Todays Rag

So yesterday I went shopping and got the necessary things for mom's computer and fixed it. I ranted about it (on my blog only of course), but knew I would end up doing it. I didnt die, I was just slightly irritated. While there I had to get my meds. When I got to the pharmacy I was not a happy camper. My doctor had not approved a refill and it sent me into a panic. I had already gone one day without them and usually on day two I start having nasty withdrawls. They aren't just slightly nasty, I get tingling sensations in my fingers and hands and sweat like a nasty pig. The worst though is moving my head. My vision behaves like a bad film, the camera moving too quickly to focus in on anything and the dizziness that creates is indescribable. I take Benadryl to stop some of the sensations but that makes my hair feel like bugs are crawling in it and I scratch. Ok, enough.....you get the point, it sucks.

So as she tells me this, I demand to know WHO spoke to my doctor. Of course nobody knows and she politely (with a red face) escorts me to the pharmacist. LOOK AT THE LABEL! It says DO NOT STOP TAKING SUDDENLY! Tears well up in my eyes as I tell him I am going to be very sick tomorrow. He offers to help....I can give you ONE to get you by, but not TWELVE! Whatever, just let me get by and I will bitch out the doctor later. I have been on this shit long enough to not need a doctors call every month. For shits sake its not even a controlled substance, its Paxil! My panic attack lasted about 10 minutes. I started to tell my mother about the withdrawl symptoms when she interrupted me and said "Well, lets go look at the computer stuff now." Grrr, small wonder I don't get excited about this kind of stuff. I quietly walked through the store isles with her fighting back tears (the effects of the panic attack on me).

And on other notes:

My daughter is quite proud that hurricane Katrina bears her name. Of course being ten she doesnt realize the effect it is having on others lives and when you see it on the news it still seems far away and there isnt alot of reality to it. It destroyed my cousins home. Katrina informed me that had I told her my cousin lived there she would have spared that town. Being ten must be fun. I play along because I am all for imagination and would like to prolong life's realities for them as long as possible.

My oldest turns 17 today. Happy Birthday!! I love you! Please hurry and move out!! ...just kidding. For her birthday I painted her room and gave it back to her. She had lost it months before being a teenage jerk. She also got concert tickets, makeup accessories, and various other things. Yesterday she wanted to know when her PARTY was. Egads, I am sick of birthday parties, apparently I am now the birthday scrooge. Being 17 and totally self absorbed must suck.

The daycare provider from my earlier blog was found guilty of manslaughter. Fine, convicted by a jury of your peers, great. I don't think it was in any way necessary to blast the verdit and her emotional response moment-by-moment on television. It was a good 15 minutes of this woman learning of her future. Bullshit. I think if you want to see the trial, the verdit, go sit your ass in the courtroom and stop interrupting my programs to watch such horriffic things. This is not Law and Order. I love that show, but its a show. I have no desire to watch someones life being unfolded in front of a camera moment-to-moment. I felt pity for the woman. I think the only thing she was truly guilty of was being stupid.

I love my mother, but damnit she needs a life. I would buy her one, travel a trillion miles to get her one....anyone have any ideas?

My whole life she has been a busy body. A physically busy body. Up at the butt crack of dawn to wash her sheets and hang them on the line, vacuum, mop floors, and do God only knows what else. I have no idea because I was right where everyone should be at that hour IN BED.

She worked while we were growing up, having whatever job required the unwilling human being to be up at 3 am. I remember watchin movies with my dad and suddenly hearing her alarm clock go off and thinking "shit, better get to bed, she's gonna throw a fit." Her wake up time was my bed time.....unless of course I was in school.

A few years ago my dad passed away. She now has this average sized house with over averaged sized lawn and massive garage to maintain.

The thing about her was that she knew how to keep other people busy. Not that she fared well with us kids, we learned how to disappear and play deaf as we got older, so the leftover chores fell on my dad.

My mother had the to-do list from hell. She still does. She always has 14 projects, or ideas of things she would like to start on, but no longer is there anyone to smack upside the head and say "gidder-done baby."

She would have my dad vacuuming, cleaning the cars, the garage, mowing....I now know why he spent so much time outside.

The trouble with it now is that she retired when he died leaving the work to ......US. Not us as in family us, but us meaning myself, Mr Live In and my brother in law. WHY? My brother is sick....yup, drug addict sick. My sister is sick....yup, drug addict and kidney sick.

She watches her grass grow. About every two days the phones starts to ring...."whos gonna mow my grass." In the days between its "Whos gonna fix my well"

I should make her a deal. I will be your little slave girl and I will quit my job and stay home like the rest of you freaks in the family.

Im pissy right now because 1) I do not want to go over and fix her computer today and 2) I need a cigarette.

I dont want to go computer shopping, I dont want to shop for shit that isnt for me! Sorry, but I barely cover my own health and hygine...window shopping aint my bag. I want to go home after a grueling 9 hours of blogging, er, I mean work and just chill. Go call one of those freaks I have to refer to as siblings over. They sleep all day, eat all day, smoke pot all day. I have my own shit to do!

Why is it they are entitled to the same lifestyle I have (provided to them by my mother) but I am the only one who ever has to worry about what time it is or what day it is. Or if taking a sick day will mean Im short for groceries this week whilke the gvernment has one overflown and you stock the other.

Get them off their dead lazy asses and let them earn their right to their lifestyle like I have to. If it aint a real job the least they can do is cut the grass.

When my ex left so did everyone else. Nobody came over to see if we had food, if we needed anything. If my house was trashed in the pits of my depression wehre I couldnt get out of bed for days on end, she would nastily tell me to call her when I got my house cleaned and she would stop by for coffee.

Im angry about this....maybe Ill just shut up as usual and go smoke a cigarette. Its time for me to get off work and haul my ass around for someone else.

The Lords Prayer

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name . .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control,
of everything down here like you have up there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called! ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . . . pause . . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right . . . all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Bi-Polar Post

I try not to focus on this illness, particularly when it doesnt have its nasty grip around my life messing it up.

For the past 6 months or so I have been intensely manic. Not flying off buildings manic, not strip down to nothing in a bar manic, not even rob a bank manic. But irritable, self-medicating the majority of the time with a slight dose of paranoia and homebody-ness. My manic self soon became obvious to family members and I tried desperately to help them understand what is going on with me in an effort to 1) keep them off my back 2) justify my current lack of normalcy.

I have been feeling the mood shift again for about 2 weeks. Gone are the strange and compulsive desires to drink myself to sleep. Gone is the urge to lock myself in my house and not come out until the demons have passed. Gone is my inability to not be fully focused on my family and not this fucking illness.

I have been lying and telling everyone the reason I dont want to see a doctor is because I have been tracking my moods and want something concrete to hand the doctor. The truth is that WAS the truth, it started out that way, but this illness doesnt allow me to faithfully do much of anything at all, much less track moods.

I lied for two reasons. One Paxil keeps me from the depths of hell and depression and alleviates alot of my social anxiety. 2) the doctor may suggest a mood stabilizer at which point I would have to tell him to get bent....thereby giving my family the distinct impression that I am not willing to do drug therapy. Im not all that willing.During church on Sunday my mom asked my sisters psychiatrist about MY medication. At lunch today she informed me that Paxil was not a treatment for bi-polar. No shit, I knew that. But no matter how much she has tried to convince me that I should take another drug, I havent been real open to any suggestions.

Maybe Im wrong, chances are pretty good that i am since i am rather stubborn about what drugs I will and will not take. Im also a total bitch when it comes to using me as a guinea pig for various drugs. I have a life. I miss alot of it at times due to this shit, I will not let you drug me out of the rest of it.

Dumb and Dumber

Most of the friends that my kids have call me mom. They hang out at my house, I cook for them, sometimes even wash their clothes. I've taken them to sporting events, camping, church, you name it. I understand that this term in no way reflects on their own mother. It's just a nice way for them to say thanks for caring about me.

