Good Things After the Bad

Each day has something to cherish, something positive. Some days you have to really look closely to find it, others it stares you in the face - or like today.....it calls you on the phone at work.

One of my best friends from high school will turn 40 in February. I know this because her brother called me to invite me to her bash.

There were three of us in high school. We did everything together. It wasnt until after high school that her and I became really close. After her and I had our first children at the same time. We did alot together after that, she was like a sister to me. Everytime hubby at the time left town, she would come and stay with me. We made Christmas goodies together. Lots of memories. She moved away and got married and had more kids. I had more kids and we vacationed together a few times. I got divorced and that all stopped, but she did come to visit a few months ago and we had dinner together and shared memories.

Her brother was one of my good friends in school as well, it was kinda like a little family. He called today, wanting to fly me and the other friend in for her birthday. We will all be together again, I am psyched.

It is going to be a surprise. The biggest surprise and secret is this. I cant tell anyone but my bog friends, and I gotta unload this information NOW!

In high school my friend had a crush on a famous actor. (Names are being omitted at the moment to protect any invasion of this private info). This actor will be flown in to this bash to read all of the imbarassing memories we will be submitting. Im glad it wasnt anyone I thought was all that, although he was quite hot at the time and alot of my friends had his posters plastered on their walls.

Im going to get busy with my reporting. I have alot on this chick and cant wait to see the look on her face when he reads it all off to her. There will be photos friends. This event will be in February. STAY TUNED

Blood & Cheesesticks

My daughters boyfriend stated the other night that he is in exactly the same spot as he was last year at this time. His life had not changed one iota, he had made no progress in his life whatsoever. That statment has been lingering with me today making my mind swirl around it with my life's comparison.

Mr Live In's parents came for the holiday. His mother was helpful with the cleaning and cooking, this time it was his aunts turn to complain and she did - right down to the salt that we use. I didnt let it bother me much, miserable people complaint non-stop, thats just the nature of their personalities. Whoa is me, I have nothing intelligent to say so I will just sit here and bitch. The food was great, the games we played after dinner were fun.

Mr Live In's son decided to attack my daughter after she objected to his use of her favorite night time stuffed puppy. Knocked her into the coffee table, bruised her arm and this in front of other members of his family who just sat there watching tv as if nothing was happening. His punishment was sitting on the floor in the same room the grown ups were playing games and interacting with them while the other children were expected to go to sleep. No words about the difference between a whallop to your 95 pound brother vs. the 60 pound GIRL you just bashed. No apology, nothing much at all.

The following day, same son pushed his sister and she cut open the bottom of her foot requiring an ER visit and four stitches. I have been noticing lately that the gap that exists between blended families (ie your kid vs. mine) has been the karma involved for stupid dads choices. He did nothing, and the same problem bit him in his own ass rather than mine. Still nothing. In fact, when I pointed out the problem he became angry and yelled at me "Why does it always have to be one persons fault?" Hmm, maybe because that ONE PERSON is always in the vicinity when someone else is bleeding? Ingenious of me to think of it I know, but consider that possibility in your crime solving moron. (Later I over heard him admit to his ex wife that this son had been involved in several fights in the house over the weekend and he was considering giving him away. Brilliant man I tell you, brilliant. Dont discipline him whatever you do, just make stupid comments. Must be genetic.)

Still the next day this same son once again kicked my daughter when she tried to share matchbox cars with the injured child. At that point I threatened to make him sit on the couch at every visitation from now on if he could not keep his limbs to himself. And I loudly gave the "you are a boy and this is a girl" lecture to him (and probably the rest of the house) As toddlers I could see this struggle, but as children between 10 and 12 ? Your excuses for beating on each other just dont wash with me and are not ok. I dont even give a shit who started it. Does anyone else see the difference? Its not really being impartial to my child, shes a scrawny little girl and these are 90-some pound boys!! It seems like obvious math to me, but not to his family. Of course while typing this I can also say that his family fully approves and condones public farting. In fact if you can get a contest going, you are even more of a talent. They are also public beer belchers. Female, male makes no difference. They all fart, blech and hock loogies like competitors. Female loogies? That would have gotten you slapped in my house growing up. Much like my brothers would have been pounded had they laid their hands on a female. Some things just arent acceptable. Those were two biggies. Girls behave like girls, and boys respect the differences.

