On Todays Menu

So not every day is a bipolar day and thank God for that. Today is NOT one of THOSE days and I'm flyin high with my 7 cups of coffee and while I did I forget to take my meds, it's not my fault! I called in the prescription, but Mr Live in is out of town so it hasnt been picked up. His fault. I don't care if he's working out of town, I try my best not to step foot in that place. Wal-mart is the culprit behind all the bitching! Folks cramming the isles with their carts, hogging up all the quick pay lanes and getting downright rude and nasty with each other because they are being herded around like cattle.

If they wouldnt give you 600 shampoos and conditioners to choose from, 45 different kinds of deodorant to pour over and decide on....people could get their crap and get out! If there werent 6,000 types of match box cars, small children would not be crowding the toy isles unattended while their mothers were spending an hour and a half debating on which brand of sanitary napkins to purchase. If people truly want the best buy for their money they should hang out at the dollar store.

I have been with Mr Live In while he debates on the latest brand of body soap or men's hair care products. I have also left his ass standing in the isle and finished my shopping to come back and find him still sniffing....and wanting an opinion. Depending on which phase I am in he either gets my opinion or I grab one of each, throw them in the cart and tell him to shut up. Are there not bigger and better things to do than hang out in a large crowd of people and sniff soap? Apparently not to some.

Admittedly I do this with food. Take me to a restaurant with more than ten things on the menu and it's nothing but trouble. Bring me some cheese sticks because I'm gonna be here awhile. Of course there are two main differences....

1. They do not bring the food out for me to sniff.....thereby making the selection process much more complicated.

2. There are not 1,000 other people hovering around me, banging my ankles with a cart, and bitching or grunting at me for being in their way.

Maybe next time he wants to sniff soap he can drop me off at a restaurant. By the time he gets back I should be ready to order.

Almost The Weekend

Disturbing. I can muddle through the day at work, convinced I'm dying of some illness and need to go home and go to bed. Magically at bed time I'm fully awake and alert and ready to roll. Stupid and frustrating because I know tomorrow the whole process starts over again. Thank God tomorrow is Friday and the weekend comes. The laundry, the yard work, the cleaning of this nasty ol pit.....YIPPEE!!

Pictures

The boss is peeking, but in my rebellion, I'm posting a photo! I'm not smart enuff to get it into my profile! For some odd reason my downloading priveledges here were STRIPPED!!!! (I told them it was the cleaning lady who downloaded poker!!)



And the OTHER beautiful picture is home.

Take my life

I said a prayer today....God help me with this illness. I didn't get too detailed. He's got an eye on me, knows my thoughts, confusions.....He made me this way, I shouldn't have alot of explaining to do, right? .....Guide my search for help in this illness or just take my life. If I am causing psychological damage to my kids and they are going to grow up all messed up because their mom is a pschotic, raging lunatic then please...just take me from them.

I know He knew what He was doing when He gave them to me......I know He knows the future, so I guess now that I am putting this in writing, once again my thoughts make little sense.

Last night was an ugly scene in my house. I asked my daughter to clean up her mess in the garage, she acted like a teenage jerk and said not now thanks. I didn't take the message well. That mess has been eating at me for months and while it is one of the lovely brain swirls I've been having, I haven't exactly communicated to anyone my depth of frustration.

I have discovered that just because I THINK something regularly, that others should, I suppose through mental telepathy, KNOW what to do and how to act. Surprisingly, that's not the case. So when the "creature" came out and the rage started, I again was looked at with four-headed-monster looks from everyone. Once the creature has been released, it refuses to lose its grip on me until I am completely exhausted.

I called my brother for reinforcements. He came over to get the situation straight. Everyone was in a sudden rush to get their rooms clean, pick up the house, and my teenager was in the garage cleaning her monstrous mess before I even got off the phone with him. Why the drama? Why not just do it to begin with? My brother is a big, LOUD fella and nobody ever questions who is in charge when he is around. He barks, people move. Mission accomplished. So why the self inflicted guilt trip? If I could just learn to say "hey that really annoys me", would they listen?

When you have the flu, children often have sudden bursts of energy. They run screaming through the house and toilet paper the car.....likely because the one person who would normally slap them upside the head is unable to get their head out of the toilet. I have been ill for several months and while they haven't toilet papered the car or set the house on fire yet, I have lost control. There are regular bickering matches that can go on until I get out the duct tape or a twelve pack. I have little to no tolerance for arguing. It makes me nuts, it's pointless and someone always ends up with hurt feelings. But lately it's been a battle and bitch fest. Don't ask anyone to do anything or you get attitude and mouth. In this state I refuse to smack anyone for fear that my lunacy will only increase. The rage is out of control. I'm not able to identify where this bottle of junk is coming from, but I do know it doesn't come from them. I adore each one of them.....would give up my life without question or hesitation for any one of them. I just want them to be spared my apparent madness.