My ex on the other hand isnt real dad like. He takes kids on weekends, but it's not to do anything with them, its more or less to pop their butts in front of a television so he wont be bothered as his sports are on tv.

It wasnt always this way, just after he got married again. Suddenly trips to the park and other niceties were no longer necessary. The old hag he's married likely cant sit outside for long without risk of heart failure or stroke. Either way, very little effort is made to entertain or bond with the kids.

My 17 year old was a little offended this last weekend when her step-mother of one year asked her to start calling her mom.

The conversation started with my ex whining about how all of her friends call me mom, but nobody refers to him as dad. Nevermind that her friends dont really want to be around him much (he HITS on them) and nevermind that his new wife doesnt want her friends around because he pays too much (creepy and awkward) attention to them. I would be a bit creeped out too, but not by the child by him! A 50 some year old woman playing "Im jealous of your friends" with a teenager is just beyond my comprehension.

If you dont make a child feel at home, how can you expect them to refer to you in a loving term? And if the child DID feel that way, why wouldnt they come to the adult and say "Would you mind if I called you mom?"

Never once have I approached a child and said somthing so stupid. Never once would I ask Mr Live In's kids to call me mom, although one refers to me as his second mom.

The ex has a nice way of irritating me. He will do something stupid (like the time he and new wife decided to take my girls and give them hair cuts) that will really send me over the edge. Im learning not to react to it...at least not for now.

I'm sure I will get in a testy mood about something and get an overwhelming urge to ttell him how stupid they both are. He and I have had this discussion several times, so perhaps it is her trying to drive the wedge, I dont know. I know if I call him and inform him that I have decided that Mr Live in will now be referred to as dad he will get the point.

It could simply be her retaliating because my daughter said to her "My grandma says my dad is still in love with my mom." She was really upset with that comment. Of course the ex denied it but when I asked him about the conversation and asked him point blank if it was true he simply said "No comment." I told him he couldnt possibly hurt my feelings and to know that he no longer loved me wouldnt bother me in the least. Again he said "No comment" He refused to say either way. not that I care, it was just an odd statement that left me wondering what the hell could be going on in his head. Any ideas? Oh, he also mentioned he and I going dancing together when his wife wasnt around. Nice guy eh?

Bye-Bye Birdie

I have been having mommy-itis. I love my kids and I have two cuddler\snugglers left. The only thing missing is the smell of a baby. I don't want to keep one, I have just been having the urge to coddle one. ALOT

I have been substituting this urge with other creatures. Last week my youngest daughter brought home an injured wild bird. This is the second one this year. The first time it was after a rainstorm that wiped out the mommies nest and left the babies scattered on the ground left for dead. She found the baby, sogging wet and appearing half dead and brought it home. I didnt think it would survive, but after two days of our loving care it flew violently around the living room, wanting to return to the outdoors. We set it free.

This second bird was different. It would show signs of being able to fly, but mostly just crash into a piece of furniture and stumble off. I was convinced that should we set in free it would end up prey to some other animal. For three days I carried it around, fed it, cupped it in my hands as it slept. I became attached. i was amused that I could reach into its cage and grab it, but if anyone else dared to invade his space he would slap the living crap right out of them. (Ever seen a defensive bird slap? Its quite humorous) When Mr Live In came home he was horrified to discover that I was operating a "wild life refuge" as I had also taken in a new hamster. He was convinced the bird would fly home. Since I had not seen this ability (apparently the bird would only fly when I was not looking) I agreed to take it outside to prove to this idiot that we had bonded, loved each other and were now an inspearable team. As I walked around the yard, talking to my new shoulder mate, Mr Live In was pleading with me to put my new friend in the trees. No way, I didnt want the poor thing to think I would abandon him. About ten minutes later I decided I had proven my point and turned to take my new pet into the house. Suddenly, and without warning, he flew from my shoulder onto the neighbors house. I stood in shock and silence for a few moments and hollered to Mr Live In - "Get the ladder!" I wanted him back!! I called to him and he snubbed me, and flew off to his new life. That's the thanks I get....I hope the neighbor dog has him for lunch. (No, not really...... well maybe)

I sulked as I walked back into the house. Mr L-I was in tow, noticing my heartbreak and agitation at his stupid plan. "I will get you a cockatiel for your birthday, ok?"

There is nothing worse than a birthday pet. As a teenager my mother bought me a pomeranian for my birthday. Some present, the damn dog hated me. Bit me whenever I got close to her, sat protectively on my dad's lap and refused to let me anywhere near him. She would hide behind the couch and wait for me to walk by and jump out barking and nipping at my feet. I figured if she already hated me I may as well tease her. So I would make motions with my hands that drew her nuts and she would dance in circles trying to bite me. I could tell she wanted me dead....and I found some odd sick humor in that. Particularly when she got older. We had her teeth cleaned and they ALL fell out. HAHAHA, biting mutt.....go ahead and gum me bitch!

Anyway, I dont want a birthday pet. Im not going to tell you what I DID want, but lets just say an animal that hates my guts isnt it.

I think it was all part of me feeling mommy for my best friend. Not really, but hey, its awfully coincidental that I get mommy urges and she finds out shes pregnant! Not that I want to trade places with her. I would rather be that birdie being chowed down by the neighbor dog than to go through the horrors we call pregnancy again.

Maybe Mr L-I will buy me a farm for my birthday. He has about two weeks to come up with a plan to make this up to me.

Good News?

And on a much happier note today.....

I was emailing with my best friend yesterday. She was concerned about a late period. Neither of us suspected a thing since she has been known to have odd female problems. I told her jokingly that I would love it if she had a baby. I would love to play with a baby, then send it home. I don't want one for keeps, I'm finished with that phase of my life and happily so.

Our kids have grown up together. They are the best of friends, more like siblings really than friends. Her three boys have fought playground fights for my three girls for years. In turn, my girls have played matchmaker for the boys. It's all very cool. There's not a birthday celebration or holiday that they dont expect to be hanging out together. The youngest of this gang is her ten year old. The oldest is my 17 year old. She commented that more children in her future would be grand children.

So when I got the call at 9:30 last night she was shaken, almost crying, very scared and damn near hyperventilating. After she calmed and stopped repeating "It's pink! It's pink" I screamed with joy....."YOU'RE PREGNANT?" Her next mantra was "What am I going to do?" "Hon, I think that means you are going to have a baby!"

This is a shock. She's 38, a single mom with 4 kids, just moving this week in with her b\f of 5 years. I have to say better her than me. I cannot fathom going back to diapers, formula and daycare. No, no, no. I can't blame her for being scared.

But I have to mark this date on my blog and say Congratualtions to Ronda and Ken!!! And baby will make 8!

Prayer Request

I got this email today and would like to share it so that all can pray...thank you!

Urgent prayer request!!

Please pray for my son John's mother-in-law and their enitre family, my wonderful daughter-in-law, Kristine, her sisters Monica and Shannon and their families.
Kristine's mom, Virginia Phillips, had an MRI yesterday morning and the medical prognosis is only a couple months. She was checked in March! nothing!! Yesterday they diagnosed a brain tumor they say is in-operable.
She was having trouble concentrating because she was so tired.
She does not remember that she should eat; has lost a lot of weight.
Kristine has been spending the night with her. They will need full time care soon.
THE KIDS STARTED SCHOOL YESTERDAY! Kristine will not be able to teach this year.
Much of the responsibility will fall to John & Kristine. She is very close to her mom!
Virginia is very blasé! She is refusing chemo etc. She wants the kids to make all other decisions. She is very tired. She just wants to sleep! Please pray for this precious lady.
How swiftly our lives can change!!
Thanks for your prayers,
Kaye

I've been through this ordeal with my dad. It's painful to see your loved one suffer, please pray.