Sunday wasnt any better. After the company left a friend called and wanted me to go have lunch. We love to sit around and bs while munching on appetizers and coffee. (This would only be our second time in about 5 years...I usually decline to avoid the hassle.) Mr Live In threw a fit. He hates that I spend time with anyone but him. I am either accused of ignoring him on weekends when we have no kids, or of sticking him with all of the responsibility if we do. Its a no-win sitation. While I was gone he filled my teenager full of his shit, blithering about how "fucked up" it was that I went. Juvenile behavior? Absolutely. Typical? Yup, even though we have had a zillion and one conversations about how inappropriate it is to vent to the children. He refused to help my daughter with a car problem because I was out to lunch with my best friend. He pouted when I came home and blithered about how nice it must be for me to get to go out to eat while the rest of them stayed home. (Yea, cheese sticks and finger food was pretty fucking elaborate of us folks.)

Sunday night, after making several rude comments about my weight and my appearance, we climb into bed. He states that the reason he always rolls to my side of the bed is because I weight that side down when I get in. Ok, I have a few extra, but not enough to dent a fucking mattress. He laughs, thinking its a funny hahah, and I tell him to just go to sleep. Within ten minutes he says hes not tired. "Do ya wanna have nookie?" Hmmm, do I wear a sign that says beat me down then fuck me? I think not. I sarcastically decline. This sends him into a speech about how I used to like it and how Im not interested anymore. (Can you imagine???) I know he's not this stupid, that it's just another way for him to place blame on me for something. How do I KNOW he's not that stupid? Friday when he came home he was Mr Loving. Mr I Cant Keep My Hands Off You, even if it just for a hug. Mr I Cant Tell You Enough How Much I Love You. Mr. Come Here, Kiss Me, sit on my lap. Did he get lucky that night? Yup. Did he know that tactic would work? Oh yea. Did I know what he was up to the moment he walked in the door? Of course. But put simply, if you are going to be that nice, that attentive and that caring it's going to throw me off and I will give it up. After all, I have been wishing you would bring out this side more often and am more than happy to reward it.

It's comments like "Looks like I dontaed the rest of my check for groceries this week" that really drive home that we are not a family regardless of our attempts at pretending to be one. He never hugs my children, although his kids hug and kiss on me all the time. Its like breaking his neck to get him to fix the teens car and god forbid spend a fucking dime that didnt come from child support on any of them. I dont see how that makes us a family. Families share. When his son hated his underwear and refused to wear them, I bought him boxers in an attempt to fix the problem. In his mind the children go without while the adults revel in the cash flow because they earned it. I was raised different. Sure the adults had nicer cars, bigger rooms in the house, their own toilet, etc. But I know my mom was just like me. She would have gone without to give to her kids. My kids wear shoes I would never have thought to bought for myself. They get new clothing alot more often than I do. If I have a choice between spending my last $10 on myself or bringing a smile to one of their faces....the choice is an obvious one for me.

I am sick of him. Sick of his controlling antics. Sick of his negative influence in my house. I want him out. I do feel bad that he gave away alot of his shit to move in with me. Maybe my bluntness about not committing should have been a clue.

Pray for me. I need to make the best decision for my house and I know what it is. I have played on this merry-go-round with this guy for over 5 years of my life and like my daughters boyfriend........there has been absolutely no progress.

Shut Up

I think one of the most frustrating things about bipolar is the inability to get your mind to just shut up. I'm sitting here thinking of today's events, as I have frequently throughout the day, and my mind is once again playing ping pong. The balls keep changing, the thoughts incomplete. It's time like this I get quiet and numb. I think it's just mental exhaustion from trying to form a complete thought. My brain seems ot work that way. If I can manage to get my thoughts into some organized fashion, complete sentences, complete thoughts, it quiets the rambling.....or at least narrows it down.