So I feel caught in a catch 22 for the moment. I can't get ME under control, so my house in out of control. My house is out of control, thereby exasperating all of my energy, even if it's mostly in thought. The freakish outburts aren't that frequent and thank God I have no problem showing them how much I love them, and they reciproicate.

So I guess by typing this I have come to the conclusion that God knew I could handle this. He knew I was the best person for this job (scary thought). I can't do it without His help so I am hopeful now at the promise of things getting better.

I got an interesting tid bit from the family tree tonight. My grandmother was once caught running down the street naked and apparently "not all there." I have heard several stories like this....what's up with the naked and running thing in this illness anyway? It dumbfounded me that with this information everyone is surprised when I tell them my mental state.

Like most bipolars I am ingenious at times at hiding it, particularly if you don't live with me. Smile when you are sad, use all of your energy just to appear normal. When there's too much irritability, be overly nice to compensate for your desire to choke someone. The trouble lately seems to be that my facade isn't all that great anymore and I want to be able to just say leave me alone, I feel like shit and I'm too damn tired to pretend. I'm tired of holding it all in! I want release! No, not like my grandmother did.......God help me not to let it get that far. Anyone who got a glipse of my running down the street naked and screaming would likely require lifetime therapy.

Nosey Neighbors

I value my privacy. I have never enjoyed people simply popping over for a visit out of the blue unless it is my family. Please call before you come, I may not be up for company.

There are not alot of people that understand me in that way. My mother was always a very soiciable person, making friends all over just being her friendly and sometimes goofy self. People are naturally drawn to her and she to them.

I can be sociable, but for the most part, feeling like I have no control over how long I have to entertain you is very uncomfortable for me. There are days I won't even answer the phone and have trained the kids in the house not to take calls for me. These are usually the same days that my brain decides it will not produce a single intelligible sentence. I'm not very keen on looking like a moron, who is? So I avoid any situation that might put me there.

I was proud of myself on Sunday.....briefly. I took a trip to Wal-Mart, knowing full well that I was in no position to be in public..least not of all i n a crowded store. One wrong move and she could blow!!! : ) But I managed, I did well, unti it was over....THEN I got bitchy. All weekend long the house was full of kids, full of activity and I just felt like the very sound of another child's voice and I would pop. I generally dont get that way, but they were cranky and bickery all weekend and who doesnt that make crabby?

Back to the earlier rant.

I live in a trailer court. The houses are pretty close together and I can feel claustrophobic about it at times. I do have a yard and beautiful garden. I love to sit on the porch and just be outside. It relaxes me. UNTIL......

I have a neighbor that lives a lone. He is a buddhist monk. I enjoy the fact that he is sociable and doesnt just pretend (like I do) that nobody else is around. However, he gets a tad too sociable and I feel my life is being invaded. I cant step out on the porch to do anything, much less wander around my own yard, without his joining me. It makes me crazy. I cant afford a fence to block him out, and Im not sure how to approach any of it without hurting his feelings. Last night he tried to draw me into a conversation and I was rude, sick to death of being bantered over every little thing.

How do you tell a kind a lonely person that their presence is sometimes overwhelming and irritating? I shouldnt have to feel like I have to look out the window to be sure you arent home before I can go outside and not be bothered! He lurks comstantly on my side of his house, even though his front yard and plants are all on the other side.

I hate feeling this way. I truly wish my life was always an open book and my house was a warm inviting place that anyone could enter any time. The problem is I am becoming more and more aware of my moods and needing privacy is imperative to not allowing the world to see when I'm not feeling myself. It's bad enough that I have no desire to leave the house, I would at least like to be able to feel like the yard is is part of my safe haven.

Im ranting, I know it........

Ramblings About Me

1. I like to spend money. Doesn't matter if the stuff is actually necessary, or if I even HAVE the money. It isnt usually even for me so I guess the correct way to say that is I like to spend money on my kids.

2. My deepest desire is to have a family. Since the only thing I can really base that on is the marriage that I had with my ex, I have a tendency to base all relationships on that experience.

3. I'm a slob. I have carpet clothing in my room the majority of the time. It's one extreme to the other. The house is either really clean, or it looks like a tornado just swept through.