Brady Bunch We Arent

School has started and I am one happy camper. I love routines, at least in the beginning. No more bored children to try to pacify and no more children wanting to stay up all night and have friends over and drive me crazy because I just want to sleep. Ahh, a peaceful house.

The one ritual I missed for myself during summer break was lunch with my mom. Ya just cant beat a home cooked lunch .... free. Along with this ritual comes the family gossip.

Last Friday I was feeling sociable. This feeling hasnt been around for months, in fact I have almost been paralyzed to my home, refusing any sort of social outing or friends over at all. I was more excited that I wanted to do something than I was at the prospect of actually doing anything. So I started making calls. I thought it would be fun to go karaoke with my brother and sister and their other half's.

I called my sister. She was being vague on the phone, no direct answer and I asked her to just point blank tell me what was going on. They were waiting for "something." Your drug dealer? I asked. Yes, he was supposed to be delivering mushrooms. WTF? She had been wanting to try them for some time and finally was about to get her hands planted on some and wasnt leaving the house until she did. Wow, I was a bit surprised and worried. She has health problems too numerous to mention, but some being dialysis, a weak heart, and taking several anti psychotic drugs. I still cannot imagine what stupidity drew her to think that was a great idea. She's paranoid as it is and apparently wants to add to that.

So I called big brother. He was interested in going and asked if I had talked to my sister (she's the one who sings when we go, the rest of us just drink, dance and yakkk) I told him of her plans, half knowing the info would get back to mom. It was all me though. Silly sister had gone over to big mouth brothers house to try to get them from him. I wonder if she thought he wouldnt tell on her. Sheesh. He revels in someone elses bad behavior.

So today during lunch she told me that she had confronted my sister about her stupidity. Mind you, my mother pays her and her husbands bills while the two of them smoke pounds of pot and now are getting into more things. She has always done the same thing for my brother.

It's ridiculous really when you think about it but thats the way my family operates. Not to mention that one person will immediately get on the horn with mom to share in what another is doing. Itry to stay out of it, or when Im feeling passive aggressive I tell the biggest loud mouth in the family to get the job done. If I really wanted to talk to someone about something it sure as hell wouldnt be any of them.

Sometimes it's nice to have the spotlight off of me. Im not the only one in the family with problems but I often feel singled out because my drug of choice, when I opt to medicate myself, is beer and not pot or hallucinogenics. When things are calm in the family I am the focus because I "live in sin" and should marry. It's always me and what Ive done or havent done. Im the only one with a job, supporting 3 kids, the only one who doesnt require my moms assistant to go to the doctor or take a shit.

I cant say Im not worried about her. She's a 26-year old with the mind of a 15 year old most of the time. Just didnt quite ever mature even after she got married. Which is exactly why I know that telling her drugs are bad for her is futile. I can only pray that nothing bad happens and that she gets her head out of her ass before something terrible happens.

Benadryl Babies

For God's sake...just admit what the forensic evidence screams against you and get it overwith.

One of the beautiful and comforting things about living here is the lack of crime. If you do happen to catch a story about murder or robbery....it is followed through from beginning to end including pre-trial, trial and sentencing.

Recently a daycare provider was charged with murder. Shocking and disturbing to this community would be an understatement. She had the "ingenious" idea to drug all of her children at lunch time to ensure that each and every child was zonked within the hour. Children at the daycare as young as four claimed that it was a lunchtime ritual to have "black liquid" served with their daily meals. This ritual included bottle fed chilren. All of them given a daily lunch time dose of Benadryl.

To think of this woman shopping at Costco, where she admittedly purchased cases of this drug on a monthly basis makes me wonder sooooo many things. First off, what kind of moron would administer anoyone a daily dose of anything that was not doctor prescribed, much less in doses it was not recommended to give, ages it was not recommended to give to and DAILY?

i was a daycare provider for two years. The first year it was completely rewarding. Art projects, rocking babies, reading stories, seeing the light in a child's eyes that had learned something for the very first time.

I had children that came from crappy homes, and the babies in particular robbed my heart. Babies coming with horriffic diaper rashes from mothers that obviously hadnt changed the diapers from the night before, still in their jammies, soaked with urine, formula crusted in their hair from the night before. Upon mom's leaving they would promptly take a warm bath....never once to their dislike. Older children that had to be taught that McDonalds fries were not a basic food group. It was my job to teach them, but most of all to love them, rock them, hold them, play with them.

I knew when I started resenting getting up early, being agitated that parents werent arriving on time that it was time to quit. For a few months I thought it was just a mood thing, I can be a lazy butt, but this was different. It was a home daycare and I started feeling put out that people were arriving at all hours, particularly morning hours and seemingly leaving their kids with me until they were done having a life for the day. I was burnt out.

I quit and went back to the office scene. I sometimes wonder if I have made the right choice. I know being home all day only talking to two year olds was not healthy for my sanity. But when I hear stories of sitters shaking babies, drugging them to sleep and beating on them in general it makes me wish I could have saved them. My heart goes out to the innocents. I love babies. Not that I want one for my own! To me they are like cute puppies. They are a pain at times, but they are so damn adorable you let them get away with it anyway. They dont let you sleep, they tear up the house and generally create chaos. And then they grow up and well....to put it nicely, arent necessarily so cute anymore.

I'm frustrated with the legal system. Ive been seeing people who admit to horriffic crimes of murder and get life in prison. Why the hell should taxpayers have to foot the bill for these sickos. They admit it, evidence proves it.....take em out back and put em out. Don't give them a chance to write a tell all book, get more publicity, revel in their sick fame.

This woman will be convicted. There are diapers from other children that tested positive for the same drug and testimony from a four-year-old that states they were given a black liquid every day at lunch time to help them sleep.

I'm not sure this particular case pleads the death penalty, in fact I would say this was a complete act of ignorance and stupidity. But parents were complaining that their children seemed more drowsy than usual, what the hell did this woman THINK when she was watching zombied, drugged out kids. I just hope there is no lawsuit from this mornon to the drug company for not letting her know as she was purchasing case after case of this stuff that is was lethal. That would be an injustice.

Imbalanced Normal

I recently read a commnet on a blog about how offensive, crass or otherwise ignorant "normals" can sometimes be to those of us who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. I wondered at that time what a "normal" would be. Anyone looking at me would not know what my diagnosis is or that I have even sought mental health. Only those close to me know and my family can attest to the fact that I am more responsible than most "normals," and the parts of my life that seemingly crumble are parts that the public in general would never know about. I successfully hold down a full time job, raise 3 girls by myself, mow my lawn, clean my house.....all the things "normals do." (smile)

Today I ran this article and while it still left me wondering if I know anyone "normal" it was a decent read.

I also ran across an article about depression. Is it a chemical imbalance as we have been told. Or is that simply another way of softening the blow for those of us suffering from disorders.

Mean and Nasty Bloggers

Im tired today. Cranky? Possibly. I would probably feel better if I were hooked up to a IV of espresso, but here I sit in the office trapped without my drugs. Cranky will likely win me over today.

So in my crankiness I'm gonna bitch. If you want to hear it fine, read about it and leave a comment....if not, get off my blog.

Maybe it's just my mood today that brings this issue to my attention, but its there regardless and here you are to hear about it. I love to read blogs, I love to comment on others and I love to have visitors. Recently someone wrote that my blog was something of a "cut-and-paste" nature. Apparently, they havent read much of it, but whatever. So I visit their blog wondering what intelligent being has written such detrimental things and hurt my feelings. (insert whine here)

As I read the blog, which has alot of visitors, fans, whatever.....I wonder. How is making fun of someone, putting personal information on the web about other peoples lives more intelligent than cut and paste? The negativity, the nastiness portrayed by several blogs on a regular basis is the thing that keeps people coming back apparently. I dont get it. Even if it is meant as a joke it makes no sense. And certainly isnt ranking of anything I would consider intelligent.