I uese this blog as a diary.....much like I create elaborate spreadsheets at work to put into organization something that makes sense in my mind. It's also a recall for times that I am completely blank....my mind exhausted from the racing thoughts, so exhausted that at times forming a complete, rational sentence is difficult. I hate feeling stupid, I hate looking stupid, and so I have to record things, for recall when I need them. My memory sucks, and no medication seems to be able to correct any of that. I am dumbfounded at times at the conversations I have had, the things I have said and often things I have done that I cannot recall. I hate being reminded by someone things I have said, stupid things I have done and feeling like I wasn't there......usually thinking surely they must be exaggerating.....but also knowing at the same time it is most likely true.

I don't have to drink, or use any other substance for this to happen. My kids get frustrated with me for having to repeatedly ask about specifics of certain things. They are also grateful that I cannot often remember that I have grounded them.

I'm finding Effecxor and alcohol are not so friendly. Not that the warning on the bottle isnt there in giant print for me to see....but with Paxil I could self medicate on top of it and never have a hangover. I could quiet my mind as needed and never suffer the consequence. This is a pro for Effexor, as I'm not real fond of feeling like I need something more......pretty good indicator that what I have isnt working.

I wonder if all bipolar people, medicated or not, experience rapid mood swings under the influence. I remember times I would go out with friends and do the Jeckyl-and-Hyde syndrome......suddenly switch from party girl to raging lunatic bitch.....and never know ahead of time which it would be. It didnt happen often, but when it did.......it was bad. I also wonder if this brain ping pong is something we just have to learn to live with or if there is a drug to quiet the mind without making us feeling retarded.

BEST DAY EVER

Recently I found this classwork assignment in my 5th graders papers. I was touched by the simple things that children remember and reminded how important those little things are:

Best Day Ever

"Last summer I was the only one up and my mom and I were the only people there at my old peach house. My mom was sleeping. I was bored, so I went in my mom's white light room. "Mom," I said. I looked at the clock at it was 9:30 am. "Mom?" My mom turned around to get me and she pulled me in the bed with her. Me and my mom stayed in the bed all day. We talked and played all day. Zowie my dog and Gonzo my cat were there too. When it was lunch time we went out to eat with my sisters. I hope you liked hearing my best day ever."

And during my recent bout of "I'm a crappy mom" I was also touched by another incident from my oldest daughter. She is getting ready for a school dance this weekend. While shopping for her dress she decided to mentally plan her wedding. (She is 17 and things will likely change her choice of partners as well as her fantasy of getting married after graduation....if her mother's prayers are answered....but I did play along for her sake.) "Guess who i am having for a maid of honor for my wedding?" she asks the family during dinner. We went through the list of childhood friends and current friends. Suddenly middle child pipes in "MOM?" She wants ME to be her maid of honor. I sat baffled for a moment and jumped up and hugged her through my tears. If it had been another child I would have chalked it up to my recent bout of illness and someone trying to cheer me up. But this child is not natured that way. I realized of course later that I would be the mother of the bride and dont think maid-of-honor would be appropriate under those circumstances. But I cant say I wasnt touched, deepely touched and felt at that moment like I had been doing a few things right after all for her to feel that way.

I accidentally forgot to take my meds night before last. Yesterday during work I started feeling the withdrawls. This just cant be normal. Effexor works that quickly? Within a half a day I was wishing I were dead. By the time I made it home after work I headed straight for the bathroom and vomited buckets of acid and downed my meds. The dizziness put me out like a light. I awoke to my youngest child putting a blanket over me, caressing my hair and saying "I love you mommy and I will always take care of you."

Ironically, at 4 am this morning I found myself saying similar words to middle child as she became ill and crawled into my bed. This is what families do.....and I can say that caring, truly caring is one thing I have managed to teach them all.

Out of the Darkness

The last few weeks were really hard. Depression hit me straight on like a freight train and I crashed as usual in the path of it's destruction. I'm better now, thankful that the darkness that usually simply creeps around me rushed through the process this time.