4. I hate to make coffee. Stupid, but true. It annoys me to no end to have to make it, even though I need it to start my day.

5. I hate socks. I should live where I can wear sandals year round.

6. I hate bugs. All bugs except rolly-poly's. Anthing else is a freakish threat to me.

7. I dislike dogs, even though I have one. They shit in the yard and ruin the lawn. And slober.

8. I love plants. I kill them, but love to plant them.

9. I have a crappy attitude about men. You just cant trust them. They either just want sex or they are too irritating and clingy to want to be around all the time.

10. I thought I was in love once. Turns out it was just an anxiety attack.

11. I love my boyfriend, even though there are qualities about him that make me want to beat him.

12. I hate to argue and will go to any lengths to avoid one. Unless I am in a mood to pick one.

13. I love to be around funny, sarcastic people. Chronically depressed people drain me and so does constant negativity.

14. I was a daddy's girl. I miss him daily.

15. I avoid emotion.

16. I assume people can read my mind and therefore understand what is going on with my illness. (Bi-polar)

17. There are times sleeping is my only sanity. I have vivd dreams that often I prefer to reality.

18. Cleaning gets me riled up and pissy.

19. Christian pop music soothes me.

20. I refuse to clean the toilet under any circumstances.

21. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or drinking. (Those two things go hand in hand for me)

22. I cant drive worth a crap. I have wrecked numerous vehicles and make everyone riding with me nervous. I cant always concentrate on where I am going while my thoughts are trailing off to never never land. I used to drive to soothe my anxiety.

23. I want to win the lotto and get a plastic surgery makeover.

24. I want to write a book.

25. There are times that the very presence of other people completely annoys me.

26. I have had several panic attacks, some so severe I have blacked out and gotten lost while driving.

27. I moved 2,000 miles for an intenet romance and wound up in the ghettos with my kids and no money.

28. I have an ever supporting boyfriend that is learning to tolerate my stupidities. Sometimes I am convinced that it is his mission in life to drive me insane though.

29. In the deepest darkest moments of my life Jesus Christ was the only thing holding me together and keeping me sane.

30. I had a year long manic phase during my marriage where I drown myself in alcohol and damn near landed myself in prison.

31. I have attempted suicide twice.

32. I suffered severe post-partum depression.

33. I heard voices.......once. Most frightening experience of my life.

34. I dont "cut", but I am a picker. I often wonder if they arent correlated.

35. Sometimes I love to be cuddled and others I cant stand to be touched.

36. There are moments I wish the rest of the world would disappear and leave me alone.

37. There are times I wish I had a large circle of friends to hang out and share life with.

38. I was molested as a child and the molester kept a diary. I was later accused by my mother of being "in on it." I was between 7 and 9.

39. At 12 I was raped by a 28 year old man who had offered me a ride home from the fair.

40. My first crush (and brothers best friend) was killed in a car accident giving me my first experience with death.

41. My brother was killed 2 years later in the same way.

42. My dad died 2 years ago from a brain tumor. He was my connection to the rest of my family.

43. I have a fake blog somewhere else in case people who know me want to read it.

44. I'm cynical and have a tendency to believe strongly that nobody will look out for my genuine interests.

Come & Fill My Heart

Free, I long to be freeI long for the day I'll believe

That all you say you see in me is true

That's hard for me to do

It's hard for me to die to myself

Entrust my life to someone else

So come empty me out

I'm no good without

You inside of me

Come and fill my heart with hope

Come and fill my life with love

Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on

Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long

Come and fill my days with dreams

Empty me of all the empty things

That I hold onto

Come and fill my heart with you

I need you in my life

Need you like the air that I breath

You've become the very heart of me

And I can't believe my eyes

Can't believe the dream that I've found

Lord, your love has turned my world around

So come fill up my heart

'Till I'm like you are

So deep inside of me

Search me, Lord

Try my heart

Come and take me now and make me new

So that all of the world will see you

Overflow in my life

~Avalon~

The Madness of Mania

I have been trying for weeks now to decipher where I am at on this insanity ride and it hit me last night like a ton of bricks.

Monday was my daughters birthday. Not getting paid until Wednesday was a piss point for me this week. I did buy her balloons and a cheesecake and cooked her choice of dinners. She was pleased, I wasnt. Guilt, guilt...... She understands the finance thing. The only one of my children who doesn't ask for things knowing full well I'm broke. The others think I have a secret stash or a money tree.