Adventures in Dodging Bullets

I live in a beautiful place. I didn't always know that. Born and raised in Montana people always told me what a wonderful, beautiful, special place Montana is but I never truly saw it. We camped and fished growing up, never traveling to very many places that didnt look similar.

At a rather idiotic period in my life I moved. Before the move I clearly remember people telling me that I was crazy. Life here is plain and simple.....and boring I thought. What an adventure to move beyond what is simple and care free!

In my genius state I moved to Baltimore. What a drastic lifestyle change. Millions of people crammed onto a little dot on the map. What was I thinking?

It didnt take me long to realize that adventure is none of the following:

Being late every day for work, regardless of when you leave home, because there is some sort of traffic jam or a terrible accident that the locals so lovingly refer to as a "car-b-que".

Walking the beach holding hands with someone you love during a sunset is neither romantic nor adventurous when you have to share the moment with the other half million people that had the same idea on the same day you did.

Adventure is not being warned by your neighbor to go outside in groups to stay safe.

Adventure is not hearing gun-fire in your apartment complex at 3 am and being told by neighbors the next day that it was "just a drive by."

Adventure is not encountering in your stairwell a bug large enough to saddle up and ride to work!

Adventure is not having a flat tire on the interstate and watching cars pass you by for hours without anyone offering assistance.

Adventure is not being educated by your crack addicted neighbor about every item under the sun that she needs to "borrow $10" for.

Adventure is not having to tell your kids to make sure all 6 deadbolts on the door are locked and to stay inside until you get home from work.



Living here is a true adventure. Children are safe to ride their bikes to and from school. They can play safely outside out of your earshot. My neighbors won't come in and steal me blind if I forget to lock my door. Instead, they come lock the door and shut if if we forget to on our way out. The kids are safe to roam the toy isle in the store. They no longer have to be attached to my hip. They are safe to be kids and to live carefree.....and that's an adventure.

Scientific Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:


85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...


The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

When Cloning Goes bad....

Some of these images....
....are very, very disturbing.
So of course,
....I had to share!

Miss Prissy Pants

I didn't earn myself a tough camping name like some others did. They weren't all that great anyway......Charlie Farting Horse being the least charming of them all, I don't feel left out.

It's been a long time since I have been camping in the real sense of the word. I can't say that I miss most of it. The hiking, maybe. Exploring, yea. Using an outhouse....NO. Going days without a shower.....NO. I've been single for five years. Not once has it occured to me in that time to haul my girls into the woods to rough it with them. I have taken them camping at KOA campgrounds. Prissy? Maybe, but I was more concerned with safety (ok, ok....and bathroom facilities, but whatever). I learned to appreciate all the ademnities of camping and swimming and even if it isnt roughing it, it's close enough to real camping for me. I don't have to pack the bear spray or a loaded weapon. And I don't have to shit in the woods, wipe with leaves or pee on my shoes.

I went to my boyfriend's family reunion at a campsite literally in the middle of no man's land. I investigated the abandoned cabins and was more than happy to sit next to a campfire and converse and joke with others. I hated the bugs. I hate anything that buzzes by sounding like a small helicopter, or anything that wants to feed on my blood or crawl across me on it's way to somewhere else. But I dealt with it, without squealing much.

I was admittedly upset at the porta-potty. He and I had discussed on our way there the facilities. He assured me that his family would not spend an entire week without showers or bathrooms. I was comforted by that, but he lied. There were shower facilities, but they must have decided to save money and build outhouses instead of flushing toilets. By the way.... when you purchase a porta-potty......how do you decide WHO is responsible for the maintenance? It would not be me. It would be completely disposable and be left in the woods. Maybe bears could learn to use it. No more raw asses from wiping on trees....I could even leave them some wipe.






The boys were more than happy to warn me about the rats in the outhouses as well as offer me the required gas mask to go in there. I passed and I don't regret it. I could live a long time without sharing bathroom horror stories. Particularly the one running through my mind at the time: Woman frightened to death by rats in outhouse, dies with her pants down.

Everyone thought I was such a weenie. I'm ok with that. Earning myself Miss Prissy Pants is not as bad as Charlie Fartin Horse from the No-Wipe Tribe.

Someday I will show them how to camp. Showers, swimming......roughing it Prissy Pants style.

Freebies

I hate junk mail. Usually I just delete it without reading it and laugh at the $10,000 a month job offers and free this or that. I'm not that gullible, nothing is ever free and you won't get paid that much to stuff envelopes, make toys or earn money while you sleep. (Unless you are Bill Gates or somethin')

Today I saw the FREE SHOE add. Being a shoe collector of sorts I couldnt resist the urge to click on the button. $100 free gift certificate from Payless. Wahooo!! With school starting (IF I decided to share my loot with the children) every little bit counts.

So I click and I click. Click some more. One more click. Fill in personal information. Five more clicks. Fill in more information. Ten more clicks. By this time I am getting slightly agitated that I have gotten suckered into this. These bastards just want me to give up so they don't have to give me my prize. Fuck them. It's now a personal vendetta. I will click all day if I have to to get those shoes. Click, click. Geeze, another survey and 15 minutes more of this shit. Now I'm pissed. I want my shoes!!!! click, click

Ah man, now they want me to fill out credit applications??? If I had alot of money, a decent credit score, would I really be trying so desperately for your stupid $100 promise of free shoes??? So I trick them, I skip over the surveys and continue my clicking. They seem oblivious ......so I keep going.

Several more clicks later I am waiting for a big download. This page is taking AGES to download. This must be it!!! I have won! I made it to the finish line........let's go get some shoes!!!!!!

THE PAGE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED???? WHAT? Of course it can, we just have to click back and try again. NOTHING! I repeat this process several times until I realize I have been tricked by the very asswipes I am always avoiding.

Even though I know that by unsubscribing it will only generate more crap, I HAVE to email these schmucks. They could have gotten me fired for shits sake. 30 minutes out of the work day to fill out a fake survey. Bastards.

They want to know WHY I am unsubscribing......... are you kidding?

TRICKERY..........YOU SUCK.

I had to get it off my chest. I had to tell them. I had to unsubscribe to the shit they send me. I hate them!

Now that I have calmed down from this grave disappointment, I know that I was actually tricked multiple times. I was clicked into clicking on the free shoe sign, clicked into giving my email address, clicked into opting out which means ultimately my email address is now on their "she's a bitch" list and they will give it away to everyone on the planet and I will get more free shoe offers, more work at home and earn a million dollars a day offers, more offers to enlarge my penis (wtf???)........DAMN IT ANYWAY!

Everyone is a sucker at some point. Nobody gets to be mad at me for this stupidity because I only hurt myself.

Unlike this scenario:

Sweetie and I sign up to win a car at the mall. Months passed and we forgot all about it. Finally, we get a phone call! WE HAVE WON A PRIZE! Who doesn't love free stuff!!! Hell yes, schedule an appointment and get over here with my freebies!!!!

As soon as he got out of his car and started up my driveway I knew. I asked him point blank if he sold vacuum cleaners and.... I wasn't all that nice about it. I hate them. I will not give my right arm or firstborn to have a machine that you claim cleans things out of my air that I cant see. How the hell do I know that? I know it hums, I know it requires more than I want to spend for a filter for the damn thing. NO! Get out! Leave my prize and get out!

I glance over to my sweetie and am frozen in utter amazement as he reaches for the paperwork for our new $2,800 VACUUM CLEANER. schmuck.

Ride to Poverty

Last night I dug deep in my pockets and took the kids and their friends to the state fair. This morning I am very tired, broke and left wondering a few things about people.