A week of abnormal thinking that I couldnt control. A week of arguing with my brain that the thoughts I was having were completely irrational and the tiredness I was feeling was just the funk. Of course the funk included a bout with the flu and some crappy hanger on'er cold that has a death grip on my system. Add to that my female problems and wullah!!! Down for the count. So weak I couldnt function, so tired I could have slept forever.

Part of this last funk was simply my need to beat the hell out of myself for my inability to handle everything. I'm sick, but my brain couldnt care less and continued to banter me about all of the things my body wouldnt allow me to accomplish. Finally Saturday, waking up ill for yet another day, I burst into tears at the thought that I was STILL not well. Listen body, I have shit to do. I'm sick and tired of the bitching going on at me in my head to get things cleaned up and get things re-organized. It's amazing how fast your house can turn into a shit hole when you are sick, single and have kids. Sunday I woke up and was thrilled that all of my symptoms were gone other than a nasty cough. I tore the place apart. It feels good to have things clean and normal again. No more hunting in the laundry baskets for clean underwear, no more sniffing socks to see if they will get you by just one more day. (Just kidding, didnt really do that one....but it was the feeling) Everything is in it's place......ahhhh.

Thank you to those of you who supported me through my pity party and self hatred. You Rock!!! Now, can you please tell me a simple way to get my picture on my damn profile!!! I swear I'm not retarded, "special", "challenged" , nor did I take the short bus to school...... but when I try to do this you sure cant tell!

Wednesday Rants

I look forward to every weekend. I dont know why, since they arent really all they are cracked up to be. I mean, rarely does anything happen that is wonderful.....apparently left to my own doings and schedule, things turn to shit.

My daughters shoes were stolen from the skating rink. These suckers were expensive, they were important to her for that reason.....her first expensive piece of clothing. I dont know how parents can not notice that extra pair of shoes their kid happened to be wearing Saturday morning, but my children informed me that alot of parents dont care. Dont care if their kids are brazen thieves? My kids often tell me that I am utterly clueless, and in that regard I guess I am. I cant imagine being THAT parent. Anyway, it was her only pair of tennis shoes, so she left the skating rink in her socks......crying hysterically. I'm considering planting my ass at the rink and stealing them back if they reappear. Not likely to happen, but there is no other way for me to replace them.

I am thrilled to announce that the teenager has gotten a job!!! Finally, after about three months of unemployment, shes working again!!! She took a job at a fast food place, only out of fear of losing her car. She's incredibly prissy.....afraid or disgusted by dirty hands, dirty clothing, clothing stains....so taking a job where she might have to touch other peoples dirty trays was a little humourous to me. I'm just praying she sticks with it for awhile. Its difficult as a teen to even find a job, much less finding a job every few months.

The middle child was found to be writing a letter to the daughter of my former fiancee. You know, the one who I moved 2,000 miles to marry and ended up instead living in the gutters of Baltimore? Yea, that one. I'm not sure what to think about it. We only lived there for about 9 months. But I started thinking.....overthinking rather. Is it because Mr Live in and I arent married that she is less fascinated with our situation? I mean, if he and I were to marry, would that somehow form more of a security for her? Of course, these are questions I cant ask her. She would simply tell me whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Or if she feared hurting my feelings, she either wouldnt remember or would refuse to say. I guess I just didnt understand why after 3 years she would be writing to her. The kids did sort of eventually fall in love with each other.....after the parents fell out. Maybe it was just because kids want security...they want family. She did love that there were "family dinners" .... at the time I questioned why since they treated us like anything BUT family.

I've been questioning my parenting alot lately. Im thankful for the parents that I had, and I often feel guilty that my kids are forced to have less. I hate it, but I cant change it. I feel like a shitty mom because I dont like to cook, I dont like to clean. The house is either in total disarray or its really clean....rarely is there an in between. We eat whatever we throw together. Nothing like the meals a mom should cook. I do help with homework whenever possible and I do take time off rom work, vacation days, to attend at least one field trip with the kids every year. I guess lately I havent been feeling like much of a mom. I still want someone to cook MY meals and wash MY clothes. Not that that has happened in the last 20 years, but I still want it. Ive even fantasized about the maid\cook thing. Yes, I do need one!!! Can I afford one? Yea, sure. I'm also not providing them with a "together" family. I mean, there are otheres there that we call family.....but isnt it odd that mom wont commit to this???? Am I sending them a signal that he is only allowed partial family rights? I guess my brain has just been stuck on this "I suck as a parent" mantra. I dont want to find out years from now that IM the reason my kids need therapy.