Last night wehn I got home from work, I knew something was different. I started cleaning house, vacuuming the dogs daily messes with her thrashed toys, looking for something to cook for dinner. I seem to be completely unable to cook with out propane in the barbeque and am too afraid of the stupid thing exploding to just unhook it and go pay to get it filled. Call it a phobia or whatever......but Im afraid to unhook it. I dont want to cook anyway. I cant focus long enough to put a meal together. My mommy mind knows I have to feed the children and my brain starts to scan which fast food joint to hit tonight.

Wait........I stopped to pick up a few groceries before going home and bought a cooked chicken. Problem solved. Chips and dip are also on the menu. And macaroni. I start to boil the water and the kids head out the door to go swimming. The macaroni can wait until they get back so I turn the stove off and proceed to clean more messes.

I have an urgency to call people while I clean. My sister isnt answering her phone. My mother does and I yap at her as she is headed to church. When that conversation is over, I call my ex to bitch at him about child support. Accuse him of yanking my chain as he has been promising to get it caught up and take a loan, whatever is necessary to get it taken care of. I accuse him of lying because it has been two days since we talked about it last and he still hasnt made any effort. Patience? What the hell is that? You want me to WAIT? I am checking the web site several times a day and calling because I think one of them must be wrong. Yesterday I harassed the case worker to do her job and get me my money. Of course she hasnt called back so my mind is playing consipracy theories. Nobody cares that I dont get it except for me and Im pissed about it. I will rant to whoever will listen and kick whoever is necessary to enforce it myself.

Anyway, I get bored ranting at him, assume he is lying anyway and know I am getting no where except more agitated so I get off the phone. Great, the dog decided that the chicken was her dinner and ate everything except the bones. I know I moved it out of her reach, but one of the kids decided to pick at the meat and left it too close to the counter. I'm not angry at the kid, but the dog can spend the night in her kennel. Jerk.

In they come from swimming and I tell my birthday girl we are going shopping. I had told her that pay day I would do that. Off we go. Im more excited than she is and I apparently have the notion that I have just won the lotto. I recognized this urge when I was at the store earlier......loading the shopping cart with food and gardening stuff. They had a sale, better stock up.

We have discussed gifts earlier, but she had called me from the store wanting to spend her birthday money on sheets for her bed. Not a chance, that is something I should be providing, not something you buy with birthday money. We get sheets, a comforter set, a matching pillow (I offer, but she doesnt want more than one).......we head over to the CD's and I tell her to get whatever she wants.....even several. Off to the jewelery department. We buy several charms for her Italian bracelet. She has a nervous look on her face and I ask her what is wrong. She is worried that I dont have the money for all of this. I tell her it's not a problem and assure her that everything is fine........repeatedly.

We get home and within minutes she has cleaned her room and put in all the new things. (Seemed like minutes to me anyway)

Im on the phone again.......telling Mr Live in that he is going to hate me when he gets home, or at least be really pissed and I am not going to be home all weekend because I cant deal with his rantings any more. He has no idea what I am going on about. I tell him that I am severely manic.........I assume he understands what that means....I thought he understood this crap.

He wants me to explain it to him but I cant. Intead I ask him what on earth he thought this illness is. He knows that I have mood swings. I proceed to tell him the various things he does that set me off. I tell him to buy a book. Read it on the internet. I dont know, just dont ask me to explain this right now.

I also have a conversation with my mother. She cries as I proceed to tell her that I am unhappy with our realtionship and wish she understood me better and could see that there were bigger issues in my life than alcohol. Im trying to reach out to her and make her understand and she doesnt get it. So then I am upset. Why doesnt she ever listen to me?

Ok, I get it. Full blown mania. It took all of my effort to get to work this morning. I was pretty sure I was sick, then I was pretty sure that I just couldnt get through the day without someone noticing something was up. Is this paranoia or am I simply not wanting everyone to know ? It's been a very long time since Ive even had to discuss this with anyone close to me, but my behaviors are becoming more and more erratic and its getting harder for me to hide. Yesterday my best friend sent me a notice from the medical leave act.....she thinks I need a vacation. I have to get my stress under control. I dont think time at home is going to cut it. I know I have to get in to see a doctor. It terrifies me to think they are going to give me something to slow this down and at the same time I am terrified of it continuing.

After all of these conversations it was dark and I went outside to mow the lawn. Stupid phone was dead but I need something to occupy me. I cant sit still.

I decide I better go to bed when the lawn is done. I know how easily I crash and burn for days after an episode like this. Physically I exhaust myself and cant get motivated to get simple things done again for days, not to mention the body aches.