1)Do fat people need bigger mirrors? Do they have any idea what they have on display? Why would you paint on a pair of jeans, borrow a shirt from someone half your size, add a flashy belt to this ensemble and walk around with the leftovers hanging out? Cover it up! Nobody wants to see the rolls hanging over your jeans, squishing out of your jeans, or peeking out of any other clothing item. What self respecting person can look in the mirror, admire their layers of spare tires and still leave the house to enter public thinking "Damn, I look good." I remember being a teenager and wondering the same thing about the 300 pound women in tube tobs and spandex. We all assumed spandex was all they could squeeze into and we dealt with it. Nothing has changed I guess except the styles.....and the large growing number of growing people. Not to mention the public display of ass cracks, that used to be reserved only for plumbers.

2) Where do they find turkeys with 3 pound legs?? People wander around with gigantic everything on a stick, but I think the most shocking, not to mention nasty looking was the enormous turkey leg on a stick. Save that size of a meal for a holiday and you just might fit into those pants you wedged yourself into. Nobody needs an $8, pound of spun sugar........let's not pretend all the kids are sharing because they are on the rides while your fat ass is standing there with the loot.

3) How do fat women get gorgeous men? What the hell is up with that. Get your skinny geek, you are ruining the stereotype.

4) Where are the parents? Girls who only another female can tell are under 13. .....wash that shit off your face, get some less slutty clothing and look your age. I even saw a boy who was about 10 who had double piercings in his bottom lip. That one really made me want to meet the parents.

5) How can public restrooms be so absoultely disgusting? Women are nasty. Period. I spent an hour seeking out the least putrid restroom to use. You know, the one without mystery liquid on the foor, without wet toilet paper strewn around where it might get stuck to my shoe, without feminine hygiene products lying around the foor or the toilet paper holders, without toilets that werent flushed or the seats peeed all over. I know people dont have restrooms like that at home, wtf? Why would you muddle through the remains of an overflown toilet to wash your hands? Dont touch anything and get the hell outta there is my motto. Dont give me a dirty look for not washing my hands when you are standing in pee.

6) 8 ounces of soda for $4?

7) Can't you at least give me the brief impression that I am getting something for free? $7 gate admission? You can rob me of the rest of my paycheck after I'm in the gate.

I'm sure I could list a dozen more, but I didnt get home until after 1 and the coffee has a lot of catching up to do.




How can you NOT know the goods have fallen out?

Good Me \ Bad Me

Inside me there are two beings. Good Me: who is loveable, funny (I think), sarcastic humor, impulsive, wanting to see the world and all it has to offer, wanting close friendhships, wanting to be kind to others and give them everything I can. There is also Bad Me: negative, rude, condescending, disengaged, self centered, cursing like a sailor....the list goes on.

Ever heard the story about the black dog\white dog? I'm not sure it's totally religion oriented but it goes something like this:

Inside everyone there is a white dog. This dog represents the goodness inside of us. Next to the white dog is the black dog. He's evil. His goal is to eat the white dog and then eat you. He's viscious, biting and drawing blood at every opportunity. Whichever dog you feed the most wins the fight. Feed the white dog, you become a better person. Feed the black dog and evil takes over and destroys you.

You would think that feeding the white dog would be the most obvious choice and it is. Doing good and being kind to others follows the basics of life with or without religion. Feeding the black dog often seems fun but as we all know can be quite self destructive.

We feed ourselves on anger, self pity, resentment, revenge......all the favorite foods of the black dog. It's easier at times to feed him than it is the white dog. Sometimes we just arent in the mood to give anything, or feel we dont have anything to give.

My black dog has been winning. I can look back on my posts and see him rearing his ugliness and hatred for my life. Screw him. He may not realize it, but I have also been feeding the white dog. Morsels, I will admit, but food nonetheless. I am feeling better, perhaps the white dog is gaining enough strength to fight back. I miss him, I should be giving him more meat and less potatoes.

Im not speaking so much of my bi-polar as I am my spirituality. There are times I post things and think "What on earth made me feel so vile!" I don't want my life to be short, sarcastic snippets of self pity, regardless of a humorous spin, a sarcastic tone. There was a time in my life that I didnt use those vices. A time where all was at peace between God and I. I want it back. I have felt it slipping since the time I really felt like I had a grip on it. It's like an escalator. You move so slowly downhill that you dont really realize how many floors you have gone down until you take a glance upward.

I post based on my moods. Moods that I am going to have to change if I want more positive, honest posts. Is there a glass-half-full attitude when you are depressed? Usually not.

A regular diet feeding myself positive things may help. Who knows but it certainly cant hurt.

Humiliation

Last week I mentioned taking a day off work, but honestly there was more to the story than just that. I had to humiliate myself to accomplish this feat.

Monday night I was exhausted, but for weeks had been caught up in the throws of mania. Along with that wonderful imbalance comes frightening insomnia. I age drastically with the lack of sleep. I break out with rashes on my arms, get deep circles under my eyes that closely resemble the moons craters.......basically I resemble the creatures from the thriller video and feel every bit as bad as I look.

In an effort to "reset" my internal sleep monitor I took an Ambien. After about an hour I realized sleepishly that the last time I took this lovely aid, I didnt wake up for about 20 hours. I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW!!! Knowing full well I would be brain dead and unable to hear my alarm in the morning I decided to do the responsible thing and call in sick for the next day.

I called and left a voice mail for my boss. But what if she didnt come in to work? Nobody would know. I decided to leave a message with a co-worker as well. Bases covered, I went to bed.

I slept, as expected, for my 20 hours. Feeling refreshed I made a few calls to the doctor about my nauseating meds. I am accomlishing alot, even sick to my stomach and awaiting death. I did however spend half of the day wondering exactly what I had said to my boss, at times even wondering if I had even called in! Oh sheesh. I was pretty sure I had called, but what did I SAY???

On friday I am having a discussion with my coworker about work-itis. I occasionally suffer from this disorder as well. I can feel fine, go to work, swear on the heavens I am dying from something, but at 5 oclock I am starting to feel amazingly better. Work-itis. "Come over here, i want to show you something," he tells me. I go over to his work area and he hands me the phone. He has saved my message from Monday night.

I listen in horror as I slur my words, pause and sigh, obviously "not all there" and seemingly DRUNK. Anyone listening to my 5 minute display would testify under oath that I was severly intoxicated. I was horrified to say the least. I have left a message on the boss' machine as well!!!! I can only imagine what that one blubbers!!!!!

That week I had a few strange stares, a few odd glances, and a general feeling that something wasn't sitting right! I had a sneaky hunch it was something I had said, but wasnt about to take an office poll. let's just pretend THAT nightmare didn't happen.

My gut tells me to EXPLAIN things to everyone. God knows I dont want people to think I called in sick because I was drowning in an alcholol related frenzy. My instincts tell me to shut up and ride it out, simply because any explaining I might feel compelled to spew would only make me look more guilty!

Ahh, a humiliating catch 22.

I tossed the Ambien. No more sleep aids for me, period.

Dating For Crazies

This morning while reading some very interesting blogs, I can across a singles dating site. Here's the new twist....you have to be mentally ill to be listed. Matchmaking for crazies? Wow, what a concept!

Get a crazy couple together, say a couple of bi-polars, have some kids, fill up the institutions. Sounds magical and something to write childrens books about.

I hooked up with another bi-polar. At least that was his claim. I was really ok with the fact that we would "share" this illness. After all, who could be more understanding of the ups and downs than someone who has it. That's why these blogs are here right? Mutual support. Sounded great.

REWARD FOR LOST VIBRATOR

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to relax. Watching the lights dance off the ceiling and mirrors, breathing deeply, almost a sleep when something caught my eye. The box.