Dad

Days like today make me miss my dad.....terribly.

Mr Live in came home last night. Didn't say much to me. I had bought a few birthday gifts, he found them on the bed, didnt say a word about them until I asked him. Didnt say much else of anything either. Since he bitches regularly, that was probably a good thing. it still felt awkward. No hello, no kiss my ass, nothing. We went to bed and of course he claims to be unable to sleep unless I am cuddling with him. Whatever, he manages all week long out of town. But this morning, as is his usual, he thrusts himself against me and is obviously feeling frisky. Thanks for the conversation, the caring attidue of last night, but NO THANKS. I have to say it did get me out of bed in a hurry. (But not before I farted on his leg....bruhahah) The audacity just kills me.

My daughters car had a flat yesterday. The brakes are squealing. Her dad is a truck driver, only home on weekends, and is a mechanical moron. Oh Im sure he could change a tire, but squeaky brakes would baffle him, I'm sure.

So I ask Mr Live in if he could take her car into the shop today and he went on a rampage about her doing it herself after school. She's 17, utterly clueless. Dickhead. If my dad were here, he would gladly take it in, or fix it himself. Nothing would have made him happier than to feel helpful in that way. AND he never complained about it. Not ever. Not when his dipshit daughter would lock her keys in her car for the umpeenth time, or lost her house keys. Whatever time it was, whatever the issue, he was always there to fix things.

I miss him.

Halloween

One of the joys of living with Mr Live In lately is that he works out of town all week. So there are moments that there is no complaining, no nit-picking and alot less foul language.

Last year we had a Halloween BASH. He wasnt living with me at the time, so the party was a no-expense spared type of ordeal. The kids all invited friends over, rocked out in the garage, complete with decorations, food and a DJ.

This year youngest child wanted a repeat for herself. I managed racking up a few expenses, but started the decorating process a bit too soon. The new kitten tore down the decorations, and the dog gave his input by peeing on them. I wasnt up to repairing the damage and didnt. We did however, have a great turnout and a wonderful party.

It was the first time that the kids were able to go it alone trick-or-treating. This made it nice for me and my best friend. We got to sip hot chocolate in the warmth of the house and laugh at the antics of those running in and out of the house, shoveling candy and cookies in their mouths at breakneck speeds.

Her live in is about as charming as mine at times. He ditched her with his kid to go to the bar and so with all the happenings of late we had a great male bashing session. Her live in doesnt like me and my live in doesnt like her. Its all over silly things, I think mostly male jealousy. We dont let it interfere with our frienship. We've been friends twice as long as we have dated, so we force them into compliance at times so we can hang out. Our kids have grown up together as well, so you would think after so long they would just "get it" that they are stuck with the two of us broads, like it or not. Get over yourself, be an adult and put on your happy face.

Mr Live in will be pissed at the ATM charge for $40 for candy and hot chocolate. But, like I told him.......I will likely always be able to give him new material to bitch about. It would certainly beat continuing to threaten him with taping his rants and hitting play when he walks in the door. I could afford to do it. His birthday was Halloween and he could think of it as his and the family gift. Much less expensive than the big screen tv. Had he not been a total schmuck this past weekend and basically made me feel like I couldnt or didnt want to get of of bed on Sunday......I would have made him the apple crisp he loves, I would have slipped a birthday card and a gift into his luggage. I guess it all goes back to the "you get what you give" saying, and frankly after putting up with his shit all weekend, I had nothing to give. He was fortunate to get the "Hapy Birthday" that I gave him on the phone. Very fortunate.

Is this typical of males? Or do the adults of this species generally make an effort to get along with their mates friends?