My oldest is reading print outs I made about this illness. She confronts me with "Is this what you think is wrong with me?" At first I am dumbfounded and then ask her to read it again. She flatly states that she is nothing like these papers. No, but I am and I head for bed. I awake this morning to a note on the bathroom mirror....."Mom, Im so sorry about last night."

Opinion Poll

I am insanely pissed about a conversation I had with Mr. Live In last night and I would relish in any opinions about this whether I agree with you or not.

Mr Live works out of town all week. Works great for me. The problem lies with this attitude:

"So did Kat sleep with you last night?" (My daughter who is 10.) I tell him yes that she did. She has been a difficult child since birth and has always, always gotten up every night to come and find me even when I make her fall asleep in her own bed. It never fails...she wakes up beside me either in my bed or on the floor. She used to scream in terror afraid to get out of bed to come look for me but wanting my comfort. Thank God that subsided at about age 8 and she started being more considerate about it.

She's an annoyance to her siblings if I leave her up with them, so she generally comes to my room to watch a movie while we fall asleep. If Mr. Live in is home she will wait for us to fall asleep and make herself a bed on the floor next to me.

So this conversation turned into a nasty fight. This man moved into MY house and now has the audacity to tell me that he is going to start locking the door at night because he wants her to stay in her own room period. He bitches regularly about this habit of hers that I have no problems with.

We have had the conversation, multiple arguements, and as long as it's not another man sharing my bed while he is gone I cant imagine why he even takes an interest. Why the hell does he care when he is not there. And to be a jackass and threaten to lock the door ??? Is there an egomanic running lose in my house or what??

If she needs comfort...it is my responsibility as her parent to give it to her!!! Even if it is just a habit, I do not foresee a 15 year old child even wanting to be seen with me in public, much less wanting to sneak into my room and sleep on my floor.

Am I being a terrible mom or is he just a controlling jerk who needs to be slapped!

The List

Last night I started making a list. A list of all of the things that I think may be associated with bi-polar. My goal is to try to be able to recognize the mood shifts, because frankly I never have a clue what state I'm in. I'm realizing after reading actual blogs about this rather than my usual tell-me-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me medical journals, I could assist better in my search for a real medication if I took a more proactive approach in my own illness. What an idea eh?

The problem has always been that I lose interest. Very few things can hold my interest for very long and I either forget what I was doing or I simply lose the desire to do it.

Anyway, I came up with a list of symptoms, not expecting to have some glorious revelation about myself, but today I am finding that I am irritated that I didnt. I am not clear on the associations. Does being irritable mean I am manic? Does being exhausted and pissy with the neighbor kids (which I exhaust myself most of the time in an effort not to do) mean I am depressed? Does the phone ringing and work and my wanting to shred whoever is calling mean I am manic or simply PMS? I dunno, I dont understand the correlation and I guess in this journey the one thing I am going to have to force myself to learn sooner or later is to have patience. I have none. I can tire myself out daily trying to put on the face that I want to be helpful, I want to be kind....because some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs at the next person who calls and wants to ramble to me about things that I feel are wasting my time. Of course I am getting PAID to let these things exhaust me.

My mother came over last night. That is rarely a pleasant occasion. I want to have this mother who comes over for coffee and wants to have a real conversation about anything in life with me. I hang on to some fantasy that this woman is going to morph into this some day and be what I need her to be. Not gonna happen. But I hang on.

Her usual visits last about 5 minutes tops. I live maybe 5 minutes from her unless I extend an engraved invitation for her to come to some function where she doenst have to visit with just me then all is ok and she will stay at least until the dishes are done. I find this behavior totally offensive since she is more than happy to spend an afternoon at my brother or sisters house. She just hops in her car and drives across town for a visit. Those visits normally include some sort of cleaning on her part and some kind of cash flow. She pays their bills (neither one works) and promotes their pot-smoking lifestyles. She will flat out tell everyone that pot is harmless. Interesting perspective from a Christian woman who likes to push around her morals and values on everyone else (mostly me).

I dont want her money. I have told her this on several occasions. If we have to go without a gallon of milk for a day or two between paydays, so be it. Maybe if I spent all of my money on pot I would feel like having her over for a cleaning and cash day. Not my thing.

So last night when she came over (I dog sat for her so she could have a baby shower) she brought us left over cake. Major borwnie points in my book. The first thing out of her mouth I can recite with the closing of her car door "I can only stay a minute." I'm really ok with that in most regards. It's the snide comments she leaves in her passing that annoy me and make me grateful at times that it is only for a minute. I thanked her for the cake......to which she responded "Sorry, theres no alcohol in it" (Insert necessary jab). I said "Well Ill be just fine as long as it's at least laced with pot." "It is" was her reply and out the door she went.