A little over a year ago I went out and got wasted with Mr Live In. We werent living together at the time, and he worked out of town. During our outrageous evening we decided to (at my insistence) stop at a porn shop. Don't ask me why. Sober Ive never been in one. Drunk Ive had sex in the tiny rooms where you put the coins in to continue watching. Anyway, I decided that he should buy me a "toy." Of course he knew that he better comply, because I can be quite belligerent and persistent under the influence. He complied, although I am certain to this day he is jealous of said "toy."

The following morning in our soberness, I started to mind scan possible places in the house to hide this gadget from small, wondering eyes. Thus the box. An old victorian box that I have had for eons, containing basic junk that I dont know where else to put. My toy has rested peacefully in that box (I swear its true!) for months.

When my eyes crossed paths with the box, my curiosity got the best of me. (I swear!) I went to the closet, opened the box and much to my horror discovered that it wasnt there!!!!!

Now this is not the type of thing that you can just start asking family memebers about! "Honey, have you seen mommies vibrator" are not words that will ever cross these lips! I cant ask the kids, and a part of me is terrified that either they know about it, have hidden it from me, or it will be found in the box of toys at our next yard sale.

The only other aternative is Mr Live In. Sure, I could call him and say "Honey have you seen my vibrator?" His jealous response, even if guilty, would be "WHY?"

This isnt something I would call and tell him that I did last night, any more than I would expect a call from him telling me that he pleasured himself in the shower while he was out of town. Just a tad more information than I need to have. Do what you need to do, just leave me out of the equation. Perhaps he wanted to know if having that thing was the reason for my lack of interest lately so he hid it, hoping I would ask. Of the two scenarios, I pray (if you can pray about such things) that this is the one. Afterall, no one else in their right mind would want to touch it. Would they?

Regardless, he is out as well. If I call and ask he will assume that I am horny and all weekend long it will be "Sure, you wanted the vibrator, just not me." I'm just not up for that conversation.

Perhaps I could post this note on the refrigerator:

REWARD: LOST PINK AND PURPLE RUBBER WRITHING TOY...CORD ATTACHED. TWO DOUBLE D BATTERIES INCLUDED. IF FOUND PLEASE GIVE TO YOUR MOM SO SHE CAN RETURN IT TO ME. .................. LOVE, GRANDMA.

Meds + Friends = Nausea

So I take all these meds. Meds for anxiety, meds for anemia, meds for blood pressure, meds for hormone imbalance. You would think that if my body required these things to stay in balance, God would have given me a stomach that would accept them. He didn't. The iron makes me horridly nauseous, the blood pressure meds do too. WTH. Bad enough that my brain is haywired, now my stomach has staged a full revolt against me. I eat anything I can get my hands on to stop the nausea, sometimes it works, sometimes not. This week has been a NOT week. I discovered on my sick day that if I could sleep for 17 hours my body wouldn't be so offended by my insistence on keeping it "balanced" and in proper working order. That only leaves 7 hours for me to shower, work, eat, watch tv, do laundry, blog, talk on the phone. Hmm, not sure that's gonna happen so I'm just stuck with the nasty gag urges, the queasiness and the occasional feeling that my head is floating away from the rest of my body. Fun times.

I dyed my hair last night. Purple-ish red is now an official hair color. The kids thought it was great, but Im not really a gothic kinda mom. It's just hair right? It will eventually fade to either purple or red. Gonna be interesting to see which way that goes because Im not really interested in screwing with it anymore.

My best friend is being a royal pain in my ass. Every day she invites me to have a drink with her after work. We are both single parents with full time jobs. That in itself takes more time away from my kids than I feel is right. But I have to feed them and they understand that. Her kids are apparently raising themselves because at night when I try to call her, her kids tell me that she is still at work. It's almost 8 pm, and I know better. She has plopped her skinny ass in front of a keno machine with the play button in one hand and a Malibu coke in another. There along side her is likely her b\f or a co-worker. She is always claiming we need "girl time." I need to get out and have some adult conversation and interact as an adult. In my opinion I AM acting as an adult by being home after work to make dinner for the kids. Maybe Im wrong, thats just how I see it. I am being an adult by creating an environment where my kids know what to expect, when to expect mom to be home.

I'm not saying she's not a good mom because in most respects I beleive that she is. She takes the kids to all kinds of sporting events during school, it just seems to be the summers she lacks any kind of involvement in their lives. Apparently summers are girl time, adult time, whatever.

It's not very appealing to me to go spend time with someone who just wants to dump on me. The conversations generally revolve around her b\f and what to do with that relationship. If she wasn't delusional, I could offer advice, but that sorta puts a damper on making any realistic progress in that area.

Mr Live in will be home tomorrow. This week has been shorter than most without him. I havent done anything stupid, went on any manic spending sprees or taken cash out of the ATM 12 times. Hopefully he'll be happy about that. I look forward to spending a weekend with him without the tribe of children that generally entails. At least for the moment I think I do. I have been dying to see "Monster In Law", they are so slow about getting the good shit as rentals. I'd go public, but even the wonderful nachos havent been enough to enspire me to go hang in public for that long. I just wanna be home, curled up with a good video or ten drifting in and out of the movie and my dreams. Ahhh, the weekend. I can't wait.

Idiots Annoy Me

I gotta wonder why they pay the bookkeeper at my ex's job. She's stupid, continuously has to me reminded to take child support form his checks. I would like to shoot her. Better yet take her job.

I did payroll for over ten years.....and long before computers made it so simple a monkey could do it. It's just not the imposition she likes to pretend that it is. I've come to the conclusion that she's a fuck-tard. You take it out, you send it in. Process accomplished. Not her. She's too stupid. For two months I heard about their new payroll system, and Mr. Ex, after repeated bitching from me, finally took out a $1,400 loan from his employer to make up for her "forgetfulness." That was last month....for over two months of child support. New month!! I was hoping for at least some memory of hers to kick in and since she has to deduct for the loan wouldn't that be some kind of reminder that the current month needs to be taken out as well???? No, not her. I hope that some day she is in my position, and can comprehend the importance of timely payments.

All this hassle generally requires a call to Mr. Ex. I can't say that I'm fond of calling him, that would be why I filed for divorce. He's remarried, and to a total wench I might add.

I encourage this union, all but insisted on it. It keeps him from his whoring ways, at least in front of my children. Plus, he no longer parks his ass on my couch while moving from motel to motel being a dink. So I tolerate her.

Except the one time that I was so pissed I called her and told her she was married to Chester the Child Molester. Not that she believed me, but it's true.

All the more reason that prick should make sure the bookkeeper keeps her head from being stuck up her ass. I get mad, I blab.....he would know that if he ever knew me.

Sick Day

I called in sick from work today. I've been feeling kind of crappy, tired, exhausted, and strange in my head. I shouldn't say strange because memory loss and frustration are not strange feelings for me, but when they reach an unbearable level, I have to back off for a bit and just rest. It's really crazy how your brain can wear you out. Like running a marathon without leaving the couch. Same thirst, same exhaustion and lately even the body aches and muscle tiredness that would make me think I had actually ran one. Yesterday I even had a healthy does of nausea to round things out. Felt like food poisoning.

Anyway I called my boss after a good dose of a sleep aid, knowing full well that I wouldnt be functional and likely being a complete dork during the call. I dont know really, I was headed for bed and not all there after a fully exhausting day.

Ive been taking a hormone to counteract some gland in my brain that is overproducing some hormone in my body. They call it a tumor, nothing deadly, but to mess with this brain is simply not a good plan. So I have a chemical brain imbalance along with some charming hormone imbalance. My ass is bigger than my waist, another imbalance......sheesh, I think I was jipped.

