take pity on them and help them out. He continued to bounce from job to job and I grew more and more frustrated by his irresponsibility.

A few months ago he and a friend decided to move in together. They found the most elaborate apartment they could find...complete with swimming pool, jaccuzzi, weight room, even a mini put-put course. The rent was elaborate as well, but you cant seem to tell a teenager anything, they already know it all. After his friend put down the deposit and the majority of the first months rent, they were in. Soon after dumb boyfriend, after wrecking his car several times (mostly into power poles and cement barriers) he no longer was impressed with these wheels. It broke down. He parked it in a grocery store parking lot and left it there. I repeatedly told him to have it towed before and impound lot was called, but he was too busy doing nothing to bother. His roommate decided to rescue him and buy another car for him. Unbeknownst to anyone else, stupid roommate took out a car title loan on his own vehicle and gave stupid boyfriend the money. Stupid boyfriend purchased a junk vehicle with no working taillights and proceeded to get himself into more trouble by driving it at night, apparently not needing taillights or insurance. Stupid boyfriend was also still paying for the original loan on junker number 1.

By the time rent was due again, they were served with an eviction notice instead. At the same time the car title loan was not paid, so stupid roommate lost his vehicle. Within days, juker two broke down and was not driveable. It currently still sits in a church parking lot awating impound.

Junker one recently disappeared. We assumed that since the loan on it hadnt been paid and it had been abandoned, either the bank found it and re-poed it or an impound lot got its hands on it. Stupid boyfriend was now homeless and had no car-home either. Stupid daughter thought mom would rescue stupid boyfriend again, but instead mean mom directed the idiot to the homeless shelter. My empathy had officially ended. Stupid boyfriend decided that rather that crawl home to his parents he would simply not turn in the keys to the apartment and stay there with nothing but a floor to sleep on while racking up more charges in rent.

My daughter was driving home a few nights ago and took a wrong turn. In a neighbors driveway sat stupid boyfriends car. She stopped and stared, counting the dents and broken windows to be sure it was his. The numbers matched. She was instructed to call the police and take stupid with her over there to identify the car and find out why it was there.

The police escorted the two of them over to the neighbors house. He had gotten the car from his friend Steve. Steve had shown him a bill of sale and was offering to sell him the car. The police objected when they ran the vin number and it belong to stupid boyfriend. They were instructed to move their other car so the police could push the vehicle around the corner to my house. Mean step dad wanted charges pressed for theft.

The police contacted Steve. His lame ass story was that he had stopped to help someone who was working on the car. The person had no idea what was wrong with the car, so Steve offered him $10 since he wanted some parts off of it. It was sold. A done deal. Steve towed it away to his house and then over to a friends. When asked what the seller looked like, Steve responded, "Average height, average weight" and that appeased our police department. It still didnt raise any suspicions that Steve had 8-10 other vehicles in his posession junked out for parts.

My guess is that someone was having an unlucky day or that the good Lord finally showed some mercy to stupid boyfriend. My sneaky hunch is that these morons were planning to part the car out and junk it. Too bad for them that they chose to do so a block from my house. The police said there will be nothing we can do about it if Steve sticks to his story. They know he's lying, but cannot prove otherwise. Do these people not watch CSI????? I'm starting to think that show is total bullshit. The police department around here cannot solve shit the way that they do. Or even solve shit at all.