Generally her point of criticism is the cleanliness of my house. Inevitable she comes over when the place is in disarray or I havent done the dishes yet. If it were a siblings house, she would get busy tidying up. Not that I want that......I just dont think its necessary for her to walk in the door and make condescending remarks to me. Neither my sister or brother work, why in the hell are their houses messy???? They each have a spouse, and one has kids. They are home all damn day, what do they do besides smoke pot???

I have a full time job, and I am doing this all week alone. The kids make messes that I am often too tired to scream at them to pick up and sometimes I just dont care. Should I really have to justify that to anyone anyway?

I once remarked to my mother that raising my kids alone was difficult. Her reply was that she knew because she basically raised us alone. Hmmm, not to me recollection. My parents were never divorced, my dad was home every night, brought home a fat paycheck every week. Im not understanding this comparision. Well, it was because he didnt help. Thats not exactly the same as saving your change to buy milk. Just because he didnt hop off the couch and your demand and smack us around does not mean you did everything alone. And if you still think you did it all alone.......dont call me next time you need a dripping faucet fixed, your lawn mowed, your flowers planted, your garage cleaned, a light fixture changed out or your plumbing redone. You should be able to handle that. Right?

I'm off on a bad mom mantra for some reason this week. The more I type the more things I recall that are irritating. Not that I dont love her, I do. She's demanding, pushy and sometimes a bossy pain in the ass. Ive been missing my dad lately and I think that brings out all of the things I miss about him. He was her opposite....compassionate, careful at least to me about his choice of words. He was always kind to me, even when he was angry. I was his favorite and he had no problem telling me that he thought I was the shit. (SMILE) Who wouldnt miss that kind of self esteem builder??????

Meds Or Madness

How do you know when you are on the right medication? Sometimes I think I am imbalanced, how would I know when I was balanced?

Currently I am on Paxil. It has helped wonders for my anxiety and depression. I get the stuff, it works for awhile to correct those things, but over time I seem to become immune to them and request an adjustment. About 6 months ago my dosage was increased. I felt much better. Then it started again. I start to self medicate. Not knowing what is causing this urge, this need to disrupt what isn't balanced anyway, but should be.

I dont see a therapist, a pshyciatrist or any other ist. My doctor is none of those things. I think he's a medical practitioner or family doctor. The second time I went to see him I took my boyfriend. He had his own complaints about the meds that he wanted addressed. Maily the lack of sex drive. I flatly told the doctor that I didnt care if I had a sex drive or not. My mental state was the urgency. I want to feel "normal" as possible. I did ask my bf to let me know if he saw things, personality changes, etc. I need those things brought to my attention because I have been on this medication before and it was disastrous long term....creating a mania that caused me great financial and legal problems. Not to mention some very strange urge to consume large amounts of alcohol. The worst part was that I never suffered a hang over, so there was nothing to keep me from overconsuming regularly.

That urge is back. It baffles me that I have this new desire to drink almost on a daily basis. Obviously a med check is in order, I'm just afraid. Afraid they will put me on a medication that will totally whack me out or numb my brain. Either one would make my job suffer....and well, if i lose that I can't feed my kids!!! Not to mention I seem to work the same hours as all these professional people out there to help me.

Ping-pong.

Sin & Guilt Trips

There is something, likely more than ONE thing, that I have been rolling around in my head for some time now. Sometimes my brain plays pin ball.....bouncing from subject to subject and I attempt to score by stopping the ball long enough to have a thorough thought. I'm never successful unless I write it down, and sometimes even then thats just ranting.

I come from a family of Baptists. Ok, not all of them, just my mother. As a young woman she was heavily influenced by a pastor that insisted on women wearing dresses at all times, no makeup and men having short hair and wearing ties. They encouraged beating your children into submission. She subjected mostly my brothers to this, especially my oldest brother who was very trying.

As a child I was only allowed to go to private schools. These dress codes along with numerous other rules helped to reinforce that very principle.....CONTROL. We were paddled for several different types of infractions. Don't turn in your homework three times in one semester and you stood in front of the class, grabbed your ankles and took three whacks. I once received this punishment for spilling my milk at the lunch table. We received whacks on the hands with a ruler in study hall if we made noise.

Everything was about punishment for SIN.

It was a sin to wear your dress above the knee. We didnt get paddled for that but had to change our clothes. It was a sin to have a hirt that dipped 2 fingers below your collar bone. Again, no spanking but had got to wear a dickie. I was once told by a teacher that the only reason that I dyed my hair was that I was not thankful for the way God made me. Not exactly a sin, but a definate guilt trip.