I talked to my mother about my feelings of being left out. All of this is new to me. Im not accustomed to just yakking about how I feel when I feel it. No, no. I am more of a saver. I save hurts and frustrations, anger and resentment so that it can built itself a nice bonfire inside me. Sooner or later that bonfire becomes a volcanic eruption that surprises everyone and catches them off guard. Yea, thats the proper way to handle emotions. Its not really, it just has always been me. Mr Live in has been regularly showing me how irregular that pattern of behavior is and how much damage the bonfire can do to me before it turns volcanic. And hes right. During the bonfire stage I dont feel my feelings. That is usually a good thing. Im not into crying, sharing feelings, I prefer to feel nothing, or to at least block my worries and pain. So now Im learning to just be out with what I think and feel. Im not sure I like it much, and I know I still suck at it. Mr Live in continuously reminds me that I need to vent to the person who made me upset. I suppose it will work better than expecting people to read my mind, we will see.

Black Sheep?

This last week I called my entire family for a weekend of fun at a waterpark. Camping, swimming, it's an annual tradition.

Everyone was broke. (They are always broke, none of them work, but usually my mother springs for their accommodations and fun.) So Mr Live in and I took all of our kids, and we had a great time.

Sunday when we came back, my family was having a get together\barb-q at my mothers house. We weren't invited.

Question: I know I can be sensitive to things like this, but wouldn't that bother ANYONE?

It bothered me enough to send this email:

Just wanted to thank you for watching my dog. : )
And ask you why I wasn't invited to the family barbque.

This was her response:

It was not a barbeque. It was an after church dinner and I didn't know you were home. I thought you would be gone until later in the day. I'm sorry. By the time I knew you were home, I would have asked you but I hadn't fixed enough for everybody. I really didn't mean to leave you out. I will make up for it and have your family over this Friday night if you would like to come o.k. Your dog is a funny dog, she followed me everyplace I went. She even tried sleeping on my bed. She wouldn't eat my dog food though.


So they intentionally had it knowing we were gone. Still how nice. We dont have many get togethers like this, church or no church. It couldnt have been spontaneous for her to have enough for them, yet my coming home was too spontaneous to have enough. Go figure. I'm just insulted I guess. (Whine, bitch, moan)

Rage

Apparently I am full of it. I got an email the other day with this cartoon guy banging his head on his computer until blood spurted all over, his eyeballs fell out and eventually exploded. I laughed.....hysterically. Until tears ran down my face. I snorted. Laughed some more. Got a tissue. I could not stop the tears and the belly laughs. It started to imbarass me so I went outside. Yup, all this at work. Lovely.

So when my spasms finally calmed I emailed it to a co-worker who witnessed my insane display. He gave it a small chuckle, look at me and said "Apparently you have some rage issues." OMG! The laughter came back with a few small snorts.

I have rage. I dont know why. I think its probably rage that I have this fucking shit, its screwing up my world right now and yes it pisses me off to be only half functional. Im angry about my world shrinking, my memory fading and scared shitless that at some point I am going to snap and get hospitalized. Im angry that my behavior is child like and irresponsible. Im angry that Im angry!

Dont ask me when I THINK i will feel better.....If I knew that I would hole up in my house until it went away.

Best Laid Plans

I'm a jerk. This past week was full of more mania....more spending money and not knowing where or when, planning unrealistic things and in general doing stupid shit and pissing people off. Lovely.

Several times last night I started phone conversations, got interrupted, promised to call back and forgot. I hope they weren't too important because I sure as hell don't remember the majority of them. I hate that. Hate that I can piece together parts of a conversation, but usually the important thing in it is missing....and it drives me nuts trying to recall it. My minds plays back pieces parts and since the memory is so incomplete it plays it over and over trying to figure out the ending.

Anyway, I pissed off my kids and the children of my best friend. Great.

Every year the middle child wants to take a camping trip and waterslide trip for her birthday. For the past 6 years or so that's just what we do. Everyone looks forward to it, it's the only time we travel 70 miles just to play in the water. But it's a tradition. She gets to invite one friend but usually there is a large group of us there. So this year she wanted to invite my best friend and her kids. They have grown up together and behave like siblings, minus the hair pulling and name calling. I invited everyone. The original plan was that the friend would come too, but she bowed out on Monday. Not a problem I explained in my mania. Mr Live In and I will take all the kids and have a blast!

So we are discussing this a few nights ago. He didnt argue over my gracious invitation, I would have likely thrown a big ol shit fit if he had. Instead as I started planning the little details.......like say, the ride there I started to realize that I'm a stupid jerk. There is no way that he and I can get 15 people into our vehicles, Not to mention I have no desire whatsoever to try to contain 15 kids all day long, feed 15 kids, try to get 15 kids to bed in tents and expect them to stay there. NO, NO, NO!!!!! Not to mention the planned sleepover tonight so that we could all be up and at em at 7 am. 15 kids in my house for a sleepover. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

So I called best friend and told her Im a jerk. She said she kinda wondered how I planned on pulling it off but didnt question it. Why the fuck not???? Was she so anxious to pawn her spawn on me for the weekend that she didn't care if I shoved them all in the back of the pickup and drove them 70 miles out of town? I was annoyed with her for the pawn thing anyway. No thanks, I cant come.....but you surely can take all of my children. Fuck you.

Anyway, I feel bad for being such a jerk to the kids. I feel bad for setting their hopes up and then telling them my fantasies can't work themselves out in reality. They understood sort of. But when I suggested that we all meet out at the lake for a get together to make up for my idiocy, I was told that was gay. Sheesh, I guess Im still a dink.

Side note: I might be a jerk and a dink but so is my best friend. She has something urgent to talk to me about. Likely some stupid shit about her b\f that does not require my approval anyway. So I get an email from her today. She wants me to meet her for drinks (all the time). I said no thanks, not interested in being in public at the moment. Well fuck me for putting her off!!! I get another mail......well how long do you think it will be before you are fully operational? In other words, hurry your ass up with your mental problems bitch so I can unload my shit on to you. Even more frightening is that she has a degree in social work. Hopefully she only asks stupid shit like that to her friends.

Paranoia

Closed door meetings in our office often create a huge paranoia issue for me. It's a family run business so I understand part of it...it could be family issues, business issues anything but for some reason my brain keeps telling me I'm going to get fired. Stupid, irrational.

I called Mr Live In a few days ago. He works out of town all week and I used to enjoy his being gone. It felt great that I could still spend time with my kids and not feel the need to entertain him or feel guilty because I wanted to. Not anymore. Everything I touch seems to be turning to shit and my memory is so terrible that I'm even paranoid about that and with good reason.

I use the bank card every few days. Don't ask me what for because I have no idea. I stop at gas stations, but rarely go anywhere else because I'm ...paranoid. I dont want to be in pulic places right now. Not that a big boogey man will be there and have me for dinner or anything, so I know the fear is completely irrational. There is nothing to be afraid of and my mind is completely aware that it's totally ridiculous. Yet I manage to spend money from the bank and can't tell you where or what on. Half the time I can't remember what bank I got the money from.

I've been sending my daughters boyfriend to the store some nights for things we need for dinner. What kind of freak is too afraid to stop at the store on the way home and grab a gallon of milk? What the hell is wrong with me? I havent been this crippled by this illness since I cant remember......at least this has never been one of the symptoms. Does this mean I'm sliiping yet another gear or is that part of the paranoia as well?

Aarrrghhhh!

Precious Doe

I stole this from a website I frequent. I've never seen anything quite as appauling:

Harrell Johnson, the stepfather of a girl whose decapitated body was know only as "Precious Doe" for more than four years, has been indicted by a grand jury for first-degree murder.

The charge was upgraded from a second-degree murder count originally filed against Johnson, 25, and his wife Michelle M. Johnson, 30, both of Muskogee, Okla. They were arrested on May 5 after Kansas City police followed up on a tip from a family member linking them to the death of their daughter, Erica Michelle Green.
Erica was almost 4 when her body was found in a park in Kansas City in 2001. Her head was discovered in a trash bag nearby. The community called her "Precious Doe" and rallied to identify the girl and her killer.
Jackson County prosecutor Mike Sanders said his office will decide soon whether to seek the death penalty against Harrell Johnson.