Every day we learned chapter after chapter of the Bible. Every Friday we heard a sermon by the school principal about the horrors of hell and sins damnation. We were SINNERS, and we must be REALLY REALLY SAVED. (Im still not sure why really, really....I figured saved was likely good enough).

Our teachers were far from loving. They were there to enforce a dress code, a morality code and to inflict guilt trips and beatings upon the guilty sinners. I don't recall many messages about God's love.

My mother sort of fell into this category. To this day she is very judgemental. God will not bless my life because of this sin or that. In no way have I ever claimed any sort of perfection. I know the difference between right and wrong and even when Im not too sure, I err on the side of it must be wrong. That is ingrained into my psyche. God either loves you or you are disappointing Him. You are either in His favor or you are not. You either love Him and follow His commandments or you deny Him. And my favorite......you either go to church on Sunday or you are a heathen. At least that is what she leads me to believe....and sometimes I do. Almost every Sunday I wake up feeling like a crappy person because I didn't get up early enough for church.
I can fill up with self-hate and stay that way for a very long time.

I stuggle with this simply because I do believe in God, I do believe in the voice of the Holy Spirit...I have heard it. I do know however, that never once has THAT voice lead me to feel anything but grace and forgiveness. Of course I have felt some guilt.....but not the kind of guilt that makes me want to run and hide in shame. It's more of a guilt that makes me want to run toward it and be made clean.

I despise other people trying to force their positions on me. I dont know anyone who likes that attribute and I dont care that it's all "in my best interest." Isn't that between me and God? Did God make a perfect person that could point a finger at another and decide for God and for them what is "in their best interest."

I make stupid choices. I am aware of that. I also pay my own consequences. While I can fully understand that as a parent you dont want to see your child hurt, even if it is self inflicted, I do not understand a Christian life without compassion. I mean, what's the point?

In a life influenced mostly by the equivalent of the Pharaisees in Biblical times, I often wonder how people like this find themselves so righteous. What is Christ-like about finger pointing and gossipping? What was Christ if not compassionate?

Today's Reel To Reel

Divorce sucks. Waiting for child support every week makes me crazy. Raising kids by myself is not easy and sometimes a totally unwanted job. I love my kids.....enough to know that this is not what is best for them.

I had a long conversation last night with my ex husband. He's on his third marriage and I just had ot know or had to at least ask...."How do you know that THIS is the one you want to commit to?" The thought of remarrying sends chills through every part of my body. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met "the one" to commit to, or if I will ever be able to commit to anyone either way.

I chose the divorce. I filed, I wanted it in the worst way imaginable. The reason at the time was because I had fallen in love with a sociopath on the internet. Of course I didn't KNOW he was a sociopath....all arrows pointed to this is Mr Perfect. He and I were going to live happily ever after. I gotta say, that kind of notion is what has brought me to the place I am today.....cynical, mistrusting and feeling like the only man who isnt a lying piece of crap is my dad. Since he's gone, there's nobody out there who isnt just into this for themselves.

I gotta say that the ex didnt give me any real insight into anything emotional. His response was simply that she was harassing him to tie the knot and he gave in. I'm not an idiot. I never saw even a snippet of passion from him about any of it. He likes that he now has a maid and a cook......but it wouldn't have mattered if it was her or someone else. It was the same way when I was married to him and he didnt have a problem tellling me that. "If it wasnt you it would just be someone else." No wonder I outgrew that idiot....his statements were so profound.

It bothers me every day that I am not sharing my life .... and likely won't again share my life ..... with someone who has mine and my kids' best interest at heart. Other people can care for them and for me... but it won't ever be a family. It bothers me to no end that I have to account for every little thing I do for my kids. All I really want is someone who loves them like I do. I want someone to share in my excitement in buying them birthday gifts, Christmas gifts..... not someone scowling about it for one reason or another.... whether its the money spent or the competition dealing with your kids/my kids. What now I cant buy something for my kids because it isnt fair to yours? Screw that they have a mom.

I'm hating the mess I call my life today. This is the movie playing in my head. Where is the exit sign?

Feeling a Panic

Ive had a great day but have suddenly been hit with panic mode. My heart is racing, I'm in dire need of a cigarette to calm myself down and step away from what I'm feeling.

A few months ago my boyfriend and I decided that we would "shack up." Being the Christian that I am, I know that it is morally wrong, but being the divorcee I am, I am also a bit of a marriage phobe.

Finances are an issue. (When arent they). This is different than marriage, but I doubt it would be any different if he and I were married. I am irresponsible and I overspend. I would rather go shopping and worry about the bills later (usually in an overwhelmed panic). He's the opposite. Sometimes I feel like he lives to pay bills. He loves them. He looks forward to when he can use his next paycheck to write them out again. (Which co-incidentally and luckily for him is every Friday.) He often tells me over and over in a week just what we can pay next. Should I want a $10 garden toy it's simply out of the question since that money is earmarked for something much more soothing.....central air? I dunno, it frustrates me. I lose interest in things that can't be kept up. I've lost interest in gardening, in shopping, in leaving my house. it's not worth getting excited over something I always have to wait for. The answer is rarely yes. Yes I contribute, I'm just irresponsible and I know it. I let him move in hoping he would take care of that. But for shit's sake, he takes things so damn far. it's only ok if he wants it too.

Anyway, I am pissing and moaning and panicking because while he was out of town I burnt holes in the debit card. I didnt bother to tell him, I didnt want a lecture, I cant stand the sound of his voice when he starts in......my only alternative was to hide it.

Shit, the bank statement came yesterday. I tried to balance the damn thing, but I am so not into rounding numbers as he does, that it was a mess I decided I didnt want to untangle. Today he comes home....when he called to tell me, i jokingly said "First one to the check register wins."

It's gonna be an arguement. I know what my reaction will be. I'm fully aware that my methods of coping recently havent been good. I'm trying different things to change that. But I desperately want a beer. : ) Maybe even 6.

Blog Heaven

I have a blog on msn. I'm terrified to post anything real there....emotions, mood swings, even my daily thoughts. There is a terror that someone I know will read it and think that I am certifiably insane....and I am, but that's supposed to be my secret.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 1996. Recently I found this web site, started reading the thoughts of other people blessed with this struggle and felt such relief that although my thoughts wouldn't generally be classified as anything close to normal (at least in my perception) I did discover that other people struggle with the same demons and there is some small comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

I also recently found moodtracker.com. I am hoping that it will give me some insight into my moods. Although I have known for almost 10 years what my imbalance is, I havent actually ever sat down and looked at it, trying to find out who I am emotionally and what sets me off. (Besides stupid people, that's a given)

My general mode of treatment has been to seek help and anti depressants when I feel like I have about lost the will to live. When the depression kicks in and doesnt seem to subside for months on end, when I feel like I dont ever want to get out of bed again, the house is in total shambles, the kids are eating dry cereal or whatever else they can fix themselves and I'm struggling to eveN care about combing my hair......l a doctor visit is usually in order.

I get the pills, I start to feel better for a few months and then the swings start. I have only had one major manic episode ..... granted it lasted almost a year, but for the most part my mood stays stabilized, even on anti-depressants I'm either baseline or shitty. There isnt a whole lot of in between and rarely am a manic....although I am learning that bitch-mode falls into that classification. I always thought it was that overly cheerful and energetic state. Not so with me, it's just chronic crabbiness and agitation. Damn, I miss the energy of the former. Who doesnt want to be cheerful and energetic all day? Who cares that you cant sit still, you cant concentrate on anything.....it still FEELS good.

After the first few months on meds, I start to feel like crap again. Damn, is there nothing that can lift me? I refuse the traditional treatments of Depakote or any other mood stabilizer. I simply will not take that crap. It makes my toungue swell, it slows my reactions and my brain waves. I can actually feel it, like I am moving in slower motion that during my most depressed phase. Why would I want a downer???? I'm already having trouble in the motivation department, slowing that would kill me. For the most part I dont like feeling like a retard. So those are out.

The worst part of this experience for me has been the awareness. I know when my brain is vegetating and refusing any sort of co-operation with the rest of my senses. I know when I cant remember what happened yesterday or even a few hours ago. I know when I cant form complete sentences that make any sense without stumbling my words. I am too aware of the racing thoughts in my head....much like several reel to reels playing at the same time. I know that my brain is incapable of singling any one of those movies out and figuring out a solution to any of them. I am aware that I can be explosive and pop over something stupid. I am aware that it makes me look like a raging maniac. All of that sucks. I dont want to KNOW that I'm not right, although the alternative would be worse I suppose. I guess I am just bitching that I have it at all because I hate it.

My dad's family tree includes some rather colorful monkeys. Aunts with obvious bi-polar, although back then they were just social rejects. I have a sometimes intense fear that I will somehow slip into the place they were and lose my mind. Maybe it's silly, but knowing their history, the fear is very real for me.