Hmm, I wonder what they could possibly be debating this issue about. There's no question, DEATH PENALTY.


The indictment also includes felony counts against Harrell Johnson for endangering the welfare of a child, abuse of a child resulting in death and child abuse.

Last month, Michelle M. Johnson, Erica's mother, was charged in Oklahoma with obtaining food stamps and welfare assistance for the girl years after the child was killed. Records show she received more than $2,000 in state aid on behalf of her daughter on several occasions between September 2001 and her arrest in May.

Wow, is this woman up for mother of the year or what??? Greedy, sick, bitch.

A probable cause statement said Harrell Johnson admitted that he was under the influence of alcohol and the hallucinogenic drug PCP, when he became angry with Erica after she refused to go to bed!! He admitting grabbing her, kicking her and throwing her to the ground, leaving her unconscious. After she died, with the help of his wife, he said he used hedge clippers to sever her head and dispose of her body.

Ok, I can understand doing stupid shit while under the influence, I mean who hasn't??? But hacking off your own child's head. C'mon...... These two ass wipes need to just be tortured and hung. No more questions, no more decision making. So were they under the influence 24 hours a day, seven days a week for FOUR YEARS? There was not a moment during that time, like say, while mom was coherent enough to include her child's name on her fucking welfare benefits that she didn't have a clear moment to think about what had happened???? These people are plain and simple a complete waste of oxygen.

I'm mentally unstable. Not a big secret in these parts. Hang around me at home a few days and you will understand exactly what I mean. My kids bickering is often one of my triggers off the deep end, but no matter how far off I have gone (suicide attempts, drug use) have I EVER even entertained the thought of hurting one of them. At my worst stage it never occured to me to smack around anyone in my life but the people who mistreated them. My attitude when you unjustly mess with my kids makes that clip out of the Exorcist (the one where her head spins and she pukes green bile) look like a clip out of a Disney movie. Don't mess with my babies. Much less for something stupid and then hack off their head. I know it happens, sick folks left untreated do strange and vulgar things like murdering their own flesh and blood. We see it in the news all the time. But these people arent in a state of psychosis and hearing voices....that is quite apparent in their ability to rip off the government after committing such a heinous act. I hope for this poor child's sake justice is served and they BOTH get death.

And on a lighter note, I've meet a real loon on here that I have to say has one of the greatest blogs I read everyday. She's comical, undertstanding and full of information on helping the rest of us sickos out there suffering from bi-polar. She doesn't need a plug from me...but here it is anyway, so go visit her site :

http://bipolarprincess.blogspot.com/

You'll be happy that you did.

August Sucks

Oh lovely, it's August. I hate August, its the worst month of the year. It signals that summer is ending, and this year I havent HAD a summer. Just last night I was discussing my lack of interest in summer this year with Mr Live In.

Summers for us generally include a lot of running around. Each night after work I grab a carload of kids and we head to the lake for several hours or to one of the local pools. Waterslides several times a summer. Planting flowers, water fights, nursing sunburns. The usual summer stuff.

Not this summer. My kids have had to drag me from the house, kicking and screaming to get me to do anything at all. I just have no interest in anything. Not the flowers that I love, and certainly nothing that includes leaving the borders of my home. Sometimes not even to step outside on to the porch. Mr. Live In had to drag me to the store over the weekend and I even fought that one. If it hadnt been for what an interesting week it would have been in a house full of women without toilet paper, I wouldnt have gone.

I want to want to! I want to do what everyone says and just go for a walk, stroll through the mall. What is hard for people to understand is that when I force myself to do the things my mind is fighting, I often end up having a panic attack of some sort.

I love to shop and have girls that appreciate that about me....when Im capable. Most of the time I just tell them that I am broke. How do you tell your child that mom might have a freakish spazz attack in public and humiliate herself? As long as they are filling the cart with goodies, the don't give a shit about public demeanor.

So it's August and I am in trouble. There is school shopping to do, supplies, clothing, and I dont know how I am going to manage that in my current state. There is the state fair, ooddles and ooddles of people waiting hours in line after line, trying to keep track of excited children running in all directions. Ugh. And school starting. A new schedule. A child in each school. Birthday parties and gifts.

And lets not forget the guilt. The guilt that another summer is over and it went by too quickly. The guilt that Im a retard of a mother for being unable to venture out of the house much this year. I make it to work every day because we have to eat. Other than that I feel like I'm worthlessly taking up oxygen. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, Im not even sad about it. I'm annoyed deeply and frustrated greatly by this new summer paralysis and numbness. I fucking hate it and want it to stop. I want my life back. It's never been exactly normal, but this is about as far off the deep end as I have been in years.

I feel like a runaway train....continuing to accelerate.....faster, faster....while the acceleration isnt what I fear, it's what awaits me when the train finally loses control, loses its grip on the track and crashes. It's wondering how, which corner will be the last, when will it stop and what will happen then.

Perverts Be Damned

Nobody other than a pedophile could possibly understand being sexually attracted to a child. Yet almost daily there are stories of pedophiles kidnapping their girlfriends children, kidnapping strangers, stalking little girls who are apparently provocative in their bathing suits. I don't get it and personally think that if someone gets caught doing lewd things to children they should just be slowly tortured, mutilated and left to die and rot in a public place.

But since our country believes in justice and all that happy horse shit, I'm still stucku wondering why a law hasn't been past that these bastards wear electronic monitoring devices? Back in the day (ok, centuries but whatever), all it took was for a woman to let her hormones get the better of her and she got to wear a scarlet letter! Remember the movie???? Ok, so why can't we have a more current version of say a giant tatoo on the foreheads of these pervs so that single moms and children have some sort of warning? I'd even settle for an electronic device!

How do we keep them from removing it? Easy, the fucker blows up if its cut. Then we will recognize and avoid the guy with no left foot. Get the picture?

We have to do something to protect the children. If it's at the cost of some perv wearing a little bracelet so be it. They already have to register for the rest of their lives, what's the difference.

Being a single mom I check the registry all the time. I wanna know who in my neighborhood is a dangerous freak. I then inform my kids of just who's house they better steer clear of. But I dont think it's enough. I would rather that they had a blinking collar around their neck. Who would vote against that anyway?? Who doesnt want to be forewarned that they guy from work you invited over for bar-b-q might think your 4 year old is sexy in her swimming suit and kidnap her?

I dont understand how a perverts right to privacy can be more important than a child's right to be safe.

Having divorced someone that I had no clue had pedophilic tendencies, I know full well the danger of not knowing what another person is thinking. I didn't know until after I had filed for divorce that my ex had a fancy for young girls. We were married for 13 years and I was utterly clueless that this prick was hitting on our babysitters, and eventually the friends my daughter brought home. He admitted to me that he had an illness and actually had the audacity to be pissed at me for not "sticking by him" like he had done with my illness. Hmm, bi-polar and pedophilia? Stark difference there buddy. I get depressed and you are a pervert. Not gonna happen.

He doesnt wear a monitor, he was never officially charged with anything. Fear struck every bone in my being when he would date a woman with children. He eventually settled for an older woman whose children were grown. That was a relief.

I often wonder about his past. There were accusations in the family that were taboo to tell to anyone, even me, so I never did know anything. I wonder how much different things would have turned out for me and the girls had I known ahead of time this man was a freak. How much of my self estemm could have been salvaged all of those years wondering why he never wanted to be intimate with me.

Fuck him. I'm with a man now who goes out of his way to make me feel wanted and loved....

The question still remains....who would vote AGAINST monitoring devices?